Peep Show Quotes
Jez: (I'll just throw it in the River like when I had My paper Route.Screw You,Murdoch)
TV Show: Peep Show
[discussing Malcolm's daughter]
Malcolm: What do you think of her? Honestly.
Mark: (I think she might have a borderline personality disorder.) I think she's... lovely.
Malcolm: What do you think of her? Honestly.
Mark: (I think she might have a borderline personality disorder.) I think she's... lovely.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: I don't want sweet punani action; I want to take your bishop and grind you down!
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (Fucking hell! He's got Mummy! He's brought a dead dog into my pitch, the stupid bastard!)
TV Show: Peep Show
[after Jez has eaten "turkey" (actually the dog, "Mummy")]
Mark: Did you actually have to eat it?
Jez: I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I needed to eat it.
Mark: Did you actually have to eat it?
Jez: I don't know. I keep wondering that. But in the moment, it really did feel like I needed to eat it.
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: Did you slink off to bed before we did the melon-off?
Mark: I believe I did, and what exactly is....
Jez: Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks, the first melon to fall off loses.
Mark: Right, and who won - Gore Vidal or Dr Jonathan Miller?
Mark: I believe I did, and what exactly is....
Jez: Two guys get hard-ons, they put melons on their dicks, the first melon to fall off loses.
Mark: Right, and who won - Gore Vidal or Dr Jonathan Miller?
TV Show: Peep Show
[Nancy is asleep on the sofa]
Mark: Nancy stayed over?
Jeremy: Yeah. Lovely, clean Nancy all over our filthy disgusting sofa.
Mark: Nancy stayed over?
Jeremy: Yeah. Lovely, clean Nancy all over our filthy disgusting sofa.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (I'm not marrying out of spite, I'm marrying out of fear. There's a very big difference.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (Need time to think. How can I buy some time? Contract TB? But where from? No badgers. Try to get beaten up? I could say he's got a... fat head. Call him a jizz-cock. It's not actually an insult, all cocks are jizz-cocks really; bit like calling him a piss-kidney.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: Well, you should be more careful you... jizz-cock!
Driver: What?
Mark: You could have had my legs off you... piss-kidney.
Driver: Arsehole!
Mark: (Arsehole! Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.)
Driver: What?
Mark: You could have had my legs off you... piss-kidney.
Driver: Arsehole!
Mark: (Arsehole! Yep, nice insult. Clean, clear and insulting.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: You OK?
Mark: Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.
Jez: OK. Right. That is maybe a sign that everything isn't totally groovy.
Mark: Yeah, yeah, fine. Bit of a wobble. I just proposed to a woman in a coffee shop and tried to get myself run over.
Jez: OK. Right. That is maybe a sign that everything isn't totally groovy.
TV Show: Peep Show
Jeremy: Mark we're in the middle of the road you're gonna get us killed for the sake of your legacy. Stop it! You're not fucking Blair!
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: (Am I actually going to piss on the church? It'd be quite a statement. Yeah, baby! Here I go. Richard Dawkins walks the walk but does he actually follow through with an actual act of piss?)
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: God I am dying for a piss. I feel like someone's inflating a balloon full of urine inside me. And not in a good way.
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: Let me go in that prayer bucket.
Mark: Prayer bucket?... [looking round] Jeremy, that's just a bucket.
Jez: Alright, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket...
Mark: No, you can't move!
Jez: Mark, I can't hold it in any longer! I'm busting!
Mark: Well, if you really can't hold it in, I guess you'll just have to...piss yourself.
Jez: You're ordering me to piss myself?
Mark: Yes, if you have to go, piss yourself.
Jez: Is this what it's come to?
Mark: Yes, and do it quietly!
Jez: And what shall I do after I piss myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? [Jez begins pissing himself]
Mark: Are you going already?
Jez: Yes, I'm so pathetic, as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure. See what you've done? You've ground down my sense of self worth over the years, I hope you're happy!
Mark: When are you going to stop?
Jez: Not for a bit.
Mark: Jeremy, stop! It's going down the crack!
Jez: Oh piss yourself, stop pissing yourself, it's not that easy Mark, the flood gates are open!
Mark: I'm ordering you to stop!
Jez: You're being a real dick about this, aren't you?!?!
Mark: Prayer bucket?... [looking round] Jeremy, that's just a bucket.
Jez: Alright, I'm gonna creep up to the bucket...
Mark: No, you can't move!
Jez: Mark, I can't hold it in any longer! I'm busting!
