NCIS Quotes
Ziva: I'm a trained navigator, Tony.
Tony: Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent. I'm pulling rank.
Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin.
Tony: Yeah? Well, I got an A in Geography. Plus, I'm senior field agent. I'm pulling rank.
Ziva: I'm also a trained assassin.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: God! Oh, God, these are new boots!
Ziva: This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!
Tony: The only sight I see is your big black...
Ziva: Hey!
Tony: Backpack! Walking faster!
Ziva: This is not the time for sightseeing, Tony!
Tony: The only sight I see is your big black...
Ziva: Hey!
Tony: Backpack! Walking faster!
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Do you know what my biggest pet peeve is, McGee?
McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken?
McGee: People who say they're vegetarians but eat chicken?
TV Show: NCIS
Jenny: Taylor's phone was just activated, we're tracking it now.
Tony: Welcome to the club. I wouldn't say it's a fun one.
Gibbs: You sound tired, DiNozzo.
Tony: We're following Ziva, even the dogs are tired.
Tony: Welcome to the club. I wouldn't say it's a fun one.
Gibbs: You sound tired, DiNozzo.
Tony: We're following Ziva, even the dogs are tired.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [after hitting the comic book McGee's reading] Does that make you wanna hit me?
McGee: It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.
Ziva: Maybe Ziva will do what?
Tony: I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.
Ziva: You and Abby have been drinking?
Tony: No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.
McGee: To match your head.
McGee: It's really tempting. But I think I'm gonna pass. [Ziva walks in] Maybe Ziva'll do it.
Ziva: Maybe Ziva will do what?
Tony: I've been working on my six-pack. You know? Abs.
Ziva: You and Abby have been drinking?
Tony: No, abdominals. No more beer gut for me. I've been training hardcore. Hitting the core hard. Carved. Hard as wood.
McGee: To match your head.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: [after Tony asks Ziva to hit him in the abdomen] As hard as she can?
Tony: As hard as you can.
McGee: You know that's how Houdini died?
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible, I do not remember all their names.
Tony: As hard as you can.
McGee: You know that's how Houdini died?
Tony: Ziva, did you kill Houdini?
Ziva: It is possible, I do not remember all their names.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] All right, listen up, people. Our fugitive has been on the run for ninety minutes.
Ziva: It has been three hours, Tony.
Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour.
Ziva: He's not on foot, he's in a car!
Tony: What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...
Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
McGee: Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech... every time we have a fugitive? Really?
Ziva: It has been three hours, Tony.
Tony: Average foot speed over uneven ground, barring injuries, is 4 miles per hour.
Ziva: He's not on foot, he's in a car!
Tony: What I need out of each and every one of you is a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse in the area. Our fugitive has a name. And it is...
Gibbs: Corporal Damon Werth.
McGee: Hey, the Tommy Lee Jones speech... every time we have a fugitive? Really?
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: What were you having feelings about? You just said you were having feelings.
Ziva: I said that I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.
McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?
Ziva: I felt... overwhelmed. Temporarily. Which does not often happen to me. When we were wrestling with Werth.
[Tony and McGee look at each other]
Ziva: What? What is this look?
Tony: Nothing. [Ziva goes back to working, Tony and McGee smile] You like him.
Ziva: He was powerful.
McGee: You really like him
Ziva: No I am saying he is stronger than any man I have encountered. But strength should not decide a battle. There is a weapon for every fight.
McGee: You itchin' for a rematch?
Tony: Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?
Ziva: I am trying to describe something -- complicated.
Tony: It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.
McGee: To her Red Sonja.
Tony: Nice.
Ziva: It only lasted a moment.
Tony: You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head, broken nose, dislocated shoulder. It's been a banner day.
Gibbs: Easy on the painkillers, DiNozzo.
Ziva: I said that I have feelings, not that I am having feelings.
McGee: That is a pretty sophisticated grammatical differentiation.
Tony: Don't change the subject with your big words, McNerd. Ziva says she had a feeling. Tell us about this feeling. What was this feeling?
Ziva: I felt... overwhelmed. Temporarily. Which does not often happen to me. When we were wrestling with Werth.
[Tony and McGee look at each other]
Ziva: What? What is this look?
Tony: Nothing. [Ziva goes back to working, Tony and McGee smile] You like him.
Ziva: He was powerful.
McGee: You really like him
Ziva: No I am saying he is stronger than any man I have encountered. But strength should not decide a battle. There is a weapon for every fight.
McGee: You itchin' for a rematch?
Tony: Wanna roll around on the ground with him some more?
