Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Mike Nelson: You know, this movie can be used to induce vomiting.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: [Observer's been trying to send Mike to the planet] Ok Brain guy. I'm going to be very clear. Bring... Mike... Down here. [a man in a business suit appears]
Mike Down, CPA: Where am I? Oh. Hi, I'm Mike Down.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: A mother has got to support her son no matter what a loser he is.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: All and all a pretty nice trip. We used Brainiac here as a fish locator and then he harvested some wild mushrooms with his mind. We sat by a crystal blue stream having mind-fried rainbow trout. Mmm. It was heaven.
Bobo: I got bit by a rattlesnake in a very embarasing place. Had to suck the poison out myself.
Pearl Forrester: I'll never eat again.
Bobo: Then got stung by a scorpion. Oh, found the motherload of deer ticks. Uh, sat in some sandbur. Say, got mauled by a bear. Buried me so he could eat me later, and I had to dig my way out.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: Can I rule you?
Tom Servo: Sorry, baby. No one rules the Tom Monster.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: I'll send him cheesy movies... The worst, I can find! He'll have to sit and watch them all, and I'll monitor his mind!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: Look, I found Frank's head while I was cleaning out the closet.
Dr. Forrester: No, that's just an extra one he kept around.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: Mike, your movie this week stars nobody and features nothing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: Okay, great. Art, uh, I have looked over your script.
Crow T. Robot: Oh, good, uh... , Let me just say that I will not have this script tampered with!
Pearl Forrester: And, clearly, there are some major script revisions needed.
Crow T. Robot: Uh, sure, great, absolutely, fine, fine, whatever. And, uh, uh, um, uh, what kind of budget are we looking at here, uh, Pearl... Dr. Forrester? Heh.
Dr. Forrester: Well, we could only get you about 30 million for the entire movie, so, how that shakes out is roughly, well ten percent for each of us, uh, ten percent for the company, insurance, uh...
Pearl Forrester: Administration, holding fee, completion bonds.
Dr. Forrester: So, we should be able to shoot you about eight hundred dollars for the entire movie.
Crow T. Robot: What? Eight hundred from... from thirty mil... I can't do anything for eight hundred dollars! Come on!
Pearl Forrester: Huh.
Dr. Forrester: Hal Needham once said, "Give me a fire-bird and a delapidated building and I'll give you drama!"
Crow T. Robot: Oh... eight hundred sounds fine... oh, okay! Alright, okay, okay, we're making a movie!
Mike Nelson: Hey!
Crow T. Robot: You guys are gonna be in my movie!
Mike Nelson: Alright, yeah.
Pearl Forrester: And the studio insists on Kevin Bacon.
Crow T. Robot: Kevin Bacon? How we supposed to get Kevin Bacon? We can't afford him! How're we gonna get him up here?
Pearl Forrester: Well, again guys, this is the big time.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: Quiet, you fool. I found the ancient family diary of the Forrester clan. It's fascinating. Ancient numbers for ancient bookies. Topaz Wallingford Thiesenstein Forrester really knew how to play the ponies. And here, 1,000 year old malt liquor labels. And an antediluvian form of chicken-in-a-biscuit called Her Majesty's Fool's Hen Cracklebread. What a rich and marvelous past. What's this? Apparently, my ancestors have always been involved in odd experiments. Amethyst Rogento Forrester trapped a man in a cave and pushed in bad paintings of the hunt. Emerald Montgomery Forrester trapped a man on an island and forced him to read poorly done parchments and... and, could this be... Adventerine Sowbodaford Forrester trapped a man in a tree and told him really bad sagas... it's incredible. I have a feeling I'm on to something here, Nelson... some power, some force beyond my control. And it doesn't look good for you. Ha ha ha ha.
Observer: I think you're getting off the point just a tad, you might want...
Pearl Forrester: Cower, world. Tremble, world. Run and mule and puke in terror, world. Ready. Haaarch.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Pearl Forrester: You're out of order.
Bobo: I'm not out of order. YOU'RE out of order. This court room is out of order, the system is out of order, the candy machine in the hallway is out of order!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: ...this Clay.
Dr. Forrester: Shut up, Lar. This is an important experiment.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Let me up, it hurts!
Dr. Forrester: It's supposed to hurt. It's science!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [explaining how he went mad] And they promised me students, but all I got were monkeys! Monkeys! Monkeys! So I took off my wetsuit, dropped that hedge clipper, and walked out of that zoo forever!
Dr. Forrester: Well, you've created quite a little world for yourself, Larry...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Hey! Tell me how you went mad, now!
Dr. Forrester: Well, it was the Ice Capades and I was hot riveting my knee caps to Peggy Fleming's zamboni... or maybe it was... '56... Sun Valley. I was found behind the soft-serve machine, drooling over a picture of Dick Buttons... or perhaps Oslo... I was found drunk and woozy... scratching the name Paula Cranston into my thigh with a nail... You see, I...
