Penn and Teller - Bullshit! Quotes
Penn: There are two things you say for sure about the Ouiji board. One, it'll set you back about twenty bucks. Two, it's bullshit!
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: We're not gonna tease or abuse the bull. He doesn't have a cute name like Elsie, or Moo-Moo, or Heiferlips. His name is Dave. Nothing funny about that. We wouldn't do anything to this animal that we wouldn't do to ourselves.
[Penn applies a branding iron to Teller's right buttock.].
Teller: [off-camera] Mother-FUCKER!
Penn: Hey! Cool, Dave, he can talk!
[Penn applies a branding iron to Teller's right buttock.].
Teller: [off-camera] Mother-FUCKER!
Penn: Hey! Cool, Dave, he can talk!
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: Ethical means moral or proper which differs for every person, it's something to discuss. It's not an absolute. It just sounds nice, it's like 'pro-choice' and 'pro-life', I mean- c'mon! Everyone is pro-choice and pro-life. It's for or against abortion that your group is about. And who wouldn't wanna treat animals ethically, anyway. Nobody gets off slapping their monkey or choking their chicken or roughing up their clam.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Jerry Vlasak: I think that violence and non-violence are not moral principles - they're tactics.
Penn: WHAT?!
Jerry Vlasak: Violence and non-violence are not moral principles - they're tactics.
Penn: Sweet evil Jesus! What did he say?
Jerry Vlasak: Violence and non-violence are not moral principles - they're tactics.
Penn: "Ethical," my achin' ass!
Penn: WHAT?!
Jerry Vlasak: Violence and non-violence are not moral principles - they're tactics.
Penn: Sweet evil Jesus! What did he say?
Jerry Vlasak: Violence and non-violence are not moral principles - they're tactics.
Penn: "Ethical," my achin' ass!
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: These are folks who don't want animals killed, hurt, exploited, or...embarrassed.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: The PETA you don't know would outlaw fishing, circuses, dog shows, horseback riding and zoos. They even oppose using service animals like eye-dogs for the blind. Fucking blind bastards torturing those dogs! In PETA, there's no room for Kentucky Fried Chicken, or the Kentucky Derby. See you, Shamu! And forget about smearing honey all over your fuck buddy, because even bees are persecuted by the man. And pets are forbidden in PETA's world too. That's right! No pets. Hey all you pet lovers who donate to PETA, feel like a sucker yet?
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
[On PETA's usage of Holocaust footage for its campaigns].
Dennis Prager: We have a generation here in America, of young people, who don't know what evil is [cf. generations past]. They've never suffered. They don't know Nazism. They don't know Communism. They don't know torture, concentration camps, or death squads. And so they're so naive, that they think the worst evil is done to animals and the environment.
Dennis Prager: We have a generation here in America, of young people, who don't know what evil is [cf. generations past]. They've never suffered. They don't know Nazism. They don't know Communism. They don't know torture, concentration camps, or death squads. And so they're so naive, that they think the worst evil is done to animals and the environment.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: [Teller shows a pan] This is drugs. [Teller shows some eggs, with the description of several types of civil liberties written on them] These are your liberties. [cut to Penn on a steamroller] AND THIS IS THE GOVERNMENT.
[Penn runs a steamroller ("the government") over the pan ("drugs") and the eggs ("civil liberties"), crushing them.]
Penn: Any questions?
[Penn runs a steamroller ("the government") over the pan ("drugs") and the eggs ("civil liberties"), crushing them.]
Penn: Any questions?
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
[On recycling jobs]
Penn: [sarcastically] Man! These are GREAT FUCKING JOBS! If only we didn't have to be LAS VEGAS ENTERTAINERS and TV HOSTS!
Penn: [sarcastically] Man! These are GREAT FUCKING JOBS! If only we didn't have to be LAS VEGAS ENTERTAINERS and TV HOSTS!
