QI Quotes
Stephen Fry: I'll give you an extra two points if you can tell me the longest fence in the world.
Phill Jupitus: The Great Fence of China!
Alan Davies: It's to keep people off the Great Wall.
Phill Jupitus: The Great Fence of China!
Alan Davies: It's to keep people off the Great Wall.
TV Show: QI
[When asked which was the odd one out from London, Paris, Poland and Banana, all places on Christmas Island …]
Stephen Fry: The answer is that none of them are the odd one out.
Phill Jupitus: What kind of hellish quiz is this? "Which one's the odd one out? None of them! Bahahaaa! Bahahaaa! …"
Stephen Fry: Is that meant to be me? [Phill was impersonating Stephen's braying laugh in his role inBlackadder Goes Forthas General Melchett.]
Phill Jupitus: That's you!
Stephen Fry: Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that—bahahaaa, bahahaaa …
Stephen Fry: The answer is that none of them are the odd one out.
Phill Jupitus: What kind of hellish quiz is this? "Which one's the odd one out? None of them! Bahahaaa! Bahahaaa! …"
Stephen Fry: Is that meant to be me? [Phill was impersonating Stephen's braying laugh in his role inBlackadder Goes Forthas General Melchett.]
Phill Jupitus: That's you!
Stephen Fry: Oh, bugger you! I don't sound like that—bahahaaa, bahahaaa …
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Beetle-fanciers, as you probably know, are called—
Bill Bailey: Coleopterists.
Stephen Fry: Very good! Coleopterists. I'll give you five points for that.
Alan Davies: Press him on how the hell he knows that.
Bill Bailey: Well, when I was a child, I—
Stephen Fry: In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.
Bill Bailey: Welcome to my world of knowing! The wonderful world of looking up things in books!
Bill Bailey: Coleopterists.
Stephen Fry: Very good! Coleopterists. I'll give you five points for that.
Alan Davies: Press him on how the hell he knows that.
Bill Bailey: Well, when I was a child, I—
Stephen Fry: In Alan's world, knowing something is a kind of freakish, weird thing.
Bill Bailey: Welcome to my world of knowing! The wonderful world of looking up things in books!
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: [discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.
Alan Davies: Oh, for God's sake.
Stephen Fry: I know.
Alan Davies: Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?
Stephen Fry: They're not.
Sean Lock: [holding up his fists] They're very stumpy, though.
Alan Davies: Oh, for God's sake.
Stephen Fry: I know.
Alan Davies: Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?
Stephen Fry: They're not.
Sean Lock: [holding up his fists] They're very stumpy, though.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: [about woodpeckers' tongues] How does it fit into its mouth, you may wonder? Well, it has to wrap it round its brain and the back of its eye sockets. Funnily enough, woodpeckers are very popular on creationist websites, because they argue that this is such an extraordinary creature designed so fit for its purpose, and so on, that only a designer could have made it, it couldn't have evolved. Apart from everything else, when it moves, sometimes up to fifteen or sixteen times a second it beats the wood to make a hole, which is incredibly fast and generates immense forces—two hundred and fifty times more forces than an astronaut is subjected to. It's a thousand Gs. And it has these extraordinary kind of little muscles and cartilages around its brain to stop it from shattering. [suddenly laughs] If the pecker's got wood, why go for tongue, you may argue! Um … [giggles as everyone stares at him] … but it is pretty astonishing …
Jo Brand: Could we maybe have an offshoot of this program called Quite Unnecessary?
Jo Brand: Could we maybe have an offshoot of this program called Quite Unnecessary?
TV Show: QI
Jo Brand: When I was a teenager, someone I knew gave their dog LSD …
Stephen Fry: Oh, my Lord!
Jo Brand: … It went to Glastonbury.
Stephen Fry: Oh, my Lord!
Jo Brand: … It went to Glastonbury.
TV Show: QI
Alan Davies: Eight hundred Americans die in a McDonald's every year.
Rich Hall: Which one? Best to avoid that one.
Rich Hall: Which one? Best to avoid that one.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What has large teeth and only one facial expression?
