Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[On a large yacht, soundtrack artists Carol Connors and The Cascades observe the boys and girls angrily ignoring each other.]
Servo: I feel a number coming on…
Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!
Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.
Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus ExSound Machina!
Servo: I feel a number coming on…
Carol Connors: Hey, we better do something, and quick!
Various Cascades: Yeah! Let's do something.
Crow: Hey, it's Gloria Estefan and the Catalina Deus ExSound Machina!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[On the SOL, the Bots are playing Civil Defense Quiz Bowl. Joel hosts.]
Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
Servo: Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?
Joel: Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to swave you from an unholy death, please?
Servo: [screaming] DUCK AND COVER!
Joel: Is right for five points.
Joel: All right, let's get things started with a toss-up question. What three word slogan was coined during the Cold War as a schoolchild's best defense against an A-bomb attack? [Servo buzzes in] Tom Servo of Oak Ridge!
Servo: Uh, uh, uh, duck and cover?
Joel: Could you state in the form of a desperate cry to God to swave you from an unholy death, please?
Servo: [screaming] DUCK AND COVER!
Joel: Is right for five points.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[U.S. spy John Manston debriefs his lovely Soviet contact, Tanya.]
Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.
Joel [as Manston]: That's why we've got to crush them!
Manston: Hard to believe that a group of civilized men could sit around and calmly discuss how to murder five or six million others.
Joel [as Manston]: That's why we've got to crush them!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Back in the U.S., a general tries to get a scientist to assure success on an American missile program.]
General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?
General: If we can't come up with something better within a reasonable time, this country is going to witness the most frightful disaster it has ever seen.
Joel: You mean an actor becoming President?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[General Watkins answers his phone.]
General: Hello?
Joel [as voice on other end]: Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear?
General: Yes!
General: Hello?
Joel [as voice on other end]: Hello, are you wearing rubber underwear?
General: Yes!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Crow: [After a car has taken an abnormally long time to park] Nobody will be admitted during the breathtaking car-parking sequence!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Tanya meets Manston in some ruins near the Soviet missile base.]
Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT?
Crow [as Tanya]: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.
Manston: Did Lars give you the TNT?
Crow [as Tanya]: He gave me the T and the N, but not the other T. And I had the A.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[New York has just been nuked.]
Crow: It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce.
Crow: It turned the Big Apple into apple sauce.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[College student Lewis Moffitt (played by 41-year-old George E. Mather) gets off the phone with his girlfriend.]
Joel [as Moffitt]: Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.
[He puts on a sweater.]
Servo [as Moffitt]: Let's see… [groans] … ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.
Crow [as Moffitt/Old Man]: I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…
Joel [as Moffitt]: Aw, she's the ginchiest. Life does begin at 40.
[He puts on a sweater.]
Servo [as Moffitt]: Let's see… [groans] … ooh, that bursitis is really acting up today.
Crow [as Moffitt/Old Man]: I'm gonna have to take a sweater. My legs are old, my teeth are grey…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Dr. Zorka shows the chauffeur the "source of his power," which looks like a patterned cube]
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up!
Crow [as Bela Lugosi]: It's called a Rubiks Cube. Don't screw it up!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Outside a bar, a scruffy motorcycle gang with skulls-and-crossbones on their jackets dismount and enter.]
Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.
Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?
Joel: Hey, those guys are marked clearly as poison. Don't eat 'em. Hmm.
Servo: If you take these bikers internally, do not induce vomiting.
Crow: Nah, the movie'll do that for you. Like an ipecac.
Joel: An epa— oh, that Genesis album?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The bikers are cycling along a road through a forest, guzzling beer.]
Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.
Joel [as Adman]: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time!
Servo: Two roads diverged into a yellow wood / And, sorry I could not take my hog down both / And be one traveller, long I stood.
Joel [as Adman]: You beat the stuffing out of three preppies and given away the girl, but before the day is through, you'll take enough drugs to kill a horse. Now, it's Miller Time!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The gang is making their getaway from a bank after robbing it.]
Servo [as Banjo]: Not this way, man, my mom will see me!
Servo [as Banjo]: Not this way, man, my mom will see me!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A shot with a cop on a motorcycle in front of the Lt.'s car.]
Crow: Hey, look! Erik Estrada!
Crow: Hey, look! Erik Estrada!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[A quick shot of a rocket on a launch pad.]
Crow: Oh, look! A V-2!
Tom: Aw, I could've had a V8!
Crow: Oh, look! A V-2!
Tom: Aw, I could've had a V8!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As the American military and science team heads for the mountain on which a radioactive rocket landed, their native guide turns to flee.]
Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?
Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo!
Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong.
Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.
Nolan: Aren't you coming with us?
Native Girl: [nervously] Nooo!
Crow [as Native Girl]: Me no got lead sarong.
Native Girl: Sacred mountain taboo! No one ever come back from home of god!
