NCIS Quotes
[Gibbs and Jenny are watching Tony and Ziva from the above squad room]
Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.
Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.
Jenny: I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.
Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.
Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.
Jenny: I should have warned you. I think she was an Eastern European cab driver in a past life.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: While you're here, you will be an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
Ziva: You're kidding, right?
[Gibbs just looks at her. Ziva removes her sidearm and gives it to him.]
Gibbs: And your back-up.
Ziva: What back-up?
Gibbs: Left leg.
Ziva: Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]
Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] That, you can keep. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.
Ziva: You're kidding, right?
[Gibbs just looks at her. Ziva removes her sidearm and gives it to him.]
Gibbs: And your back-up.
Ziva: What back-up?
Gibbs: Left leg.
Ziva: Oh. That one. [removes ankle holster]
Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist. [Ziva removes the knife and hands it to him as well; Gibbs gives it back] That, you can keep. [quietly, in Ziva's ear] I just wanted you to know that I know.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: McGee, never forget. I am one of few people, in the world, who can murder you and leave no forensic evidence.
TV Show: NCIS
[Gibbs and Tony arrive to find Ziva standing over two restrained suspects and a woman with a knife in her chest]
Tony: Remind me never to piss her off.
Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.
Tony: Remind me never to piss her off.
Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.
TV Show: NCIS
[The team arrives at the scene, a police officer greets Tony]
Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
[Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene]
Officer: Special Agent Gibbs?
Tony: Uh, no... he's the older gentleman with the smile on his face.
[Chuckles and points to a stern-faced Gibbs who is briskly walking past them to the crime scene]
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [to McGee, as they work the crime scene] If it's any consolation, probie, I had my identity stolen once.
McGee: Really?
Tony: I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?
McGee: Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
[Tony slowly gives him a stare]
McGee: [falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...
McGee: Really?
Tony: I had a charge on my Visa for a vintage Barbie doll. 'Career-girl' outfit?
McGee: Ooh, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
[Tony slowly gives him a stare]
McGee: [falters] Oh, well, um... I-- I had a-- a girlfriend who collected once. We used to... line them up on...
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word... "pumps". Get back to work...
TV Show: NCIS
[crime scene is a car crash below a very steep slope, and Ducky calls to the agents to come down and help find a bullet]
McGee: [exchanges uneasy looks with Tony] Well... as, you've pointed out many times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.
Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, probie.
McGee: How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?
Tony: How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?
McGee: [exchanges uneasy looks with Tony] Well... as, you've pointed out many times, I'm-- I'm just a junior field agent.
Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, probie.
McGee: How about if I follow in your footsteps... you lead the way?
Tony: How about if you kiss my experienced buttocks?
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of these rules I should be aware of?
Gibbs: About fifty of them.
Ziva: And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could--
Gibbs: No.
Ziva: Then how am I supposed to--
Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you!
Gibbs: About fifty of them.
Ziva: And I don't suppose they're written down anywhere that I could--
Gibbs: No.
Ziva: Then how am I supposed to--
Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you!
TV Show: NCIS
[searching a Naval officer's house]
Tony: [gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?
Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
Tony: This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!
McGee: That's great.
Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"
[N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced "Magnum, P.I."]
Tony: [gasps] It can't be! Do you realize what we have here?
Ziva: Another ugly shirt?
Tony: This is an authentic "Magnum, P.I." Jungle Bird design! 100% cotton, bamboo buttons, "Made in Hawaii" label! Come on, this is the Holy Grail of Aloha garments!
McGee: That's great.
Tony: Eight seasons Magnum wore this shirt, putting up with Higgins and those stupid dogs. [imitating Higgins] "Zeus! Apollo!"
[N.B. Series creator Donald Bellasario also created and executive-produced "Magnum, P.I."]
TV Show: NCIS
[searching a Naval officer's house]
Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”
Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.
Tony: Check book.
Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.
Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol’ U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.
[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]
Ziva: I think it’s the-
Tony: Shh!
[They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps]
Tony: It’s a...
Ziva: It’s a marmoset.
McGee: Actually, that’s a capuchin.
Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: She may have had it confused with “go fly a kite.”
Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused sometimes. I found his bank book.
Tony: Check book.
Ziva: Whatever you call it. His deposits seem high.
Tony: Where you come from, they may seem high but here in the good ol’ U.S. of A... [sees the checkbook] These are really, really high.
