Red Dwarf Quotes
Kryten: I take it we're speaking with the Epideme virus?
Epideme: Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous — give him two!
Epideme: Give that man an eyebrow! Hey, I'm feeling generous — give him two!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kochanski: Hi. I'm so sorry.
Lister: My left arm I said. Thats my right. What kind of Navigation Officer can't tell left from right?
Lister: My left arm I said. Thats my right. What kind of Navigation Officer can't tell left from right?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: Sir, you're awake!
Cat: Buddy you look great! (Puts out hand to shake Lister's before realising he put his right hand out)
Cat: Buddy you look great! (Puts out hand to shake Lister's before realising he put his right hand out)
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: Forget Red — let's go all the way up to Brown Alert!
Kryten: There's no such thing as a Brown Alert, sir.
Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute! And don't say I didn't alert you!
Kryten: There's no such thing as a Brown Alert, sir.
Cat: You won't be saying that in a minute! And don't say I didn't alert you!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Hey guys, look at me body.
Cat: Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede.
Cat: Now there is an invitation that will NOT cause a stampede.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Captain Hollister: Rimmer, is this salute ever going to end? Do I have time to go for a cup of coffee? Maybe go on vacation?
Rimmer: Nearly finished, sir. This is my very special extra long salute I reserve for the especially important, sir.
Rimmer: Nearly finished, sir. This is my very special extra long salute I reserve for the especially important, sir.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony and I'm cracking up. Everyone's so deranged and brutal, it's frightening. This afternoon I was so depressed I went to see the social worker.
Lister: Was he any help?
Rimmer: Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, Showing Compassion to Inmates.
Lister: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?
Rimmer: In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.
Lister: What did he say?
Rimmer: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.
Lister: Was he any help?
Rimmer: Not really; he beat me up. He said I was a whining nancy-boy with girlie white legs, then pummelled me repeatedly with his book, Showing Compassion to Inmates.
Lister: I thought social workers were supposed to be nice?
Rimmer: In the end I was so shell-shocked I went to see the priest and explained everything.
Lister: What did he say?
Rimmer: He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum. Then he beat me up, too. You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Captain Hollister: I also suspect that someone, possibly Lister, has given Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files, and he's using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command. It's sickening. It's unforgivable. But it's a technique that can work. I should know; I used the same method myself to become captain. If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the Doughnut Boy, I'm finished.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister[about their two-year prison sentence]: It's only two years; what, with good behaviour, it'll probably only be eighteen months. Remember when you were first born, then you were eighteen months? The time just flashed past!
Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.
Rimmer: It flashed past because you had two breasts big as your head at your beck and call day and night! Give me that now and I wouldn't be whinging.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cassandra: All the Canaries will be dead within one hour, except for Rimmer —
Rimmer: YES!
Cassandra: — who will be dead in twenty minutes.
Rimmer: YES!
Cassandra: — who will be dead in twenty minutes.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
[Lister and Rimmer plan to leave after seeing Krytie TV's "Ladies Shower Night," fearing it could damage their appeal]
Rimmer: I want no part of this.
Lister: Me neither.
Rimmer: We've gotta go.
Lister: Right now.
Rimmer: Not a minute to lose.
Lister: I'm dust.
Rimmer: Me too. After two. One, two, go!
[They still sit there, moving their heads sideways, while watching the feature.]
Rimmer: I want no part of this.
Lister: Me neither.
Rimmer: We've gotta go.
Lister: Right now.
Rimmer: Not a minute to lose.
Lister: I'm dust.
Rimmer: Me too. After two. One, two, go!
[They still sit there, moving their heads sideways, while watching the feature.]
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten: First, we sabotage the date.
Lister: What, "we"? You mean you're gonna help me?
Kryten: Step on board the "love express," sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe. This is what you leave in his quarters. A half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.
Lister: Is it? I like those.
Kryten: Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly." What a total dweebo nerdmeister he'll look with those!
Rimmer: They're mine!
Kryten: And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.
Rimmer: [exasperated] They're mine!
Kryten: And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.
Rimmer: Have you been going through my things?
Lister: What, "we"? You mean you're gonna help me?
Kryten: Step on board the "love express," sir! Now, we get to his quarters through the air vents; I've paid off the guards. Then you make him look like the nerdiest slob in the entire universe. This is what you leave in his quarters. A half-eaten onion sandwich. That's always a passion-killer.
Lister: Is it? I like those.
Kryten: Then there's this: "Morris Dancer Monthly." What a total dweebo nerdmeister he'll look with those!
Rimmer: They're mine!
Kryten: And then there's these: tragically unfashionable underpants.
Rimmer: [exasperated] They're mine!
Kryten: And finally: Christian rock music. It that doesn't scare her off, nothing will.
Rimmer: Have you been going through my things?
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: [Trying to get a sick note] He didn't think it was possible to get Athlete's Hand!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: Hol: need some advice, mate. We've been cornered by a T-Rex that was formerly a sparrow, and the only thing that can turn it back into Woody Woodpecker is in its stomach. What's your take on the situation?
Holly: What do you want — the long or the short version?
Lister: Oh. Long.
Holly: You're finished.
Cat: What's the short version?
Holly: Bye.
Holly: What do you want — the long or the short version?
Lister: Oh. Long.
Holly: You're finished.
Cat: What's the short version?
Holly: Bye.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Both Birdman and Pete have been restored to their former selves
Rimmer: Now, destroy the time wand.
Lister: This machine's priceless!
Rimmer: Destroy it.
