Only Fools and Horses Quotes
Rodney: No, it's a boy alright. Rosemary's Baby was on the telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks time, we'll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It'll be sitting in it's cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gung up the wall. they're bound to call it Damien.
Uncle Albert: (as if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him Rodney.
Rodney: Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.
Uncle Albert: (as if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him Rodney.
Rodney: Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: It's a baby, Raquel.
Raquel: I've been wondering what that swelling was.
Raquel: I've been wondering what that swelling was.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Who is it, friend or enema? [cackles] Geddit? - friend or enema!
Raquel: Shut up, Del.
Del Boy: Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. [opens the door to find Albert]
Albert: The specialists are on their way, Del.
Del Boy: Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.
Raquel: Shut up, Del.
Del Boy: Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. [opens the door to find Albert]
Albert: The specialists are on their way, Del.
Del Boy: Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here.
Midwife: I know. That's why I'm here.
Del Boy: What are you, a pervo, or something?!
Nurse: This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.
Del Boy: But he's a bloke!
Midwife: I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.
Midwife: I know. That's why I'm here.
Del Boy: What are you, a pervo, or something?!
Nurse: This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.
Del Boy: But he's a bloke!
Midwife: I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Raquel: [panting] Just let him do his job, Del.
Del Boy: No, he's a bloke!
Raquel: I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!
Del Boy: No, he's a bloke!
Raquel: I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (to his newborn son, Damien) I've mucked about all my life, and I never knew the reason why until now. This is what it's all about. I was born for this moment. Yes. Oh we're gonna have such fun, we are, you mark my words. This time next year we'll be millionaires.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Is it...normal?
Del Boy: What do you mean, normal?
Rodney: No...numbers or anything?
Del Boy: What do you think this is? A bloody raffle?
Del Boy: What do you mean, normal?
Rodney: No...numbers or anything?
Del Boy: What do you think this is? A bloody raffle?
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Boycie: Everything was going well, we were having a lovely holiday...
Marlene: (cuts in) Shuddup moaning.
Boycie: And then they (the Trotter brothers) turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shootin' at us!
Marlene: You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington!
Boycie: Get that bloody boat in for God's sake!
Marlene: (cuts in) Shuddup moaning.
Boycie: And then they (the Trotter brothers) turn up! And within fifteen seconds some sod's shootin' at us!
Marlene: You've done nothing but moan ever since we left Washington!
Boycie: Get that bloody boat in for God's sake!
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Denzil: That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!
Trigger: Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager has got to do with it anyway.
Trigger: Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager has got to do with it anyway.
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Denzil: This could be anything, Trig! For all we know this could be... Well, this could be bloody Concorde fuel!
Del Boy: No, honest, its not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the Starship Enterprise!
Del Boy: No, honest, its not Concorde fuel, it's anti-freeze from the Starship Enterprise!
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Trigger: When we were at school Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.
Denzil: Yes I remember. I was doing detention in there at the time.
Denzil: Yes I remember. I was doing detention in there at the time.
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Del Boy: It's closed!
Trigger: (checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.
Del Boy: What d'you mean "a bit late"? You said it was open twenty four hours a day.
Trigger: Yeah, but not at night!
Trigger: (checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.
Del Boy: What d'you mean "a bit late"? You said it was open twenty four hours a day.
Trigger: Yeah, but not at night!
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Rodney: We are not dealing with a normal person; this is DEREK TROTTER! Don't you understand, he is sucking the land dry! I'm expecting a visit from Lenny Henry and Bob Geldof any minute!
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Myles: First things first. We have to ascertain what kind of soil you have.
Del Boy: Well, it's this - earthy sort.
Del Boy: Well, it's this - earthy sort.
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Rodney: Well Trigger could be considered an expert.
Mike: Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.
Mike: Trigger still doesn't know which end of the dart to throw.
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Uncle Albert: You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.
Rodney: Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself Albert?
Uncle Albert: When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!
Rodney: You must have made more bloody noise than me then!
Rodney: Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself Albert?
Uncle Albert: When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!
Rodney: You must have made more bloody noise than me then!
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Sid: There we go Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold day.
Denzil: Cheers Sid. (looks at his bowl of porridge) There's a hair in this.
Sid: Giz it here.
Denzil: Here's another one.
Sid: Give it here.
Denzil: That's disgusting that is Sid. If the health authorities saw this they'd close you down.
Sid: I've been closed down for worse than that Denzil. (to Trigger) I hate these politically correct people.
Trigger: Yeah.
Sid: What'll it be Trig?
Trigger: Er. I'll try some of that porridge Sid.