Mark: Well, if you really can't hold it in, I guess you'll just have to...piss yourself.
Jez: You're ordering me to piss myself?
Mark: Yes, if you have to go, piss yourself.
Jez: Is this what it's come to?
Mark: Yes, and do it quietly!
Jez: And what shall I do after I piss myself? Fuck myself? Eat myself? [Jez begins pissing himself]
Mark: Are you going already?
Jez: Yes, I'm so pathetic, as soon as you ordered me to piss myself I started the procedure. See what you've done? You've ground down my sense of self worth over the years, I hope you're happy!
Mark: When are you going to stop?
Jez: Not for a bit.
Mark: Jeremy, stop! It's going down the crack!
Jez: Oh piss yourself, stop pissing yourself, it's not that easy Mark, the flood gates are open!
Mark: I'm ordering you to stop!
Jez: You're being a real dick about this, aren't you?!?!
TV Show: Peep Show
Priest: ...Before God Almighty who knows all the secrets of our hearts...
Mark: (He's ladelling it on now. Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?)
Mark: (He's ladelling it on now. Is that in the proper thing or has he just added that to needle me?)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (That's it. I've ruined my life! You only get one life and I've ruined mine!)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: : (That's it. I'm alone. Tomorrow morning I'll wake up in my bed alone. Unless... I hire a prostitute. Just for the night. Kind of like a wedding present.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: : You know you really do smell quite strongly of piss.
Jez: : Yes, and your hat and shoe smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?
Jez: : Yes, and your hat and shoe smell of puke, so I guess neither of us are exactly the king, are we?
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: So, Nancy, did she not show up?
Jez: No, she did ... with Super Hans, so that's nice. I think I might divorce her, see how she likes that.
Mark: Well, I suppose I should apologize for not letting you go and get her.
Jez: Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that. But, I was thinking of waiting for a bit before I brought it up.
Mark: Oh, that's nice. Thanks man.
Jez: It's fine. I'll just chuck it in with all my other moldering resentments.
Mark: Exactly. Stick it on the bill.
Jez: No, she did ... with Super Hans, so that's nice. I think I might divorce her, see how she likes that.
Mark: Well, I suppose I should apologize for not letting you go and get her.
Jez: Yeah, I was pretty pissed off about that. But, I was thinking of waiting for a bit before I brought it up.
Mark: Oh, that's nice. Thanks man.
Jez: It's fine. I'll just chuck it in with all my other moldering resentments.
Mark: Exactly. Stick it on the bill.
TV Show: Peep Show
Mark: (So unhappy. I wonder if anyone has ever been this unhappy while drinking champagne.)
TV Show: Peep Show
[Jez has just been told he may have Chlamydia]
Paula: Lots of times it's symptomless basically so it's just...
Jez: It's symptomless? Oh, right. So what's the biggie? I mean, no one minds if the invisible man comes to dinner. (Maybe I can get into this. Sexually transmitted disease. Sexually transmitted. Sexually. Sexy. I'm feeling sexy.)
Paula: You haven't noticed any unusual discharge from your penis, have you?
Jez: (Not so sexy.)
Paula: Lots of times it's symptomless basically so it's just...
Jez: It's symptomless? Oh, right. So what's the biggie? I mean, no one minds if the invisible man comes to dinner. (Maybe I can get into this. Sexually transmitted disease. Sexually transmitted. Sexually. Sexy. I'm feeling sexy.)
Paula: You haven't noticed any unusual discharge from your penis, have you?
Jez: (Not so sexy.)
TV Show: Peep Show
Jez: [whispering] When do we get to go out?
Mark: [whispering] As far as I can make out, we get to go out for a bit in an hour, then we have to come back for two hours.
Jez: You're kidding. I think I'll die.
Mark: If this was on television, nobody would be watching.
Jez: Oh God. Why aren't we watching television? [...] I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money we could be watching Robert de Niro and Al Pacino.
Mark: I'm going to pretend I am watching Heat.
Jez: OK. Let's just pretend we're watching Heat.
Mark: [whispering] As far as I can make out, we get to go out for a bit in an hour, then we have to come back for two hours.
Jez: You're kidding. I think I'll die.
Mark: If this was on television, nobody would be watching.
Jez: Oh God. Why aren't we watching television? [...] I've got Heat on DVD at home. We're watching this, when for less money we could be watching Robert de Niro and Al Pacino.
Mark: I'm going to pretend I am watching Heat.
Jez: OK. Let's just pretend we're watching Heat.
TV Show: Peep Show