NewsRadio Quotes
Mr. James: You are totally under siege out there! It's just like that movie. What's its name?
Dave: "Under Siege"?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: "Under Siege 2"?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: "Under Siege 3"?
Mr. James: That's the one.
Lisa: I don't think they made an "Under Siege 3".
Mr. James: Hey, I can dream, can't I?
Dave: "Under Siege"?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: "Under Siege 2"?
Mr. James: No.
Dave: "Under Siege 3"?
Mr. James: That's the one.
Lisa: I don't think they made an "Under Siege 3".
Mr. James: Hey, I can dream, can't I?
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Maybe you should lay off those sandwiches.
Bill: No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12: 41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
Dave: Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?
Bill: I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
Dave: No it hasn't.
Bill: Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!
Dave: You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?
Bill: Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?
Dave: Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.
Bill: I did!
Bill: No, that's just it. I finished the last one at 12: 41 last night. Ever since, things have been happening to my body.
Dave: Would it be impolite at this point in the conversation to just run away from you?
Bill: I think my system got used to its hourly fix of artificial preservatives. My body has started to age incredibly rapidly.
Dave: No it hasn't.
Bill: Yes it has. We're running out of time, look! Help me, I'm begging you!
Dave: You actually dyed you hair grey to convince me to bring back the sandwich machine?
Bill: Yes, I did! Now do you understand how important this is to me?
Dave: Only if you dyed all your hair grey to match.
Bill: I did!
TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: They're an acquired taste. Like a good wine or cheese, a sandwich needs to be properly aged. In the olden days, a country squire would age his pheasants for weeks before they were deemed fit for consumption.
Lisa: In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
Bill: All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.
Lisa: In the olden days, people used to die of ptomaine poisoning and blamed it on ghosts.
Bill: All this talk about aged lunch meat and ghosts has made me peckish. I'll be at the sandwich machine if I'm needed.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Matthew: I took third place in the costume contest last year.
Dave: Really? What was your costume?
Matthew: Motorcycle enthusiast.
Joe: Gay biker.
Dave: Really? What was your costume?
Matthew: Motorcycle enthusiast.
Joe: Gay biker.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Lisa: The problem is you look better in my dress than I do.
Dave: What?
Lisa: You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.
Dave: No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.
Dave: What?
Lisa: You do. I've never been able to wear that dress because I just couldn't pull it off and now you just look like a million bucks.
Dave: No. I look like a man in a dress, which is worth at most $150 on Ninth Avenue.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Joe, why don't you just call in a specialist?
Joe: I am a specialist.
Dave: At what?
Joe: At everything.
Joe: I am a specialist.
Dave: At what?
Joe: At everything.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: Mr. Caan!
James Caan: My father's Mr. Caan. Call me Jimmy.
Bill: Likewise.
James Caan: I'm sorry. I thought your name was Bill.
Bill: It is. Easy mistake to make.
James Caan: My father's Mr. Caan. Call me Jimmy.
Bill: Likewise.
James Caan: I'm sorry. I thought your name was Bill.
Bill: It is. Easy mistake to make.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Matthew: Oh, Dave, oh my, you would have loved it... a week in a foreign place, strange people, strange customs.
Dave: I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.
Matthew: Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.
Dave: Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.
Dave: I know exactly what you mean, I've been to Canada.
Matthew: Trust me, Japan is even more exotic.
Dave: Clearly you've never been to Winnipeg.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Beth: Doesn't he wonder how the candy got there?
Mr. James: Nah, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurrence.
Mr. James: Nah, I think in Matthew's world candy elves are a common occurrence.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Lisa: You're Canadian?
Mr. James: I am?
Lisa: Not you, sir. Him.
Mr. James: Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?
Dave: Yeah.
Lisa: Then what is this all about?
Dave: What's what all ab- uh... What's what?
Lisa: You're afraid to say it, aren't you.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Yes, you are.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".
Dave: No.
Lisa: Say it.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Say "out".
Dave: No.
Lisa: House. Couch.
Dave: Your honor, I plead the fifth.
Lisa: I don't know if you have that right.
Dave: I do too, eh.
Mr. James: Oh my God.
Mr. James: I am?
Lisa: Not you, sir. Him.
Mr. James: Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?
Dave: Yeah.
Lisa: Then what is this all about?
Dave: What's what all ab- uh... What's what?
Lisa: You're afraid to say it, aren't you.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Yes, you are.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".