Denzil: Cheers Sid. (looks at his bowl of porridge) There's a hair in this.
Sid: Giz it here.
Denzil: Here's another one.
Sid: Give it here.
Denzil: That's disgusting that is Sid. If the health authorities saw this they'd close you down.
Sid: I've been closed down for worse than that Denzil. (to Trigger) I hate these politically correct people.
Trigger: Yeah.
Sid: What'll it be Trig?
Trigger: Er. I'll try some of that porridge Sid.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: (when Del says that he enjoys hanging with his friends than spending time with Raquel and Damien) Just who are your mates Del? Denzil is a man who eats porridge with a wig in it, Trigger is a roadsweeper who gives pet names to his teeth, and then we have Boycie the freemason, a total snob who thinks anyone with a quid less than him is a peasant.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Why do women always want to know what time you got in? They say to you "What time did you get in last night?" and you go about "Quarter past twelve." and they go "No it weren't, it was twenty to two." You think well why bloody ask?
Mike: Exactly. I came home one night and my missus says "Where you living now?" I said "Here." She said "No you ain't!" and threw me suitcase at me.
Mike: Exactly. I came home one night and my missus says "Where you living now?" I said "Here." She said "No you ain't!" and threw me suitcase at me.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (confronting Beverly at her workplace, convinced that she's stalking him) Now you listen to me. You leave me and my family alone! You don't frighten me. I'm not scared of me!
Beverly: (to a patient) Mr James. (to Del) What's wrong with you, you moron?
Beverly: (to a patient) Mr James. (to Del) What's wrong with you, you moron?
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Trigger: And that's what I've done. Maintained it for 20 years. This old brooms had 17 new heads and 14 new handles in its time.
Sid: How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?
Trigger: There’s the picture. What more proof do you need?
Sid: How the hell can it be the same bloody broom then?
Trigger: There’s the picture. What more proof do you need?
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Rodney: (dressed as Robin) We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.
Trigger: Me either.
Rodney: You mean, that's your costume?
Trigger: Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. (thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.
Del Boy: (dressed as Batman) Yeah, you do stand out a bit.
Trigger: Me either.
Rodney: You mean, that's your costume?
Trigger: Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. (thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.
Del Boy: (dressed as Batman) Yeah, you do stand out a bit.
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Albert: (when Damien throws the ball) LITTLE GIT! (walks in) I fought for this country shot and shell on how they treat you, ain't bloody fair, eh.
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Rodney: We were running in here going [impersonating Batman theme] da na na na na na na na na and everything!
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Raquel: You see this girl here. I worked with her years ago when I was in show business. She was just a kid then! Look at her now, she's about to appear in the new James Bond film!
Cassandra: Ooh Pierce Brosnan.
Rodney: Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.
Cassandra: Yes, haven't I just?
Del Boy: Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.
Raquel: Oh shut up.
Del Boy: No, you could.
Raquel: Don't be silly.
Del Boy: I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.
Cassandra: Ooh Pierce Brosnan.
Rodney: Now you don't need Pierce Brosnan dear, you've got me.
Cassandra: Yes, haven't I just?
Del Boy: Well, I tell you what, Raquel. If she can be in a James Bond film, so could you.
Raquel: Oh shut up.
Del Boy: No, you could.
Raquel: Don't be silly.
Del Boy: I'm serious. I mean, look at her, she's a dog.
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Rodney: (wearing a "Trotter crash-turban") I look like a human cannonball that's just crashed into a washing line!
Uncle Albert: During the war-
Del Boy: Will you shut up!? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!
Uncle Albert: During the war-
Del Boy: Will you shut up!? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (talking about why Rodney won't talk to Cassandra after the miscarriage) Yes I know, he's got a lot on his mind, Raquel.
Raquel: He's got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.
Del Boy: Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.
Raquel: He's got a lot on his mind?! And how do you think Cassandra feels? She's the one who's had the miscarriage! She needs her husband by her side, not out drinking in some pub or club.
Del Boy: Yes I know, but she's a woman, ain't she? She's stronger than Rodney.
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Uncle Albert: During the...
Del Boy: If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!
Uncle Albert: I wasn't gonna say during the war...!
Del Boy: Well that's alright then.
Uncle Albert: Bloody little know-it-all.
Del Boy: Alright, sorry.
Uncle Albert: Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...
Del Boy: If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!
Uncle Albert: I wasn't gonna say during the war...!
Del Boy: Well that's alright then.
Uncle Albert: Bloody little know-it-all.
Del Boy: Alright, sorry.
Uncle Albert: Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses