NCIS Quotes
Tony: Crash and burn, only a matter of time.
Ziva: What?
Tony: Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.
Ziva: Could last a lifetime.
Tony: Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really just a...
Ziva: A whom?
Tony: Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.
Ziva: A what, then?
Tony: What then? Uh... what? What...
Ziva: I'm still just a what?
Fred Rinnert: A girl.
[both stop and look at him in surprise]
Ziva: What?
Tony: Not a what. A whom. Colonel Mann, Gibbs. Army/Navy joint operation.
Ziva: Could last a lifetime.
Tony: Behind the torture techniques and the contract killings, you're really just a...
Ziva: A whom?
Tony: Whom? Not a whom, it's more, it's a what.
Ziva: A what, then?
Tony: What then? Uh... what? What...
Ziva: I'm still just a what?
Fred Rinnert: A girl.
[both stop and look at him in surprise]
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Who do you think is prettier? Ex-wife number three, or future ex-wife number four?
Ziva: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!
Ziva: Colonel Mann is at a disadvantage because of her uniform. [pause] Tell me you're not trying to imagine her without the uniform, Tony!
TV Show: NCIS
Ducky: A man's heart often tells us how he lived. Sometimes, it might even tell us how he died, but contrary to popular myth, it never tells us how he loved.
TV Show: NCIS
Hollis Mann: Bring her in for another interview.
Gibbs: Wait.
Hollis Mann: I said bring her in!
Gibbs: And I said wait!
Tony: This never turns out well for the kids.
Gibbs: Wait.
Hollis Mann: I said bring her in!
Gibbs: And I said wait!
Tony: This never turns out well for the kids.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Gibbs has this uncanny ability to know when I've found something. I don't even know what I've found yet.
Fred: Well he didn't seem happy.
Abby: Oh, no, no. He never is. Even when he is happy, and I doubt he's happy right now. But, you know, I am his favorite, so he's usually pretty good with me.
Fred: Well he didn't seem happy.
Abby: Oh, no, no. He never is. Even when he is happy, and I doubt he's happy right now. But, you know, I am his favorite, so he's usually pretty good with me.
TV Show: NCIS
[Ziva and McGee are focused at his computer and grinning as Tony walks in]
Ziva: [chuckles] Aw, not bad....
McGee: Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.
Ziva: Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.
McGee: He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...
Ziva: [chuckles]
Tony: Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.
Ziva: [gives him a stare] Not me.
Tony: Oh! [wanders over] McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?
McGee: Looking at animal rescue sites.
Ziva: McGee is thinking about getting a puppy.
Tony: Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it...
McGee: Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone that will jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV. Maybe lick my face a little bit...
Ziva: [exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles]
Tony: Might be easier getting a girlfriend.
Ziva: [gives him a distasteful look] Ehh.
McGee: Which might be even easier with a puppy. [Tony gets a look on his face, slowly meeting McGee's gaze] Even for you.
Tony: I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you yet, probie.
McGee: Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.
Ziva: [looks confused] Are you getting a pony?
Tony: It's an adage.
Ziva: I am not familiar with that breed.
Tony: Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a pegasus and a unicorn.
Tony: So, what's the favorite?
Ziva: [annoyed] The Pit Bull.
Tony:
Ziva: [chuckles] Aw, not bad....
McGee: Look at this one... you're gonna love this guy.
Ziva: Yeah, he would not be safe with me... I would eat him.
McGee: He's so adorable! How can you say no to that face...
Ziva: [chuckles]
Tony: Please tell me you're looking for a man for Ziva.
Ziva: [gives him a stare] Not me.
Tony: Oh! [wanders over] McGoo... is there something you wanna tell me?
McGee: Looking at animal rescue sites.
Ziva: McGee is thinking about getting a puppy.
Tony: Puppy's a lot of work. You gotta feed it, walk it, train it...
McGee: Yeah, I'm not twelve, alright. I work hard. I deserve someone that will jump up, all excited when I get home, you know. Lay on the couch, watch TV. Maybe lick my face a little bit...
Ziva: [exchanges amused looks with him and chuckles]
Tony: Might be easier getting a girlfriend.
Ziva: [gives him a distasteful look] Ehh.
McGee: Which might be even easier with a puppy. [Tony gets a look on his face, slowly meeting McGee's gaze] Even for you.
Tony: I'm not ready to start taking tips on this from you yet, probie.
McGee: Tony, I think it's time you get back on that horse.
Ziva: [looks confused] Are you getting a pony?
Tony: It's an adage.
Ziva: I am not familiar with that breed.
Tony: Yeah, well they are quite rare. Sort of a cross between a pegasus and a unicorn.
Tony: So, what's the favorite?
Ziva: [annoyed] The Pit Bull.
