NCIS Quotes
Tony: Ziva! Hey! What the hell are you doing?
Ziva: I can disarm it.
Tony: Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.
Ziva: If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.
Tony: Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva![running after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!
Ziva: Then why are you following me, Tony?
Tony: I don't frickin' know!
Ziva: I can disarm it.
Tony: Okay... Well, great. Let's go outside and talk about this.
Ziva: If it detonates before EOD gets here, we'll lose evidence.
Tony: Well, what a bummer! That would be a real shame. Ziva! Ziva![running after her] This has to be the stupidest thing any human being has ever done!
Ziva: Then why are you following me, Tony?
Tony: I don't frickin' know!
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [watching as Ziva disarms a bomb] I can see down your shirt right now.
Ziva: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.
Tony: What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.
Ziva: I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.
Tony: Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.
Ziva: See anything good?
Tony: Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying -- [winces as Ziva cuts a wire] -- over.
Ziva: Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.
Tony: What if I said it was?
Ziva: Now you'll never know.
Ziva: I don't think your new girlfriend would like that.
Tony: What are you talking about? I don't know what you're talking about.
Ziva: I'm talking about you, and the fact that you no longer stare at every woman when they pass you by.
Tony: Well, I'm looking down your shirt right now.
Ziva: See anything good?
Tony: Yeah. Real good, but I'm not entirely sure it's worth dying -- [winces as Ziva cuts a wire] -- over.
Ziva: Not worth dying over. [zips up her jacket] I'll remember that.
Tony: What if I said it was?
Ziva: Now you'll never know.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Looks like this guy's a couple puppies short of a pet shop!
Ziva: Most suicide bombers are.
Ziva: Most suicide bombers are.
TV Show: NCIS
Marty: You don't have an unhealthy obsession with death now, do you?
Abby: Oh no! It's just a hobby!
Abby: Oh no! It's just a hobby!
TV Show: NCIS
Jeanne: I know something else we could do to stay warm.
Tony: Really? I wonder what that could be? Coffee?
Jeanne: Dancing!
Tony: Really? I wonder what that could be? Coffee?
Jeanne: Dancing!
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: That was quick.
Gibbs: You solved this case? Already, DiNozzo?
Tony: No. It's my hundredth body. Hey, listen. [handing Gibbs the camera] You wouldn't mind taking a...? Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.
Ziva: Compared to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.
Gibbs: You solved this case? Already, DiNozzo?
Tony: No. It's my hundredth body. Hey, listen. [handing Gibbs the camera] You wouldn't mind taking a...? Sorry. It's a bad idea. It seemed less disgusting in my head.
Ziva: Compared to what else is in there, I'm sure it was.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Ah, there you are, Jen. I've been looking all over for you.
Jen: I thought since we were short on agents, Abby could use some help.
Gibbs: The only reason we are short on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.
Jen: Well, there's no sense getting us all sick...
Abby: [as Gibbs] Next time you send one of my team home you clear it with me first, Director! [as Jen] Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to handle my own personnel, Agent Gibbs! [as Gibbs]Your personnel?! [as Jen] Last time I checked, it said "Director" on my door, not yours! [to both of them] The kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight.
Jen: I thought since we were short on agents, Abby could use some help.
Gibbs: The only reason we are short on agents is because you sent DiNozzo home.
Jen: Well, there's no sense getting us all sick...
Abby: [as Gibbs] Next time you send one of my team home you clear it with me first, Director! [as Jen] Oh, I didn't know I needed your permission to handle my own personnel, Agent Gibbs! [as Gibbs]Your personnel?! [as Jen] Last time I checked, it said "Director" on my door, not yours! [to both of them] The kids don't like it when mommy and daddy fight.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [seeing McGee in the elevator waiting for Gibbs] And here I thought being sent to the principal's office was bad.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: [about floor mat in taxi] I thought it smelled like Niozoprine.
Tony: Niozoprine? [smells it and gags]
Gibbs: Industrial strength vomit cleaner.
Tony: Niozoprine? [smells it and gags]
Gibbs: Industrial strength vomit cleaner.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Do you know what a "clog" is?
Ziva: A shoe or a blocked drain?
Gibbs: No, on the Internet.
Ziva: Oh, I thought it was called a "blog," but then again my English is often wrong.
Ziva: A shoe or a blocked drain?
Gibbs: No, on the Internet.
Ziva: Oh, I thought it was called a "blog," but then again my English is often wrong.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [to Jeanne after discussing their relationship] If you always do what you've always done, then you'll always get what you always got. And while what I got had its perks, I'm looking for something different now.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [to Ziva] You know, McGee is really starting to nail your essence, here; '[in a low voice from McGee's book] Stakeouts. Long, endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee, but tonight Mossad Officer Lisa didn't seem to mind, because she was getting to spend it with Agent Tom... You're behind me again, aren't you?