Bill Bailey: Janet Street-Porter.
[Forfeit klaxon sounds] I don't care it was still worth it.
Bill Bailey: Janet Street-Porter.
[Forfeit klaxon sounds] I don't care it was still worth it.
TV Show: QI
[On the word "hello", as opposed to "hullo"]
Stephen Fry: It just meant an expression of surprise—"Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" And we still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: … Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes, when we live our lives like 1950s detective films, yes. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say, mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter, beast.
Stephen Fry: It just meant an expression of surprise—"Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" And we still use it in that sense.
Bill Bailey: Do we?
Stephen Fry: … Don't we, Bill?
Bill Bailey: Yes, when we live our lives like 1950s detective films, yes. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say, mother, where's the milk?"
Stephen Fry: You beast, you beast, you utter, utter, beast.
TV Show: QI
Jimmy Carr: (Using all of his letters to create a phrase.) Put Smarties tubes on cats legs, make them walk like a robot.
TV Show: QI
Bill Bailey: How many amoebas does it takes to change a lightbulb? One. No, two. No, four. No, eight …
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: We don't know anything particularly extraordinary about his birth, we just wanted, uh, Laughing Boy (gestures to Alan) here to fall into the trap.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Do you know what "biscuit" means? What its derivation is? "Bis", meaning…
Alan Davies: Eat, chew, bit …
Stephen Fry: … twice …
Alan Davies: … bite …
Stephen Fry: … twice …
Alan Davies: … bite, sweet, hard, coffee cup.
Stephen Fry: …twice. [laughs] "Sweet, hard, coffee cup"?
Alan Davies: Cup. Coffee cup accompaniment.
Alan Davies: Eat, chew, bit …
Stephen Fry: … twice …
Alan Davies: … bite …
Stephen Fry: … twice …
Alan Davies: … bite, sweet, hard, coffee cup.
Stephen Fry: …twice. [laughs] "Sweet, hard, coffee cup"?
Alan Davies: Cup. Coffee cup accompaniment.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: [To Rich Hall on the American meaning of Biscuit] You have Biscuits and Gravy, don't you? Tell the ladies and gentlemen what that is.
Dara O'Briain: Oh, Traveller from an arcane land.
Stephen Fry: (As if speaking to a young child) What do your people eat?
Rich Hall: Everything!
Dara O'Briain: Oh, Traveller from an arcane land.
Stephen Fry: (As if speaking to a young child) What do your people eat?
Rich Hall: Everything!
TV Show: QI
Alan Davies: See what happens on this show, Dara, is he (gestures to Stephen) thinks? I'm an idiot.
Dara Ó Briain: Yeah, well you think my name is an anagram of diarrhoea...
Dara Ó Briain: Yeah, well you think my name is an anagram of diarrhoea...
TV Show: QI
Arthur Smith: Here's a quite interesting fact: as we know, at the end of a marvellous performance, when we see a live show, and you think it's fabulous and you want more, you shout, "Encore" …
Stephen Fry: Yes …
Arthur Smith: Do you know what the French shout?
Stephen Fry: "Bis"?
Arthur Smith: Oh yeah, you do know.
Stephen Fry: Yes …
Arthur Smith: Do you know what the French shout?
Stephen Fry: "Bis"?
Arthur Smith: Oh yeah, you do know.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Honeybees have evolved a complex language to tell each other where the best nectar is, using the sun as a reference point. Amazingly, they can also do this on overcast days and at night by calculating the position of the sun on the other side of the world. This means they can actually learn and store information despite the—
Alan Davies: Has it occurred to you that they may not be using the sun? That whoever has worked that out is wrong? He's now said, "Even if you can't see it or it's on the other side of the world, they still use it." And these bees are thinking, "No, we don't! We just remember where we live!" Why is it so remarkable that they know where they live?
Stephen Fry: … Well, because they have only 950,000 neurons, as opposed to our 10,000,000,000 neurons in our brains.
Alan Davies: But they've only got one thing to remember—where they live.