Tony:
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony, Ziva and McGee are discussing which dog to get as Gibbs walks past]
Gibbs: How about an Australian Shepherd. They're working dogs.
Gibbs: How about an Australian Shepherd. They're working dogs.
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony, Ziva and McGee start to get up to help Gibbs]
Gibbs: Siiiiiit. [they slowly sit back down] Stay. [smiles and walks off] Roll over.
Gibbs: Siiiiiit. [they slowly sit back down] Stay. [smiles and walks off] Roll over.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [watching an arrest in MTAC] An NCIS production. Presented by Leroy Jethro Gibbs. [On screen, FBI agents are running into building] Starring, as per usual, the FBI.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: [on the phone] No, no, no, it's not you, it's just... well, you know, these things run their course, and, ah... well, you, you must accept--
Tony: Personal call, David?
Ziva: Yes. Go away!
Tony: Somebody being dumped?
Ziva: Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?
Tony: Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.
Ziva: That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.
Tony: Why didn't you stop me?
Ziva: Too stunned.
Tony: Where do I send flowers?
Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.
Tony: Personal call, David?
Ziva: Yes. Go away!
Tony: Somebody being dumped?
Ziva: Oh - how do you tell someone you no longer want to see them?
Tony: Easy. [grabs Ziva's phone] Listen, dirtbag, this is Ziva's husband. I have your phone number now, I can find your address; if you ever try to contact her again, I will reach down your throat, grab your intestines, rip them out and drive over your head! Lose this number or lose your life! [hangs up, hands the phone back to Ziva] You're welcome.
Ziva: That was my Aunt Nettie from Tel Aviv. She was trying to stop seeing her eighty-six-year-old mah jong partner.
Tony: Why didn't you stop me?
Ziva: Too stunned.
Tony: Where do I send flowers?
Ziva: If you communicate with her again, I will kill you.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [after Gibbs dope-slaps him] You know, repeated head trauma causes brain damage.
McGee: Explains a lot.
Tony: Is this side of my head bigger?
Ziva: Yes. But so is the other side.
McGee: Explains a lot.
Tony: Is this side of my head bigger?
Ziva: Yes. But so is the other side.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: You're xenophobic.
Tony: No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.
Tony: No, I'm not Xena-phobic. It's one of my favorite shows. Leather skirts, lesbian sword-fighting, female empowerment. But maybe I'm a little Ziva-phobic.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Do you ever think about soulmates?
Tony: They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing? Sing a few bars, I'll get it.
Ziva: You'll never get it.
Tony: They were on Decca, right? Big hit, mid-'70s? Sort of a disco thing? Sing a few bars, I'll get it.
Ziva: You'll never get it.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Abby, what do I do? It's like, I'm nuts for this girl, you know? And she's just... nuts.
TV Show: NCIS
[McGee and Tony enter a therapist's waiting room. Tony is about to knock on the therapist's office door when McGee stops him]
McGee: Don't do that!
Tony: Do what?
McGee: He might be with someone! [He turns on a light switch]
Tony: That tells him someone's here?
[Tony impatiently switches the switch on and off several times quickly]
McGee: Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?
Tony: Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?
McGee: Yeah. Once when I was young.
Tony: For your Acrophobia?
McGee: You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.
Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.
McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.
Tony: Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!
McGee: I was not.
Tony: You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]
McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.
Tony: [Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.
McGee: You're not going to post that on YouTube?
Tony: I might.
McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]
Tony: [Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
[Both begin fightin
McGee: Don't do that!
Tony: Do what?
McGee: He might be with someone! [He turns on a light switch]
Tony: That tells him someone's here?
[Tony impatiently switches the switch on and off several times quickly]
McGee: Haven't you ever been to a therapist before?
Tony: Me? No. [Sits on a couch] You?
McGee: Yeah. Once when I was young.
Tony: For your Acrophobia?
McGee: You're blowing that all out of proportion, Tony.
Tony: Well, you showed a pathological fear of heights today.
McGee: I was staring down ten stories. Being a little disoriented is a little understandable.
Tony: Disoriented? Your panties were in a twist. Tears in your eyes. Oh, wait. I couldn't see your eyes because they were shut so tight! You were hysterical like a little girl!
McGee: I was not.
Tony: You were huggin' the ladder. Ladder hugger. And I got the photographic evidence. [Pulls out a camera phone] Let technology show you the truth. [Shows McGee a video of him nervously on the ladder]
McGee: My eyes are not closed. I was blinking.
Tony: [Looks at the video] Oh. Oh, is that- Is that what you were doing? Let's let the people decide.
McGee: You're not going to post that on YouTube?
Tony: I might.
McGee: You give me that thing or I'm gonna-- [Tony shuts the phone] Hey! [Begins wrestling for the phone]
Tony: [Holding the phone away from McGee's grasp] What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do?
