Red Dwarf Quotes
Kryten: These are our higher selves. They are who we could have become if all the negative aspects of our characters were removed.
Rimmer: You mean hippies.
Kryten: With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.
Rimmer: Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?
Rimmer: You mean hippies.
Kryten: With respect sir, you think Jesus was a hippie.
Rimmer: Well, he was. He had long hair and he didn't have a job. What more do you want?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: Question which occurs: if this ocean is supposed to be teeming with new lifeforms, where are they all?
Lister: What are you implying?
Kryten: No implication intended, sir.
Lister: Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.
Kryten: That's one option.
Lister: Any alternatives?
Kryten: None that occur.
Lister: What are you implying?
Kryten: No implication intended, sir.
Lister: Yes, there is. You're saying there's some huge damn fish out there, aren't yer? Some kinda gigantic weird pre-historic leviathan who's porked his way through this entire ocean.
Kryten: That's one option.
Lister: Any alternatives?
Kryten: None that occur.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: This venom — are we safe in here?
Lister: It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.
Rimmer: It's coming straight for us.
Lister: There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.
Cat: To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!
Lister: It penetrated the hull of a class D space corps seeding ship. In comparison, we're a sardine tin.
Rimmer: It's coming straight for us.
Lister: There's only three alternatives: it thinks we're either a threat, food or a mate.... It's either gonna kill us, eat us or hump us. Either we persuade him we're not that kinda oceanic salvage vessel, or we scarper pronto.
Cat: To get diddled by a giant squid on a first date? Think how I'd feel in the morning!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: There, on the floor... P-S-I-R-E-N-S... "Psirens?"
Kryten: The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: But who would do that?
Lister: Someone who BADLY needed a pen.
Cat: What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.
Kryten: The poor sucker must have written it using a combination of his own blood, and even his own intestines.
Rimmer: But who would do that?
Lister: Someone who BADLY needed a pen.
Cat: What I wanna know is why he went to the trouble of using his own kidney as a full-stop.
Rimmer: I don't think he meant to do that. I think it just... plopped out.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[Starbug is threatened by a giant rogue asteroid that could be a mere illusion.]
Kryten: Suggest we maintain course. That asteroid does not exist.
Rimmer: Suppose you're wrong?
Kryten: Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.
Rimmer: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.
Kryten: No, sir, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade.
Kryten: Suggest we maintain course. That asteroid does not exist.
Rimmer: Suppose you're wrong?
Kryten: Sir, I'll stake my reputation on it.
Rimmer: Kryten, you haven't got a reputation.
Kryten: No, sir, but I'm hoping to acquire one from this escapade.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Step up to Red Alert!
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
Kryten: Sir, are you absolutely sure? It does mean changing the bulb.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Look, maybe we can reason with it. Open communication channels, Lister. Broadcast on all known frequencies, and in all known languages, including Welsh. This is acting senior officer Arnold J Rimmer of the Jupiter Mining Corporation transport vehicle Star Bug. Now hear this, 'cos it's only coming once: We surrender, totally and without condition. Thank you for listening. Oh, additional: sorry to take up your valuable time. Sorry. Thank you. Sorry. Bye. Bye. Sorry. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Lister, she's a computer sprite. She's just a load of pixels.
Lister: Yeah, but what pixels.
Lister: Yeah, but what pixels.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: You're going to go with one of my plans? Are you nuts? What happens if we all get killed? I'll never hear the last of it.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[First lines of the episode; Rimmer is trying to get the sleeping Lister and Cat to take part in an emergency drill]
Rimmer: SCRAMBLE! SCRAMBLE!
Lister: [sleepily] Yeah, that'll be great with bacon and beans, man.
Rimmer: SCRAMBLE! SCRAMBLE!
Lister: [sleepily] Yeah, that'll be great with bacon and beans, man.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: Look what it did to me! It's turned me into Duane Dibbley — the Duke of Dork.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[While looking for the Emohawk]
Kryten: According to the psi-scan, it's somewhere in this location.
Lister: It's the barrel! [shoots at the barrel] Sorry. False alarm. That chain, it's moving! [shoots chain] Sorry. Sorry.
Kryten: Sir, try and remain calm. You're experiencing a classic knee-jerk, paranoid reaction to a terror situation. It's essential at this time that we - IT'S THE WALL! [shoots the wall] Shame overload. I... I... I sorry.
Kryten: According to the psi-scan, it's somewhere in this location.
Lister: It's the barrel! [shoots at the barrel] Sorry. False alarm. That chain, it's moving! [shoots chain] Sorry. Sorry.
Kryten: Sir, try and remain calm. You're experiencing a classic knee-jerk, paranoid reaction to a terror situation. It's essential at this time that we - IT'S THE WALL! [shoots the wall] Shame overload. I... I... I sorry.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: But, sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer.
