Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Crow: [we see a wrecked army base] Oh no! They let Stan Laurel watch the hut!
Tom Servo: Here we see the wreckage of the great snowball wars of ninteen fifty five.
Mike Nelson: Snowballs are still outlawed by the Geneva convention
Crow: You know, maybe the army shouldn't have recruited Keith Moon.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: [while badly wounded] No... wait... I'm alive... No, I'm dead. No... Yes... No, now I'm dead... Wait... I'm still alive... No... I'm dead... Wait, I can't die. I've got too much to live for! I've got my good friend Frank! I've got things, things that I've gotta do! I gotta live and laugh and love and live and embrace the world... I wanna live!... Oh, Joe! Hi! Wooh-ooh-oooh-ow! Ah, hurt! Aah! Oh, oooh...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Afternoon, Joel. Hello, robot super-pals. If you have a moment, and I assume you do, Frank and I would like to demonstrate an amazing new fitness product. It's called the Square Master. You see, the Square Master allows you to maximize your human potential because Square Master uses one of nature's most perfect shapes for your perfect shape. How does it work? Frank? Square Master allows you to utilize complicated principles of inertia and mass. Simply, efficiently, naturally. How? By using nature's perfectly-balanced muscle-resistant: gravity. That's right, for a beginning anaerobic workout, start with hands on the outside of the square. Then, when you're ready, go inside the square. Put your feet on the square. Sit on the square and simulate rowing. As your workout improves, you can link two squares together to form a rectangle. Now you're really working out. And for full aerobic conditioning, work on your Shemp area.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Ah, it does my heart good to see Cro burnt beyond all recognition! Oh, Frank, it's time for this week's invention exchange. [Frank enters crying, wearing two boards with an odd assortment of pills glued on]
Dr. Forrester: Oh, accept the pain, Frank! [to Joel]
Dr. Forrester: You've heard the expression, "That's a hard pill to swallow"? Well, our invention exchange this week is just that - some hard pills to swallow. Uh, turn Frank. And cough. [Frank does so]
Dr. Forrester: [points to pill] See this pill right here? It shold be easy to swallow, shouldn't it Frank? Yes, it should be except for the three-pronged fish hook attached to it. [points to another one]
Dr. Forrester: This one - I'm not going to kid you - this is *very* difficult to swallow. It's a Not-So-Tiny Time pill, complete with a living gerbil.
TV's Frank: [shouts] Terry, no!
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Terry, yes! If you can keep this one down, you'll have a pet that knows you inside and out. If you have trouble keeping one pill down, try our pill necklace of piptric acid - one-hundred and five capsules on a string. Keep that gag reflex active 'til the cows come home - the longer it takes to swallow, the harder it gets. [with evil glee]
Dr. Forrester: Yes, and the children?
TV's Frank: [shouts] Not the children! Aw-haw-haw!
Dr. Forrester: The children love vitamin shapes, like, shaped like cartoons. Whimsical shapes! Whimsical shapes, and wouldn't it be hard for all those Flintstone kids if their favorite vitamin came... turn, Frank... [Frank turns, revealing a life-size Fred Flintsone vitamin]
Dr. Forrester: ... life-size, hmm, hmm? Ball's in your court, Joel!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Ah, Mikey! 'Botsie-poos! Say, you know what TV's Frank and I have been getting into lately? Voodoo! Yes, it's the safe, economical way to inflict evil on the world!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Alright, we've all just seen the film "Earth Vs. Soup". How many people didn't like the film? Didn't like the film, or just didn't care for it? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so all! All didn't like the film. Okay. How many people did like the film? They liked the film? Cindy, you didn't like the film, and now you have your hand about half-way up, so maybe you liked the film a little bit? Would that be correct? Okay, we'll get back to that. Okay, what about the film didn't you like? The film we just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup". What was it about you didn't like, or didn't care for? Say, the plot? Or... yes, Gary.
Gary: Uh, the plot?
Dr. Forrester: The plot, Gary didn't like the plot. How many other people didn't like the plot? By show of hands, one-two-three-four-five-six-seven, so, we all didn't like the plot. Why? Why didn't we like the plot? What was it about that we didn't like? Doug, why didn't you like the plot?
Doug: I liked the plot, it was just too short.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, you thought it was too short! Okay. What were your favorite characters from the film? If you had one favorite character, who would that character be? The film you just saw, "Earth Vs. Soup", a favorite character such as Mike? Uh... Cindy, yes.
Cindy: Mike.
Dr. Forrester: Cindy liked Mike. How many other people liked Mike? By show of hands, one-two-three, okay, three people liked Mike, alright. How many people have an allergic reaction to shellfish? Allergic reaction or...
