Red vs. Blue Quotes
Simmons: Hang up the fucking phone! [People yell]
Sister: God, chill out everybody, I have to take this! It could be incredibly important! [answers] Yo, what up, fools? [people yell] Oh, nothing. Whatcha doing? [More yelling] Aw, no way! I'm watching that movie right now too! [yelling] Oh snap, we're in the same theater! [Donut stands up]
Donut: What's up, girl?
Sister: What's up, dawg? God, doesn't this movie suck? All the people in here are assholes!
Sister: God, chill out everybody, I have to take this! It could be incredibly important! [answers] Yo, what up, fools? [people yell] Oh, nothing. Whatcha doing? [More yelling] Aw, no way! I'm watching that movie right now too! [yelling] Oh snap, we're in the same theater! [Donut stands up]
Donut: What's up, girl?
Sister: What's up, dawg? God, doesn't this movie suck? All the people in here are assholes!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Hey, can we wrap this up? I gotta get to a movie in a few minutes and I need to get a new tape for my video camera.
Grif: You're going to video tape the movie?
Church: Yeah, so?
Grif: Oh man, you gotta go digital! You'll get a much better copy for the black market.
Church: Oh, good idea, man. Thanks. You know, I just hope no one makes too much noise during the show. People who talk during movies are really ruining the industry.
Grif: Yeah, there ought to be a law.
Grif: You're going to video tape the movie?
Church: Yeah, so?
Grif: Oh man, you gotta go digital! You'll get a much better copy for the black market.
Church: Oh, good idea, man. Thanks. You know, I just hope no one makes too much noise during the show. People who talk during movies are really ruining the industry.
Grif: Yeah, there ought to be a law.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: [Standing amid a pile of junk] Someone help me - I lost my gas powered internet-enabled blow dryer! I have a lot of moistness that I need to dismoisten! And also I need to do it while I am webpaging about moistness.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: Sarge, did you just skate in here on a pair of robot vacuums?
Sarge: Don't be ridiculous, Simmons. These are robot vacuum smart-phones! You see the answer to today's overabundance of technology isn't fewer useless gadgets, it's more useless features in fewer usable gadgets!
Simmons: What?
Sarge: And of course it plays MP3s. Everything's gotta play MP3s - except your MP3 player! It now plays MP4s, 'cause everybody knows MP3s are a dead technology. They're our generation's betamax. And the next generation's Blu-ray.
Grif: What? Blu-ray just came out. It can't be obsolete already.
Sarge: Nonsense, numb-nuts. Being released to the public is what makes technology obsolete. The only way to stay ahead of the curve is to invest in products that don't exist, and hopefully never will. Like the iPlunger, or the Nintendonut.
Simmons: Hhh, or the Simmons two point five upgrade...
Sarge: Aw, that's just vaporware and you know it. Anyway, everybody knows this year's Blu-ray, is gonna be Red-ray. Heh heh.
Grif: What about HD-DVD?
Sarge: Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy. So it's being replaced with HHD DDVVDDBVDs.
Sarge: Don't be ridiculous, Simmons. These are robot vacuum smart-phones! You see the answer to today's overabundance of technology isn't fewer useless gadgets, it's more useless features in fewer usable gadgets!
Simmons: What?
Sarge: And of course it plays MP3s. Everything's gotta play MP3s - except your MP3 player! It now plays MP4s, 'cause everybody knows MP3s are a dead technology. They're our generation's betamax. And the next generation's Blu-ray.
Grif: What? Blu-ray just came out. It can't be obsolete already.
Sarge: Nonsense, numb-nuts. Being released to the public is what makes technology obsolete. The only way to stay ahead of the curve is to invest in products that don't exist, and hopefully never will. Like the iPlunger, or the Nintendonut.
Simmons: Hhh, or the Simmons two point five upgrade...
Sarge: Aw, that's just vaporware and you know it. Anyway, everybody knows this year's Blu-ray, is gonna be Red-ray. Heh heh.
Grif: What about HD-DVD?
Sarge: Bad marketing. Not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy. So it's being replaced with HHD DDVVDDBVDs.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Actually I just came back from the future. I got this new wristwatch, it's got a pedometer and a built-in time machine. Oh and it also plays MP3s. But in the future we don't call 'em MP3s. We call 'em MP48s
Grif: Sweet
Church: Yeah, you can also play MP48s on your HHDDVVDD BVD player
Sarge: Dar dern They stole my idea!
