NCIS Quotes
Tony: [after Ziva turns off the sound from the interview room] Thanks. I was getting a headache.
Ziva: Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV at work, as you call it.
Tony: Well, people change, Ziva.
Ziva: Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have his new Tony. Who arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?
Tony: I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we're in the middle of a case.
Ziva: It has not stopped you before.
Tony: Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!
Ziva: Everyone?
Tony: Everyone! You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world. Everyone!
Ziva: Brenda.
Tony: Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed relationship last year.
Ziva: Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed to was a one night stand.
Tony: That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself into a depression treatment facility after she wrapped her car around a tree. Nice one, huh?
Ziva: And you feel responsible.
Tony: No! I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.
Ziva: Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.
Tony: It's clear now, isn't it?
Ziva: Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the time, especially since it is your job to help people who are in trouble.
Tony: I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.
Ziva: Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just -- [paus
Ziva: Really?? This is usually your favorite part. Getting to watch reality TV at work, as you call it.
Tony: Well, people change, Ziva.
Ziva: Yes. But not that quickly. And yet here we have his new Tony. Who arrives early, stays late, turns down advances from beautiful women, and has not made a single joke in the past, what, two days?
Tony: I haven't? Are you sure? Well, we're in the middle of a case.
Ziva: It has not stopped you before.
Tony: Well, it's stopping me now, and I'm sorry if you're losing sleep over it, but I can't be responsible for everyone's feelings!
Ziva: Everyone?
Tony: Everyone! You, and McGee, and the Brenda Bittner's of the world. Everyone!
Ziva: Brenda.
Tony: Yeah. Bittner. The girl who posted online that we were in a committed relationship last year.
Ziva: Yes! Yes, but if I remember correctly, the only thing you were committed to was a one night stand.
Tony: That's right. [clears throat] I just found out that she checked herself into a depression treatment facility after she wrapped her car around a tree. Nice one, huh?
Ziva: And you feel responsible.
Tony: No! I barely knew the girl. I'm just saying.
Ziva: Well, clearly she was a troubled woman.
Tony: It's clear now, isn't it?
Ziva: Still, it must be unsettling to think that you didn't notice at the time, especially since it is your job to help people who are in trouble.
Tony: I don't know why this has gotten under my skin like this. I mean, of all things. Maybe instead of having a mid-life crisis I'm having a mid-life crazy.
Ziva: Look, you are not crazy, okay? You are just -- [paus
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony looks pensively at Ziva's desk]
McGee: So, where is she?
Tony: [starts] Who?
McGee: Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.
Tony: Oh! Ziva. Gosh, I hadn't noticed.
McGee: You are lying.
Tony: McGoo, I have better things to do than obsess about the whereabouts of our little miss fancy-pants Ziva.
McGee: Like what?
Tony: Well, for starters, there's lunch. Today I'm picking falafel.
McGee: Tony.
Tony: All right. She spent the weekend with him.
McGee: Who?
Tony: The sire of South Beach. The king of Key West. The man with the mister -- I'm running out of things to call him.
McGee: So, where is she?
Tony: [starts] Who?
McGee: Tony, Ziva's been gone since Thursday.
Tony: Oh! Ziva. Gosh, I hadn't noticed.
McGee: You are lying.
Tony: McGoo, I have better things to do than obsess about the whereabouts of our little miss fancy-pants Ziva.
McGee: Like what?
Tony: Well, for starters, there's lunch. Today I'm picking falafel.
McGee: Tony.
Tony: All right. She spent the weekend with him.
McGee: Who?
Tony: The sire of South Beach. The king of Key West. The man with the mister -- I'm running out of things to call him.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: [kisses Abby's cheek] Thank you, Abs.
Dr. Walter Magnus: He -- he just kissed her.
Ducky: Consider it an innocent gesture of endearment.
Dr. Walter Magnus: He -- he just kissed her.
Ducky: Consider it an innocent gesture of endearment.
TV Show: NCIS
[McGee sneezes]
Tony: Cover your mouth.
McGee: I'm allergic to sawdust. Mostly pine. I'm better with hardwoods. You know, walnut, oak.
Tony: Were you a sickly child? Because I'm betting you were a sickly child.
McGee: I need my inhaler.
Tony: I want Ziva back.
Tony: Cover your mouth.
McGee: I'm allergic to sawdust. Mostly pine. I'm better with hardwoods. You know, walnut, oak.