[A sound is heard elsewhere in the house. All three of them draw their guns.]
Ziva: I think it’s the-
Tony: Shh!
[They walk to the kitchen and open the cupboard, a marmoset shrieks, Tony jumps]
Tony: It’s a...
Ziva: It’s a marmoset.
McGee: Actually, that’s a capuchin.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: I have some good news and some bad news. Good news: I'm still cute. Bad news: The bomb squad got a little trigger-happy. [holds up bag of bomb fragments] Do you have any idea what's beyond "smithereens"?
Gibbs: Not a clue.
Abby: Neither do I.
[A moment later, Ziva catches up to annoyed Abby in elevator]
Abby: Are you going home?
Ziva: Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.
Abby: [scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensic science?
Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.
Abby: [softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.
Gibbs: Not a clue.
Abby: Neither do I.
[A moment later, Ziva catches up to annoyed Abby in elevator]
Abby: Are you going home?
Ziva: Not yet. I thought I might be able to help you with... [gestures to evidence] ...that.
Abby: [scathingly] Really? Do you have a degree in forensic science?
Ziva: No, but I'm very good at jigsaw puzzles.
Abby: [softening a bit] Huh. We'll see.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Where did all these people come from?
Tony: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day.
Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?
McGee: No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.
Ziva: Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?
Tony: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
Ziva: In Israel we have a saying: zevel ze zevel. "Crap is crap."
Tony: Didn't you see the signs? It's yard sale day.
Ziva: I see. And do Marines sell their yards often?
McGee: No. It's actually when people gather stuff they don't want anymore and sell them in their yards.
Ziva: Why would anybody want to buy somebody else's junk?
Tony: One man's junk is another man's treasure.
Ziva: In Israel we have a saying: zevel ze zevel. "Crap is crap."
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Which proves what I've long suspected - despite the conservative image, Americans really love their porn.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Hey, quit feeling sorry for yourself. Do what you do best.
McGee: What, you mean screwing up?
Tony: No, finding answers when no one else can.
Ziva: That was nice of you.
Tony: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.
Ziva: I thought the expression was "dog."
Tony: Same difference.
McGee: What, you mean screwing up?
Tony: No, finding answers when no one else can.
Ziva: That was nice of you.
Tony: Never kick a probie when he's down, Ziva.
Ziva: I thought the expression was "dog."
Tony: Same difference.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Okay, this guy isn't smart enough to cover his tracks.
McGee: He's doing pretty well so far.
Tony: He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.
Ziva: Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?
McGee: If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?
Tony: Star Wars stuff.
McGee: That narrows it down to like 50 million people.
Tony: Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?
McGee: Yoda? C3PO? Storm trooper?
Ziva: Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence.
McGee: A Star Wars junkie, huh?
Ziva: Not especially.
Tony: She has a photographic memory, probie, not a social disorder.
McGee: He's doing pretty well so far.
Tony: He does online auctions from his laptop. Super collectibles.
Ziva: Ultra collectibles and auctions dot com. Can we trace him?
McGee: If we can pinpoint some of his items. Do you know what he sells?
Tony: Star Wars stuff.
McGee: That narrows it down to like 50 million people.
Tony: Uh, some kind of figurine. There's only three of them?
McGee: Yoda? C3PO? Storm trooper?
Ziva: Wookiee. It is a special edition prototype from 1978. It comes equipped with an ammo belt. There are only three in existence.
McGee: A Star Wars junkie, huh?
Ziva: Not especially.
Tony: She has a photographic memory, probie, not a social disorder.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: If things get hairy, just follow my lead.
Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I have been in hundreds of these situations.
Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.
Ziva: I've never had sex with you either - does that mean I'm a virgin?
Ziva: I don't need a babysitter, Tony, I have been in hundreds of these situations.
Tony: Never with me. As far as I'm concerned, you're a probie.
Ziva: I've never had sex with you either - does that mean I'm a virgin?
TV Show: NCIS
Jen: Always admired your way with children. Ever think to have any of your own?
Gibbs: That an offer, Jen?
Gibbs: That an offer, Jen?
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Frank Connell is a deacon at his church, never had a moving violation, let alone a parking ticket, and he calls his mother every Sunday. The man is spic and spam.
Tony: The saying is "spic and span." Spam is lunch meat.