Grif: Sweet
Church: Yeah, you can also play MP48s on your HHDDVVDD BVD player
Sarge: Dar dern They stole my idea!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: I would just like everyone to know, I found my nucular powered SMS-messaging bowling ball. And I'm going to activate it now if anyone wants to text me while I'm playing.
Andy: Hey! I already told you, those ain't finger holes!
Simmons: Hey! I think Andy's resting on one of those laptops with the exploding batteries!
Grif: Uh-oh. [boom!]
Andy: Hey! I already told you, those ain't finger holes!
Simmons: Hey! I think Andy's resting on one of those laptops with the exploding batteries!
Grif: Uh-oh. [boom!]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
O'Malley: Mwhahaha!! Blarg blarg honk, haha!
O'Malley: Mwhaha! Blarg honk, you say?
Sarge: Blargity blarg... Ya honkbag.
Tucker: Honk honk blarg blarg. Honkhonkblargblarg. Honk-honky blarg?
Sarge: Blarg. And also, honk. Are these really my lines? This is ridiculous! Who wrote this?!
Grif: Line...
Sarge: Enough blargin, when do I get to beat up Grif? He's got a honking coming to him!
Simmons: Whats the motivation here? Is there like, a boss alien whose ass I should be kissing? Honk honk blarg, sir!
Grif: Hey Simmons. Is it just me, or do you have your head halfway up Sarge's blonk?
Donut: Hey, guys! Honk honk blarg blarg. Honk blarg blarg, blarg honk!
Grif: This is stupid. This character has less lines than I do.
Grif: Blargever, dude.
Tucker: What am I talking about?
Caboose: I'm an alien.
Tucker: Well, what do the alien chicks look like?
Caboose: I AM AN ALIEN!
Tucker: Do they like to honk?
Caboose: (not pausing) I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien.
Church: Honk honk, blarg blarg, goddammit, honk.
Sheila: [As a Wraith tank] Honk honk. Firing main blarg
Church: [Fires sniper rifle] See? I'm telling you, there is something wrong with this honking thing. It doesn't work as an alien or as a person.
Lopez: (after a long pause) ...El honk.
Church: Hey reds, you honk! Blue blargs!
Donut: Who wants to see my honk honk? Go on, give it a blarg!
Church: Shut the blarg up!!!
O'Malley: Mwhaha! Blarg honk, you say?
Sarge: Blargity blarg... Ya honkbag.
Tucker: Honk honk blarg blarg. Honkhonkblargblarg. Honk-honky blarg?
Sarge: Blarg. And also, honk. Are these really my lines? This is ridiculous! Who wrote this?!
Grif: Line...
Sarge: Enough blargin, when do I get to beat up Grif? He's got a honking coming to him!
Simmons: Whats the motivation here? Is there like, a boss alien whose ass I should be kissing? Honk honk blarg, sir!
Grif: Hey Simmons. Is it just me, or do you have your head halfway up Sarge's blonk?
Donut: Hey, guys! Honk honk blarg blarg. Honk blarg blarg, blarg honk!
Grif: This is stupid. This character has less lines than I do.
Grif: Blargever, dude.
Tucker: What am I talking about?
Caboose: I'm an alien.
Tucker: Well, what do the alien chicks look like?
Caboose: I AM AN ALIEN!
Tucker: Do they like to honk?
Caboose: (not pausing) I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien, I'm an alien.
Church: Honk honk, blarg blarg, goddammit, honk.
Sheila: [As a Wraith tank] Honk honk. Firing main blarg
Church: [Fires sniper rifle] See? I'm telling you, there is something wrong with this honking thing. It doesn't work as an alien or as a person.
Lopez: (after a long pause) ...El honk.
Church: Hey reds, you honk! Blue blargs!
Donut: Who wants to see my honk honk? Go on, give it a blarg!
Church: Shut the blarg up!!!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: I also have my own achievables!
Simmons: Shut up blue! We haven't even made any for you guys yet.
Caboose: Yes you have, see? Bleep Bloop. [A fake achievement pops up saying: You Got Achevables]
Simmons: That's not a real achievement!
Caboose: Yes it is, bleep bloop. [Another fake achievement pops up saying: 10 Points Yes It Is.]
Simmons: No! You can't do that! You can't fake the achievements they have to be approved! [A video achievement pops up saying: 10G - Wahmbulance, Whine like a bitch.]
Caboose: Bleep Bloop.
Simmons: Stop saying bleep bloop!
Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bleep Bloop]
Simmons: Stop it!
Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bleep Bloop]
Simmons: Stop it!
Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bloop Bloop]
Simmons: Okay, that's it, I quit.
Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Daboop Doop] I have so many achievables! Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: 1 Billion Point, won the video]
Caboose: [After a very long pause] Bleep Bloop! [Fake Achievement: Secret Bloop]
Simmons: Shut up blue! We haven't even made any for you guys yet.
Caboose: Yes you have, see? Bleep Bloop. [A fake achievement pops up saying: You Got Achevables]
Simmons: That's not a real achievement!
Caboose: Yes it is, bleep bloop. [Another fake achievement pops up saying: 10 Points Yes It Is.]
Simmons: No! You can't do that! You can't fake the achievements they have to be approved! [A video achievement pops up saying: 10G - Wahmbulance, Whine like a bitch.]
Caboose: Bleep Bloop.
Simmons: Stop saying bleep bloop!
Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bleep Bloop]
Simmons: Stop it!
Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bleep Bloop]
Simmons: Stop it!
Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Bloop Bloop]
Simmons: Okay, that's it, I quit.
Caboose: Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: Daboop Doop] I have so many achievables! Bleep Bloop. [Fake Achievement: 1 Billion Point, won the video]
Caboose: [After a very long pause] Bleep Bloop! [Fake Achievement: Secret Bloop]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Why, hello! I'm Sarge from the popular webseries, Red vs. Blue.
Simmons: And I'm Private Dick Simmons from the same show. Recently, the Red vs. Blue production offices suffered a major fire that threatened to burn down an entire city block.
Sarge: Hmm, allegedly.
Simmons: So, our producers, and the judge, thought it would be a valuable service to the community if we made a PSA describing what we learned from the event.
[Cut to Hologram Room.]
Sarge: So today, we'll be presenting Red vs. Blue's "Fire Safety Tips".
Simmons: You may be asking yourself, "What is fire?" If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You're probably also asking things like, "What am the sky?" and, "How does eat food?" Even cavemen knew what fire was you dumbass.
Sarge: And sure, you may know what fire is, but can you tell if something you own is on fire? You should look for the following signs: 1. Smoke
2. Heat
3. Fire
Sarge: Things that are on fire, typically have fire on them. It's a dead giveaway.
Simmons: So, what do you do if you're caught in a fire? We've assembled a quick list of tips to remember if you ever find yourself in a raging inferno.
Sarge: Step 1. Panic. Any modern scientist will tell you that fire requires and oxygen environment to burn. That same scientist will also tell you that the human body expels carbon dioxide with every breath. So screaming and panicking will rob a fire of its vital nutrients, thus putting it out.
Simmons: This tactic will vary based on the size of the fire. A very small flame will only require a minor amount of panic.
[Cut to Caboose standing in front of a fire.]
Caboose: I am somewhat concerned they are going to make another Indiana Jones movie. [The fire disappears.]
[Cut back to Sarge and Simmons
Simmons: And I'm Private Dick Simmons from the same show. Recently, the Red vs. Blue production offices suffered a major fire that threatened to burn down an entire city block.
Sarge: Hmm, allegedly.
Simmons: So, our producers, and the judge, thought it would be a valuable service to the community if we made a PSA describing what we learned from the event.
[Cut to Hologram Room.]
Sarge: So today, we'll be presenting Red vs. Blue's "Fire Safety Tips".
Simmons: You may be asking yourself, "What is fire?" If you're asking that, it's because you're an idiot. You're probably also asking things like, "What am the sky?" and, "How does eat food?" Even cavemen knew what fire was you dumbass.
Sarge: And sure, you may know what fire is, but can you tell if something you own is on fire? You should look for the following signs: 1. Smoke
2. Heat
3. Fire
Sarge: Things that are on fire, typically have fire on them. It's a dead giveaway.
Simmons: So, what do you do if you're caught in a fire? We've assembled a quick list of tips to remember if you ever find yourself in a raging inferno.
Sarge: Step 1. Panic. Any modern scientist will tell you that fire requires and oxygen environment to burn. That same scientist will also tell you that the human body expels carbon dioxide with every breath. So screaming and panicking will rob a fire of its vital nutrients, thus putting it out.
Simmons: This tactic will vary based on the size of the fire. A very small flame will only require a minor amount of panic.
[Cut to Caboose standing in front of a fire.]
Caboose: I am somewhat concerned they are going to make another Indiana Jones movie. [The fire disappears.]
[Cut back to Sarge and Simmons
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[The screen then shows a memorial message that says "In loving memory of the Red Team 2003-2009"]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue