NCIS Quotes
Tony: [after riding a horse all day] Ohhh, can you get nerve damage in your buttocks?
Gibbs: You're gonna feel worse in the morning.
Gibbs: You're gonna feel worse in the morning.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Any word on Dina Risi?
Sheriff Boyd: No. We tried all our sources. No one seems to know where she went.
Gibbs: You know her?
Sheriff Boyd: Well, I met her. She was chained to a tree, I was the one with the bolt cutters and handcuffs.
Sheriff Boyd: No. We tried all our sources. No one seems to know where she went.
Gibbs: You know her?
Sheriff Boyd: Well, I met her. She was chained to a tree, I was the one with the bolt cutters and handcuffs.
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony has trouble controlling his horse; it's turning in circles]
Tony: Uh oh, sheriff, I think he lost a contact.
Tony: Uh oh, sheriff, I think he lost a contact.
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony and Tara inside the elevator]
Tony: For some reason you can see right through my disguise.
Tara: How bad's the dry spell?
Tony: Saharan.
Tara: Never been a problem before?
Tony: You kidding me? Not since Lisa Mullen taught me to play doctor in the second grade.
Tara: What's changed?
Tony: Real doctor, real love, real bad breakup.
Tara: Messed you up pretty bad, huh?
Tony: Kicked off a slump with women that's unprecedented in my adult life. I've tried everything. I mean, I'm dating constantly, but I can't seem to get it right. I'm not closing the deal, you know? Like there's a saboteur in my head. I'm making every rookie mistake. I'm talking about myself too much at dinner. I mean, I'm talking about my ex, I'm talking about my feelings, I...I scare 'em off.
Tara: Crying.
Tony: Ha! DiNozzo men don't cry.
Tony: Let's skip to the last step.
Tara: That's easy. Pick the right woman. [At that very moment Tara flips the switch to open the elevator doors and to reveal Ziva behind them]
Tony: For some reason you can see right through my disguise.
Tara: How bad's the dry spell?
Tony: Saharan.
Tara: Never been a problem before?
Tony: You kidding me? Not since Lisa Mullen taught me to play doctor in the second grade.
Tara: What's changed?
Tony: Real doctor, real love, real bad breakup.
Tara: Messed you up pretty bad, huh?
Tony: Kicked off a slump with women that's unprecedented in my adult life. I've tried everything. I mean, I'm dating constantly, but I can't seem to get it right. I'm not closing the deal, you know? Like there's a saboteur in my head. I'm making every rookie mistake. I'm talking about myself too much at dinner. I mean, I'm talking about my ex, I'm talking about my feelings, I...I scare 'em off.
Tara: Crying.
Tony: Ha! DiNozzo men don't cry.
Tony: Let's skip to the last step.
Tara: That's easy. Pick the right woman. [At that very moment Tara flips the switch to open the elevator doors and to reveal Ziva behind them]
TV Show: NCIS
Tara: Thank you, Anthony, you're very sweet- my patron saint.
Tony: Actually, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of hook... [stops himself from saying hookers] Saint Anthony is who you turn to when you've lost something.
Tara: So, who does Anthony turn to when he's lost something?
Tony: How do you know I've lost something?
Tara: [laughing] I may not know my saints, but I definitely know my sinners.
Tony: Actually, Saint Nicholas is the patron saint of hook... [stops himself from saying hookers] Saint Anthony is who you turn to when you've lost something.
Tara: So, who does Anthony turn to when he's lost something?
Tony: How do you know I've lost something?
Tara: [laughing] I may not know my saints, but I definitely know my sinners.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Abs, what do you got?
Abby: I am not at liberty to discuss the details of Director Vance's case with you. And I would certainly hope that you wouldn't try to bribe me.
Gibbs: I wouldn't do that. [he sets a Caf-pow next to her]
Abby: Because I can't say a word about the five slugs that Ducky pulled out of Owens' body. Not that there's a word to say, 'cause I don't even know if these .45 cal S&Ws are a match to the weapon that was found in the deceased's pocket. Not that I would tell you if they are. I'm assuming that your curiosity is for educational purposes. After Ducky does the autopsy we should be able to calculate how long that accumulated post mortem gasses took to counteract the weight that kept Owens submerged.
