Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
[During a montage of Goro welding and assembling his robot]
Crow [as a Narrator]: Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...
. . .
[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]
Joel: They've just created Jennifer Beals.
Crow [as a Narrator]: Industry: creating a better world. Our most valuable resource? People! He's a maniac! A maniac! And he's dancing like he's never danced before! He's a steel town boy on a Saturday...
. . .
[As the camera pans up to reveal the finished robot, Jet Jaguar]
Joel: They've just created Jennifer Beals.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Scene: an obvious toy helicopter hovers over obvious toy army jeeps.]
Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.
Joel [as Capt. Willard]: Saigon. I can't believe I'm in a model of Saigon.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Jet Jaguar flies around in the sky above them]
Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?
Servo: [Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design!
Goro: They're controlling him.
Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!
Crow: Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it!
Goro: Isn't that Jet Jaguar there?
Servo: [Sarcastically] No, it's another superhero of your own design!
Goro: They're controlling him.
Rok-san: It's a pity we can't send Jet Jaguar to go and get Godzilla!
Crow: Yeah, it's a pity we can't kill you and get away with it!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jinkawa and Rokuro prepare to assault the laboratory (with a model airplane)]
Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
Joel: Um, no.
Servo: Not this kid.
. . .
Servo [as Jinkawa]: [Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!
Crow: Hey, is there an ethical question about taking a little kid on a dangerous mission?
Joel: Um, no.
Servo: Not this kid.
. . .
Servo [as Jinkawa]: [Sarcastically] Gee, I hope this works or little Billy will be lunch meat!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Megalon and Jet Jaguar continue fighting]
Servo: I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys...
. . .
Crow: He's got a foreign object!
Servo: He is a foreign object!
Servo: I know I should be excited and scared and all, but I -- all I can think of is sweaty Japanese guys...
. . .
Crow: He's got a foreign object!
Servo: He is a foreign object!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[As Godzilla finally makes it to the climactic battle]
Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]: I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.
Crow [as Godzilla/Nada]: I have come here to chew sushi and kick butt. And I'm all out of sushi.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Jet Jaguar is curled up on the ground after being shot out of the air by Megalon. The latter stands over him, gloating.]
Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?
Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!
Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.
Crow [as Megalon/General Zod]: You will bow down before me, Jet Jaguar!
Joel [as Jet Jaguar/Bond]: Do you expect me to talk?
Crow [as Megalon/Goldfinger]: No, Jet Jaguar. I expect you to die!
Servo: Oh, very good, guys. Uh, kind of a James Bond thing there.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Megalon is taunting Godzilla.]
Servo [as Megalon]: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot!
Servo [as Megalon]: Nyah nyah, nyah nyah nyah! Your father was a lizard! Your mother was an A-bomb! ...Your uncle was a robot!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Godzilla slowly lifts Megalon by his tail high into the air.]
Servo [as Sportscaster]: Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!
Servo [as Sportscaster]: Godzilla is either breaking the laws of physics, or he's throwing around an empty rubber suit!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[After the final battle, Godzilla walks away.]
Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye!
Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for leveling our country!
Rok-san: Godzilla! Bye-bye!
Servo [as Goro]: Thanks for leveling our country!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Goro attempts to control Jet Jaguar using his control medallion.]
Goro: [Into medallion] Jet Jaguar! Let's go home!
[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]
Crow [as Jet Jaguar]: Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house!
Goro: [Into medallion] Jet Jaguar! Let's go home!
[Jet Jaguar nods and turns to leave]
Crow [as Jet Jaguar]: Yeah, sure, you control me... right... I'll be home crushing your house!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The bots' translation of the fabulous Jet Jaguar fight song]
He jock it made of steel.
Eats sushi from a pail.
Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!
He mother never really love him.
He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity.
He dickey covers up an Adam's apple the size of a Toyota.
He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid's head against a rock!
Knock, knock, knock!!
Who's there?
He face look like Jack Nicholson.
Don't laugh like that; it'll stay that way.
Yamahageeooooooh!
[pause]
Do not touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man.
He jock it made of steel.
Eats sushi from a pail.
Jet Jaguar? Jet Jaguar!
He mother never really love him.
He crimefighting covers up a basic insecurity.
He dickey covers up an Adam's apple the size of a Toyota.
He basically good-hearted, but he'd like to smash that kid's head against a rock!
Knock, knock, knock!!
Who's there?
He face look like Jack Nicholson.
Don't laugh like that; it'll stay that way.
Yamahageeooooooh!
