NCIS Quotes
Bartender: Some man raped and murdered her!? [looks at Tony who has been hitting on her]
Tony: It wasn't me!
Tony: It wasn't me!
TV Show: NCIS
FBI Agent Fornell: Anyone ever told you you're an insufferable bastard?
Gibbs: [pleased] Yeah.
Gibbs: [pleased] Yeah.
TV Show: NCIS
FBI Agent: Are you always a smart-ass?
Tony: Only to you boys from the Hoover building.
Tony: Only to you boys from the Hoover building.
TV Show: NCIS
FBI Agent Fornell: Realising how sad this sounds, you're the closest thing I have to a friend, Gibbs.
TV Show: NCIS
[Kate and Tony go undercover posing as a trashy couple going for a paternity test.]
Kate: You writin' my name, right?
Tony: What? I just wanna know if it's mine. She kinda sleeps around a lot, if you know what I mean.
Kate: If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.
Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.
Kate: You slept with my sista!
Tony: I thought it was you!
Kate: She weighs 300 pounds.
Tony: She was wearing your earrings.
Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin' you.
Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.
Kate: Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.]
Tony: I'm sorry. She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same time.
Kate: You writin' my name, right?
Tony: What? I just wanna know if it's mine. She kinda sleeps around a lot, if you know what I mean.
Kate: If I did, it's cuz he ain't any good in bed.
Tony: Least I didn't sleep with my cousin.
Kate: You slept with my sista!
Tony: I thought it was you!
Kate: She weighs 300 pounds.
Tony: She was wearing your earrings.
Receptionist: That's enough! If you two can't be civil, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Kate: Look, is there anywhere I can wait away from him? Please? I'm beggin' you.
Receptionist: There's an empty exam room behind you two doors on the right.
Kate: Thank you. [She flings her gum at Tony as she leaves.]
Tony: I'm sorry. She slept with my brother. And my best friend. At the same time.
TV Show: NCIS
Kate: Wow, I thought you were the only one who could piss him off like that.
Tony: You never met his second wife.
Tony: You never met his second wife.
TV Show: NCIS
Jimmy Napalitano: I'll kill your brothers, your uncles, your father, and after the funerals I'll kill you.
Gibbs: No brothers. No uncles. My father passed years ago. I do have three ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [we hear the sound of Jimmy hanging up] Huh! He hung up!
Gibbs: No brothers. No uncles. My father passed years ago. I do have three ex-wives whose names and addresses I will gladly fax on to you. [we hear the sound of Jimmy hanging up] Huh! He hung up!
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: I want double overtime for this, boss. That kid's a nightmare.
Gibbs: He reminds me of you.
Gibbs: He reminds me of you.
TV Show: NCIS
Jimmy: Yeah. When I was a kid, I used to bury our pets under our porch till my mom found out. She was pretty upset.
Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?
Jimmy: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.
Ducky: They didn't want you to bury your pets?
Jimmy: No. We lived on the tenth floor of an apartment building.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: (after attempting a technical explanation to Gibbs, gives up) Machine making pretty pictures now.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: It's more addictive than pistachios.
[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]
Abby: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?
[Odd looks from Gibbs and McGee]
Abby: Well, have you ever just eaten one pistachio?
TV Show: NCIS
Kate: (whispering) What are you doing?!
Tony: Uh... listening.
Kate: That is just wrong.
Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.]
Tony: Uh... listening.
Kate: That is just wrong.
Tony: Sneaking your horny boyfriend into a house filled with armed federal agents who are on the lookout for Al-Qaeda assassins, that's wrong, Kate. Me, I'm just trying to gather some valuable intel so I can do my job better.
[They both nod, then put their ears to the door.]
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Come on, Corporal. Let a Gunny buy you dinner.
Ernie Yost: You... you were never an officer?
Gibbs: Ah, hell no!
Ernie Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you.
Ernie Yost: You... you were never an officer?
Gibbs: Ah, hell no!
Ernie Yost: I knew there was something I liked about you.
TV Show: NCIS
Yost: It's not a water cooler, it's called scuttlebutt. How long you been in the Corps?
Tony: Since I met Gibbs.
Tony: Since I met Gibbs.
TV Show: NCIS
Ernie Yost: You conned me, Gunny.
Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?
Ernie Yost: You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it. [to Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima?
Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no.
Ernie Yost: [wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh...
Hiroshi Yoshida: Guadalcanal.
Gibbs: Nah. Would I do that to you?
Ernie Yost: You're damn right you would. And I want to thank you for it. [to Yoshida] And you were never on Iwo Jima?
Hiroshi Yoshida: Iwo Jima, no.