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: It's fair to say that the Bible contains equal amounts of fact, history, and pizza.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: Now why wouldn't God just appear to Pharaoh, and say it himself? Because God works in mysterious, inefficient, and breathtakingly cruel ways.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: Monty Python's Life of Brian was more historically accurate than Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: Sedona, Arizona. Home of beautiful red rock ass canyons, scenic desert landscapes... and every crystal-sucking, vortex-fucking asshole out to make a few bucks off of New Age hippie bullshit!
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
[After Sasha Lessin "explained" the tantric sex.]
Penn: See, even he doesn't believe it, he can't explain it, he just likes to FUCK!.
Penn: See, even he doesn't believe it, he can't explain it, he just likes to FUCK!.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
[Penn and Teller return after a segment on anti-profanity advocate Ginny Foster, who suggests saying "Santa vaca!" instead.]
Penn: "Saint cow". So she is literally saying, "Holy cow!", in Spanish. But "holy cow" is a derogatory reference to the Hindu belief in the sacredness of cows. Ginny certainly doesn't believe in the holiness of cows, so taking that Lord's name in vain is perfectly acceptable. She doesn't buy the holy-cow myth. Therefore, if you didn't actually believe that Jesus is God — and most of the world doesn't — if you were, for example, a Hindu, shouting…
[Teller drops a bowling ball on Penn's foot.]
Penn: … JESUS CHRIST'S!… name… in a situation where you… or someone you know, somehow, accidentally… dropped a bowling ball on your FOOT… would be, by Ginny's standards… perfectly polite. [Penn looks like he wants to smack Teller.]
Penn: "Saint cow". So she is literally saying, "Holy cow!", in Spanish. But "holy cow" is a derogatory reference to the Hindu belief in the sacredness of cows. Ginny certainly doesn't believe in the holiness of cows, so taking that Lord's name in vain is perfectly acceptable. She doesn't buy the holy-cow myth. Therefore, if you didn't actually believe that Jesus is God — and most of the world doesn't — if you were, for example, a Hindu, shouting…
[Teller drops a bowling ball on Penn's foot.]
Penn: … JESUS CHRIST'S!… name… in a situation where you… or someone you know, somehow, accidentally… dropped a bowling ball on your FOOT… would be, by Ginny's standards… perfectly polite. [Penn looks like he wants to smack Teller.]
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: The most frequent question we get asked about this show is, why would assholes like Brian Brown and Michael Medved come on a show called Bullshit! to get called "assholes"? We do not lie to them; we make sure they know all about the show. We give them copies of past shows, and it's always pretty clear which side of the issue we're gonna be on. The long answer is that people who come on this show generally consider themselves to be bulletproof. Most have never talked to anyone with a dissenting view, and certainly no one with a real research team, like ours. If you say something on our show, we check it. If you lie or make something up, we know. But we're fair — we never take people out of context. We're biased as all fuck, but we try to be honest. Now, that's the long answer. The short answer? [Penn and Teller shrug.]
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
[Penn speaks of the deaths during the September 11, 2001 attacks.]
Penn: And that's something we should never forget. But to conspiracy nuts, death and suffering… are just heart-pounding entertainment. They whack to tragedy!
Penn: And that's something we should never forget. But to conspiracy nuts, death and suffering… are just heart-pounding entertainment. They whack to tragedy!
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Eric Hoffschmidt: My first reaction to Flight 93, was that the Military, after the towers had been hit, said "Uh-oh...wait a minute. That's not part of the plan! What is that plane gonna do? Shoot it!"
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Jimmy Walter: I firmly believe that most of the alleged passengers on the alleged hijacked planes are still alive and quite frankly, I think they were all probably working for the government.
Penn: Fuck you! We really hope this fuck-up runs into a family member of someone who's died. They may not take kindly to the idea that Daddy's faking his death somewhere.