Ziva: I am trying to describe something -- complicated.
Tony: It's not complicated, Ziva. It's Conan.
McGee: To her Red Sonja.
Tony: Nice.
Ziva: It only lasted a moment.
Tony: You had a moment. A moment and a feeling. And a smack to the head, broken nose, dislocated shoulder. It's been a banner day.
Gibbs: Easy on the painkillers, DiNozzo.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Courage doesn't have anything to do with medals. It's simple. You run to the gunfire, not away from it.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: I'm sorry, but the correct answer is Full Metal Jacket.
Ziva: That is not the best Marine movie. A Few Good Men is.
Tony: Based on the fact that I am right, I'm overruling you.
Ziva: That is not the best Marine movie. A Few Good Men is.
Tony: Based on the fact that I am right, I'm overruling you.
TV Show: NCIS
[McGee and Ziva are debating who should be the one to plant a bug in a mosque]
McGee: I’ll flip you for it.
Ziva: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Tony: [whispers] You can take her, McGee.
McGee: I’ll flip you for it.
Ziva: If I flip you, you will get hurt.
Tony: [whispers] You can take her, McGee.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [watching Langer leave] What an ass.
Ziva: [looking down admiringly] Yes, indeed.
Tony: You’re Langer-leering. You’re leering at Langer.
Ziva: Why not? He’s cute.
Tony: He -- he’s not cute, he’s --
Ziva: [puts her finger over Tony’s mouth] Shh. Don’t speak.
Tony: [impressed] Bullets Over Broadway. Woody Allen.
Ziva: Very good, Tony. You get a B in my class.
Tony: I could teach your class.
Ziva: [looking down admiringly] Yes, indeed.
Tony: You’re Langer-leering. You’re leering at Langer.
Ziva: Why not? He’s cute.
Tony: He -- he’s not cute, he’s --
Ziva: [puts her finger over Tony’s mouth] Shh. Don’t speak.
Tony: [impressed] Bullets Over Broadway. Woody Allen.
Ziva: Very good, Tony. You get a B in my class.
Tony: I could teach your class.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: I spent my summers in Haifa.
Khalid Mohammed Bakr: [Picks up the tea she has offered him] You make it Arab-style, huh? Strong.
Ziva: I like it strong.
Khalid: You like Muslims.
Ziva: Yes.
Khalid: May I ask why? I don’t mean to offend, I’m simply curious.
Ziva: Growing up in Israel I had a friend who was Muslim. We were very close.
Khalid: Are you still close?
Ziva: He was killed. When I was twelve.
Khalid: There’s been too much death.
Ziva: I agree.
Khalid Mohammed Bakr: [Picks up the tea she has offered him] You make it Arab-style, huh? Strong.
Ziva: I like it strong.
Khalid: You like Muslims.
Ziva: Yes.
Khalid: May I ask why? I don’t mean to offend, I’m simply curious.
Ziva: Growing up in Israel I had a friend who was Muslim. We were very close.
Khalid: Are you still close?
Ziva: He was killed. When I was twelve.
Khalid: There’s been too much death.
Ziva: I agree.
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony, digging through Ziva’s desk, has just discovered a "Movies for Dummies" book]
Tony: Ah-ha!
Ziva: [snatches it out of his hand] I have killed for less.
Tony: You cheated!
Ziva: I did not.
Tony: This is a book about movies. I bet you didn’t even see those movies. You just read this book.
Ziva: I like books.
Tony: I like movies.
Ziva: Do not quote books, I will not quote movies.
Tony: What if it’s a book that’s been turned into a movie?
Tony: Ah-ha!
Ziva: [snatches it out of his hand] I have killed for less.
Tony: You cheated!
Ziva: I did not.
Tony: This is a book about movies. I bet you didn’t even see those movies. You just read this book.
Ziva: I like books.
Tony: I like movies.
Ziva: Do not quote books, I will not quote movies.
Tony: What if it’s a book that’s been turned into a movie?
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Any good tips? On the case?
Det. Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.
Tony: It would have been nice, yeah.
Det. Sparr: Well, when I'm in the middle of an investigation, I don't return social calls.
Tony: What makes you think it was social?
Det. Sparr: The way you stared at my ass the other day.
Tony: How do you know my interest in your ass wasn't purely professional?
Det. Sparr: You're here because I didn't return your call.
Tony: It would have been nice, yeah.
Det. Sparr: Well, when I'm in the middle of an investigation, I don't return social calls.
Tony: What makes you think it was social?
Det. Sparr: The way you stared at my ass the other day.
Tony: How do you know my interest in your ass wasn't purely professional?
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: [talking about the man the hooker picked up] Personally I think she could have done better.
Tony: Come what?
Ziva: The Jack she is with is gross.
Tony: You mean John?
Ziva: You know him?
Tony: [shakes head] Oh my God.
Tony: Come what?
Ziva: The Jack she is with is gross.
Tony: You mean John?
Ziva: You know him?
Tony: [shakes head] Oh my God.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: Tony still has not gotten me back for the binoculars.
McGee: I thought you two shook on it, no more practical jokes.
Ziva: Do you trust DiNozzo?
McGee: Point well taken.
McGee: I thought you two shook on it, no more practical jokes.
Ziva: Do you trust DiNozzo?
McGee: Point well taken.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Demonstration for Gibbs. You know how hard it is to explain technical stuff to him.
Abby: Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something science-y his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he?
McGee: No.
Abby: Yeah, good thinking. It's like every time I try to explain something science-y his eyes glaze over and he gives me that 'will you shut up and get to the point?' look. [nervous pause] He's behind me, isn't he?
McGee: No.
TV Show: NCIS
Nikki Jardine: Um, Ziva? I don't know if I should say anything or not, but I saw Tony putting something under your car --
Ziva: What? When?
Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When? This morning.
Ziva: Ha! I told you, I told you he could not be trusted! [rushes out]
McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?
Nikki Jardine: No. Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.
Ziva: What? When?
Nikki Jardine: What, I don't know. When? This morning.
Ziva: Ha! I told you, I told you he could not be trusted! [rushes out]
McGee: Was Tony really messing with her car?
Nikki Jardine: No. Tony just told me to tell Ziva that when I saw her.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Who would shoot this cute little dog? Look at you... [realizing, she turns around and glares at McGee]
McGee: It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!
Abby: You shot that cute little dog?!
McGee: He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!
[The dog whines piteously.]
Abby: How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!
McGee: Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!
Abby: Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!
McGee: People with dogs that kill people kill people!
[Abby grabs McGee's jacket and cuddles the dog.]
McGee: You're wrapping the dog in my jacket?! My Hugo Boss jacket?! Abby, there's evidence on there...!
Abby: If you think that I can't distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me, McGee! And right now, I don't want to know you! [to the dog, kindly] Good dog. [to McGee, angrily]Bad McGee!
McGee: It was self-defense. It-it was self-defense!
Abby: You shot that cute little dog?!
McGee: He's not cute and little! He's, he's vicious and large!
[The dog whines piteously.]
Abby: How could you shoot an innocent animal, McGee?!
McGee: Abby, that dog is not innocent, he killed someone!
Abby: Dogs don't kill people! People kill people!
McGee: People with dogs that kill people kill people!
[Abby grabs McGee's jacket and cuddles the dog.]
McGee: You're wrapping the dog in my jacket?! My Hugo Boss jacket?! Abby, there's evidence on there...!
Abby: If you think that I can't distinguish the fibers on your stupid jacket from the evidence on the dog, you don't know me, McGee! And right now, I don't want to know you! [to the dog, kindly] Good dog. [to McGee, angrily]Bad McGee!
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: (To the dog) Who's a good Jethro?
Gibbs: (Enters Abby's lab, she doesn't see)I'm a good Jethro.
Abby: Don't be mad, be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and silent, so I decided to call him Jethro.
Gibbs: (Enters Abby's lab, she doesn't see)I'm a good Jethro.
Abby: Don't be mad, be flattered. He's just so strong and handsome and silent, so I decided to call him Jethro.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Boss, we've already been through all of this! I mean, I got no leads, Ziva's flirted with every seaman on the base, and McGee's watched a hundred hours of Petty Officer Junction.
McGee: Hundred and fifty, actually.
McGee: Hundred and fifty, actually.
TV Show: NCIS
[McGee and a dog handler come down to pick up Jethro, to find Abby has locked herself and Jethro in her office with loud music on, ignoring them. McGee is still trying to nudge the glass door open and get her attention as Jethro growls]
Abby: Pay no attention to them, Jethro.
McGee: (sighs) Abby, open the door. (no response) Jethro has to go now... Abby!
Abby: I can't hear you, McGee!
McGee: If you can't hear me, why did you answer?
[Abby frowns and gets up to turn the music up louder, then turns to face them.]
Abby: I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!
McGee: Abby, do not make a scene!
Abby: Too late, McGee! I am in full scene mode!
McGee: You can't stay in there forever.
Abby: [indicating a large container of Caf-Pow] I'm fully stocked on both Caf-Pow... [indicating a bag of dog food] ...and kibble. I'm good for at least a few days. (Jethro barks)
Abby: Pay no attention to them, Jethro.
McGee: (sighs) Abby, open the door. (no response) Jethro has to go now... Abby!
Abby: I can't hear you, McGee!
McGee: If you can't hear me, why did you answer?
[Abby frowns and gets up to turn the music up louder, then turns to face them.]
Abby: I am not opening the door until Jethro is proven innocent!
McGee: Abby, do not make a scene!
Abby: Too late, McGee! I am in full scene mode!
McGee: You can't stay in there forever.
Abby: [indicating a large container of Caf-Pow] I'm fully stocked on both Caf-Pow... [indicating a bag of dog food] ...and kibble. I'm good for at least a few days. (Jethro barks)
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Jethro is fine. I'm taking up a collection for flowers.
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog who attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I am a forensic scientist and I can boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.
[McGee quickly puts money in the container]
McGee: Why would I give flowers to a dog who attacked me?
Abby: Maybe because dog is man's best friend. Or maybe because I am a forensic scientist and I can boil you from the inside out and never leave a trace.
[McGee quickly puts money in the container]
TV Show: NCIS
Jenny: Long way from San Diego, Leon.
Vance: SecNav felt this warranted a plane ticket.
Jenny: Are you interrogating my agents? I assume you have a suspect. [Vance smirks.] And you've been brought in to oversee. Well, Assistant Director Vance, you gonna ask for them?
[She removes her gun and badge from her desk drawer.]
Vance: Under the authority of the Secretary of the Navy, as acting director of NCIS, I hearby relieve you of your duties. I'm sorry, Jenny, you're suspended.
Vance: SecNav felt this warranted a plane ticket.
Jenny: Are you interrogating my agents? I assume you have a suspect. [Vance smirks.] And you've been brought in to oversee. Well, Assistant Director Vance, you gonna ask for them?
[She removes her gun and badge from her desk drawer.]
Vance: Under the authority of the Secretary of the Navy, as acting director of NCIS, I hearby relieve you of your duties. I'm sorry, Jenny, you're suspended.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: [as they are waiting in Evidence Garage] Ooh! Tarot cards. Want to see what happens next?
Tony: I am dying with anticipation. [gets distracted]
Abby: Tony! We are about to summon the elusive elements of the cosmos. Concentrate.
Tony: I'm with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring a pizza.
Tony: I am dying with anticipation. [gets distracted]
Abby: Tony! We are about to summon the elusive elements of the cosmos. Concentrate.
Tony: I'm with you. Call the spirits. Tell them to bring a pizza.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: [as Jeanne Benoit passes] Be a man, Tony.
Tony: She accused me of murder.
Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.
Tony: She accused me of murder.
Ziva: Who is the bad guy? Be a man. Go tell her what she needs to hear.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: I'm sorry you got caught in the middle of all this.
Jeanne: Was any of it real?
Tony: (lying through his teeth) No.
Jeanne: Was any of it real?
Tony: (lying through his teeth) No.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: [walks in, smiling and carries a coffee to McGee's desk] For the one you got me last week.
McGee: Aw, thank you.
Ziva: [leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!
McGee: [grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?
Ziva: [chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.
Tony: [walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?
Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.
Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?
McGee: You can't see it, Tony.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.
McGee: Hey!
[The picture turns out to be a very sweet one of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking his face.]
Tony: [laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.
McGee: You're just jealous.
Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.
McGee: Aw, thank you.
Ziva: [leans in to see what he's looking at on screen and gasps] That is quite a kiss, McGee!
McGee: [grins] Not bad for a wallpaper, huh?
Ziva: [chuckles] Well, you seem to be enjoying yourself. [muses] I have never seen a tongue quite so... long.
Tony: [walks in, looking at them curiously] McGee has a long tongue?
Ziva: No, but the cutie-pie he's kissing does.
Tony: McGee's kissing a girl?
McGee: You can't see it, Tony.
Tony: Why not?
Ziva: This is McGee's private photograph. And if he does not want you to see it here, then you have to respect his wishes. Or... [hits a key to bring it up on the squadroom plasma screen] ...see it elsewhere.
McGee: Hey!
[The picture turns out to be a very sweet one of McGee kneeling next to the dog Jethro, who is licking his face.]
Tony: [laughs] Oh, McRomeo... you should save that stuff for the bedroom.
McGee: You're just jealous.
Tony: Jealous? I don't think so. What you're doing there could be illegal in some states.
TV Show: NCIS