NCIS Quotes
[The team tracks their kidnap victim's cell phone to two teens sneaking beer in the woods.]
Ziva: Who's on the phone?
Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
[Ziva takes the phone.]
Ziva: [sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!
Danny's Girlfriend: What?
Ziva: He's gonna have to call you back, bye!
Danny's Girlfriend: Wait a second...!
Ziva: [hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.
Ziva: Who's on the phone?
Danny: Uh, my girlfriend.
[Ziva takes the phone.]
Ziva: [sexy voice] Hi... [giggles] Oh, my God, don't touch me there!
Danny's Girlfriend: What?
Ziva: He's gonna have to call you back, bye!
Danny's Girlfriend: Wait a second...!
Ziva: [hangs up, to Danny] You're busted.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [Trying to identify a sound] Train tracks?
Abby: Yes, that would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack, not even a thock on the track.
Tony: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.
Abby: Yes, that would be the obvious choice, but there isn't a second thunk or a thack, not even a thock on the track.
Tony: You've been reading a lot of Dr. Seuss books?
Abby: You know I love me some Theodore Geisel.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: [about a fist-sized crack in a wall] Sign of an unhappy marriage.
Ziva: Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.
Ziva: Funny, I thought it looked like a hole in the wall.
TV Show: NCIS
[Abby reports finding no gunshot residue on the suspect's clothes.]
Gibbs: He could have worn gloves-
Abby: Or changed his clothes, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That is why I am running a full residual analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe. [as Gibbs] How long, Abby? [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time, and the stuff doesn't smell very good; I don't think that laundry was a big priority... [Gibbs] Abs! [herself] Um, two hours? As soon as I know something, you'll know something. [Gibbs] You got one! Aything else? [herself] Yes, as a matter of fact. This... [hands him a cup of coffee] is for you.
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in Administration have... wandering hands. [as Gibbs] Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you! [as herself] I know you would, Gibbs. And that is why I love you. [Gibbs smiles, kisses Abby on the cheek, and leaves]
Gibbs: He could have worn gloves-
Abby: Or changed his clothes, I'm way ahead of you, Gibbs. That is why I am running a full residual analysis on all of Porter's wardrobe. [as Gibbs] How long, Abby? [as herself] Well it's gonna take some time, and the stuff doesn't smell very good; I don't think that laundry was a big priority... [Gibbs] Abs! [herself] Um, two hours? As soon as I know something, you'll know something. [Gibbs] You got one! Aything else? [herself] Yes, as a matter of fact. This... [hands him a cup of coffee] is for you.
Gibbs: Why?
Abby: For getting me out of sensitivity training. We were about to do trust falls and those guys in Administration have... wandering hands. [as Gibbs] Just give me their names, Abs, and I'll break 'em for you! [as herself] I know you would, Gibbs. And that is why I love you. [Gibbs smiles, kisses Abby on the cheek, and leaves]
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: So tell us Jane Bond, how do we track you down?
Ziva: You don't, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and relocated.
Tony: Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) Boss, you might want to think about this 'cause I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)
Gibbs: No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!
Ziva: You don't, by now I've changed my apperance, replaced my identity with back-up documents, and relocated.
Tony: Promise? (Ziva smirks at him) Okay, so that about wraps it. Who's up for lunch? (Gibbs stands up) Boss, you might want to think about this 'cause I-I'll pay... (Gibbs headslaps him and Tony grimaces)
Gibbs: No one is eating until we find Yoon Dawson!
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Like my father always said: "Be careful who you marry, Anthony, she may end up being a homicidal maniac."
McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Ziva: Probably he knew your taste in women.
McGee: Your father actually said that to you?
Tony: No, but I'm pretty sure he thought it.
Ziva: Probably he knew your taste in women.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: I’ve learned from Gibbs that in certain cases you can attract far more bees with honey…
Tony: Flies.
Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?
Tony: Flies... don’t like... vinegar.
Ziva: Vinegar?
Tony: It’s complicated. Here he comes.
Tony: Flies.
Ziva: What do flies have to do with honey?
Tony: Flies... don’t like... vinegar.
Ziva: Vinegar?
Tony: It’s complicated. Here he comes.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Yeah, Ziva, Tony. What happened back there with the bomb... I want you both to know...
Tony: You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.
Ziva: Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.
Gibbs: I was going to say, if either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Tony: That's our boss.
Tony: You don't have to say it, boss. We know how you feel about us.
Ziva: Gibbs, we're a team. That's what we do.
Gibbs: I was going to say, if either one of you two wingnuts ever disobey a direct order again, I'll kill you myself.
Tony: That's our boss.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: [To DiNozzo] I didn't know your nickname was honeybuns.
Gibbs: Only Naomi and I call him that!
Gibbs: Only Naomi and I call him that!
TV Show: NCIS
Jen: [To Tony, after she gave Ziva information on the case] Something wrong?
Tony: Oh, just wondering if Gibbs knows who Ziva's secret contact is.
Jen: We had a saying in Europe: "Whatever Gibbs doesn't know..."
Tony: "...can't hurt him".
Jen: No. "Can't hurt us".
Tony: Oh, just wondering if Gibbs knows who Ziva's secret contact is.
Jen: We had a saying in Europe: "Whatever Gibbs doesn't know..."
Tony: "...can't hurt him".
Jen: No. "Can't hurt us".
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: My contact went through, Gibbs. The client Jeanne Oliver was protecting was...
Gibbs: Jeanne Oliver.
Ziva: Tony and McGee are picking her up.