Ernie Yost: [wagging a finger at Gibbs] Ahhh...
Hiroshi Yoshida: Guadalcanal.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: So, I hear you're not a fan of SHC.
Gibbs: Is that a band?
Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs.
Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.
Gibbs: Doubt it...
Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.
Gibbs: Yeah? I bet you won't.
Abby: She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.
Gibbs: Is that a band?
Abby: Spontaneous Human Combustion.
Gibbs: Don't waste my time, Abbs.
Abby: If you ever read my master's thesis, you may become a believer.
Gibbs: Doubt it...
Abby: I can show you photos of what was left of a 240 pound woman.
Gibbs: Yeah? I bet you won't.
Abby: She was sitting in a chair. All that was left were blackened seat springs, a section of back bone, one foot, still in a satin slipper, and ten pounds of ashes. The rest of her apartment was untouched.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: You know, I was thinking about becoming a doctor.
Kate: Really? You, a doctor?
Tony: Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.
Kate: [laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?
Tony: Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.
McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.
Tony: Of course you did, Probie.
Kate: Really? You, a doctor?
Tony: Anthony DiNozzo, comma, M.D.
Kate: [laughs] Let me guess, a gynecologist?
Tony: Oooh... no. I was thinking more dermatologist. Normal hours, big bucks, never an emergency. I mean, nobody ever died from a zit.
McGee: I had a terrible case of acne as a kid.
Tony: Of course you did, Probie.
TV Show: NCIS
Palmer: [to a dead body] I'm going to have to lock you up for the night, Commander.
Abby: [in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!
[Palmer jumps back]
Palmer: Abby! You made me almost...
Abby: [smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?
Abby: [in a deep voice] NO! Don't put me back in the dark!
[Palmer jumps back]
Palmer: Abby! You made me almost...
Abby: [smiling] I made you almost what...? [in a deep voice] Jimmy?
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: Jeremy Davison has no criminal record, Gibbs. He's a civilian, he has no ties to the military, his prints don't match any open casefiles. The boy doesn't even have a speeding ticket. I mean, we're talking cleaner than clean. Whiter than white. You could put him in the lineup with snow, snow is going to jail.
Gibbs: Or it just means he's never been caught.
Abby: [resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.
Gibbs: Or it just means he's never been caught.
Abby: [resignedly] Or it just means he was never caught.
TV Show: NCIS
Abby: [referring to an online fantasy site] I did a little trial and error with Laura Rowan's screen name, HomeAlone325, and Jeremy Davison's, NiceGuy653. Care to guess which fetish they have in common, Kate?
Kate: No, no. I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.
Kate: No, no. I'm going to hell just listening to all of this.
TV Show: NCIS
Tony: Kate, Kate?
Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate?
Tony: My dog. She must have run away after the crash.
Motorcycle Rider: What does she look like?
Tony: A Shih-Tzu.
Motorcycle Rider: A what?
Tony: Long brown hair, kinda mangy?
Motorcycle Rider: Who's Kate?
Tony: My dog. She must have run away after the crash.
Motorcycle Rider: What does she look like?
Tony: A Shih-Tzu.
Motorcycle Rider: A what?
Tony: Long brown hair, kinda mangy?
TV Show: NCIS
[Kate screams.]
Abby: Is something wrong?
Kate: Gibbs is driving.
Abby: I'm sending a prayer in many languages.
Abby: Is something wrong?
Kate: Gibbs is driving.
Abby: I'm sending a prayer in many languages.
TV Show: NCIS
Gibbs: Abs, do you have him?
Abby: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?
Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.
Abby: [smug] Are you seriously asking me that?
Gibbs: [deadpan] No, I called to flirt.
TV Show: NCIS
[McGee is talking to the Deputy Secretary of State in MTAC]
Deputy Secretary of State: And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?
McGee: He told me to tell you... stick it.
Deputy Secretary of State: You're telling me to...?
McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Mrs. Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.
[He signals to cut off the connection. The MTAC staff break into applause.]
Deputy Secretary of State: And what exactly did agent Gibbs tell you to say to me?
McGee: He told me to tell you... stick it.
Deputy Secretary of State: You're telling me to...?
McGee: Stick it! Thank you, Mrs. Secretary of State, our conversation is now over.
[He signals to cut off the connection. The MTAC staff break into applause.]
TV Show: NCIS
McGee: Boss, I told her. The Deputy Secretary of State.
Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?
McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.
Gibbs: McGee... Good job.
Gibbs: Yeah. Did it work?
McGee: Well, she submitted a formal complaint to the Director.
Gibbs: McGee... Good job.
TV Show: NCIS