QI Quotes
Arthur Smith: I had occasion to hire a theatrical duck, once …
Clive Anderson: A luvvie duck!
Vic Reeves: In my career, I've had occasion to hire many, many an animal, but the most expensive was a pelican.
Stephen Fry: Was it an enormous bill?
Clive Anderson: A luvvie duck!
Vic Reeves: In my career, I've had occasion to hire many, many an animal, but the most expensive was a pelican.
Stephen Fry: Was it an enormous bill?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What comes before a German Bight?
Neil Mullarkey: [presses buzzer] A German Bark.
[The klaxon sounds and the words "German Bark" appear on the screen.]
Stephen Fry: You were thinking of J.S., possibly.
Alan Davies: No, they never bark when they're going to attack you. It's when they go quiet, that's when you have to worry.
Stephen Fry: Germans?
Neil Mullarkey: [presses buzzer] A German Bark.
[The klaxon sounds and the words "German Bark" appear on the screen.]
Stephen Fry: You were thinking of J.S., possibly.
Alan Davies: No, they never bark when they're going to attack you. It's when they go quiet, that's when you have to worry.
Stephen Fry: Germans?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: My great-uncle had his tongue shot off in the war. He never talked about it.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Name, if you can, the subject of the three volume book whose first volume is entitled "The Long Years of Obscurity."
Phill Jupitus: The career of Phil Collins.
Ronni Ancona: Is this book about the word obscurity before it got famous? How it was beaten by its adjective father. And left on the doorstep abandoned by its mother, and it was the only noun growing up in a house of verbs. And the verbs were always going out doing lovely things, because they were doing words, and poor old obscurity was stuck inside suffering from asthma. And then after school it was surrounded by quotation marks and got beaten up terribly. And then one day entered into reality TV show and it became very famous and it was much in demand and used to describe all the people who leave Big Brother House?
Phill Jupitus: The career of Phil Collins.
Ronni Ancona: Is this book about the word obscurity before it got famous? How it was beaten by its adjective father. And left on the doorstep abandoned by its mother, and it was the only noun growing up in a house of verbs. And the verbs were always going out doing lovely things, because they were doing words, and poor old obscurity was stuck inside suffering from asthma. And then after school it was surrounded by quotation marks and got beaten up terribly. And then one day entered into reality TV show and it became very famous and it was much in demand and used to describe all the people who leave Big Brother House?
TV Show: QI
Rory Bremner: They built the station next to the power station you see there, which is the third worst eyesore in the country. It was a Country Life thing—do you know what the first one was?
Phill Jupitus: [in a posh accent] People! Public people! Working classes! Poorly groomed servants! The ill-bred ponies! That Blair fellow!
Stephen Fry: If I find out you've been intercepting my mail …
Phill Jupitus: [in a posh accent] People! Public people! Working classes! Poorly groomed servants! The ill-bred ponies! That Blair fellow!
Stephen Fry: If I find out you've been intercepting my mail …
TV Show: QI
[Speaking of marmots]
Stephen Fry: Given the right conditions, it's a dangerous, a deadly merciless killer of humans. How?
Clive Anderson: [presses his buzzer]
Stephen Fry: Clive.
Clive Anderson: Lead piping in the billiard room.
Stephen Fry: Given the right conditions, it's a dangerous, a deadly merciless killer of humans. How?
Clive Anderson: [presses his buzzer]
Stephen Fry: Clive.
Clive Anderson: Lead piping in the billiard room.
TV Show: QI
[Guessing which illness most doctors treat more than any other]
Alan Davies: Pregnancy?
Clive Anderson: Pregnancy isn't a disease, Alan.
Andy Parsons: It would be if Alan got it!
Alan Davies: Pregnancy?
Clive Anderson: Pregnancy isn't a disease, Alan.
Andy Parsons: It would be if Alan got it!
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Oh, there you are. Great Wall of China.
Jimmy Carr: I've got quite an interesting fact about that.
Stephen Fry: Yep.
Jimmy Carr: Longest wall in the world, not one cashpoint.
Jimmy Carr: I've got quite an interesting fact about that.
Stephen Fry: Yep.
Jimmy Carr: Longest wall in the world, not one cashpoint.
TV Show: QI
[After Stephen has had to have beer goggles explained to him]
Phill Jupitus: Stephen doesn't have beer goggles, he has Madeira pince-nez.
Phill Jupitus: Stephen doesn't have beer goggles, he has Madeira pince-nez.
TV Show: QI
Jo Brand: In fact, every woman in the world has got bird flu. But we don't give a shit, we just get on with our lives. Now it's only because a few men have caught it lately that people are going mad about it. "Oh, I've got bubonic plague, but I've still got to do the hoovering."
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What's the difference between table tennis and ping pong?
Jo Brand: In table tennis you serve the ball with a bat, and in ping pong it's launched from the vagina of a Thai woman.
Jo Brand: In table tennis you serve the ball with a bat, and in ping pong it's launched from the vagina of a Thai woman.
TV Show: QI
Jonathan Ross: What's the protocol for when you see a really ugly baby?
Rich Hall: I'll tell you. People show you their babies on their phone now, and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of it. The thing to say is "Nice phone".
Rich Hall: I'll tell you. People show you their babies on their phone now, and it's like a cashew with some hair coming out of it. The thing to say is "Nice phone".
TV Show: QI
[Discussing what babies have that adults do not]
Stephen Fry: They don't have kneecaps, do they?
Jonathan Ross: Aren't you confusing them with mer-babies?
Stephen Fry: They don't have kneecaps, do they?
Jonathan Ross: Aren't you confusing them with mer-babies?
TV Show: QI
Dara Ó Briain: [explaining how to pour Guinness correctly] Five-twelfths of an inch is the ideal head around the top, and if somebody paints a shamrock into it, you're allowed to stab them in the eye with a fork.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Thirty-mile-an-hour winds come when a train enters the station, and a lot of hair gets blown down into the tunnels.
Andy Hamilton: That's how I lost mine, actually. Most of it is Tottenham Court Road.
Andy Hamilton: That's how I lost mine, actually. Most of it is Tottenham Court Road.
TV Show: QI
[Talking about how Tube tunnels are cleaned]
Alan Davies: I don't understand why you can't have a—you know, like you used to have a cleaning tape for your cassette deck—you can't have a cleaning Tube? You'd just send a big furry train down …
Alan Davies: I don't understand why you can't have a—you know, like you used to have a cleaning tape for your cassette deck—you can't have a cleaning Tube? You'd just send a big furry train down …
TV Show: QI
[About Derren Brown]
Johnny Vaughan: He's got one great trick. You know when you've got an empty seat by you in a train, and you don't want anybody to sit there? He says you're insane to put things on the chair to stop people sitting there. The trick is, as they approach, you smile at them and pat the seat.
Johnny Vaughan: He's got one great trick. You know when you've got an empty seat by you in a train, and you don't want anybody to sit there? He says you're insane to put things on the chair to stop people sitting there. The trick is, as they approach, you smile at them and pat the seat.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: The word "donkey"—when did it come into the English language?
Graeme Garden: When was Don Quixote published?
Graeme Garden: When was Don Quixote published?
TV Show: QI
Mark Steel: You know what they say is a test of whether you're anal? Whether or not you keep your records in alphabetical order. I would surely think that it depends on how many records you got—I mean, if you've only got two and you keep going back and going "ABBA, ZZ Top, they're still there, that's lovely" but I've got a roomful of bloody records! I keep them in alphabetical order so I can find the one I want! Apparently that means I got a problem with me arse! How is that right?
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What is meant by the expression "hoover the talking seal"?
Roger McGough: Well, it's either one of those wonderful Oz expressions for throwing up … "Excuse me, I've got to go hoover the talking seal …"
Stephen Fry: Or "My wife came in just as I was hoovering the talking seal …"
Roger McGough: Well, it's either one of those wonderful Oz expressions for throwing up … "Excuse me, I've got to go hoover the talking seal …"
Stephen Fry: Or "My wife came in just as I was hoovering the talking seal …"
TV Show: QI
Roger McGough: [reciting a poem] A crab, I'm told, will not bite, Or poison you just for spite; Won't lie in wait beneath a stone, Until one morning out alone, You poke a finger like a fool Into an innocent-looking pool; Won't grab your hand And drag you off across the sand Down into the bottom of the sea To eat you dressed for Sunday tea. The crab, I'm told, is a bundle of fun. With claws like that? Pull the other one!
TV Show: QI
[Stephen has said that you get a better clean on a knife blade if you have it pointing up in the cutlery rack of a dishwasher.]
Phill Jupitus: I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish. I put them in the hoover and set it on blow, and then shoot them and trap them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug, bare-wired, at my feet, peeing on it! Gives it a better clean...
Phill Jupitus: I clean my knives in a crossbow. Some people say it's foolish. I put them in the hoover and set it on blow, and then shoot them and trap them around the kitchen, as I sit with a plug, bare-wired, at my feet, peeing on it! Gives it a better clean...
TV Show: QI
[A picture of a blood-spattered surgeon appears on the screen.]
Jo Brand: Can I just say, I'm so impressed you got a picture of my husband in our fantasy sex kit.
Jo Brand: Can I just say, I'm so impressed you got a picture of my husband in our fantasy sex kit.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Mithras was a savior sent to Earth to live as a mortal, through whom it was possible for sinners to be reborn into immortal life; he died for our sins but came back to life the following Sunday; he was born of a virgin on December 25th in a manger or, perhaps, a cave, attended by shepherds, and became known as The Light of the World; he had twelve disciples with whom he shared a last meal before dying; his devotees symbolically consumed the flesh and blood of him. Because Mithras was a sun god he was worshiped on Sundays...
Alan Davies: Is he a tribute band?
Alan Davies: Is he a tribute band?
TV Show: QI
Dara Ó Briain: [in thick Irish accent] And they stuck All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day around the time people were celebrating …
Stephen Fry: You know, I don't think there is an Arseholes Day.
Dara Ó Briain: You and your liberal agenda.
Stephen Fry: You know, I don't think there is an Arseholes Day.
Dara Ó Briain: You and your liberal agenda.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: Where is the best place to be when a nuclear bomb goes off?
Jimmy Carr: I would've gone with downtown Nagasaki. Because what are the chances of that happening again? You've got to play the odds.
Jimmy Carr: I would've gone with downtown Nagasaki. Because what are the chances of that happening again? You've got to play the odds.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: How can you tell that God is a civil engineer? Because when he designed the human body, he put the recreational area right next to the sewage outflow.
TV Show: QI
Stephen Fry: What could you make with an ultrasound rectal probe, a light-emitting tube, bicycle helmets, protective clothing, a huge tub of Vaseline, and a wheel-barrow?
Jimmy Carr: I could make you the happiest man alive.
Jimmy Carr: I could make you the happiest man alive.
TV Show: QI