Gibbs: Not bad, Officer David.
Ziva: Well, I do what I can.
Gibbs: When you see the director, thank her for me.
Gibbs: Jeanne Oliver.
Ziva: Tony and McGee are picking her up.
Gibbs: Not bad, Officer David.
Ziva: Well, I do what I can.
Gibbs: When you see the director, thank her for me.
TV Show: NCIS
Jen: [Looking through two-way mirror at Jeanne Oliver sitting in the interrogation room] Do you think it would be inappropriate if, as director, I went in there and smacked that smile off her face?
Gibbs: Yeah, it would, but that's what you have me for.
Gibbs: Yeah, it would, but that's what you have me for.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: What are you doing?
Tony: I'm in the middle of a very serious negotiation.
Ziva: On McGee's computer?
Tony: I know where you're going with this, and the answer is yes.
Ziva: And what's the question?
Tony: Have I no shame?
Tony: I'm in the middle of a very serious negotiation.
Ziva: On McGee's computer?
Tony: I know where you're going with this, and the answer is yes.
Ziva: And what's the question?
Tony: Have I no shame?
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: She asked you out? You?!
McGee: Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.
Tony: Trust me, you're not.
McGee: Trust me, I'm just as surprised as you are.
Tony: Trust me, you're not.
TV Show: NCIS
[Gibbs hits the back of Ziva's head]
Ziva: Ow! What was that for?!
Gibbs: Alerting DiNozzo.
[Ziva throws a notepad at a smiling Tony]
Ziva: Ow! What was that for?!
Gibbs: Alerting DiNozzo.
[Ziva throws a notepad at a smiling Tony]
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: You know how I feel about coincidences, Abs.
Abby: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.
Abby: Equatorial pygmies know how you feel about coincidences, Gibbs.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: [After listening to Abby describe a very complicated sequence of events that led to an explosion] Not an accident.
Abby: Not unless the angel of death is going through a Rube Goldberg stage.
Abby: Not unless the angel of death is going through a Rube Goldberg stage.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: That wasn't the way it looked, boss.
Gibbs: I know. I know.
Tony: The director kinda suckered me into that deal.
Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Ziva: I didn't cave in! I was trying --
Gibbs: McGee next.
McGee: It wasn't --
Gibbs: And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.
Tony: Well I --
Gibbs: Probably all of 30 seconds.
Gibbs: I know. I know.
Tony: The director kinda suckered me into that deal.
Gibbs: Ziva caved first.
Ziva: I didn't cave in! I was trying --
Gibbs: McGee next.
McGee: It wasn't --
Gibbs: And my loyal St. Bernard held out until last.
Tony: Well I --
Gibbs: Probably all of 30 seconds.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: We can't find him. But we're not going to give up until we do!
McGee: Or die trying!
Tony: Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?
McGee: Or die trying!
Tony: Or die trying?! You had to put that in his head?
TV Show: NCIS
[Ziva and Tony are watching probie agents attending an autopsy.]
Ziva: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.
Tony: How do you fail an autopsy?
[One of the probies vomits.]
Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Gibbs: [Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.
Ziva: We had this same test at Mossad. If you fail, they terminate you.
Tony: How do you fail an autopsy?
[One of the probies vomits.]
Ziva: By doing that. What happens if you fail here?
Gibbs: [Walking in] Well, it depends, Officer David. Some of them go on to become our Director.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: According to Petty Officer Riley's C.O. he's been on leave the last six days.
Tony: Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a bear's digestive tract.
McGee: Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.
Tony: Nice vacation, little camping, knife to the heart, little trip inside a bear's digestive tract.
McGee: Yeah I'd fire my travel agent.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Little square, Little square, Where have you been, Stuck on the behind of Riley's missing girlfriend.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Oh hey, I was just about to call Tony and McGee -- I think they were having sex.
Ziva: [Incredulously] Tony and McGee?
Ziva: [Incredulously] Tony and McGee?
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [Upon seeing the name of the park's general store] Jackrabbit Slim's?
Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?
Tony: [pauses, giving her an odd look] You don't know how to say 'porcupine', but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?
Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.
Ziva: Just like the diner in Pulp Fiction?
Tony: [pauses, giving her an odd look] You don't know how to say 'porcupine', but you know the diner from Pulp Fiction?
Ziva: Believe it or not, we actually have movie theaters in my country.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Do you mind if I grab a bat nap?
Female Park Ranger: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.
Female Park Ranger: No, just, um, hang from the rafters.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Slam dunk. We're going out next weekend. Yeah!
Ziva: That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don’t want him to think I’m sleazy.
Tony: That term is "easy."
Ziva: What's the difference?
Tony: Mostly the makeup.
Ziva: That's not bad, Tony. Landis asked me out tonight. I said 'no'. I don’t want him to think I’m sleazy.
Tony: That term is "easy."
Ziva: What's the difference?
Tony: Mostly the makeup.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: [Leaving for search for the killer in the forest] Ziva, you stay here with Ranger Hendricks.
Ziva: Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited --
Gibbs: We're taking him alive. Let's roll. [He's leaving with others, Ziva and Ranger Hendricks stay]
Ranger Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you 'cause you're female.
Ziva: He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'd kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.
Ziva: Gibbs, I think I'd be better suited --
Gibbs: We're taking him alive. Let's roll. [He's leaving with others, Ziva and Ranger Hendricks stay]
Ranger Hendricks: I hate it when men try to protect you 'cause you're female.
Ziva: He's not trying to protect me. He's afraid I'd kill Rowan before he tells us where the girl is.
TV Show: NCIS