Ziva: Oh. What exactly is span then?
Tony: Span is, uh... I'll get back to you on that.
Tony: The saying is "spic and span." Spam is lunch meat.
Ziva: Oh. What exactly is span then?
Tony: Span is, uh... I'll get back to you on that.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: The boy has remarkable memory. There’s also someone here from Social Security to pick him up.
Gibbs: Services, Ziva. Social Security is for older people.
Ziva: Noted.
Gibbs: Services, Ziva. Social Security is for older people.
Ziva: Noted.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: They owed me a favor.
McGee: How many people owe you a favor?
Ziva: How many dates has Tony in a month?
McGee: How many people owe you a favor?
Ziva: How many dates has Tony in a month?
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Commander Tanner's been gone for forty-seven hours.
Ziva: If he's not dead, he soon will be.
McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?
Ziva: Oh, I can convince her of far more than that.
Gibbs: How long?
Ziva: Not long.
Gibbs: McGee, you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.
Ziva: If he's not dead, he soon will be.
McGee: Maybe we can convince her to change her mind about the lawyer?
Ziva: Oh, I can convince her of far more than that.
Gibbs: How long?
Ziva: Not long.
Gibbs: McGee, you thirsty? Come on, I'll get you a cup of coffee.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Boss, what exactly is Ziva doing in there? [Gibbs just looks at him] I don't want to know. [Gibbs shakes his head] Okay.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Ice? That means...
Ziva: You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke.
Tony: It was a really good one too.
Ziva: You're now going to make a really juvenile cold case joke.
Tony: It was a really good one too.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: [Tony has recovered three guns at the lake] You expecting an "attaboy?"
Tony: I... thought it'd be nice.
Gibbs: [lightly stroking the back of his head] Attaboy.
Tony: I... thought it'd be nice.
Gibbs: [lightly stroking the back of his head] Attaboy.
TV Show: NCIS
[F.B.I. Agents Maya and Yussif were doing surveillance on Tony and Ziva, and are convinced the two actually had sex.]
Maya: We're talking about your agents pretending to be married assassins.
Yussif: Very convincing.
Maya: I don't think anyone in the FBI would actually go all the way just to sell a cover story.
Yussif: [eyeing Maya] I would.
McGee: Guys, they were acting.
Yussif: Trust me. I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.
Maya: It's true. I've met his wife.
Maya: We're talking about your agents pretending to be married assassins.
Yussif: Very convincing.
Maya: I don't think anyone in the FBI would actually go all the way just to sell a cover story.
Yussif: [eyeing Maya] I would.
McGee: Guys, they were acting.
Yussif: Trust me. I know when someone's acting when they're having sex.
Maya: It's true. I've met his wife.
TV Show: NCIS
[Midway through Tony and Ziva's undercover act as married assassins, Abby calls with autopsy results that show the wife was pregnant.]
Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.
Ziva: Don't!
Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father! It's a great responsibility.
Ziva: Maybe it's not yours.
Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva: Oh, she knew.
Tony: Then why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?
Ziva: Maybe we needed the money.
Tony: Kids are expensive...
Ziva: And bullets are cheap. There is a big chance that this meeting is a set-up, Tony.
Tony: Are you scared?
Ziva: No... excited.
Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm trying to picture you pregnant.
Ziva: Don't!
Tony: I have to, I'm gonna be a father! It's a great responsibility.
Ziva: Maybe it's not yours.
Tony: Maybe she didn't know.
Ziva: Oh, she knew.
Tony: Then why take this contract? Put our unborn child in danger?
Ziva: Maybe we needed the money.
Tony: Kids are expensive...
Ziva: And bullets are cheap. There is a big chance that this meeting is a set-up, Tony.
Tony: Are you scared?
Ziva: No... excited.
TV Show: NCIS
[Ziva is snoring incessantly.]
Tony: (mutters) Crazy chick...
Ziva: (sleepily) I heard that, my little Hairy Butt.
Tony: (mutters) Crazy chick...
Ziva: (sleepily) I heard that, my little Hairy Butt.
TV Show: NCIS
[In the privacy of the elevator, Gibbs and Fornell quickly hammer out a cooperation agreement.]
Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
Gibbs: Only because they know us.
Fornell: And people say we're bastards?
Gibbs: Only because they know us.
TV Show: NCIS