Tony: A mild reaction.
Dr. Forrester: A mild reaction to shellfish. So, Tony, would this keep you from recommending this film to a friend?
Tony: Yes.
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it would, yes it would. Because you don't like shellfish. You wouldn't wanna see shellfish in a movie. Okay. What if the soup were a different kind
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: As a scientist, I'm constantly working with materials that threaten life on a global scale, and, sometimes, they spill.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Could we have sent a stranger person into space? What in the name of Jules Bergman was that?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You think maybe he's had enough up there? I think he's snapped!
Dr. Forrester: By no means. Here, file this. Well, until next week, Jumpsuit Joelie!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Eat hot salty loads of lead death, you pasty faced morons!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Frank! Would you stop clogging your colon with food and go and get today's invention?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I... I can't wait. I want you to open your gift now.
TV's Frank: Great idea, Pete! As a matter of fact uh, I picked you up a little something myself.
Dr. Forrester: Uh... For me? You shouldn't have.
TV's Frank: It was nothing, really.
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank. No, it's the thought that counts. I, I know that you think that I'm probably just a cold-hearted jerk without an ounce of self-respect for myself or anyone else, but on the other hand...
TV's Frank: Merry Christmas, Dr. Forrester.
Dr. Forrester: Merry Christmas, Frank... Oh, Frank! What a lovely watch-band! This must have set you back a pretty penny.
TV's Frank: Well actually I uh, didn't have any money, so I took the liberty of hawking your Rolex and... to pay for that...
Dr. Forrester: You... hawked my Rolex.
TV's Frank: Yeah.
Dr. Forrester: Well, it's the thought that counts. Open your gift.
TV's Frank: Oh, boy! I bet it's a book! I bet it's a book!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, it is a book, Frank. It's... It's called "Final Exit". I've been stealing your plasma at night so I didn't have to spend any of my own money.
TV's Frank: Oh Henry.
Dr. Forrester: Well, until next time, bumpus.
TV's Frank: God bless us, everyone.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'll give you 3 seconds to stop licking my face.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Frank, I'm going to start slapping you now and I may never stop.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Goodbye Frank. And remember, wherever you are, I WILL KILL YOU!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Hello Murray, automata. Say, what's the most popular form of exercise this month, hm? HMM? Well, that's right - the recumbent bike! As I see it, recumbent creators were afraid to make it *too* comfortable. Well, I'M not afraid! TADAH! [He reveals a bicycle basically equipped with a bed]
Dr. Forrester: The ReComfy Bike! [Frank enters wearing pyjamas and a bike helmet]
TV's Frank: Dr. F, could you tuck me in before my ride?
Dr. Forrester: Of course, Franklin, there you go. Check out the reading lamp, nightstand and goose-down comforter. Of course, we might have to ditch the wheels and the pedals to make room for the ice machine and expresso bar, but...
TV's Frank: Uh, Dr. F, I can't get it to go.
Dr. Forrester: Well, try harder you LOAD!
TV's Frank: Well, there's kind of a lot of stuff here.
Dr. Forrester: [in whiny voice] Oh, there's kind of a lot of stuff here. Nappy time, don't you think, Frank? [forcefully tucks Frank in]
Dr. Forrester: Back up to you, Margot.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Hello, Joely-boy-toy! Is it true what they say about space?
Joel: Uh, What's that, sir?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: That no one can hear you laugh! [manically laughs]
Joel: Uh, Happy New Year, doctors?
Dr. Forrester: Don't "Happy New Year" me, you white-piece-of-trash-floating-in-the-vaccum-of-space. We just heard that the Russians have launched their own comedian into space and he is already pulling a four rating. [cut to video footage]
Russian Comedian: [holds up hand] This is my friend, Bishi. Bishi, how are you? I am fine [Chuckle]
Russian Comedian: How is your wife, Bishi? She is fine but her neck hurts [Puts down hand, chuckles some more]
Russian Comedian: thank you so much...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...and he's a regular Gallager too! It's called "Very Incredible Movie Theater 4"!
Joel: Dr. Erhardt and Dr. Forrester, would it be too much to ask if you could let me and my friends know when we'll be getting out of space?
Dr. Forrester: Sure, Joely-Poley. Were planning a show for you right now here on Earth !
Joel: Really?
Dr. Forrester: Yeah, booby. It's about... a guy and three robots and they're submerged deep in the Trans-Alantic trench, three miles under the ocean surface and we send him transmission after transmission of Jacques Custeau movies. [evil laugh]
Crow T. Robot: What a couple of dick weeds!
Joel: Hey Crow, hush up! Listen... thanks but no thanks doc, we'll get used being out here in space for a little more time.
