NCIS Quotes
Abby (drunk in Gibbs' basement): You know; I never understand why people drink alcohol when they're depressed - because alcohol is a depressant. So now; I'm still depressed; and I'm nauseus...and I'm really drunk. Which means that tomorrow, I'm going to have to fight off a hangover while I'm in court, and some ambulance-chasing attorney tries to attack my credibility.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: You know what that means?
Tony: The director's taking over the investigation.
Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.
Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.
Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)
Tony: The director's taking over the investigation.
Ziva: Probably, but I was thinking if Gibbs doesn't remember the last 15 years, he'll be a probie.
Tony: Gibbs would never let her take over.
Ziva: Not the old Gibbs... "Probie Gibbs"?? (Tony jumps up, running after Director Shepard)
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: ...Because I think that this - might all be my fault...
Gibbs: Maybe it is.
Abby: How can you say that, Gibbs? Just because some - some defective lunatic can't get it into his head that I think he is a defective...lunatic... That is not my fault. It's not my fault at all... It's not my fault. [realizing it really isn't her fault] it's not my fault. Huh. [picks up a hammer and chisel] I see why you like to work on the boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. [puts the tools on the boat and breaks off a chunk] Oops. [gives Gibbs back his tools]
Gibbs: Maybe it is.
Abby: How can you say that, Gibbs? Just because some - some defective lunatic can't get it into his head that I think he is a defective...lunatic... That is not my fault. It's not my fault at all... It's not my fault. [realizing it really isn't her fault] it's not my fault. Huh. [picks up a hammer and chisel] I see why you like to work on the boat, Gibbs. Very, very cathartic. [puts the tools on the boat and breaks off a chunk] Oops. [gives Gibbs back his tools]
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony & Gibbs have just found Abby, (who is in a very "Wonder Woman" pose) repeatedly shocking the hitman with her stun gun]
Abby: I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!
Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.
Abby: I'll be with you in a minute, Gibbs. [continues shocking the man] And don't look up my skirt!
Gibbs: [laughing, nods in approval] Okay.
TV Show: NCIS
Michael: I love her you know. I-I love her. You don't get it, do you? Huh? She wants everyone to believe she doesn't love me. Hell, I think even she believes it sometimes. [turns to the mirrored window between the interrogation room and the viewing room] Tell me what, how come, if you don't care about me, you can't take your eyes off of me right now. Huh? You can lie to the rest of the world, but you can't lie to your heart. Can you, Abby?
Gibbs leaves and turns out the lights in the interrogation room, revealing that there is no one on the other side of the window.
Michael: No, no, no, no...Abby? Abby! Abby! Look, I know you're in there! Abby!
Walking down the hall away from the room, Gibbs smiles.
Gibbs leaves and turns out the lights in the interrogation room, revealing that there is no one on the other side of the window.
Michael: No, no, no, no...Abby? Abby! Abby! Look, I know you're in there! Abby!
Walking down the hall away from the room, Gibbs smiles.
TV Show: NCIS
[Abby has come up to the squad room to take pictures of the dead man.]
Abby: Why do I feel like everyone's staring at me?
McGee: Because they are.
Abby: Did I do something wrong?
Tony: Have you ever been to Disneyland, Abby?
Abby: Every summer.
Tony: Yeah. You know those camera toting tourists with white socks up to their knees wearing fannypacks?
Abby: Well, yeah. We spend half the time laughing about [Abby looks down- she is wearing white knee length socks and a plaid skirt and has a camera around her neck]-- oh, my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.
Abby: Why do I feel like everyone's staring at me?
McGee: Because they are.
Abby: Did I do something wrong?
Tony: Have you ever been to Disneyland, Abby?
Abby: Every summer.
Tony: Yeah. You know those camera toting tourists with white socks up to their knees wearing fannypacks?
Abby: Well, yeah. We spend half the time laughing about [Abby looks down- she is wearing white knee length socks and a plaid skirt and has a camera around her neck]-- oh, my God. I've turned into my Uncle Larry.
TV Show: NCIS
Ducky: My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."
TV Show: NCIS
Palmer: Yeah, most people don't know this, but financial disputes, second-leading cause of divorce.
Ducky: Really? What's number one?
Gibbs: Marriage.
Ducky: Really? What's number one?
Gibbs: Marriage.
TV Show: NCIS
[The team is sitting in a car parked at the docks, watching a freighter]
Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects"...
Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."
Tony: This is so "Usual Suspects"...
Ziva: Tony, your dying words would be, "I've seen this film."
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: I'm confused.
McGee: So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.
Tony: The Sound of Music confuses you, Probie.
Ziva: I love that movie!
[She opens her mouth to sing, Tony claps a hand over her mouth.]
Tony: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's A Small World" for twenty-four hours straight. Do we understand each other?
Ziva: [muffled] Mmm-hmm.