Ziva: Lucky guess. [Tony grunts] You know, I think McGee is right.
Tony: He was, was he.
Ziva: It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just... give in, yes?
Tony: And by "give in", you mean...
Ziva: Letting loose! Doing what comes naturally to me.
Tony: Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Ziva: You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.
Tony: Mhhm. Really?
Ziva: But my father would not approve.
Tony: Because I'm not Jewish?
Ziva: [laughing] Because gets very angry when I kill a co-worker.
Tony: Ha! Like I believed you for even a second.
Ziva: I'm sure you didn't.
Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass?
Ziva: Oh, he started it!
Gibbs: I'm ending it.
Ziva: Lucky guess. [Tony grunts] You know, I think McGee is right.
Tony: He was, was he.
Ziva: It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just... give in, yes?
Tony: And by "give in", you mean...
Ziva: Letting loose! Doing what comes naturally to me.
Tony: Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Ziva: You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.
Tony: Mhhm. Really?
Ziva: But my father would not approve.
Tony: Because I'm not Jewish?
Ziva: [laughing] Because gets very angry when I kill a co-worker.
Tony: Ha! Like I believed you for even a second.
Ziva: I'm sure you didn't.
Gibbs: You two done playing grab-ass?
Ziva: Oh, he started it!
Gibbs: I'm ending it.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Abby, they hate me.
Abby: They don't hate you, McGee.
McGee: Ziva tried to kill me yesterday.
Abby: Well, you did base all of the characters in your book on us, and you didn't ask our permission.
McGee: Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!
Abby: You described everything in my bedroom.
McGee: Not everything. Do you still have those...?
[Abby's computer beeps.]
Abby: Ah-ah. Fantasize later, Hemingway.
Abby: They don't hate you, McGee.
McGee: Ziva tried to kill me yesterday.
Abby: Well, you did base all of the characters in your book on us, and you didn't ask our permission.
McGee: Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!
Abby: You described everything in my bedroom.
McGee: Not everything. Do you still have those...?
[Abby's computer beeps.]
Abby: Ah-ah. Fantasize later, Hemingway.
TV Show: NCIS
Shepard: Before you go, Fornell, there is one thing...
Gibbs: Come with me Tobias, I want to show you something.
Fornell: You've got that moustache in a box, don't you?
Gibbs: Come with me Tobias, I want to show you something.
Fornell: You've got that moustache in a box, don't you?
TV Show: NCIS
Woman: From the video presentation it's clear that sexual harassment can take many forms in the workplace. A coworker with elevator eyes looking you up and down, a coworker shows you a cartoon or photo of a sexual nature.
Tony: If you're lucky.
Woman: A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.
Ziva: If you're really lucky.
Woman: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...
[Abby raises her hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Woman: You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.
Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?!
[everyone mutters no]
Abby: [happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.
Woman: DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.
Abby: Like, every time?
Woman: Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.
Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear and neck, causing him to stand up in suprise.]
Woman: Another question?
Tony: Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?
Woman: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
[Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs shares a look with Tony.]
Tony: ...No. Just wondering, that's all.
[Palmer raises his hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Palmer: What if your job in
Tony: If you're lucky.
Woman: A coworker's hand accidentally brushes up against your body.
Ziva: If you're really lucky.
Woman: Physical contact can be divided into three categories. Green light includes normal behavior. Yellow light includes borderline behavior such as hugging someone...
[Abby raises her hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Abby: What's wrong with hugging people? I hug people all the time.
Woman: You may see it as friendly, but your coworkers may find it offensive.
Abby: You guys get offended when I hug you?!
[everyone mutters no]
Abby: [happily] I am hugging you all in my mind right now.
Woman: DOD policy is very clear about this point, miss. You must first ask permission before making physical contact with a coworker.
Abby: Like, every time?
Woman: Yes. Finally there's red light behavior such as deliberate unwelcome touching.
Ziva leans forward and licks Tony's ear and neck, causing him to stand up in suprise.]
Woman: Another question?
Tony: Uh, yeah. If you slap someone on the back of the head like this... [slaps McGee's head, McGee slaps back] would that be considered inappropriate behavior?
Woman: Absolutely. Are you saying that this has actually happened?
[Jenny looks at Gibbs. Gibbs shares a look with Tony.]
Tony: ...No. Just wondering, that's all.
[Palmer raises his hand.]
Woman: Yes?
Palmer: What if your job in
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: I found it, Abby. I found how they got in.
Abby: How'd you know I was here?
McGee: Oh, uh, I, uh... didn't. Look, Abby, I'm really sor--
Abby: I know. [pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him]
McGee: I though you were supposed to ask first.
Abby: Never with you, Tim.
[McGee puts his hand over hers.]
Abby: How'd you know I was here?
McGee: Oh, uh, I, uh... didn't. Look, Abby, I'm really sor--
Abby: I know. [pauses, then comes up behind McGee and hugs him]
McGee: I though you were supposed to ask first.