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
Kryten: But, sir, we lost Mr. Rimmer.
Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: There's got to be a way out. There hasn't been a prison built that could hold Derek Custer. Why don't we scrape away this mortar here, slide one of these bricks out, then using a rope weaved from strands of this hessian, rig up a kind of a pulley system so that when a guard comes in, using it as a trip wire, gets laid out, and we put Rimmer in the guard's uniform, he leads us out, we steal some swords, and fight our way back to the 'bug.
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.
Kryten: Or we could use the teleporter.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: It can't have gone unnoticed that morale is at an all-time low. We've lost all trace of Red Dwarf and supplies are low. So I have decided to appoint myself morale officer and set myself the task of raising morale all round. Now I thought it would productive if we all met once a week and had a coffee or a beer — whatever's your poison — and get any troubles we may have off our chests. Any objections? [the others mutter agreement.] Well, as it's week one, why don't I start? You know what it is about Lister that really makes me want to puke? That really makes me want to stab him in both eyes with an icepick? Everything, that's what. Especially his godawful chirpy gerbil-faced optimism. And as for the Cat — what an unbelievable git. And Kryten — if he doesn't change pronto, I swear I'll attach jump leads to his nipple nuts and fry him like a Cajun catfish. Well, that's cleared the air. I don't know about you, but I certainly feel better. Thank for your contributions gentlemen. See you at next week's morale meeting. Marvellous. [exits]
Lister: Good meeting.
Lister: Good meeting.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[The Dwarfers acquire a time travel device, testing it out by sending the ship to the year 1421]
Rimmer: Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.
Lister: Okay, punching it up.
[They see nothing but empty space]
Lister: Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!
Kryten: Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?
Rimmer: So we're still three million years away from Earth?
Rimmer: Give us visual. Let's see what it's like out there.
Lister: Okay, punching it up.
[They see nothing but empty space]
Lister: Hey, I don't get it! We're still where we were!
Kryten: Of course. We're still in deep space, sir, only now we're in deep space in the 15th century. Isn't it wonderful?
Rimmer: So we're still three million years away from Earth?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[From the last scene not shown in the final cut]
Lister: They aren't margaritas, that's urine recyc!
Lister: They aren't margaritas, that's urine recyc!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Do you think it's because the subspace conduits have locked with the transponder calibrations and caused a major tachyon surge that has overloaded the time matrix?
Kryten: Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.
Kryten: Ah, no, sir. I've just been jabbing it too hard.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: How come you need more memory? Over the years you've had more RAM than a field of sheep!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Ace: You can't judge a book by its cover.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.
Lister: And you can't confuse Rimmer with a book. For a start, a book's got a spine.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Ace: Princess Bonjella? Ace Rimmer. There'll be time for explanations later and, hopefully, some sex.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Are you my faithful man servant or what?
Kryten: I'm ashamed to be with you sir. I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr Rimmer's soup.
Kryten: I'm ashamed to be with you sir. I haven't been this embarrassed since I was loosening my adjustment screws, and my entire groinal box dropped into Mr Rimmer's soup.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kochanski: How did I end up like this, on a ship where the fourth most popular pastime is going down to the laundry room and watching my knickers spin dry?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[Lyrics to the The Rimmer Song in The Rimmer Experience: ]
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
More reliable than a garden strimmer,
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner;
He's not bald, and his head doesn't glimmer.
He's Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer,
More reliable than a garden strimmer,
He's never been mistaken for Yul Brynner;
He's not bald, and his head doesn't glimmer.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Master of the wit and the repartee,
His command of space directives is uncanny.
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me!
Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer.
He's also a fantastic swimmer,
And if you play your cards right,
Then he just might come round for dinner.
His command of space directives is uncanny.
How come he's such a genius? Don't ask me!
Ask Arnold, Arnold, Arnold Rimmer.
He's also a fantastic swimmer,
And if you play your cards right,
Then he just might come round for dinner.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kochanski: Let's at least ask someone who's at least going to give us a slightly more intelligent opinion. Hello, wall! What do you think?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[The crew discusses a plan to remove Lister's arm to save his life.]
Lister: Can you explain it to me? Something a bit more confidence-stirring than "Can I hack off your limb?"
Kryten: The plan is to inject antivirals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm.
Lister: And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got?... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.
Lister: Can you explain it to me? Something a bit more confidence-stirring than "Can I hack off your limb?"
Kryten: The plan is to inject antivirals in a precise pattern through your body, forcing epideme into your arm.
Lister: And then you cut it off. Great plan. What choice have I got?... Okay, but make it my left arm, okay. 'Cause my right arm does all my favourite things.
TV Show: Red Dwarf