Abby: I am not at liberty to discuss the details of Director Vance's case with you. And I would certainly hope that you wouldn't try to bribe me.
Gibbs: I wouldn't do that. [he sets a Caf-pow next to her]
Abby: Because I can't say a word about the five slugs that Ducky pulled out of Owens' body. Not that there's a word to say, 'cause I don't even know if these .45 cal S&Ws are a match to the weapon that was found in the deceased's pocket. Not that I would tell you if they are. I'm assuming that your curiosity is for educational purposes. After Ducky does the autopsy we should be able to calculate how long that accumulated post mortem gasses took to counteract the weight that kept Owens submerged.
TV Show: NCIS
Vance: Whaddaya say David? Wanna go a few rounds?
Ziva: I think that would violate my primary assignment.
Vance: Only if you manage to lay a glove on me.
Issac: Excuse me, darling, but this gym ain't co-ed.
Ziva: Another time.
Vance: Just say when.
Ziva: I think that would violate my primary assignment.
Vance: Only if you manage to lay a glove on me.
Issac: Excuse me, darling, but this gym ain't co-ed.
Ziva: Another time.
Vance: Just say when.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [standing up on desk, yelling] Excuse me. K listen up everybody, I need your full attention here. Lenny, Squiggy, Q-Tip, Q-Bert, Bungo Straight, Vertical Bill, can you hear me back there? [says to hot girl] Oh hi Natalie, hi. You look very nice today. [resumes yelling] I have lost my wallet. So, if you've seen it, please return it to me. There will be no judgment, maybe even a small reward.
[everyone looks annoyed as they turn back to work, Tony sees Gibbs standing next to the desk he is on]
Tony: Hi boss, I lost my... [jumps down from desk] You're going to say mind or marbles...
Gibbs: Job.
[everyone looks annoyed as they turn back to work, Tony sees Gibbs standing next to the desk he is on]
Tony: Hi boss, I lost my... [jumps down from desk] You're going to say mind or marbles...
Gibbs: Job.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: You can't make an omelet without breaking some legs.
Tony: You're never making me breakfast!
Ziva: That is the truth!
Tony: It's supposed to be "eggs".
Ziva: Cook them yourself!
Tony: You're never making me breakfast!
Ziva: That is the truth!
Tony: It's supposed to be "eggs".
Ziva: Cook them yourself!
TV Show: NCIS
Tara: Teek? Is that you?
Vance: You have a decision to make Tara. Do we walk out of here, or do I carry you?
Vance: You have a decision to make Tara. Do we walk out of here, or do I carry you?
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: This reminds me of the forests I used to have fun in as a child.
Tony: I find that hard to believe.
Ziva: What, that Israel had forests?
Tony: No, that you had fun as a child.
Ziva: [laughs] Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, take us to the middle of the forest, and then we had to find our way out by ourselves.
Tony: I stand corrected.
Tony: I find that hard to believe.
Ziva: What, that Israel had forests?
Tony: No, that you had fun as a child.
Ziva: [laughs] Oh, sure. My father used to blindfold us, take us to the middle of the forest, and then we had to find our way out by ourselves.
Tony: I stand corrected.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: McGee, do you have any idea what world of pain these kids will be in when their dads get home? You ever see The Great Santini?
McGee: Don't need to see it - I lived it.
McGee: Don't need to see it - I lived it.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Okay, the victim, Leonard Caswell, postal worker. He was shot at point blank range by Robert Perry. It's kind of funny; a non-postal worker going postal on a postal worker. Not funny like, ha-ha funny, but funny like comically absurdly amusing funny. Like irony, comedy is very subjective.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: How was the pawn shop?
Ziva: I hit a stone wall.
Tony: It's a brick wall.
Ziva: No, it was a stone wall. I backed up too quickly.
Ziva: I hit a stone wall.
Tony: It's a brick wall.
Ziva: No, it was a stone wall. I backed up too quickly.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Abs, music?
