Red Dwarf Quotes
Rimmer: I want a triple fried egg sandwich...
Lister: With chili sauce and chutney!
Holly: You what?
Lister: It's a state-of-the-art sarnie!
Holly: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.
Lister: With chili sauce and chutney!
Holly: You what?
Lister: It's a state-of-the-art sarnie!
Holly: It's the state of the floor I'm worried about.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat[to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat[to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat[to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat[to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
Rimmer: It's a rent in the space-time continuum.
Cat[to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: The stasis room freezes time, you know, makes time stand still. So whenever you have a leak, it must preserve whatever it's leaked into, and it's leaked into this room.
Cat[to Rimmer]: What is it?
Rimmer: It's singularity, a point in the universe where the normal laws of space and time don't apply.
Cat[to Lister]: What is it?
Lister: It's a hole back into the past.
Cat: Oh, a magic door! Well, why didn't you say?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Look... In three million years, you'll be dead.
Past Rimmer: [mock surprise]: Oh, will I really?
Rimmer: Yes, unless you do something about it now.
Past Rimmer: Oh, and what do you suggest I do, then? Eat less white bread? More roughage?
Past Rimmer: [mock surprise]: Oh, will I really?
Rimmer: Yes, unless you do something about it now.
Past Rimmer: Oh, and what do you suggest I do, then? Eat less white bread? More roughage?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Why do women always leave me? Why do they dump me for men who wear turtle neck sweaters and smoke a pipe? I mean natural yoghurt eaters. Reliable, sensible, dependable and lots of others words that end in ible. They're obsessed with house prices and spends half his life at antique fairs looking for bargains and drinking wine. It's never beer is it, it's always wine. 'What do you want on your cornflakes darling', 'oh I'll 'ave some wine please'.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly[after being insulted about his temporarily reduced IQ]: 6? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer, He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot. He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly, And the moral of the story; appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[from the song "Tongue-Tied," sung by Cat, Rimmer and Lister]
When I saw you for the first time (first time)
My knees began to quiver (quiver)
And I got a funny feeling (feeling)
In my kidneys and my liver (digestive system baby)
My hands they started shakin' (shakin')
My heart began a-thumpin' (boom, boom, boom)
My breakfast left my body (huey, huey, huey)
Now darling tell me somethin.'
When I saw you for the first time (first time)
My knees began to quiver (quiver)
And I got a funny feeling (feeling)
In my kidneys and my liver (digestive system baby)
My hands they started shakin' (shakin')
My heart began a-thumpin' (boom, boom, boom)
My breakfast left my body (huey, huey, huey)
Now darling tell me somethin.'
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly: I just don't know where we are. There's no two ways about it: I flamingoed up!
Rimmer: What do you mean?
Holly: It's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.
Rimmer: What do you mean?
Holly: It's like a cock-up, only much much bigger.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: We ain't gonna find 'em. They're gone, buddy. But look on the bright side — they're gone, buddy!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: Is that what I think it is?
Lister: What do you think it is?
Cat: An orange whirly thing in space!
Lister: It's a time hole. That's where they are. We're going in.
Cat: Are you crazy We can't go in there!
Lister: Why not?
Cat: Orange, with this suit?
Lister: What do you think it is?
Cat: An orange whirly thing in space!
Lister: It's a time hole. That's where they are. We're going in.
Cat: Are you crazy We can't go in there!
Lister: Why not?
Cat: Orange, with this suit?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Holly: Well, the thing about a black hole - its main distinguishing feature - is it's black. And the thing about space, the colour of space, your basic space colour, is black. So how are you supposed to see them?
Rimmer: But five of them? . How can you manage to miss five black holes?
Holly: It's always the way, innit? You hang around for three million years in deep space and there hasn't been one, then all of a sudden five turn up at once.
Rimmer: But five of them? . How can you manage to miss five black holes?
Holly: It's always the way, innit? You hang around for three million years in deep space and there hasn't been one, then all of a sudden five turn up at once.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: [While Lister is examining his 19th century toy soldiers] Please be careful with those, they're antiques! How's General Dumuoriez going to look with goat vindaloo all over his tunic?
Lister: It'll make him look more realistic, it'll look like he's got dysentery.
Lister: It'll make him look more realistic, it'll look like he's got dysentery.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: He told me that in a previous incarnation I was Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.
Lister: You know what? I believe you.