McGee: So am I, and I saw the DVD twice.
Tony: The Sound of Music confuses you, Probie.
Ziva: I love that movie!
[She opens her mouth to sing, Tony claps a hand over her mouth.]
Tony: One note, and I will lock you in a room and make you listen to "It's A Small World" for twenty-four hours straight. Do we understand each other?
Ziva: [muffled] Mmm-hmm.
TV Show: NCIS
[Interrogating a ship's captain, Ziva plucks away his cigar.]
Captain: [in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...
Ziva: [in Turkish] How would you like this bitch to apply that cigar to your testicles?
Captain: [in Turkish, under his breath] Bitch...
Ziva: [in Turkish] How would you like this bitch to apply that cigar to your testicles?
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Ducky, drip it!
Ducky: Do you mean: Drop it or Zip it?
Ziva: Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.
Ducky: Well, actually... never mind.
Ducky: Do you mean: Drop it or Zip it?
Ziva: Ah, American idioms drive me up the hall.
Ducky: Well, actually... never mind.
TV Show: NCIS
[McGee doesn't want to go into the room where the explosion happened, and Tony gives him a job to do outside]
McGee: [as he's leaving] On it, boss!
Tony: [smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.
Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?
Tony: I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.
McGee: [as he's leaving] On it, boss!
Tony: [smiles] I do love it when he calls me boss.
Ziva: Is that why you're being nice to him?
Tony: I'm not being nice. Lugging foot lockers is probie work. [Ziva gives him a knowing look] ...All right, I cut the probie some slack.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: What are you not telling me?
McGee: What do you mean?
Abby: You have that three-little-pigs-look.
McGee: What?
Abby: The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.
McGee: I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)
Abby: Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)
Ziva: I should be a professional photographer!
Abby: The Director hasn't called.
Ziva: About?
Abby: About?! Gibbs!
Ziva: Oh...
Abby: She didn't call you, did she?
Ziva: No.
Abby: Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell.
McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?
Ziva: No music.
McGee: That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...
Abby: What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?
Ziva: Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.
Abby: What if they were?!
Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.
(Abby slaps her on the face, Ziva slaps her back, Abby slaps her again and so does Ziva. McGee looks shocked).
McGee: What do you mean?
Abby: You have that three-little-pigs-look.
McGee: What?
Abby: The three little pigs. They were afraid to open the door because the big bad wolf was outside.
McGee: I don't know what are you talking about. (Something rings...)
Abby: Wow... this is definitely going on my wall. (Ziva walks in)
Ziva: I should be a professional photographer!
Abby: The Director hasn't called.
Ziva: About?
Abby: About?! Gibbs!
Ziva: Oh...
Abby: She didn't call you, did she?
Ziva: No.
Abby: Because, you know, the way you're acting, you might have just, I don't know, forgotten to tell.
McGee: Ziva, do you notice anything different in here?
Ziva: No music.
McGee: That's it! No music. (He looks at Abby) You know, you usually play music in here...
Abby: What if those were Gibbs' guts smooshed all over that room?
Ziva: Oh, for God's sake, Abby, they're not.
Abby: What if they were?!
Ziva: The color would be more coffee-brown than red.
(Abby slaps her on the face, Ziva slaps her back, Abby slaps her again and so does Ziva. McGee looks shocked).
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Abby! Front and center. You too, Ziva. Let's go! I know what happened.
[Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time.]
Tony: Hey! If there's going to be any bitch slapping on this team, I'll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake.
[Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands]
Tony: There we go. That wasn't so tough, was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on.
[They hug.]
Tony: Now a deep tongue kiss.
[Both women hit Tony.]
Tony: Now we feel better.
[Abby and Ziva start talking at the same time.]
Tony: Hey! If there's going to be any bitch slapping on this team, I'll do it. Clear? Good. Now shake hands. Shake.
[Abby and Ziva reluctantly shake hands]
Tony: There we go. That wasn't so tough, was it? Now how about a little hug? Big buddy hug. Come on.
[They hug.]
Tony: Now a deep tongue kiss.
[Both women hit Tony.]
Tony: Now we feel better.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Shouldn't he be awake by now?
Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?
Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.
Jenny: That's what it looks like he's doing now.
Tony: Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?
Jenny: If it isn't a nightmare.
Jenny: You know Gibbs. He keeps his own schedule. Do you know what REM is?
Tony: Sure. Rapid Eye Movement. It happens when you're asleep and dreaming.
Jenny: That's what it looks like he's doing now.
Tony: Oh well, that's gotta be a good sign right?
Jenny: If it isn't a nightmare.
TV Show: NCIS
Ducky: (to Palmer) My father used to say "You must live for today; because yesterday is gone, and tomorrow may never come."
TV Show: NCIS
(Ziva remembers the idiom from 3.08)
Ziva: Oh! Listen to the pot call the kettle black. Got that right, didn’t I?