Abby: I know. I can barely stand it. I can't focus, it's effecting my cognitive function, I'm getting agitated. It's not for me. It's for them. [indicating maggots in a jar] I'm playing classical music for babies. It's supposed to increase their spatiotemporal reasoning and increase intelligence. [sighs] If I keep listening to this, I'm gonna turn into a psycho killer.
Abby: I know. I can barely stand it. I can't focus, it's effecting my cognitive function, I'm getting agitated. It's not for me. It's for them. [indicating maggots in a jar] I'm playing classical music for babies. It's supposed to increase their spatiotemporal reasoning and increase intelligence. [sighs] If I keep listening to this, I'm gonna turn into a psycho killer.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: I can find an H-waffle double zigzag waffle, I can find a double zigzag H-waffle double zigzag, but not a zigzag double H-waffle zigzag.
Tony: I see a fish riding a unicorn.
Tony: I see a fish riding a unicorn.
TV Show: NCIS
Perry: Any word on my immunity?
Tony: Well, I hear zinc lozenges help, but you might want to try some vitamin C or echinacea. Oh, you mean your immunity? No.
Tony: Well, I hear zinc lozenges help, but you might want to try some vitamin C or echinacea. Oh, you mean your immunity? No.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: [on the phone outside the safehouse] Tony, we have been compromised.
Tony: What are you talking about, Ziva? Is this a drill??
Perry: Did she get my medicine?!
Ziva: I'm going around the back.
Tony: Come here. Let's go. What are you doing?! Let's go! [sees Ziva walk in the door] Should we go?
Ziva: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry: What is she going to do?
Tony: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom, now.
Ziva: [calls Gibbs on speakerphone and places phone on the table, then draws two pistols]
Gibbs: Yeah? Gibbs.
Ziva: We have a situation at the safehouse.
Gibbs: Well, yeah, Ziva. What is it?
Ziva: Just a second. [both men break in a door each, only to be shot dead]
Gibbs: Ziva? Ziva! Ziva, talk to me!
Ziva: Under control. [hangs up]
Gibbs: [smiles and hangs up]
Tony: What are you talking about, Ziva? Is this a drill??
Perry: Did she get my medicine?!
Ziva: I'm going around the back.
Tony: Come here. Let's go. What are you doing?! Let's go! [sees Ziva walk in the door] Should we go?
Ziva: We are more vulnerable in transit. Take cover.
Perry: What is she going to do?
Tony: You know, I don't really know. Bathroom, now.
Ziva: [calls Gibbs on speakerphone and places phone on the table, then draws two pistols]
Gibbs: Yeah? Gibbs.
Ziva: We have a situation at the safehouse.
Gibbs: Well, yeah, Ziva. What is it?
Ziva: Just a second. [both men break in a door each, only to be shot dead]
Gibbs: Ziva? Ziva! Ziva, talk to me!
Ziva: Under control. [hangs up]
Gibbs: [smiles and hangs up]
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [in a newscaster voice] In a tragic story of obsessive hobbying turned deadly, an NCIS agent was discovered in his basement, crushed between a large homemade boat, and an even larger bottle of bourbon!
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Abby, no one was hurt. Tony and Ziva are fine.
Abby: They're not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean, how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.
McGee: Any luck?
Abby: No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.
McGee: You ran your own home phone records?
Abby: Yeah. Gibbs orders.
Abby: They're not fine! Not as long as someone is leaking information! I mean, how else would Siravo have known about our meeting with Flores and that we had Perry? [McGee shrugs] See?? No one is safe until I find this leak.
McGee: Any luck?
Abby: No! There were no unusual outgoing calls from the NCIS switchboard. I ran all the phone numbers for everyone with knowledge of the crime: Gibbs, Tony, Ziva, you, me, home, cell and office.
McGee: You ran your own home phone records?
Abby: Yeah. Gibbs orders.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: In a topsy-turvy world where nothing is as it seems, the one place you can turn to is the wall! [slaps his hands on the NCIS Most Wanted wall]
Ziva: We ran his prints. The coma man is indeed Jonathan Siravo.
Tony: Yes. The master of pirates can't change his diapers, but running an international crime syndicate?! That he can do in his sleep! [glares] You lied to me, wall!
