Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Crow: Wow this movies really drawn me in... to a deep well of despair.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: WOW. That's 10 pounds of butt in 5 pound butt-capacity pants.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Ya' know, if we PRETEND we know whats going on, this is actually kind of exciting.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Yeah, he can sense danger. A Post-It note could sense danger better than this guy.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: You know Mike, this Ryder guy's like you.
Mike Nelson: Huh.
Crow: No seriously, take away his personality and attractiveness to women and it's you.
Mike Nelson: Oh, thank you...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: You know, it's just not death with dignity if there's an Estevez in the room.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: Yup, when you think of shocking horror, you think of German Oompah band music.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Krankor: My monster obeys my every command
Crow: Like wander around aimlessly and gain weight.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Observer: [studying Mike] His humid, fleshy extensions struggle as he attempts to conquer some simple, seemingly purposeless toy. Already a sense of pity overcomes me, yet I am propelled by my own compassion. Although his biological makeup implies a living thing, I am sure we shall discover him to be an animated piece of refuse or feces; but I must remain impartial even as he mocks everything I hold dear. I hate him. I can only pray that his tiny spinal column conveys no spark of truth, no splinter of the horrible reality that is his own soul. My god, I pray for his death and to all things that love rightness and decency...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: "187. Measure people by the size of their hearts, not by the size of their bank accounts."
Crow T. Robot: Oh, that's enough, Joel! I can't take any more! Please, no!
Tom Servo: No, no, keep going, keep going! This is great, are you crazy?
Joel: "188. When facing a difficult task, act as though it's impossible to fail. When going after Moby Dick, take along the tartar sauce!" [the bots scream in terror]
Joel: Hoel the phone, you two, Momom and Pepop are calling.
Dr. Forrester: That's nothing, Joel, Clive Barker says I've seen the future of horror, and it's "Everything I Need To Know, I Learned in Kindergarten!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Iowa State College... the high school after high school.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: Look, it's special delivery man! And has he got a package...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: "City Limits"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "War of the Colossal Beast"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Amazing Colossal Man"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Fugitive Alien"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Hmmm... "Fugitive Alien 2"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: Uhh... "Master Ninja"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: Oh really? "Gamera"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: Mmmm... "Godzilla vs. Sea Monster"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Zigra"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: ...vs. Baragon"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse, worse, worse.
Joel: "Gamera vs. Guiron"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: How about "The Castle of Fu Manchu"!
Tom Servo: OK, I'll grant you "Castle of Fu Manchu" was just as bad, but we've never done a worse film!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: "Moon Zero Two"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Women of the Prehistoric Planet"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Time of the Apes"?
Tom Servo: Worse, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Wild Rebels"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Stranded in Space"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "King Dinosaur"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Mighty Jack"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "Rocketship X-M"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Joel: "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians"?
Tom Servo: Worse.
Crow T. Robot: "The Unearthly"?
Tom Servo: [sounding more like Johnny Carson] Worse!
Joel: "Teenage Caveman"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse.
Crow T. Robot: "First Spaceship on Venus"?
Tom Servo: Oh, worse, worse.
Joel: "Space Travelers"?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: [as a green monster attacks a girl] The swamp thing versus the sweet thaing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: [as trapeze artists are shown riding bicycles along a tight-rope] Boy, they're sure tough on drunk drivers in Canada.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: [exasperated] Cambot, I want you to remind me of something. Next time I make a robot, no more free will, okay?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: [on the Mads invention] You may have just crossed that line. I've never seen anything so hideous... so immoral... so atonal!
TV's Frank: Thank you. Oh, I gotta clean out the spit valve.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: [reading fan letters] This one, it reads, "Dear Joe, and 'Bots."
Crow T. Robot: 'Bots! That's us! Whoo! We're the 'Bots!
Tom Servo: Woo! Thank you, thank you very much.
Joel: I just like the way Tom Serbo sings, my favorite robot is Crow, but Joe is funny too."... And it's signed... TV's Frank?
Tom Servo: D'oh!
TV's Frank: Yes! Yes! Hahahahahahaha!
Dr. Forrester: What a little kiss-up. Push the Button, TV's Frank.
TV's Frank: Oh, Little John, have you seen my arrow?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: [reading scrolling title sequence] What is that, what does it say, mittens?
Joel: Joe Don Baker *is* Mittens...
Crow T. Robot: He's a cop!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: [reading the manual to disarm the Isaac Asmov doomsday device] Step One: It will be very enjoyable for you to separate the ocular filter coupling up from the decapacitor which is stout... and yellow sometimes." Crow, you better scan this and give me the instructions.
Crow T. Robot: [scans for about a second] Got it!
Joel: Oh, brother...
Crow T. Robot: Ooookaaay. "Most very kindly, find the Lookie Switch which is nice and sitting there with green label which leaves you singing."
Joel: I *think* I got it...
Crow T. Robot: Okay, "Carefully disregard and do not do the very wrong thing or much confusion will result"... tell me about it... "with sparks, flowers and loud report on some models." [pause]
Crow T. Robot: "Glue Bat-Man to CG detail omitted for clarity"?
Joel: This is really confusing.
Tom Servo: Who WROTE this, Charlie Callas?
Crow T. Robot: Hey, oh! Oh, wait, there's more! It says uhhh... "Clip red wire likes you best with firm hand and glad heart... "
Joel: Okay, I think that oughtta do it... [it sprays him with silly string]
Crow T. Robot: "... but first, clip the blue wire. Got you, scrawny man."
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joel: [seeing Ro-Man] That ladies and gentlemen, is the destroyer of the universe... I rest my case
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000