Abby: Never with you, Tim.
[McGee puts his hand over hers.]
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: [holds up the memory chip from a digital camera] Essentially, all we have to do is find something the size of this, inside a Humvee packed with $22 million worth of electronics?
McGee: Pretty much.
Gibbs: [drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.
Abby: That is an excellent point.
McGee: Pretty much.
Gibbs: [drops the chip in Abby's pocket] We're screwed.
Abby: That is an excellent point.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Did you hear that, Tony? McGee just said he's not secretive!
Tony: Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Got it published.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Anything else?
Ziva: Bought a Porsche.
Tony: Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior here, Probie?
McGee: Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't sneaky, it was just...
Ziva: Deceptive.
Tony: Sneaky.
McGee: Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.
Tony: True.
Ziva: True.
Tony: Hm, let's see. Wrote a novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Got it published.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Made substantial amounts of money from said novel.
Ziva: Didn't tell us.
Tony: Anything else?
Ziva: Bought a Porsche.
Tony: Didn't tell us. Can you see how people might begin to see a pattern of secretive behavior here, Probie?
McGee: Okay look, I might have been hiding stuff, but it wasn't sneaky, it was just...
Ziva: Deceptive.
Tony: Sneaky.
McGee: Self-preservation. If I told you guys I was writing a novel, you would have laughed at me.
Tony: True.
Ziva: True.
TV Show: NCIS
Tariq: You're a Jew.
Ziva: Yes.
Tariq: Israeli? Mossad, then.
Ziva: I'm working with NCIS.
Tariq: So, yes. So now I'm as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?
Ziva: At least in our lifetime.
[Deputy Tyler Barrett walks in.]
Tyler: Oh, cozy.
Ziva: Can I help you?
Tyler: [to Tariq] You know, couple of more inches to your right and our "martyr" here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins. (chuckles) You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow yourself up just to get lucky.
[Ziva twists his arm behind his back, hard.]
Tyler: OW!
Ziva: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.
Tyler: (quietly) Sorry. (she twists harder) AH!
Ziva: I don't think he heard you.
Tyler: I'm sorry!
Tariq: Apology accepted.
Gibbs: (walking in) There a problem?
Ziva: I was telling the deputy here where the bathroom was.
Ziva: Yes.
Tariq: Israeli? Mossad, then.
Ziva: I'm working with NCIS.
Tariq: So, yes. So now I'm as suspicious of you as you are of me. Is it always going to be this way?
Ziva: At least in our lifetime.
[Deputy Tyler Barrett walks in.]
Tyler: Oh, cozy.
Ziva: Can I help you?
Tyler: [to Tariq] You know, couple of more inches to your right and our "martyr" here could've been living it up with all those vestal virgins. (chuckles) You know, it truly is a screwed-up religion where you got to blow yourself up just to get lucky.
[Ziva twists his arm behind his back, hard.]
Tyler: OW!
Ziva: When you insult his religion, you insult mine and your own. Tell him you're sorry.
Tyler: (quietly) Sorry. (she twists harder) AH!
Ziva: I don't think he heard you.
Tyler: I'm sorry!
Tariq: Apology accepted.
Gibbs: (walking in) There a problem?
Ziva: I was telling the deputy here where the bathroom was.
TV Show: NCIS
[Gibbs and Mann kiss in her bedroom.]
Lt. Col. Mann: Before we do this, I just need to know one thing. How did you get the damn boat out of your basement?
Lt. Col. Mann: Before we do this, I just need to know one thing. How did you get the damn boat out of your basement?
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: That's Ares?
Tony: According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!
Ziva: I have great peripheral vision.
Tony: My sphincter doesn't.
Ziva: At least we won't have trouble finding it.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: Tony, it's the size of an ATM!
Tony: According to McGeek. Ziva watch the road!
Ziva: I have great peripheral vision.
Tony: My sphincter doesn't.
Ziva: At least we won't have trouble finding it.
Tony: Really?
Ziva: Tony, it's the size of an ATM!
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Will you tell me her name if I find the pirate’s copy of ARES?
Tony: Pirated copy.
Ziva: That’s what I said.
Tony: No, you said pirate’s copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...
Ziva: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?
Tony: Johnny Depp.
Ziva: He’s a pirate?
Tony: No, he’s an actor.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: How did we get here?
Ziva: I drove.
Tony: Pirated copy.
Ziva: That’s what I said.
Tony: No, you said pirate’s copy. A pirate is a person like 'Captain Jack Sparrow'. A pirated copy...
Ziva: Who is 'Jack Sparrow'?
Tony: Johnny Depp.
Ziva: He’s a pirate?
Tony: No, he’s an actor.
Ziva: Oh.
Tony: How did we get here?
Ziva: I drove.
TV Show: NCIS