Alan Davies: Has it occurred to you that they may not be using the sun? That whoever has worked that out is wrong? He's now said, "Even if you can't see it or it's on the other side of the world, they still use it." And these bees are thinking, "No, we don't! We just remember where we live!" Why is it so remarkable that they know where they live?
Stephen Fry: … Well, because they have only 950,000 neurons, as opposed to our 10,000,000,000 neurons in our brains.
Alan Davies: But they've only got one thing to remember—where they live.
TV Show: QI
[Discussing the potential benefits of time travel, such as witnessing historic moments or seeing yourself at a younger age]
Rich Hall: I had a rolled-up ball of socks. And a hamper all the way across the room. And I just went like that … [imitates a casual throw] … right? Hits the wall, bounces off the ceiling, off this wall, back across that wall, right into the hamper. From, like, forty feet away. I would go back and watch that again.
Rich Hall: I had a rolled-up ball of socks. And a hamper all the way across the room. And I just went like that … [imitates a casual throw] … right? Hits the wall, bounces off the ceiling, off this wall, back across that wall, right into the hamper. From, like, forty feet away. I would go back and watch that again.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: If I've got a mothball in this hand and a mothball in that hand, what have I got?
Alan Davies: Two mothballs?
Stephen Fry: No, a rather excited moth.
Alan Davies: Two mothballs?
Stephen Fry: No, a rather excited moth.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: In Britain in 1994, you might be interested to know, there were an astonishing range of accidents reported by the, erm … [deep breath] … Trade and Industries Consumer Safety Units Home Accidents Surveillance History Report. Eight people in the UK in '94 were injured by placemats. Thirteen sustained cruet injuries. Five were wounded by dustpans. Eight suffered as a result of a breadbin accident. Five were hurt by sieves. Fourteen fell foul of a serving trolley. Seventeen were treated for injuries caused by a draught excluder. Four hundred and seventy-six people were injured while on the lavatory … there you are. Underwear hurt eleven people.
Alan Davies: How many of those people were drunk?
Stephen Fry: Well, exactly. Or how many of them were sexually experimental?
Alan Davies: How many of those people were drunk?
Stephen Fry: Well, exactly. Or how many of them were sexually experimental?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: He, of course, won by a short head- no... After his final spurt- NO, shut up!
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What is the commonest material in the world?
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson's.
Clive Anderson: Jim Davidson's.
TV Show: QI
Sean Lock: The huntsman spider is the only spider with lungs.
Alan Davies: So you can get it a birthday cake with a candle on.
Alan Davies: So you can get it a birthday cake with a candle on.
TV Show: QI
[On the inventor of the Hokey Cokey]
Stephen Fry: He died in 1996; what happened at his funeral?
Alan Davies: Oh, it was terrible, they couldn't get him into his coffin.
Stephen Fry: Why was that?
Alan Davies: Well, they put the left leg in … Then the trouble started.
Stephen Fry: He died in 1996; what happened at his funeral?
Alan Davies: Oh, it was terrible, they couldn't get him into his coffin.
Stephen Fry: Why was that?
Alan Davies: Well, they put the left leg in … Then the trouble started.
TV Show: QI
Alan Davies: I'm not as stupid as you think.
Stephen Fry: No, you're not. You couldn't be.
Stephen Fry: No, you're not. You couldn't be.
TV Show: QI
Alan Davies: Which way does water go down the plug-hole in the Northern Hemisphere?
Stephen Fry: Any way you want it to. You can push to go one way or the other, I've tried it.
[Alan shuffles papers.]
Alan Davies: [sighs disappointedly] … Yes, that's true.
Phill Jupitus: "Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?" [as Stephen] "I'm pushing it to go one way, I'm pushing it to go the other, I'm the master … of the bathroom"!
Stephen Fry: Any way you want it to. You can push to go one way or the other, I've tried it.
[Alan shuffles papers.]
Alan Davies: [sighs disappointedly] … Yes, that's true.
Phill Jupitus: "Stephen, what are you doing in that bathroom?" [as Stephen] "I'm pushing it to go one way, I'm pushing it to go the other, I'm the master … of the bathroom"!
TV Show: QI