Tony: Were you a sickly child? Because I'm betting you were a sickly child.
McGee: I need my inhaler.
Tony: I want Ziva back.
TV Show: NCIS
Dr. Cranston: The thing that puzzles me, with all this change, allegiance to country, of the type of men you're drawn to, what is it that you are looking for? What is it that you want?
Ziva: I want something permanent; something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?
Ziva: I want something permanent; something that can't be taken away. Is that too much to ask?
TV Show: NCIS
Dr. Cranston: What do you see when you look at him, Agent DiNozzo?
Tony: A man works his whole life, dedicates himself to his job, and then has nothing to show for it.
Dr. Cranston: How does that make you feel?
Tony: Afraid. I'm a good agent, Dr. Cranston. A really good one.
Dr. Cranston: I know. So do a lot of other people. Maybe Agent Todd was hard on you because she knew what you were really capable of. Too bad she never got a chance to tell you.
Tony: I think I just realized who you are, Rachel.
Tony: A man works his whole life, dedicates himself to his job, and then has nothing to show for it.
Dr. Cranston: How does that make you feel?
Tony: Afraid. I'm a good agent, Dr. Cranston. A really good one.
Dr. Cranston: I know. So do a lot of other people. Maybe Agent Todd was hard on you because she knew what you were really capable of. Too bad she never got a chance to tell you.
Tony: I think I just realized who you are, Rachel.
TV Show: NCIS
Kate: How was I supposed to know what you were planning?
Tony: Well, we're a team, Kate! You're supposed to follow my lead.
Kate: Oh, even when I don't know where it's going?
Tony: Especially then.
Tony: Well, we're a team, Kate! You're supposed to follow my lead.
Kate: Oh, even when I don't know where it's going?
Tony: Especially then.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Stand right here. Look down. Do you feel that? Right there?
Dr. Cranston: What?
Gibbs: This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot her own brother. That, doc, is closure. The rest is just memories. Nothing wrong with memories.
Dr. Cranston: What?
Gibbs: This is where the guy who murdered Kate died. This is where Ziva shot her own brother. That, doc, is closure. The rest is just memories. Nothing wrong with memories.
TV Show: NCIS
Dr. Cranston: Man walks into a bar. Asks the bartender for a glass of water, bartender pulls out a shotgun, fires a blast just missing the man, man says "thank you" puts a tip on the bar and exits. Why the '"thank you"? Why the tip?
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: I hope you didn't break his computer. He doesn't like that thing even when it's working.
McGee: I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.
Ziva: [laughs] Your horoscope?
Tony: What else did it say?
McGee: Avoid new relationships, which after last week probably isn't a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?
Tony: Oh, just that you think you have a choice.
Ziva: And that you read your horoscope.
McGee: Oh, just for fun, but it has been interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?
Tony: Same thing.
McGee: Thanks for the confidence, Tony.
McGee: I should have listened to my horoscope. It said I should stay home today.
Ziva: [laughs] Your horoscope?
Tony: What else did it say?
McGee: Avoid new relationships, which after last week probably isn't a bad idea either. [looks up as Tony laughs] What's so funny?
Tony: Oh, just that you think you have a choice.
Ziva: And that you read your horoscope.
McGee: Oh, just for fun, but it has been interesting. I have been thinking about taking a break from dating for a while. [makes a face as Tony laughs again] Okay, now what's so funny?
Tony: Same thing.
McGee: Thanks for the confidence, Tony.
TV Show: NCIS
Ziva: I would like to have seen Gibbs shoot that computer.
McGee: Well, if I don't get his email working you may get a second chance.
Ziva: I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost three hours before the firemen were able to open up the fire doors.
Tony: And you loved every second of it.
McGee: Well, if I don't get his email working you may get a second chance.
Ziva: I almost shot Tony last night. We were stuck for almost three hours before the firemen were able to open up the fire doors.
Tony: And you loved every second of it.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: No, I saw what happened! You and I were having a conversation, we're trying to work something out.
Ziva: Yeah! It is a violation. There is an expectation of privacy in our own office.
Tony: And she's just chatting away, right over the hedge.
Ziva: It is over the edge!!
Tony: Actually, it's over the top, but it's pushing you over the edge.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: And you know what I think? [walks into the lab to hear McGee and Abby speaking] What are you guys talking about?
Abby: Um, tanning hides. You?
Ziva: The same.
Tony: Easy.
Ziva: Yeah! It is a violation. There is an expectation of privacy in our own office.
Tony: And she's just chatting away, right over the hedge.
Ziva: It is over the edge!!
Tony: Actually, it's over the top, but it's pushing you over the edge.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: And you know what I think? [walks into the lab to hear McGee and Abby speaking] What are you guys talking about?
Abby: Um, tanning hides. You?
Ziva: The same.
Tony: Easy.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: So something interested here here, huh?
Gibbs: There's a couple of options, but I like this desk. Old growth wood. Craftsman made.
Ziva: [gasps] It belonged to William Faulkner! I love his writing!
Tony: Total genius.
Ziva: Yes! It was worth learning English just for The Sound and the Fury, or that chapter in As I Lay Dying. You know, the one with the five words where Vardaman says "My mother is a fish!"
Tony: I don't really like his books much, but I'm a big fan of the movies he made based on other people's books. Like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have Not. I mean, he gave us Bogey and Bacall. God bless you, William Faulkner.
Gibbs: There's a couple of options, but I like this desk. Old growth wood. Craftsman made.
Ziva: [gasps] It belonged to William Faulkner! I love his writing!
Tony: Total genius.
Ziva: Yes! It was worth learning English just for The Sound and the Fury, or that chapter in As I Lay Dying. You know, the one with the five words where Vardaman says "My mother is a fish!"
Tony: I don't really like his books much, but I'm a big fan of the movies he made based on other people's books. Like The Big Sleep and To Have and Have Not. I mean, he gave us Bogey and Bacall. God bless you, William Faulkner.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: What do you got?
Abby: Other than my respect and adulation for human's ability to engineer teeny, tiny parts made of nothing but sand?
Gibbs: [looking down at a touchpad computer] Is it dead or alive?
Abby: It's neither. It's like a zombie, Gibbs; if you don't kill the brain, it doesn't die.
Abby: Other than my respect and adulation for human's ability to engineer teeny, tiny parts made of nothing but sand?
Gibbs: [looking down at a touchpad computer] Is it dead or alive?
Abby: It's neither. It's like a zombie, Gibbs; if you don't kill the brain, it doesn't die.
TV Show: NCIS
[Gibbs walks into Abby's lab with a scorched book from the crime scene]
Gibbs: Hey Abs, brought you a book.
Abby: Oh...great...you know, it's supposed to be burnt after reading, not before?
Gibbs: Hey Abs, brought you a book.
Abby: Oh...great...you know, it's supposed to be burnt after reading, not before?
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony and Ziva are Abby's lab attempting to piece together the burnt pages of the book]
Ziva: Tony, you're hogging the end pieces!
Tony: That's because I start with the end pieces. Haven't you ever done a puzzle before? You go out to in.
Ziva: Have you ever done a puzzle before? Because you work in to out!
Abby: [laughing at their bickering] Will you guys stop? I'm trying to read here.
Ziva: Tony, you're hogging the end pieces!
Tony: That's because I start with the end pieces. Haven't you ever done a puzzle before? You go out to in.
Ziva: Have you ever done a puzzle before? Because you work in to out!
Abby: [laughing at their bickering] Will you guys stop? I'm trying to read here.
TV Show: NCIS
[Tony is hiding in a shower cubicle in a secret attempt to read Gibbs' invitation. Ziva realizes this and pulls the curtain back on him.]
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Ziva.
Ziva: You're in the women's shower fully clothed and you are holding Gibbs' mail.
Tony: What's your point?
Ziva: That letter's not for you to read.
Tony: I know, but there's so many questions to be answered. The happiest day in someone's life and they need Leroy Jethro Gibbs there to seal the deal? Doesn't make any sense.
Ziva: Right, so be honest. Surely you would Gibbs there at your wedding?
Tony: I don't know if a head slap coming down the aisle is the ideal Kodak moment.
Ziva: Tony.
Tony: Ziva.
Ziva: You're in the women's shower fully clothed and you are holding Gibbs' mail.
Tony: What's your point?
Ziva: That letter's not for you to read.
Tony: I know, but there's so many questions to be answered. The happiest day in someone's life and they need Leroy Jethro Gibbs there to seal the deal? Doesn't make any sense.