Tony: No.
(McGee gives her a thumbs-up)
Ziva: Yes!
Ziva: Oh! Listen to the pot call the kettle black. Got that right, didn’t I?
Tony: No.
(McGee gives her a thumbs-up)
Ziva: Yes!
TV Show: NCIS
(Ziva and Gibbs are talking in hospital room.)
Gibbs: We work together?
Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.
Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...
Ziva: It's been a year.
Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that...
Ziva: Ducky 10 years and you don't remember him!
Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...
Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.
Gibbs: We work together?
Ziva: Yes. I'm a Mossad officer attached to your team.
Gibbs: Mossad? When did they start doing that...
Ziva: It's been a year.
Gibbs: Don't feel bad, I worked for that...
Ziva: Ducky 10 years and you don't remember him!
Gibbs: Do you always finish people sentenc...
Ziva: Only when I'm in a hurry.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: [to the Secretary of Defense, who is on the big screen in MTAC] Is everyone up there as stupid as you?!
TV Show: NCIS
[Ziva has gone to see Gibbs in the hospital. She walks in and he is asleep. When she walks over he grabs her arm and gets out of the bed. She starts telling him about some of the things he doesn't remember. She ends up telling him about Ari and Kate.]
Ziva: Ari...... Ari killed Kate! And I...... I killed Ari! [she starts crying]
Gibbs: Your brother? You killed your brother to save me?
Ziva: [crying] Yes.
[Gibbs glares at her, frustrated]
Ziva: See? That's it!
Gibbs: That's what?!
Ziva: The old Gibbs stare!
[Gibbs continues to look frustrated. Ziva grabs his hand and uses it to head-slap herself]
[Gibbs hugs her as his memory returns and she cries]
Ziva: Ari...... Ari killed Kate! And I...... I killed Ari! [she starts crying]
Gibbs: Your brother? You killed your brother to save me?
Ziva: [crying] Yes.
[Gibbs glares at her, frustrated]
Ziva: See? That's it!
Gibbs: That's what?!
Ziva: The old Gibbs stare!
[Gibbs continues to look frustrated. Ziva grabs his hand and uses it to head-slap herself]
[Gibbs hugs her as his memory returns and she cries]
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: [gets his gun and badge back from Tony, gives him a long look] You'll do.
[Gibbs puts his gun and badge in Tony's hands, and squeezes his shoulder]
Gibbs: It's your team now. [turns to McGee] You're a good agent, Tim. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
McGee: I won't, boss.
Abby: Gibbs... [Gibbs puts his finger over Abby's lips and kisses her on the cheek]
Gibbs: [walks back to Ziva] I owe you, Ziva.
Ziva: I'll collect, Jethro.
[Gibbs puts his gun and badge in Tony's hands, and squeezes his shoulder]
Gibbs: It's your team now. [turns to McGee] You're a good agent, Tim. Don't let him tell you otherwise.
McGee: I won't, boss.
Abby: Gibbs... [Gibbs puts his finger over Abby's lips and kisses her on the cheek]
Gibbs: [walks back to Ziva] I owe you, Ziva.
Ziva: I'll collect, Jethro.
TV Show: NCIS
(Gibbs starts to leave, then turns back for one last look at his team.)
Gibbs: Semper Fi.
Gibbs: Semper Fi.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: He'll only talk if I can...
Tony: No torture.
Ziva: There's no other way.
Tony: Find one.
Ziva: Okay, but you're tying my feet.
Tony: Hands.
Ziva: Those, too.
Tony: No torture.
Ziva: There's no other way.
Tony: Find one.
Ziva: Okay, but you're tying my feet.
Tony: Hands.
Ziva: Those, too.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: There is only one thing you need to know about Officer David.
Lee: Don't make her mad.
Tony: So, technically, really, there are two things. And the other one is, she can take care of herself.
Lee: Don't make her mad.
Tony: So, technically, really, there are two things. And the other one is, she can take care of herself.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Who was that?
Abby: Where?
Tony: On the phone.
Abby: Oh, um, it was the nuns.
McGee: Nuns?
Abby: Yeah, y’know, nuns with the big white hats and the --
McGee: Habits. Yeah, they’re called habits, the white hats.
Abby: Yep, that’s right. They called… to say that bowling was canceled.
McGee: [amused] Bowling nuns.
Abby: Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?
Abby: Where?
Tony: On the phone.
Abby: Oh, um, it was the nuns.
McGee: Nuns?
Abby: Yeah, y’know, nuns with the big white hats and the --
McGee: Habits. Yeah, they’re called habits, the white hats.
Abby: Yep, that’s right. They called… to say that bowling was canceled.
McGee: [amused] Bowling nuns.
Abby: Geez, McGee, what are you on some kind of anti-nun crusade here?
TV Show: NCIS