[Both begin fightin
TV Show: NCIS
[Abby comes up to the empty squadroom late at night when no one else is there. She sits at Gibbs' desk and puts on his glasses.]
Abby: [Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special Agent Gibbs! [Speaking normal, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're standing behind me, aren't you?
Gibbs: Yep. [comes over] Feeling very secure about your job, are you, Abs?
Abby: Um, not so much anymore.
Abby: [Imitating Gibbs] I heard that, DiNozzo. Another wise-ass comment like that, I'll smack you so hard, your grandchildren will feel it. [Looks at McGee's desk] Think it's funny, McGee? Wipe that smile off your face. [Looks at Ziva's desk] That goes for you, too, David. [Picks up the phone] Special Agent Gibbs! [Speaking normal, slowly takes off Gibbs' glasses] You're standing behind me, aren't you?
Gibbs: Yep. [comes over] Feeling very secure about your job, are you, Abs?
Abby: Um, not so much anymore.
TV Show: NCIS
[McGee has just saved Tony from falling from a high level of a parking garage and they are both sitting on the ground against the concrete partition, panting.]
Tony: I love you, McGee. [pats McGee's knee] I promise I am never going to give you a hard time again.
McGee: Yeah, right. [Tony pats McGee's chest, McGee bats his hand away.]
Tony: I love you, McGee. [pats McGee's knee] I promise I am never going to give you a hard time again.
McGee: Yeah, right. [Tony pats McGee's chest, McGee bats his hand away.]
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony shoots a drinking straw wrapper at Ziva]
Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [shoots another wrapper]
Ziva: Don't you have paperwork, DiNozzo?
Tony: What do you think I'm doing? I take the paper, and I make it work. [shoots another wrapper]
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [singing]Baa, baa, black ship... have you any wool?... Yes, sir, yes, sir... but in order to see it, you're gonna need top-secret government clearance...
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: You guys okay?
McGee: Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva is dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby: So, what's Gibbs dealing with?
Gibbs: Them.
McGee: Oh, yeah, we're peachy. I am dealing with my boat phobia, Tony is dealing with his rat phobia and Ziva is dealing with her ghost phobia.
Abby: So, what's Gibbs dealing with?
Gibbs: Them.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: I knew it. I'm gonna die. I inhaled it. God! Definitely didn't picture my demise like this. I always figured I'd go out like Cagney in White Heat. Fiery explosion. Or Redford and Newman. Butch Cassidy. Hail of bullets.
Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.
Tony: How'd he die?
Gibbs: Silently.
Gibbs: Or Charlie Chaplin in The Gold Rush.
Tony: How'd he die?
Gibbs: Silently.
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony is carrying a dead rat through the abandoned ship.]
Tony: Yes, Alex, I'll take "Horror Movies That Take Place On Ships" for $500. [The lights go out] Oh, goody. Double Jeopardy.
Tony: Yes, Alex, I'll take "Horror Movies That Take Place On Ships" for $500. [The lights go out] Oh, goody. Double Jeopardy.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: She knew.
McGee: Reads Gibbs like a book.
Tony: Short read, not a lot of dialogue.
Ziva: Your kind of book.
Tony: Are you suggesting I don't read?
McGee: I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.
McGee: Reads Gibbs like a book.
Tony: Short read, not a lot of dialogue.
Ziva: Your kind of book.
Tony: Are you suggesting I don't read?
McGee: I think she's suggesting you only look at the pictures, Tony.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Soldier of fortune's about to become a soldier of misfortune.
Ziva: Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.
Ziva: Dogs of war about to taste the hair of the dogs.
TV Show: NCIS
Shepard: Any idea where he's going?
Tony: No.
Shepard: Hazard a guess?
Tony: Well, he took his badge and his gun, maybe he's going to shoot someone.
Tony: No.
Shepard: Hazard a guess?
Tony: Well, he took his badge and his gun, maybe he's going to shoot someone.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Sergeant Haas comes back from Iraq, and the first thing he does is try to move in with a girl he's dated twice. Why?
Tony: He's a man.
Ziva: What does she have that he does not?
Tony: A bed.
Tony: He's a man.
Ziva: What does she have that he does not?
Tony: A bed.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: She does this for fun! She's been arrested twice! She steals people's money, she buys things...
Abby: The crazy ones are the best.
McGee: See, the weird thing is... I kinda dig it, you know?
Abby: Okay, love is never having to read her her Miranda rights, but she's gonna do this to somebody else. Throw her psycho ass in the brig. I love you, McGee. That should be enough.
Abby: The crazy ones are the best.
McGee: See, the weird thing is... I kinda dig it, you know?
Abby: Okay, love is never having to read her her Miranda rights, but she's gonna do this to somebody else. Throw her psycho ass in the brig. I love you, McGee. That should be enough.
TV Show: NCIS