[Lister destroys the time wand. Moments later, a giant dinosaur egg is discovered behind a corner.]
Lister: Wh-what do we do now??
Rimmer: Now...rebuild...the time wand! It's absolutely priceless!
Rimmer: Now, destroy the time wand.
Lister: This machine's priceless!
Rimmer: Destroy it.
[Lister destroys the time wand. Moments later, a giant dinosaur egg is discovered behind a corner.]
Lister: Wh-what do we do now??
Rimmer: Now...rebuild...the time wand! It's absolutely priceless!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Death: Arnold Judas Rimmer, your life is over. Come with me. You will travel to the River Styx, where you will place a coin and —
Rimmer: Not today, matey! [knees Death in the groin] Remember, only the good die young!
Death: [gasping] That's... never happened before.
Rimmer: Not today, matey! [knees Death in the groin] Remember, only the good die young!
Death: [gasping] That's... never happened before.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Why don't you smegging well smeg off, you annoying little smeggy smegging smegger!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Mirror Cat: (Smells it)Hmm its an alkaline!
Rimmer: Oh yes? What's it called?
Mirror Cat: (Quite fast) Sesiumfrankalithicmixialabidiumrixidixidoxidexidroxide!
Rimmer: Oh yes? What's it called?
Mirror Cat: (Quite fast) Sesiumfrankalithicmixialabidiumrixidixidoxidexidroxide!
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: I'm walking through the cargo deck, right? Minding my own damn business. When all of a sudden, you know that big tank on G deck?
Lister: He means the water tank.
Cat: Suddenly there is a disturbance on the surface of the tank and this massive testicle shoots out of the water and grabs me by the throat.
Lister: He means tentacle.
Rimmer: I hope so.
Lister: He means the water tank.
Cat: Suddenly there is a disturbance on the surface of the tank and this massive testicle shoots out of the water and grabs me by the throat.
Lister: He means tentacle.
Rimmer: I hope so.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Lister: You were supposed to be manning the sonar, Rimmer! You could have gotten us all killed!
Rimmer: Is this about you again? It is, isn't it? Can't you see right now I need some me time? My heart is still hammering. I don't know how I got through that.
Lister: You wasn't even there!
Rimmer: I was nearly there. That's close enough for me.
Rimmer: Is this about you again? It is, isn't it? Can't you see right now I need some me time? My heart is still hammering. I don't know how I got through that.
Lister: You wasn't even there!
Rimmer: I was nearly there. That's close enough for me.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Katerina: Something is not right! It's saying we don't exist! How can this be possible? "Taking to nearest valid reality". Makes no sense at all.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Katerina: You think you outsmart me, yes? But you don't, I here. Cut a second hole.
Rimmer: Science officer, excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us.
Katerina: You gave me slip, I know. You not want to be erased. But you won't defeat me, I too smart.
Rimmer: Erase me? I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.
Katerina: No, hologram already dead. Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine!
Rimmer: Fair enough. [Rimmer suddenly pushes her into oncoming traffic, and her image shorts out] Come on, we haven't got all day.
Kryten: She didn't see that coming did she. I did.
Rimmer: Science officer, excellent. So pleased you've caught up with us.
Katerina: You gave me slip, I know. You not want to be erased. But you won't defeat me, I too smart.
Rimmer: Erase me? I thought it was murder to kill a hologram.
Katerina: No, hologram already dead. Morally, ethically, hologram killing fine!
Rimmer: Fair enough. [Rimmer suddenly pushes her into oncoming traffic, and her image shorts out] Come on, we haven't got all day.
Kryten: She didn't see that coming did she. I did.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Cat: Whats going to happen to everybody in the reality we left? The guys all watching us on T.V?
Kryten: Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.
Rimmer: But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.
Lister: And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?
Rimmer: Laugh.
Lister: Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.
Kryten: Well, they will continue to exist as a consequence of us creating them in our hallucination, sir. Its quantum mechanics, every decision that is made creates a new universe, as do all dreams and hallucinations, its multi-verse 1.0.1.
Rimmer: But those sad suckers will live out the rest of their lives convinced they're the real ones and we are characters from a T.V show.
Lister: And you know if you tell them the truth, you know what they would probably do?
Rimmer: Laugh.
Lister: Yeah. [They all snigger] They probably would.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
0.57 seconds before he expired, Rimmer realised he was going to die. His life didn't flash before his eyes. He didn't think of his parents, or his brothers, or his home. He didn't think of the failed exams or the wasted time in the stasis booths. He didn't even think of his one brief affair with Yvonne McGruder, the ship's female boxing champion.
What he did think of was a bowl of soup. A bowl of gazpacho soup.
Then he died.
Then everyone died.
What he did think of was a bowl of soup. A bowl of gazpacho soup.
Then he died.
Then everyone died.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Kryten was teriffic. A real godsend. Provided all you needed was a plateful of triangular-shaped cucumber sandwiches with the crust removed and a pot of lemon tea. If, on the other hand, you needed someone to scrape uranium ore free of waste and pack it into sealed cases, all you got was another plateful of cucumber sandwiches and a second pot of lemon tea.
TV Show: Red Dwarf
Rimmer: Spaghettification. Let me guess. I can see only two options: one -- due to the bizarre effects of the intense gravitational pull, and because we're entering a region of time and space where the laws of physics no longer apply, we all of us inexplicably develop an irresistible urge to consume vast amounts of a certain wheat-based Italian noodle conventionally served with Parmesan cheese; or two -- we, the crew, get turned into spaghetti. I have a feeling we can eliminate option one.
TV Show: Red Dwarf