Ziva: Right, so be honest. Surely you would Gibbs there at your wedding?
Tony: I don't know if a head slap coming down the aisle is the ideal Kodak moment.
TV Show: NCIS
Ducky: Cellular communication, text messaging, squeaking...
Palmer: Tweeting, Doctor. Like the little yellow canary and the puddy cat. I used to love that cartoon...
Palmer: Tweeting, Doctor. Like the little yellow canary and the puddy cat. I used to love that cartoon...
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Sounds like you're getting pretty serious.
Ziva: I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He is taking me to the opera.
Tony: The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?
Ziva: I am happy Ray is happy. We are meeting in New York next weekend. He is taking me to the opera.
Tony: The opera?! Wow! Does his boyfriend know about you?
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: You CIA?
Ray Cruz: Just celebrated my thirteenth year, sir.
Tony: That's funny. Ziva failed to mention your line of work.
Ray: It's what I do. It's not who I am.
Tony: That's a very zen, new-agey kind of attitude for someone who instals puppet regimes for a living.
Ziva: Okay. Gibbs, can I give Ray a tour?
Gibbs: Yeah, sure. Don't lose him.
Ray: It's been a pleasure meeting all of you.
Tony: Huh. So it's not Renaissance Ray. It's CIA Ray. He's CIRay!
McGee: You really should get that checked out. It's like a bad tick or something.
Tony: Something about this guy, boss. His smile is disturbing. I haven't seen a smile like that since Christan Bale's barely audible Batman in The Dark Knight.
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Tony: Right. Back to work. (in Batman voice) It's what I do. It's not who I am. (normally) Huh.
Ray Cruz: Just celebrated my thirteenth year, sir.
Tony: That's funny. Ziva failed to mention your line of work.
Ray: It's what I do. It's not who I am.
Tony: That's a very zen, new-agey kind of attitude for someone who instals puppet regimes for a living.
Ziva: Okay. Gibbs, can I give Ray a tour?
Gibbs: Yeah, sure. Don't lose him.
Ray: It's been a pleasure meeting all of you.
Tony: Huh. So it's not Renaissance Ray. It's CIA Ray. He's CIRay!
McGee: You really should get that checked out. It's like a bad tick or something.
Tony: Something about this guy, boss. His smile is disturbing. I haven't seen a smile like that since Christan Bale's barely audible Batman in The Dark Knight.
Gibbs: DiNozzo.
Tony: Right. Back to work. (in Batman voice) It's what I do. It's not who I am. (normally) Huh.
TV Show: NCIS
Ray: You know, I want Ziva's friends to become my friends. She's told me how close the two of you are.
Tony: [Laughing] I wouldn't say that.
Ray: She says you're like a brother to her.
(Tony looks troubled)
Tony: [Laughing] I wouldn't say that.
Ray: She says you're like a brother to her.
(Tony looks troubled)
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Change, Gibbs. Change makes me itch. It always has. It's Agent Barrett. I'm not a fan. I mean, of change. Her I don't mind. She's feisty for someone so small, and I like that. Not that I like her, because I don't really.
Gibbs: Abby.
Abby: Not like I like you.
Gibbs: Abs. [hugs her]
Abby: I like our family just the way it is.
Gibbs: Nothing's going to change.
Gibbs: Abby.
Abby: Not like I like you.
Gibbs: Abs. [hugs her]
Abby: I like our family just the way it is.
Gibbs: Nothing's going to change.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Salads are not stakeout food.
Ziva: Well, they should be. [motioning at his sandwich] At least they don't stink up the car.
Tony: [offers an onion ring] Want one?
Ziva: No!
Tony: Your loss.
Ziva: Did Gibbs say anything to you about Agent Barrett? You know, dating?
Tony: No.
Ziva: [sighs] Are you sure he knows?
Tony: He's Gibbs. He knows everything. He did read her the riot act, though.
Ziva: Well, that's not good, Tony. I mean, you should talk to Gibbs. You and him go way back! I mean, it's like the big rhinoceros in the room that no one wants to talk about.
Tony: Elephant.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: It's an elephant in the room. It's not a hippopotamus, it's not a rhinoceros. It's an elephant.
Ziva: Well, they should be. [motioning at his sandwich] At least they don't stink up the car.
Tony: [offers an onion ring] Want one?
Ziva: No!
Tony: Your loss.
Ziva: Did Gibbs say anything to you about Agent Barrett? You know, dating?
Tony: No.
Ziva: [sighs] Are you sure he knows?
Tony: He's Gibbs. He knows everything. He did read her the riot act, though.
Ziva: Well, that's not good, Tony. I mean, you should talk to Gibbs. You and him go way back! I mean, it's like the big rhinoceros in the room that no one wants to talk about.
Tony: Elephant.
Ziva: Huh?
Tony: It's an elephant in the room. It's not a hippopotamus, it's not a rhinoceros. It's an elephant.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: I've always thought that the head slaps were sign of affection. Today in the squad room I was expecting one and I didn't get it. Are you pissed at me?
Gibbs: Rule number twelve.
Tony: Never date a co-worker. [laughs] Yeah, I know. She's pretty great, though. E.J. and I have a lot in common. She's easy to be with. It's nice having someone to talk to. NCIS doesn't have any policy against it. I mean, there are married agents, and technically E.J. and I don't work together. We're on separate teams.
Gibbs: My team. My rules. [ignores phone call from Abby] Sleeping with Barrett is a bad idea.
Tony: No offense, but my personal life is my business.
Gibbs: It's going to effect your work.
Tony: No, it won't.
Gibbs: It already has.
Tony: I know what you're thinking: that I've lost focus, that I've taken my eye off the ball.
Gibbs: I depend on you.
Gibbs: Rule number twelve.
Tony: Never date a co-worker. [laughs] Yeah, I know. She's pretty great, though. E.J. and I have a lot in common. She's easy to be with. It's nice having someone to talk to. NCIS doesn't have any policy against it. I mean, there are married agents, and technically E.J. and I don't work together. We're on separate teams.
Gibbs: My team. My rules. [ignores phone call from Abby] Sleeping with Barrett is a bad idea.
Tony: No offense, but my personal life is my business.
Gibbs: It's going to effect your work.
Tony: No, it won't.
Gibbs: It already has.
Tony: I know what you're thinking: that I've lost focus, that I've taken my eye off the ball.
Gibbs: I depend on you.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Listen, we have to kind of cool it around the office from now on. You know what I mean?
EJ: You mean around Gibbs. He intimidates you.
Tony: Let's just say he presents a challenge. He sees what he shouldn't see. Hears what he shouldn't hear. He's like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow, and the shadow always knows.
EJ: You're scared of him.
Tony: [nods] Yep!
EJ: I'm not.
Tony: You should be.
EJ: You mean around Gibbs. He intimidates you.
Tony: Let's just say he presents a challenge. He sees what he shouldn't see. Hears what he shouldn't hear. He's like Alec Baldwin in The Shadow, and the shadow always knows.
EJ: You're scared of him.
Tony: [nods] Yep!
EJ: I'm not.
Tony: You should be.
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Look, I'm just saying that I think Tony is more upset than he's letting on.
Ziva: Yes, but he and his partner had not spoken in years.
McGee: Okay, let's say you and I hadn't spoken in years, and I get my throat slit by a serial killer.
Ziva: I would hunt him down, and make him regret the day he was born. You're not just any partner, McGee!
McGee: Neither is Tony.
Ziva: Yes, but he and his partner had not spoken in years.
McGee: Okay, let's say you and I hadn't spoken in years, and I get my throat slit by a serial killer.
Ziva: I would hunt him down, and make him regret the day he was born. You're not just any partner, McGee!
McGee: Neither is Tony.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: [reading his fortune cookie message] Love is for the lucky and the brave. Why is that for me?
Danny: Hey man, asking your high school music teacher out qualifies as brave in my book.
Tony: Wendy asked me out, remember?
Danny: See, that's why you can dress like that. 'Cause you're good-looking, but one of these days, the looks are going to run out.
Tony: I plan to be safely married by then.
Danny: Well if not, you might want to consider a new wardrobe. Seriously. Yeah, with the right clothes, you'd be unstoppable.
Danny: Hey man, asking your high school music teacher out qualifies as brave in my book.
Tony: Wendy asked me out, remember?
Danny: See, that's why you can dress like that. 'Cause you're good-looking, but one of these days, the looks are going to run out.
Tony: I plan to be safely married by then.
Danny: Well if not, you might want to consider a new wardrobe. Seriously. Yeah, with the right clothes, you'd be unstoppable.
TV Show: NCIS