Dave: No.
Lisa: Say it.
Dave: No.
Lisa: Say "out".
Dave: No.
Lisa: House. Couch.
Dave: Your honor, I plead the fifth.
Lisa: I don't know if you have that right.
Dave: I do too, eh.
Mr. James: Oh my God.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Well, you've got me, alright? Yes, yes, I'm Canadian. And I'm actually 46 years old, I'm secretly married and have two children living in New Jersey and at night I patrol the streets of Gotham City in my customized Davemobile.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: It's not garbage. It's rap music. And I love it. The pulsating rhythms, raw bass line. This stuff speaks to me in places I didn't even know I had ears.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: Another time I was cut from the high school football team. And my mother said, "Central's lost a fullback, but the McNeals have gained a daughter".
TV Show: NewsRadio
Bill: You wouldn't know tough love if it stripped you to your jockeys and made you stand all night in the rain.
TV Show: NewsRadio
[Reading cards from the complaint box]
Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Joe: Hey.
Dave: [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
Lisa: I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Dave: Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.
[continues reading the complaint cards]
Dave: Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
Bill, Beth, Lisa, Matthew, Joe: SHAFT.
Bill: I thought we'd all enjoy that.
Dave: [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.
Dave: "You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."
Joe: Hey.
Dave: [pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."
Lisa: I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.
Dave: Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.
[continues reading the complaint cards]
Dave: Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."
Bill, Beth, Lisa, Matthew, Joe: SHAFT.
Bill: I thought we'd all enjoy that.
Dave: [reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?
Joe: Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!
Joe: Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!
TV Show: NewsRadio
Joe: Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?
Bill: Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-
Dave: Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.
Bill: Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.
Bill: Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-
Dave: Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.
Bill: Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"
Bill: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"
Bill: Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?
Bill: Have you ever heard the expression that only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?
Bill: Have you ever heard the expression that only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?
TV Show: NewsRadio
Andrew: [in a high-pitched voice] Hey, everybody! It's me...Matthew!
Joe: Dude, you're not Matthew.
Andrew: Okay, obviously.
Joe: Dude, you're not Matthew.
Andrew: Okay, obviously.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: [to Mr. James] Normally at a time like this I'd ask you for advice, and you'd say something that would make no sense at all, but somehow it would all fit together. Like, I would tell you, "Sir, I have a problem," and you'd say, "Well, what is it?" and I'd say, "Well, sir, Lisa wants to have a baby, but she doesn't want to get married," and you'd say "Dave, why milk the cow when you have a fridge full of steaks?" And I'd say, "Sir, that makes no sense," and you'd say, "Well, it sure made sense when that guy Chuck Connors said it in that movie Chinatown," and I'd say, "Sir, Chuck Connors wasn't in Chinatown," and you'd say, "Dave, if I wanted to have this conversation I'd have hired that guy Siskel Ebert to do your job," and I'd say, "Sir, Siskel and Ebert are two people," and you'd say, "Dave, just because the man is fat is no reason to make fun of him."
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: Can't you ever just be sincere and normal?
Bill: In real life? No.
Dave: What do you mean, in real life?
Bill: On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.
Dave: You do news, traffic, and weather.
Bill: But I mean it.
Bill: In real life? No.
Dave: What do you mean, in real life?
Bill: On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.
Dave: You do news, traffic, and weather.
Bill: But I mean it.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Dave: According to these numbers, when Bill's show comes on people turn off their car radios, pull over to the side of the road, abandon their vehicles and walk home rather than risk hearing another second.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Joe: There is a very specific way you deal with a woman like that. You get down on your hands and knees and beg her to have sex with you.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Brent: I like to try to categorize people by the animal they could be if they tried a little harder.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Joe: Look, man, I don't care what you say about me, but making fun of alien technology is just stupid.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Catherine: (reading the news) Tragedy struck today in Sector 9 as rebel terrorists blew up the Death Star killing thousands. The Rebel Alliance, a fringe group of Anti-Empire fanatics, has claimed responsibility for the terrorist act. Fortunately Lord Vader escaped without harm. Our hearts go out to the families of the victims.
TV Show: NewsRadio
Joe: No matter how far technology advances it's still just a bunch of wires connected to other wires.
Beth: So what's wrong with it?
Joe: I can't seem to find any wires.
Beth: So what's wrong with it?
Joe: I can't seem to find any wires.
TV Show: NewsRadio