Tom Servo: Um, excuse me, uh, how long are you gonna keep going to send us those gosh darn Turtle movies?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Don't "Gosh darn" me, you little snack headed piece of tin foil!You'll keep watching Gamer
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Here's our invention this week, Joelette. As you know, the old squirting joke flower has lost the ability to shock or surprise.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, we souped it up, though. We came up with a burning boutenire featuring the flame-flower Hahaha-hoo-hoo!
Dr. Forrester: I'd like to see anyone who isn't surprised by that, Joeline! Hahaha!
Joel: That is so hateful.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thanks
Dr. Forrester: Thaaaaaannnnnk you.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: I don't want to talk about it
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: C'mon, Clay! You've been brooding ever since you got back from Vegas. You gotta tell me what happened! Listen Clay, I'm your friend. More than that, I'm your partner. And more than that, I'm your doctor. And if you don't tell me... Time for the physical!
Dr. Forrester: You're right, Larry. I don't know how I can keep this from you. Look in the briefcase.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, my God!
Dr. Forrester: Sacks and sacks of money. I won it playing Keno. Keno's my game! What can I tell you? I don't know. I tried everything to lose... I, I tried closing my eyes and making little X's on the paper. And everything I did worked. I'm charmed! What can I tell you?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: There are hundreds!
Dr. Forrester: I know. It's like that episode of Andy Griffith when Aunt Bea went to Las Vegas and put the chip down on the roulette wheel and kept on winning. And Larry, it gets worse... There's more in the car.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: In the Mad Scientist Mobile?
Dr. Forrester: No, the... the Austin.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: I really think this is going to be it. This is my year!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You say that every year we go to the Mad Scientist Convention.
Dr. Forrester: Ah, but this year is different. They laughed when I made the more painful mouse-trap, but my entrance in the Mad Scientist competition is going to make me famous.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Infamous!
Dr. Forrester: Ah, that too! That too!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Okay, but promise me that if you lose this year your not going to blow up the whole convention center again!
Dr. Forrester: I only did that once!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh- humph!
Dr. Forrester: Ok, twice! Twice! It was twice!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It was three times!
Dr. Forrester: The third time I used the incendiaries and it didn't actually make the building blow up, it just made it burn... really quickly. God, that was beautiful, wasn't it?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: I was alone with the world to tame, I was evil but feelin' blue Lookin' around, talkin' to clowns, Never guessin' that I'd find you
TV's Frank: Workin' the fryer I was never a cryer, I had a void in the shape of you
Dr. Forrester: Oh, Frank.
TV's Frank: Lookin' for love, hopin' for evil, Alls I got was chicken cordon bleu
Dr. Forrester, TV's Frank: Ba-da-been, were livin' in Deep 13 Nobody knows what we mean Rulin' the world with our heads in a swirl and its keen Livin' in Deep 13.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: In addition to my huge greatness, I'm quite a guy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: It's time we sent you our experimental nugget this week, Joel. Now, human underarm perspiration is something that happens to everyone after they go through puberty... which, I assume, includes you, Joel. [they chuckle]
Dr. Forrester: When's the last time you saw a dog sweat? Larry? Erhardt: Never!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Never!
Dr. Forrester: Exactly! And why is that?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Dogs don't sweat, that's why.
Dr. Forrester: Exactly! Because of the dog's pineal gland. Nature's own canine antiperspirant. Now. You take the pineal gland, and you make a serum. You get a dog, it doesn't matter what kind of dog, and you inject that serum into a human subject. In this case, [Lawrence is about to speak]
Dr. Forrester: Larry!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Joel, speaking of unattractive human bodies, your movie this week, "Eegah", has got Richard Kiel and not much else.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Mother, would you like to kill them or shall I?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Forrester: Nelson! A recent study by a research group at Senior's Lifestyle revealed that, and Frank quotes...
TV's Frank: Owning and caring for a pet decreases hyper-tension, slows the heart-rate, and lowers blood pressure. Unquote.
Dr. Forrester: Obviously the cuter the pet the lower the heart-rate... Anyway, I've designed the world's most adorable pet! It will make you so placid, so care-free, that I'll be able to rule the world and you won't even notice! You, as per usual, are the test case. Frank?
TV's Frank: And his name is... NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Oh, yes, and he's the nummiest little thing there's ever been! Oh, yes you are!
Dr. Forrester: That's right, NummyMuffinCoocolButter! Yes, you are, little nummy, isn't he cute, Frank? I... it out-does the kitty cat, runs circles around the Easter Bunny, and makes Snuggles the fabric-softening bear look like Penn Jillette.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000