Joel [as Native Girl]: Besides, you guys not see woman in long time.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[During the film's interminable rock-climbing sequence]
Crow: Must...try...hard...to...pad...out...the...film!
Crow: Must...try...hard...to...pad...out...the...film!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[title card features a large X, with Marks the Spot fading in atop it.]
Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?
Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.
Crow: Marks the Spot? Is that like Mack the Knife?
Joel: No, I think it's about a dog that changed its name.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Seated, non-actor New Jersey commissioner Arthur Magee gives a prologue to the 1944 traffic-safety short.]
Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
Crow [as Magee]: If you kill yourself here, we can't kill you over there.
Commissioner Magee: We kill…
Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
Commissioner Magee: … and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
. . .
Servo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.
Commissioner Magee: The loss of life, or any disabling injury to a war worker, means a definite setback to our war plan.
Crow [as Magee]: If you kill yourself here, we can't kill you over there.
Commissioner Magee: We kill…
Servo: Sounds like Commissioner Fudd.
Commissioner Magee: … and maim our fellow countrymen, without malice, without hatred, without thinking.
Joel: Without ENERGY! Would you wake up?! Come on!
. . .
Servo [as Magee/Elmer Fudd]: You can't see it fwom here, but my towso is fused to a bwock of gwanite.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The scene fades to an intersection]
Narrator: Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.
Crow [as Narrator]: Called "Blood Alley"
Narrator: No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...
Joel [as Narrator]: It made you feel happy.
[Scene pans to a car approaching]
Narrator: Here comes someone from one direction and...
[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]
Narrator: ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.
Joel [as Narrator]: Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!
[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]
Servo: Well, I guess he can't be a witness...
Narrator: Now here's an intersection near where Joe lived.
Crow [as Narrator]: Called "Blood Alley"
Narrator: No stop signs, the kind of place where nobody bothered to stop or slow down...
Joel [as Narrator]: It made you feel happy.
[Scene pans to a car approaching]
Narrator: Here comes someone from one direction and...
[Pan to another car coming the opposite way]
Narrator: ...uh-oh... here comes Joe from the other.
Joel [as Narrator]: Let's watch the fun! Hee-hee! The joke will be on Joe!
[Cut to a pedestrian watching the corner. As the cars approach each other, he plugs his ears, and closes his eyes tightly just before impact.]
Servo: Well, I guess he can't be a witness...
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Two "scientists" are watching a "menacing" iguanaT. rex.]
Dr. Bennett: Oh Ralph, what is it?!
Crow: [yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up!
Dr. Bennett: Oh Ralph, what is it?!
Crow: [yelling] It's an iguana, now shut up!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Brinkman runs up to Dr. Sumiko, a female Asian crewmember, before the flight.]
Brinkman: Sumiko!
Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]: I will as soon my lawyer gets here.
Sumiko: Brinkman! [An uneasy moment passes.] Have I changed that much?
Joel [as Brinkman]: Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!
Brinkman: Sumiko!
Crow [as Sumiko/Groucho Marx]: I will as soon my lawyer gets here.
Sumiko: Brinkman! [An uneasy moment passes.] Have I changed that much?
Joel [as Brinkman]: Yeah, you used to be a Swedish man!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Astronaut Brinkman accidentally kicks a rock into a pool of magma, which throws it back. A rockslide showers Brinkman and Sumiko.]
Crow [as Brinkman]: Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.
Crow [as Brinkman]: Uhh... note to myself: don't throw rocks at magma.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The astronauts run up a ramp to escape an oozing, Blob-like slick chasing them.]
Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him?
Joel: Hey, where's Steve McQueen when you need him?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Prof. Sikarna gives a long boring exposition]
Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?
Crow: Well, that's very interesting, but does it belong in the script?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[At the lakeside picnic, little Rokuro (Rok-san) frantically paddles his watercraft during an earthquake. On shore, Goro glances at Jinkawa.]
Goro: Hey! The rocket!
Servo: [Snorts] Rockets!
Crow: On a picnic?
. . .
Rokuro: Help me! Hurry up!
Joel: Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!
. . .
[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]
Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Yep!
Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…
Goro: Hey! The rocket!
Servo: [Snorts] Rockets!
Crow: On a picnic?
. . .
Rokuro: Help me! Hurry up!
Joel: Hey, you're in no position to make demands, kid!
. . .
[Goro fires the "rocket" at Rok-san, who catches the attached rope and secures his end around his watercraft.]
Servo: Guess a rocket is standard picnicking equipment in Japan, isn't it?
Joel: Yeah.
Servo: Yep!
Crow [as Picnicker]: Well, let's go on a picnic. Let's see, we got our food, beverages, and 50 feet of uncoiled rope…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Goro, Jinkawa, and Rok-san return to the laboratory.]
Jinkawa: [to Goro] Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot!
Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY!
Jinkawa: [to Goro] Hey, it would be funny if the earthquake destroyed your robot!
Joel [as Goro]: Yeah, it would be funny if the earthquake killed your FAMILY!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000