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Was that when you went mad?
Dr. Forrester: No, it's when I became a scientist.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [singing] I think I'll file this thing for you As I always seem to do I like working for you Clay cuz you're a really neat guy
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: [wearing "no d" glasses] Ahh, ahh. Aah, aah! These glasses are great! It looked like it was coming right at me!
Dr. Forrester: It was! I just threw it at you, you idiot!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Clay! Clay! I think I was spotted on the way down here!
Dr. Forrester: Did you wear your disguise?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I was wearing my disguise, but I'm just not good in heels!
Dr. Forrester: No-one must know we're down here doing this. Well, it's time to call Joel about the experiment anyway. Come in Joelie Poelie Puneit pie!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'm telling you, Clay, it was brilliant. It sold millions. The "Paul is Dead" hoax was one of the greatest marketing schemes in history.
Dr. Forrester: And the "Joel is Dead" campaign is the perfect way to pump some life into the video marketing arm of Mystery Science Theater.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: It'll be the biggest marketing coup since Coke changed the formula! Let's review the clues
Dr. Forrester: Yeah! Oh good, good. I was watching this tape earlier and I picked out some things. Here, look at this. See... SAT I. Good, now Saturday the 1st, the first day he died.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Brilliant!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Absolutely. Alright. Okay next, look: Next Sunday AD. AD, After Death. He died on Saturday the 1st, Sunday the 2nd was the funeral.
Dr. Forrester: Okay. Now, now here in the lyric, in the soundtrack, it says there was a guy named Joel. Not is, was.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Well done.
Dr. Forrester: Thank you.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Very nice, very nice. Okay, here's my final one. Okay, look in the opening segment here. He has really long hair. Nowhere else on the show does he have that kind of hair.
Dr. Forrester: Yeah.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what they say, hair keeps growing after death. So with Peter Torque, too. Peter Torque, he looks like Peter Torque. Peter Torque has long hair, The Monkees are kinda dead.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, yeah... Yeah. Well, umm... Umm, no.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You know what I'm getting at? They're gonna love it.
Dr. Forrester: Uh, I'm not buying that. I think that's reaching a little bit, Larry.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Okay, alright. It's for money. There's money involved here.
Dr. Forrester: Oh yeah, I understand. I think it'
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Is it working for you?
Dr. Forrester: Shh! Oh, we're on. Did you see the ratings from last week's show? They went up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Against the Super Bowl! I don't get it! The hot levels were out of this world, too. We've got to send him something really awful this week. What do you have?
Dr. Forrester: Well, I'd like to shake hands with the man who can think his way around this film. It's another Sandy Frank epic, this time from Chechylslovakia. Even Joelie's mother couldn't watch this thing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, here's our development! An entirely new concept in oral hygeine!
Dr. Forrester: Yes, we've employed some of Hollywood's top stars to help us with our new mouth-to-mouth celebrity toothpastes.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Feel the cleaning power of the stars' internal juices as they go to work on plaque and tarter build-up in your mouth! Here's Jack Nicholson from "Witches of Eastwood"! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: Mr. Clusoe from Monty Python's "The Meaning of Life". Somebody get me a bucket, I'm gonna throw up!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: And Linda Blair with real head crunching action! Your mother flosses in hell! Bleah!
Dr. Forrester: What do you think Joelrini?
Joel: Well, I think four out of five dentists would recommend psycho-therapy for you two.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: We've gotta talk!
Dr. Forrester: I'm done talking. I'm all talked out. What's wrong with you, anyway?
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I'll change!
Dr. Forrester: Well then, change, damn you!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: I've changed.
Dr. Forrester: Not that quickly. It doesn't count.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: You've gotta stop it. It doesn't make sense. You're killing us, Clay! We're not mad scientists, we're just angry.
Dr. Forrester: Forget it! It would cost too much to change the letterhead. My God, I... I wake up this morning and I've got a mad scientist for a partner. And now, you've turned into Florence Henderson!
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Oh, is that so wrong? We need a change! New outfits, a splash of color maybe!
Joel: Uh, sorry to interrupt, you two, but are we still doing this movie thing or what?
Dr. Forrester: How long have you been listening?
Joel: Well, since Thursday.
Dr. Lawrence Erhardt: Thurs- My casserole!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: [during the crawling hand] Gotta hand it to him.
Crow T. Robot: He went out on a limb with that one.
Joel: Thank goodness he brought that freezer wrap.
Tom Servo: Actually I think it's a handbag. [Crow and Joel groan]
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: I'm Popeye the sailor man; I've got a guy's head in my hand
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: Joel, if we ever get to be like these 'bots - please shut us down?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Tom Servo: No self-respecting scientist would have his shirt unbuttoned that far.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000