Mystery Science Theater 3000 Quotes
Drunk: You can't buy enough booze to make me go for you.
Mike Nelson: But could you try?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Edward: It's about the aztec breastplate and bracelet, gentlemen
Joel: I put them on at night and dance.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Edward: It's time I revealed something very serious...
Tom Servo: My underwear is a hundred years old.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
General: Did you know flying a plane is like making love?
Crow T. Robot: Uh, do you have to pay?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
General: Don't shoot to kill.
Tom Servo: DON'T shoot to kill?
Crow T. Robot: Shoot to pick off, yeah that's the ticket.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
General: War, is such a waste of life.
Tom Servo: You know, that line makes me stop and think... about how much better a root canal would be then this movie!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Girl: That's a great stew. What's in it?
Johnny Longbow: Oh, a lot of things.
Tom Servo: Rattlesnake, Velveeta.
Johnny: Chicken, corn, chili, green pepper... onions...
Mike Nelson: Hair...
Johnny: Well, it's kind of an old recipe around here.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Grandpa Borgnine: So, David, Michael's father, senses that something in his house might be possesed by an evil spirit.
Crow: You are sick, old man.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Greta: He sleeps with me, then busts me.
Joel: First things first.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Griffin: Is that the mountain?
Tom Servo: Let's kill that mountain.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: They would be part of the second line of defence. To be used only if necessary.
Mike Nelson: [immitating narrator] Also known as "dessert".
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: This is the fair ground, where the fair is held.
Tom Servo: Any questions so far?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Narrator: Watch out, that ground is awful hard.
Joel: Life is awful hard.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Nastinka: Have mercy on me o rising sun.
Tom Servo: And you are?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Nick: So, are you making dinner?
Lisa: Are you offering dinner?
Crow: No, I'm saying "MAKE ME DINNER!"
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Hamlet: That is the question.
Crow: I'll take "To Be" for fifty, Alex.
Hamlet: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune...
Tom Servo: Starring Shelly Long and Bette Midler.
Hamlet: Or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing, end them.
Mike Nelson: Ow, my shin's right on the edge of a stair.
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Crow: That's what we're doing right now, bub.
Hamlet: No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.
Mike Nelson: Okay, we need a predicate now.
Hamlet: 'Tis a consummation devoutly to be wished.
Crow: Especially with Ophelia, man!
Hamlet: To die... To sleep...
Tom Servo: To SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!
Crow: Whoa! That's an old chestnut.
Hamlet: [whispering] To sleep...
Tom Servo: [ditto] to sleeeep...
Hamlet: Perchance to DREAM!
Crow: The impossible DREAM!
Hamlet: Ay! There's the rub!
Mike Nelson: I knew I had some rub left.
Hamlet: For in that sleep of death what dreams may come when we have shuffled off this mortal coil. There's the respect that makes calamity of such long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrongs, the proud man's contumely... [Mike begins nodding head along with the list]
Hamlet: ... The pangs of despised love, the law's delay... The insolence of office and the spurns that patient merit of the unworthy takes, when he himself his quietus make with a bare bodkin?
Crow: He said bare bodkin! [giggles]
Hamlet: Who would fardels bear...
Mike Nelson: Fard
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Helicopter Pilot: Until further notice...
Tom Servo: I'm Paul Frees.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Henchman: We will not fail you again, Tundra.
Crow T. Robot: That's Permefrost to you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Henchman: We'll make slaves of men with this mask.
Crow: And we'll rule fish, too!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Ivan: You must have a very wicked stepmother.
Mike Nelson: Yep, standard issue.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Japanese reporter: I got pictures of your spaceship.
Tom Servo: MY spaceship. When we bought it it was OUR spaceship.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Jody: Is there anyone in this house that I don't know about?
Crow: Well, you know Wilma Failed-Genetic-Experiment, right?
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Joe Moss: Coffee?
Crow T. Robot: What is this "Coffee"?
Joe Moss: I like coffee!
Mike Nelson: And thus we peer into the complex inner workings of this character.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Johnny: Well, why don't they call?
Crow: Because they don't like you!
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Judge Clara: Their answer is summed up in two callous words...
Crow T. Robot: Bor-ing.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000
Judy: [as she is shoveling bacon into her mouth] Mmm, I just love it when it's so warm and crispy!
Mike Nelson: Yeah, evidently.
TV Show: Mystery Science Theater 3000