Ziva: We ran his prints. The coma man is indeed Jonathan Siravo.
Tony: Yes. The master of pirates can't change his diapers, but running an international crime syndicate?! That he can do in his sleep! [glares] You lied to me, wall!
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Oh, I remember those days. When I was carefree and full of joy. I envy you, Tony.
Tony: Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?
McGee: Is everything okay?
Abby: No. Frank is sick.
Ziva: Who is Frank?
Abby: My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally going to the dentist.
Tony: You name your teeth?
Abby: You don't?
Tony: Why are you dressed for a funeral, Abby?
McGee: Is everything okay?
Abby: No. Frank is sick.
Ziva: Who is Frank?
Abby: My mandibular second molar. It's been killing me for a week. I'm finally going to the dentist.
Tony: You name your teeth?
Abby: You don't?
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: This is nice. Being able to work without Tony's incessant babbling. It is almost as if he cannot go on for more than thirty seconds without hearing his own voice. You know, the truly amazing thing is that he fails to realize just how irritating he is to those around him.
Gibbs: Ziva!
Ziva: Yes, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Babbling.
Gibbs: Ziva!
Ziva: Yes, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Babbling.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Heller made the bullet and I made the gun.
Tony: Huh. Assassination made easy, but I mean really, a gun would be easier.
Gibbs: He didn't build it to kill someone.
Tony: He built it to sell it.
Abby: [sarcastically] Perfect. Hi, I'm Abby Sciuto: International bio-weapons dealer.
Tony: Huh. Assassination made easy, but I mean really, a gun would be easier.
Gibbs: He didn't build it to kill someone.
Tony: He built it to sell it.
Abby: [sarcastically] Perfect. Hi, I'm Abby Sciuto: International bio-weapons dealer.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Did I miss it?
Ziva: No, he's letting him sit.
Abby: Sit?! He gets a chair? He -- he kills bunnies!!
Ziva: No, he's letting him sit.
Abby: Sit?! He gets a chair? He -- he kills bunnies!!
TV Show: NCIS
[As they walk into the squad room]
McGee: Tony, I am not arguing with you.
Tony: You're arguing now.
McGee: No I am not.
Tony: Are too.
McGee: This is not an argument.
Tony: Yes it is.
McGee: (exasperated) No, it's not.
Tony: Yes. It is. (phone rings) Hang on...
[Tony proceeds to answer Ziva's phone for her, teasing her as she walks up about the man on the other end before she snatches it]
Tony: (wanders to McGee's desk) What were we arguing about before?
McGee: (gives him a look) We were not arguing.
Tony: Oh, right. Yes we were.
McGee: Do you understand that that's what we were arguing about? The fact that you will argue about the least little thing. Sometimes you will argue about nothing at all... you just want to argue.
Tony: That's not arguing, McContrary. C'mon. Have a little insight. That's bantering.
McGee: No, it's not. 'Banter' is light-hearted, witty repartee.
Tony: (grins) Go onnn...
McGee: (looks annoyed for a moment, then gives up and smirks) It's your turn to get the coffee. Go.
McGee: Tony, I am not arguing with you.
Tony: You're arguing now.
McGee: No I am not.
Tony: Are too.
McGee: This is not an argument.
Tony: Yes it is.
McGee: (exasperated) No, it's not.
Tony: Yes. It is. (phone rings) Hang on...
[Tony proceeds to answer Ziva's phone for her, teasing her as she walks up about the man on the other end before she snatches it]
Tony: (wanders to McGee's desk) What were we arguing about before?
McGee: (gives him a look) We were not arguing.
Tony: Oh, right. Yes we were.
McGee: Do you understand that that's what we were arguing about? The fact that you will argue about the least little thing. Sometimes you will argue about nothing at all... you just want to argue.
Tony: That's not arguing, McContrary. C'mon. Have a little insight. That's bantering.
McGee: No, it's not. 'Banter' is light-hearted, witty repartee.
Tony: (grins) Go onnn...
McGee: (looks annoyed for a moment, then gives up and smirks) It's your turn to get the coffee. Go.
TV Show: NCIS