Penn: Fuck you! We really hope this fuck-up runs into a family member of someone who's died. They may not take kindly to the idea that Daddy's faking his death somewhere.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
[Penn & Teller are mocking the Moon Landing Hoax Conspiracy on a stage set w/ Penn as director]
Penn: CUT! Jesus fucking Christ, Neil! How many times do we have to try this? "One small step for A man", not man. A man! And that's YOU! Everybody take five. Neil, practice your fucking lines! Ooh yeah, let's use real pilots. I wanna use real pilots! [to the camera] Faking the Moon Landing is easy. You need dirt, wardrobe, a sound stage, a lot of black paints, and some stupid suits. The hard part is shutting people up. It's been 36 years! You'd think the technicians, and prop people, camera people, directors, everyone who works at NASA, and the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, and all the nice folks at Cape Carnaval in Florida, plus members of the US Congress and the White House all shut up about this amazing cover-up for all that time? The Government couldn't even fucking cover up a break-in to a psychiatrist's office in a fucking cheesy hotel! Watergate is the answer to all this shit. If they couldn't cover that up, they fucking can't do anything.
Penn: CUT! Jesus fucking Christ, Neil! How many times do we have to try this? "One small step for A man", not man. A man! And that's YOU! Everybody take five. Neil, practice your fucking lines! Ooh yeah, let's use real pilots. I wanna use real pilots! [to the camera] Faking the Moon Landing is easy. You need dirt, wardrobe, a sound stage, a lot of black paints, and some stupid suits. The hard part is shutting people up. It's been 36 years! You'd think the technicians, and prop people, camera people, directors, everyone who works at NASA, and the Jet Propulsion Lab in Pasadena, and all the nice folks at Cape Carnaval in Florida, plus members of the US Congress and the White House all shut up about this amazing cover-up for all that time? The Government couldn't even fucking cover up a break-in to a psychiatrist's office in a fucking cheesy hotel! Watergate is the answer to all this shit. If they couldn't cover that up, they fucking can't do anything.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Clyde Lewis: Do you really think that one morning in November, 1963, Lee Oswald just got up and said "I'm gonna shoot the President today"?
Penn: Yes, but that's not a very sexy answer!
Penn: Yes, but that's not a very sexy answer!
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: If the conspiracy [to kill President Kennedy] is so big and evil, why hasn't it killed Jim [Marrs]? And how did crazy Oliver Stone's movie [JFK (1991)] ever come out?
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Vincent Bugliosi: Instinctively, people find it incongruous that this could all happen as the result of the coincidental meeting of the President and a lone nut. They feel that a greater conspiracy has to be involved.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: We don't know what the "center of our being" really is, but we hope it's chocolate cream!
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: I sure hope Hell is bullshit, too, 'cause if not, we are going there for this one.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
[Penn compares Tibet under Chinese rule vs. the Tenzin Gyatso, 14th Dalai Lama's rule.]
Penn: Since coming to power, the Chinese government have introduced to Tibet electricity, running water, secular education, and better health standards, so maybe life is better on the ground there. Of course they also have thrown millions in labor camps and prisons, stomped out as much free speech as possible, have death squads run amok throughout the country, and they have that whole fucked up Communist bullshit. But if you ask the Dalai Lama, His Holiness will tell you that he must return to power for the good of his people. In this case, "good" may translate into his people living in squalor and his government condoning slavery. Remember, the lesser of two evils… is still evil. And the enemy of my enemy… is not my friend.
Penn: Since coming to power, the Chinese government have introduced to Tibet electricity, running water, secular education, and better health standards, so maybe life is better on the ground there. Of course they also have thrown millions in labor camps and prisons, stomped out as much free speech as possible, have death squads run amok throughout the country, and they have that whole fucked up Communist bullshit. But if you ask the Dalai Lama, His Holiness will tell you that he must return to power for the good of his people. In this case, "good" may translate into his people living in squalor and his government condoning slavery. Remember, the lesser of two evils… is still evil. And the enemy of my enemy… is not my friend.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: We're all offended, all the time, and we don't have a fucking right not to be offended! A free country is a marketplace of ideas, and college should be more free, not less.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!
Penn: Americans believe everybody deserves freedom to move up in the world. That's a great thing. But if moving up means spending four years in a beer commercial run by politeness police, maybe you should think twice.
TV Show: Penn and Teller - Bullshit!