Rimmer: To have lived a life alongside one of the greatest commanders of all time! No wonder the military's in my blood!
Lister: No wonder you're such a good singer!
Lister: You know what? I believe you.
Rimmer: To have lived a life alongside one of the greatest commanders of all time! No wonder the military's in my blood!
Lister: No wonder you're such a good singer!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Mayday, Mayday! I wonder why they call it "Mayday" ? It's only a bank holiday. Why not "Shrove Tuesday", or "Ascension Sunday" ? Ascension Sunday, Ascension Sunday! 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost, 2nd Wednesday after Pentecost!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Twelve?! (pause) You can't have been a full member of the golf club, then.
Lister: Of course I wasn't! It was just a place to go!
Rimmer: You did it (i.e. have sex) on a golf course and you weren't a member?
Lister: It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'!
Lister: Of course I wasn't! It was just a place to go!
Rimmer: You did it (i.e. have sex) on a golf course and you weren't a member?
Lister: It wasn't in the middle of the Ryder Cup or anythin'!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Imagine getting your golf ball stuck in Lister's buttock crevice. You'd need more than a niblick to get that out.
Lister: Are you saying I've got a big bum?
Rimmer: Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.
Lister: Are you saying I've got a big bum?
Rimmer: Big? It's like two badly parked Volkswagens.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Erm, I think we're losing sight of the real issue here, which is: what are we gonna call ourselves? Erm, and I think it comes down to a choice between "The League Against Salivating Monsters" or my own personal preference, which is "The Committee for the Liberation and Integration of Terrifying Organisms and their Rehabilitation Into Society." Erm, one drawback with that: the abbreviation is "CLITORIS."
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: The time for talking is over. Now call it extreme if you like, but I propose we hit it hard and we hit it fast, with a major, and I mean major, leaflet campaign.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Polymorph (as Rimmer's Mum): The things that he can do with alphabetti spaghetti.
Rimmer: ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI!!!!
Rimmer: ALPHABETTI SPAGHETTI!!!!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Have you ever been in dissection class held up a frog by its head? You know the way its belly sort of sticks out above its spindly little legs? Well, that's the picture I see when you get down from the bunk in the morning.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[Cat and Lister are playing Scrabble.]
Cat: Hey hey hey, I've got you now, buddy! J, O, Z, X, Y, Q, K!
Lister: That's not a word.
Cat: It's a Cat word.
Lister: Jozxyqk?
Cat: That's not how you pronounce it!
Lister: What does it mean?
Cat: It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.
Lister: Is it in the dictionary?
Cat: Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick. Jozxyqk!!!
Cat: Hey hey hey, I've got you now, buddy! J, O, Z, X, Y, Q, K!
Lister: That's not a word.
Cat: It's a Cat word.
Lister: Jozxyqk?
Cat: That's not how you pronounce it!
Lister: What does it mean?
Cat: It's the sound you make when you get your sexual organs trapped in something.
Lister: Is it in the dictionary?
Cat: Well it could be, if you're reading in the nude and close the book too quick. Jozxyqk!!!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: When you're younger you can eat what you like, drink what you like, and still climb into your 26" waist trousers and zip them closed. Then you reach that age, 24-25, your muscles give up, they wave a little white flag, and without any warning at all you're suddenly a fat bastard
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: I used to be in the Samaritans.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.
Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
Rimmer: Well, it's not my fault everyone chose that day to jump out of buildings! It made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.
Lister: I know. For one morning.
Rimmer: I couldn't take any more.
Lister: I don't blame you. You spoke to five people and they all committed suicide. I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number! He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
Rimmer: Well, it's not my fault everyone chose that day to jump out of buildings! It made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday," they called it.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: At least he gets 24 hours notice, that's more than most of us get. Most of us get "Mind that bus!" "What bus?" "Splat!"
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Now I know mechanoids aren't allowed to harm humans, so I suggest you hop it, me laddo, or you'll see a side of me you shan't much like.
Lister: Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?
Lister: Whats he gonna do, drop his trousers?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: He's an android. His brain couldn't handle the concept of there being no silicon heaven.
Lister: So how come yours can?
Kryten: Because I knew something he didn't.
Lister: What?
Kryten: I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?
Lister: So how come yours can?
Kryten: Because I knew something he didn't.
Lister: What?
Kryten: I knew I was lying. No silicon heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?
TV Show: Red Dwarf