NCIS Quotes
Ducky: [On a person who died climbing stairs] Rigorous for some. Rigor mortis for him.
TV Show: NCIS
[Ziva is teaching knife throwing. Tony off to the side is eating Froot Loops and smirking]
Ziva: At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any questions pertaining to this class?
Tony: I've got one. You ever killed anyone with a spoon?
Ziva: No, but I am seriously considering it.
Ziva: At Mossad we have a saying: Knives don't run out of bullets. Now, any questions pertaining to this class?
Tony: I've got one. You ever killed anyone with a spoon?
Ziva: No, but I am seriously considering it.
TV Show: NCIS
[Lee draws back her hand to throw a knife. It flies out of her hand and hits the wall behind them, narrowly missing Gibbs as he enters.]
Ziva: I thought you said you grew up around weapons?
Lee: I did. I didn't say my father let me near them.
Ziva: I thought you said you grew up around weapons?
Lee: I did. I didn't say my father let me near them.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: McGee, you find any more maggots crawling around you bag them for evidence.
McGee: Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.
Ziva: You're afraid of bugs, McGee?
McGee: Bugs, no. Wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.
Ziva: Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.
McGee: How'd you get over it?
Ziva: I've found that if you are hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.
McGee: Ziva, I would give you a hundred dollars to trade with me.
Ziva: You're afraid of bugs, McGee?
McGee: Bugs, no. Wriggling faceless blob creatures crawling inside human flesh, yes.
Ziva: Believe it or not I used to feel the same way.
McGee: How'd you get over it?
Ziva: I've found that if you are hungry enough they actually don't taste that bad.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: I hereby accept your challenge. We will meet on the field at dawn. Weapons: Caffeine fueled intellect versus cold silicon based intelligence. Until then I bid you a good day sir. (turn around to see Ziva and McGee behind her who are trying not to laugh) Hi.
Ziva: Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?
Abby: Ya, sometimes. Why?
McGee: You challenged it to a duel.
Abby: Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.
McGee: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?
Abby: When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here! Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.
McGee: Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.
Abby: Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.
Gibbs: (walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.
Ziva: Hi. you talk to your Mass Spectrometer?
Abby: Ya, sometimes. Why?
McGee: You challenged it to a duel.
Abby: Well it spit out a chemical composition that I'm not familiar with. There has to be some sense of decorum around here. I'm running it through the computer now.
McGee: Well, Gibbs is more interested in this. (holds up a pink, laminated card) Did you find anything yet?
Abby: When, McGee. If you haven't noticed, I'm the only one here! Which may be why I started talking to my machines in the first place.
McGee: Well, Abbs, I've got to tell him something.
Abby: Tell him you love him, McGee. It works for me.
Gibbs: (walks in with a Caf-Pow) Not all the time.
TV Show: NCIS
(Tony, Ziva, and Carson watching Gibb's interrogation)
Tony: It’s almost unfair interrogating junkies.
Ziva: It’s like shooting fish in a pond.
Carson: I um… I think you mean a barrel.
Ziva: Why would a fish be in a barrel?
Carson: Um... I, um... it’s a good point. I never really thought about it before.
Ziva: Mm-hmm.
Tony: It’s almost unfair interrogating junkies.
Ziva: It’s like shooting fish in a pond.
Carson: I um… I think you mean a barrel.
Ziva: Why would a fish be in a barrel?
Carson: Um... I, um... it’s a good point. I never really thought about it before.
Ziva: Mm-hmm.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Where are WE going?
Tony: We're not going anywhere.
Ziva: Who are you taking, McGee?
Tony: We're not going anywhere.
Ziva: Who are you taking, McGee?
TV Show: NCIS
Roy: Lieutenant Roy Sanders, Sir. I need you to investigate a murder.
Gibbs: Whose?
Roy: [pulls out a clump of his own hair] Mine.
Gibbs: Whose?
Roy: [pulls out a clump of his own hair] Mine.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: This is killing me. I feel like I know him.
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Internet dating?
Ziva: I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip!
Tony: Mossad?
Ziva: Maybe.
Tony: Internet dating?
Ziva: I will kill you eighteen different ways with this paperclip!
TV Show: NCIS
Roy: Table's cold.
Ducky: None of my other patients ever complained.
Roy: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.
Ducky: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is, you talk back.
Ducky: None of my other patients ever complained.
Roy: Sorry, thought it might be nice for you to have someone to talk to for a change.
Ducky: Oh, I always talk to my guests. The difference here is, you talk back.