[pause]
Do not touch my bags if you please, Mr. Customs Man.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Wanda hears some rocks falling in the cavern]
Wanda: Dad?
Mike: Look, your dad's not responsible for everything that happens in the world!
Wanda: Dad?
Mike: Look, your dad's not responsible for everything that happens in the world!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Godzilla, slumbering peacefully after a rampage, is attacked by a giant red bird.]
Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, TippiHedren? Get outta here!
Crow [as Godzilla]: Hey! Whadda ya think I am, TippiHedren? Get outta here!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Sea Monster rises from the water as a couple captured natives try to flee, James Bond- like music plays in background.]
Tom: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.[N]
Tom: James Bond is back as the spy with the biggest crab claw you've ever seen in your life! Double-O crab.[N]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The crab monster thing has just skewered two escaping natives]
Crow: Kabob and Ka-Steve!
Crow: Kabob and Ka-Steve!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The movie credits show: Miles O'Keefe]
Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie?
Servo: Oh, Miles O' Keefe!
Crow: How much Keefe is in this movie?
Servo: Oh, Miles O' Keefe!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Ator: Man's destiny is predetermined.
Joel: Oh, he's a Calvinist!
Joel: Oh, he's a Calvinist!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Two villains have shot Mila with a bow and arrow. Mila is able to run away, so they follow chase.]
Servo [as one of the villains]: You idiot, we don't even have a doe license!
Servo [as one of the villains]: You idiot, we don't even have a doe license!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Mila has been locked in a cell by Ator as a test of her knowledge.]
Joel [as Mila]: Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.
Tom [as Mila]: What would MacGyver do?
Joel [as Mila]: Let's see now, there's a superball and half a peanut and a length of kite string and a carpenter's saw.
Tom [as Mila]: What would MacGyver do?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[The narrator is introducing the characters in the film.]
Narrator: After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.
Servo: Oh, you mean the '80s.
Narrator: After the time of the Great Forming, there was a time when the world was populated by wild, cruel, and ignorant men.
Servo: Oh, you mean the '80s.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[In the flashback, Ator the Invicible fights a giant spider.]
Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.
Crow: He never killed, uh, that big a puppet before.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ator is attacked by the same primitive-looking cavemen from the first scene in the movie.]
Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!
Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point!
Crow: Oh! These must be the "Cave Dwellers"!
Servo: Yes ladies and gentlemen, thirty-five minutes into the film and we finally have our first plot point!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ator and Thong are attacked by invisible enemies.]
Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.
Joel: I don't believe it — they were too cheap to hire villains in this movie.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ator is battling a pathetic-looking snake puppet.]
Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!
Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
. . .
Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator!
Joel: Hey, it's not slimy at all!
Servo: That's 'cause it's made out of velour.
. . .
Servo: Just cut the wires, Ator!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Barbarian Ator leaps from a cliff in a rather modern-looking hang-glider.]
Servo: Oh, come on.
Crow: What the…?!
Servo: [laughs]
Joel: Terrific. [childlike voice]I'm the luckiest boy in the world!I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!
Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics…
Servo: Oh, come on.
Crow: What the…?!
Servo: [laughs]
Joel: Terrific. [childlike voice]I'm the luckiest boy in the world!I have slipped the surly bounds of Earth and touched the hand of God!
Servo: This is a little ridiculous. Okay, so… he kills a deer, he tans the hides, he stretches the skins, he makes an anodized aluminum frame, he learns how to extrude and weld… all in about five minutes, huh? […] learned aerodynamics…
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Ator glides over the castle walls, dropping hand-made bombs on the guards.]
Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.
Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.
Servo: Message for you, sir! Oh, he also made bombs while he was up there.
Joel: Looks like he's gonna carpet-bomb.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Despite flying over a castle amidst a mountain range, Ator brings his glider in for a landing in an open field.]
Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now.
[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]
Crow: Uh— huh?
Joel: How'd he do that?
Servo [as Ator]: How'd I do that?
[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]
Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now.
Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts.
Joel: Oh, he's landing in the outback now.
[The scene then switches to Ator landing on top of said castle.]
Crow: Uh— huh?
Joel: How'd he do that?
Servo [as Ator]: How'd I do that?
[Ator draws his swords and charges into battle.]
Joel: Well, I s'pose he's got a tank in the courtyard, now.
Crow: Yeah, and it's made out of coconuts.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
[Gamera's beady eyes watch Kenny as he flees from the rocky sea cliff.]
Crow [as Gamera]: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!
Crow [as Gamera]: Those kids at school — they tease you, Kenny. Because they['ve] never tasted hell. Today, we turn the tables!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000