Only Fools and Horses Quotes
Del Boy: We got lost in the middle of the north sea. Luckily we spotted the Zeebrugge to Hull ferry and followed it.
Abdul: And that's how you got to Hull?
Del Boy: No! That's how we got to Zeebrugge, it was going the wrong bloody way!
Abdul: And that's how you got to Hull?
Del Boy: No! That's how we got to Zeebrugge, it was going the wrong bloody way!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: He's right, n'all. She might be sitting in there with a belly full of people!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: [Seeing Rodney 'playing' with Duke] Oi! Rodney! Get your leg out of that dog's mouth, will ya?
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Boycie: It's amazing, innit? Everything you buy off him has got something missing.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Marlene: We could say it's a throwback.
Boycie: I might be able to con people into buying my cars, I might be able to convince them that you conceived and gave birth in seven days, but how the hell am I going to persuade them my grandad was Louis Armstrong?!?
Boycie: I might be able to con people into buying my cars, I might be able to convince them that you conceived and gave birth in seven days, but how the hell am I going to persuade them my grandad was Louis Armstrong?!?
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Father O'Keith: So to what do I owe this honour?
Del Boy: I have come to confess my sins.
Father O'Keith: Del, please! I've been invited out to dinner this evening.
Del Boy: I have come to confess my sins.
Father O'Keith: Del, please! I've been invited out to dinner this evening.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Father O'Keith: Have you ever been to this church before?
Del Boy: Of course I have... when my mum and dad got married.
Del Boy: Of course I have... when my mum and dad got married.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Checkout girl: (surly) £29.48.
Del Boy: Sorry?
Checkout girl: (even surlier, with a look of contempt) £29.48.
Del Boy: Did you sue 'em?
Checkout girl: Who?
Del Boy: The Charm School!
Del Boy: Sorry?
Checkout girl: (even surlier, with a look of contempt) £29.48.
Del Boy: Did you sue 'em?
Checkout girl: Who?
Del Boy: The Charm School!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Lennox Gilbey: You ever heard of the Scarlett Pimpernel?
Rodney: That weren't you, was it?
Lennox Gilbey: No, but I'm like him. They seek him here, they see him there. Those policemen seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That damn illusive Sha-a-dow.
Rodney: That weren't you, was it?
Lennox Gilbey: No, but I'm like him. They seek him here, they see him there. Those policemen seek him everywhere. Is he in heaven or is he in hell? That damn illusive Sha-a-dow.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: (to Lennox) An hour ago you were the man of mystery. Now we know your name, your address and your mum's shoe size.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Rodney what do you think you're playing at?
Uncle Albert: Come back and sit down son!
Mr. Peterson (store manager): What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!
Uncle Albert: Come back and sit down son!
Mr. Peterson (store manager): What are you doing? There's only half an hour to go!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Lisa: I always thought Marines were, you know, taller.
Rodney: He used to be much taller, but like he said, he had a bad landing.
Rodney: He used to be much taller, but like he said, he had a bad landing.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Andy: We've got some great thermals today.
Del Boy: Thermals? Oh, what a shame! I'm just wearing my ordinary y-fronts.
Del Boy: Thermals? Oh, what a shame! I'm just wearing my ordinary y-fronts.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: This is my punishment, isn't it? Spending the rest of my life in this wheelchair.
Trigger: Still, it could have been worse.
Mike: How?
Trigger: My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.
Trigger: Still, it could have been worse.
Mike: How?
Trigger: My gran had one with a squeaky wheel.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Rodney, I was up their for three hours, Three bloody hours! I did a loop-the-loop over Dimchurch. Little kids were pointing, "There goes a spaceman, a spaceman!" Finally, when I had just given up hope, I cluttered into an aerial thing, and fell 50 foot to the ground. It was only by the grace of God, that I landed on something soft!
Rodney: Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.
Del Boy: No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unsuspecting courting couple!
Rodney: Yeah, I can see the bruising on your head.
Del Boy: No, it was not my head, I landed on a very unsuspecting courting couple!
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Del Boy: Right, okay, now this is a Jaws-type story.
Rodney: Jaws? Jaws has been done though.
Del Boy: I know it's been done! But this is different. It's called... "There's a Rhino Loose in the City"!
Rodney: Jaws? Jaws has been done though.
Del Boy: I know it's been done! But this is different. It's called... "There's a Rhino Loose in the City"!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: : There's a Rhi... Loose in... As in rhinoceros??
Del Boy: That's right. "There's a Rhino Loose in the City!"
Uncle Albert: What's it about, Del?
Del Boy: Well, it's about this rhinoceros, right, escapes from a zoo and it heads straight for London. And after two or three days, they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it. So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer to try and solve the crime. Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman, so before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's your romantic interest!
Rodney(still slightly stunned) A rhinoceros?
Del Boy: Yeah! But they don't know it's missing.
Rodney: But... how can you not know? If you've got a rhinoceros, right and one day it ain't there - you tend to know it's missing.
Del Boy: Don't be a plonker all your life Rodney! She ain't got just the one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses.
Uncle Albert: And how's it escape?
Rodney: Oh, squeezes through the bars, most probably.
Del Boy: Now don't you start getting saucy with me Rodney. I'm only trying to help you.
Rodney: I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it?
Del Boy: Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!
Rodney: And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in caffs, the people sitting on the tops of buses? It's a rhino, Del!
Del Boy: He only comes out at night!
Uncle Albert: What is it, a vampire rhino?
Del Boy: No, it is not a vampire rhino. That is stupid that is, innit, eh?
Del Boy: That's right. "There's a Rhino Loose in the City!"
Uncle Albert: What's it about, Del?
Del Boy: Well, it's about this rhinoceros, right, escapes from a zoo and it heads straight for London. And after two or three days, they find like all these dead bodies lying about and no-one knows who's done it. So, they get hold of this private detective, you know, like a sort of Charlton Heston type geezer to try and solve the crime. Now the zoo keeper happens to be a very attractive woman, so before you know where you are, old Charlton is giving the sort what for, so that's your romantic interest!
Rodney(still slightly stunned) A rhinoceros?
Del Boy: Yeah! But they don't know it's missing.
Rodney: But... how can you not know? If you've got a rhinoceros, right and one day it ain't there - you tend to know it's missing.
Del Boy: Don't be a plonker all your life Rodney! She ain't got just the one rhinoceros, she probably had two or three rhinoceroses.
Uncle Albert: And how's it escape?
Rodney: Oh, squeezes through the bars, most probably.
Del Boy: Now don't you start getting saucy with me Rodney. I'm only trying to help you.
Rodney: I don't believe this! Nobody knows it's escaped? What about the eight million people living in London? Don't none of them spot it?
Del Boy: Yes! But the ones who spot it - they're the ones who get trampled to death!
Rodney: And what about all the others? The people in offices, the people in caffs, the people sitting on the tops of buses? It's a rhino, Del!
Del Boy: He only comes out at night!
Uncle Albert: What is it, a vampire rhino?
Del Boy: No, it is not a vampire rhino. That is stupid that is, innit, eh?
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Jumbo Mills: You think I'm bald? Well I'm not!
Uncle Albert: Well that's one hell of a parting you've got there son!
Uncle Albert: Well that's one hell of a parting you've got there son!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Australia is an awfully long way off, isn't it?
Jumbo Mills: They'll love you over there. They've got no class!
Jumbo Mills: They'll love you over there. They've got no class!
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Australia! Where the men are men.
Uncle Albert: So are the women...
Del Boy: What's that supposed to mean?
Uncle Albert Last time I was over there, the only way you could tell the sexes, was the men spit further.
Uncle Albert: So are the women...
Del Boy: What's that supposed to mean?
Uncle Albert Last time I was over there, the only way you could tell the sexes, was the men spit further.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Del Boy: Don't you think I've sacrificed enough for you?!
Rodney: Sacrifices? For me?
Del Boy: Yes you, when dear Mum, God rest her soul, when she died...
Rodney: Don't start again.
Del Boy: When she died, who stood by you?
Rodney: Yes, I remember that well. I was a little 5-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying "I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?" But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! "I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif. I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners. And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!"
Del Boy: And I did, didn't I?
Rodney: Sacrifices? For me?
Del Boy: Yes you, when dear Mum, God rest her soul, when she died...
Rodney: Don't start again.
Del Boy: When she died, who stood by you?
Rodney: Yes, I remember that well. I was a little 5-year-old stood in a damp graveyard wondering what the hole in the ground was for, I remember all the other people saying "I wonder what's gonna happen to poor little Rodney?" But I had no need to fear, did I, 'cos suddenly a vision appeared from beyond the silhouette of the gasworks. Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No, it's Del Boy! Da da da daad! "I, Del Boy, will look after this small waif. I will bring him up in the ways of Del Boy. He will sell iffy watches from old suitcases on street corners. And I will also teach him to drive a three-wheeled van whilst pissed out of his skull!"
Del Boy: And I did, didn't I?
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Man at the market: ...they can't be top quality, they're too cheap!
Del Boy: "Too cheap", how can they be "too cheap" you wally?
Man at the market: Here, I'm not a wally
Del Boy: No? What are you doing then, an impression?
Del Boy: "Too cheap", how can they be "too cheap" you wally?
Man at the market: Here, I'm not a wally
Del Boy: No? What are you doing then, an impression?
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Annoying man at the market: ...yeah but do you get a guarantree?
Del Boy: You do, yeah you do get a guarantee, I'll guarantees you get a smack in the mooey if you keep on pal, just go away and annoy someone else...
Del Boy: You do, yeah you do get a guarantee, I'll guarantees you get a smack in the mooey if you keep on pal, just go away and annoy someone else...
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Lady Victoria: (to Rodney) "So what's Your name?
Rodney: It's Rodney.
Trigger: (shouts from a distance) Alright Dave?
Rodney: No, it's Rodney. He's just a bit thick.
Rodney: It's Rodney.
Trigger: (shouts from a distance) Alright Dave?
Rodney: No, it's Rodney. He's just a bit thick.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: People round here don't pay £85 for a painting... People round here don't pay £85 for a car.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses
Rodney: Oi! Where'd you get that gun?
Del Boy: Iggy Higgins.
Rodney: Iggy Higgins robs banks.
Del Boy: Yeah I know but it's a Saturday, innit.
Del Boy: Iggy Higgins.
Rodney: Iggy Higgins robs banks.
Del Boy: Yeah I know but it's a Saturday, innit.
TV Show: Only Fools and Horses