TV Show: NCIS
[McGee has to wear hospital scrubs while Abby tests his clothes for radiation.]
Tony: Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Ziva: Male nurse?
Tony: No, Aquasmurf.
Tony: Clothes make the man, what does that make McGee?
Ziva: Male nurse?
Tony: No, Aquasmurf.
TV Show: NCIS
Roy: Sorry, felt a little dizzy.
Ziva: I have to get you into bed. Oh, I ...
Roy: I'm not saying anything.
Ziva: Sorry, it's the English.
Ziva: I have to get you into bed. Oh, I ...
Roy: I'm not saying anything.
Ziva: Sorry, it's the English.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: I have been working for thirty straight hours!
McGee: This is my fourth cup of the day!
Tony: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.
Ziva: Thanks.
McGee: This is my fourth cup of the day!
Tony: Mossad. Hot liquid. Let her have it, McGee.
Ziva: Thanks.
TV Show: NCIS
Roy: Would you think you'd have noticed... that I was no longer there? That I'd stopped running.
Ziva: Yes. I would've noticed... I would have missed seeing you.
Roy: But eventually you'd have forgotten me.
Ziva: Yes... [takes Roy's hand] I won't forget you now.
Ziva: Yes. I would've noticed... I would have missed seeing you.
Roy: But eventually you'd have forgotten me.
Ziva: Yes... [takes Roy's hand] I won't forget you now.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: (to McGee, holding a dollar bill and a candy bar) Give me a dollar.
McGee: Okay. What's wrong with that one?
Abby: The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.
McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby: It has nougat in it.
McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby: I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!
McGee: All I have are big bills.
Ziva: What is nougat?
Tony: It's whipped dolphin fat.
McGee: No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.
Abby: That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!
(silence)
Tony: Sure, I got one.
(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)
Abby: Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]
Ziva: I don't even know what nougat is!
Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.
McGee: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?
Tony: Yeah. She stole my dollar.
McGee: Okay. What's wrong with that one?
Abby: The machine wouldn't take it. And I want a candy bar.
McGee: What's wrong with that candy bar?
Abby: It has nougat in it.
McGee: But you hate nougat.
Abby: I know! It was a mistake, McGee! Do you have a dollar?!
McGee: All I have are big bills.
Ziva: What is nougat?
Tony: It's whipped dolphin fat.
McGee: No. That's the filling in Klowny Kake.
Abby: That is a myth. [Shouts] Would someone please give me a dollar?!
(silence)
Tony: Sure, I got one.
(Abby walks over and snatches it from him)
Abby: Thanks. God, it's like some kind of crime to not like nougat! [Leaves]
Ziva: I don't even know what nougat is!
Gibbs: It's a cream, made from sugar, honey and nuts. Grab your gear. Got an explosion at a Marine's funeral in James River National.
McGee: Did anyone else see what just happened there with Abby?
Tony: Yeah. She stole my dollar.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: She definitely seemed Un-Abby.
Ziva: Who?
Tony: Abby.
Ziva: Abby's unhappy?
Tony: No. Abby's Un-Abby. I need you to focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk to her when I can.
McGee: Why you?
Tony: Because dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of sensitivity. Clearly not an area of expertise for you.
McGee: Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women.
Tony: See? That wasn't very sensitive, was it?
Ziva: The man has one serious relationship and all of the sudden, he's an expert.
Tony: All right, there is one clear-cut, undeniable reason why I should be the one to talk to Abby: She owes me a dollar.
Ziva: Who?
Tony: Abby.
Ziva: Abby's unhappy?
Tony: No. Abby's Un-Abby. I need you to focus here, okay? Pitch in. I'll talk to her when I can.
McGee: Why you?
Tony: Because dealing with an angry woman requires a great deal of sensitivity. Clearly not an area of expertise for you.
McGee: Well, I don't doubt that you have more experience with angry women.
Tony: See? That wasn't very sensitive, was it?
Ziva: The man has one serious relationship and all of the sudden, he's an expert.
Tony: All right, there is one clear-cut, undeniable reason why I should be the one to talk to Abby: She owes me a dollar.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: I was right, wasn't I? There is something wrong with Abby.
Tony: Let it go, Probie.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.
Tony: Let it go, Probie.
McGee: Why?
Tony: Because I'm pretty sure it was something you did.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: DiNozzo, David, wait here.
Tony: You sure about that, Boss...? Of course, because if you weren't, you'd be saying, "DiNozzo, David, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!
Tony: You sure about that, Boss...? Of course, because if you weren't, you'd be saying, "DiNozzo, David, follow me." PROBIE, STOP IT!
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Well, well. Look who's finally here.
Ziva: Oh, like you've never been late, left early, or gone mysteriously missing.
Tony: Oh no, that's my point exactly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality.
Ziva: Oh, like you've never been late, left early, or gone mysteriously missing.
Tony: Oh no, that's my point exactly. Tardiness is my middle name. In fact, it's expected of me. You, on the other hand, have become the poster girl for punctuality.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Any tattoos Ducky?
Ducky: Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no.
Ducky: Ahh, a direct query, demanding a direct response, which in this case is a direct no.
TV Show: NCIS
Mike: [to Gibbs] We're getting more alike you and me, Probie. Even feeling the same pain. I don't know how you didn't go crazy when you lost your little girl, maybe you did for awhile; maybe you still are. But I just know I've got to do what's right for my boy... I owe him that.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Ever tell your dad what you were up to Probie?
McGee: Everyday!
Tony: ...Wrong person to ask.
McGee: Everyday!
Tony: ...Wrong person to ask.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: [her eyes are closed] Do you think it's ESP? [Gibbs walks out] I mean, that you always know when I find something, and if it is ESP, are you reading my mind, or am I sending you some sort of brain thoughts out of my head and into yours? [she turns around, opens her eyes, realizing he's not here and shuts them again] Come back Gibbs. Come back Gibbs.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: There is nothing lucky about waking up at your own autopsy Probie.
McGee: Well... at least you know you're not dead.
McGee: Well... at least you know you're not dead.
TV Show: NCIS
Ducky: [about the morgue] This is the place, where death rejoices in teaching the living!
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: I found this, in his left trouser pocket. It's organic.
McGee: Illegal?
Abby: We could smoke it and find out.
McGee: Illegal?
Abby: We could smoke it and find out.
TV Show: NCIS
Paula Cassidy: I'm not convinced that it wasn't this guy. I mean, how do we know Ducky didn't make a mistake?
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.
Ziva: Which means what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.
Paula Cassidy: Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right? Tony?
Tony: She does have a valid point, Ziva.
Paula Cassidy: We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know he could've committed suicide!
Ziva: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? That doesn't make any sense!
Tony: No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wo--
Gibbs: [Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?
Tony: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.
Gibbs: I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.
Ziva: That works for me.
Paula: Works for me, too, David.
Ziva: Da-veed!
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Because Ducky doesn't make mistakes, Paula.
Ziva: Which means what you saw yesterday was, by definition, mistaken.
Paula Cassidy: Look, even if he did die the day before, it doesn't mean he wasn't involved. Right? Tony?
Tony: She does have a valid point, Ziva.
Paula Cassidy: We don't even know what his cause of death is. For all we know he could've committed suicide!
Ziva: A suicide bomber who commits suicide before his bombing? That doesn't make any sense!
Tony: No! It doesn't! But it does raise an interesting point. Imagine, if you will, ladies. An assisted suicide of a suicide bomber who suicided before his suicide bombing. It's kinda like how many chucks could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wo--
Gibbs: [Head-slaps Tony] DiNozzo, what the hell is wrong with you?
Tony: I am just trying to lighten the mood of the room a little bit, boss.
Gibbs: I got a better way: Leave. And take her with you.
Ziva: That works for me.
Paula: Works for me, too, David.
Ziva: Da-veed!
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: The blood starts at the ping-pong table.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: This is tragic, don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie.
[McGee stares at Tony]
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Study.
Tony: Figures.
Tony: Beer pong.
McGee: Huh?
Tony: This is tragic, don't tell me you've never played beer pong before, Probie.
[McGee stares at Tony]
Tony: What did you do at MIT?
McGee: Study.
Tony: Figures.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Was no secret he was writing about us.
Tony: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?
Ziva: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?
Tony: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?
Ziva: When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?
Tony: Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.
Ziva: Yeah, totally unrealistic.
Tony: Would never happen.
[awkward silence]
Tony: Oh, come on, it's not about us. I mean the whole part about Lisa and her broken heart?
Ziva: And the memento she keeps from a relationship that never had a chance to happen?
Tony: Yeah. Where's he gettin' that? Or the scene between Lisa and Tommy where they pour out their hearts to each other and spill their secrets?
Ziva: When he tries to explain the profound nature of his identity crisis?
Tony: Yeah, I mean, the hidden struggle between who he is and what he's becoming? I don't even know what that is.
Ziva: Yeah, totally unrealistic.
Tony: Would never happen.
[awkward silence]
TV Show: NCIS