Red vs. Blue Quotes
[Episode starts at Red Base with Donut meeting Simmons and Grif, in a new suit of armour]
Donut: Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!
Grif: ...Uh, hey Donut?
Donut: What?
Simmons: Uh, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, you wanna help me out here?
Grif: It's pink! Your armor is freakin' pink!
...
Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uhhh, a lightish-red.
Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink!
Donut: I hate you guys...
Donut: Dude, this is sweet! Command was so happy that I got the Blue flag, they gave me my own color armor!
Grif: ...Uh, hey Donut?
Donut: What?
Simmons: Uh, about your armor...
Donut: What about it?
Simmons: How do I put this? Your armor is, um... It's a little, um... Grif, you wanna help me out here?
Grif: It's pink! Your armor is freakin' pink!
...
Donut: Look at it, it's not pink. It's like, uhhh, a lightish-red.
Grif: Guess what? They already have a color for lightish-red. You know what it's called? Pink!
Donut: I hate you guys...
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge: Command was fresh out of speech modules when I started building Lopez, but once I get this baby installed, I'll finally have someone intelligent to talk to! No offense, Simmons.
Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.
Grif: Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?
Simmons: Of course he is! You didn't notice that he never talks?
Grif: I just thought he was a real quiet guy.
Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?
Grif: W-well, I did think the motor oil was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.
Simmons: How'd he get pink armor,anyway?
Grif: Don't ask, don't tell...
Simmons: Oh, don't worry, I know who you meant, sir.
Grif: Wait a second, Lopez is a robot?
Simmons: Of course he is! You didn't notice that he never talks?
Grif: I just thought he was a real quiet guy.
Sarge: And the fact that he sleeps standing up and drinks motor oil didn't get your attention?
Grif: W-well, I did think the motor oil was a bit odd. I just thought he was trying to impress me.
Simmons: How'd he get pink armor,anyway?
Grif: Don't ask, don't tell...
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tex: As far as I'm concerned, I'm square with you.
Church: I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?
Tex: Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.
Church: You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.
Tex: Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.
Church: [before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him] No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!
Church: I saved you from a life of imprisonment. How the hell are you square with me?
Tex: Because I didn't kill you back at Sidewinder.
Church: You know, I don't really see how not killing somebody is the same thing as doing them a favor.
Tex: Well, if you don't appreciate it, I could just kill you right now.
Church: [before Caboose and Tucker can turn to him] No you can't, I'm already dead, bitch! I guess the joke's on you!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: So since you're helping us, I guess you're not so mean after all.
Tex: I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get paid to do mean things.
Tucker: Yeah but you like it.
Tex: Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.
Tucker: So let's say I paid you to kill Caboose. [Caboose was told to watch "the base" in case the Reds see them, but he is watching Blue base.] You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?
Tex: Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?
Tucker: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.
Tex: I wouldn't say I'm mean, I just get paid to do mean things.
Tucker: Yeah but you like it.
Tex: Well, I think it's important to enjoy what you do.
Tucker: So let's say I paid you to kill Caboose. [Caboose was told to watch "the base" in case the Reds see them, but he is watching Blue base.] You would still do it, right? Even though you're supposed to be helping us?
Tex: Is this a hypothetical discussion, or should we start talking numbers?
Tucker: Yeah, I don't wanna talk about this any more.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Around Church's dead body, which was never buried]
Church: Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.
Tucker: Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.
Church: It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.
Tucker: Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?
Caboose: Hey Church, Look! Birds! ...Why are they flying around in circles?
Church: Tucker, the first chance we get, you are going to bury my body.
Tucker: Quit your bitching, nothing's going to happen to it.
Church: It's a freaking indignity! My body fought hard for this army, and it deserves to be laid to rest.
Tucker: Get over it, you're already dead. What's the worst that could happen now?
Caboose: Hey Church, Look! Birds! ...Why are they flying around in circles?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Caboose spies Donut through the rifle scope and believes that he is a girl]
Tucker: Aw man, how come they get a girl?!
Tex: [from ground level] Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin'... right here?
Tucker: Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.
Tex: And what the hell does that mean?
Caboose and Tucker: ...Nothing! [both quickly back up from the ledge]
Tucker: Aw man, how come they get a girl?!
Tex: [from ground level] Uh, you guys realize that I'm a chick, right? And that I'm standin'... right here?
Tucker: Yeah Tex, but when we say a girl, we mean a girl girl.
Tex: And what the hell does that mean?
Caboose and Tucker: ...Nothing! [both quickly back up from the ledge]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Simmons: You ever wonder why we're here?
Grif: [Pause] No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.
Grif: [Pause] No. I never, ever wonder why we're here. Semper Fi, bitch.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: [Possessing Lopez] Ay, muchachos, necesite darle... un aviso... ¿Qué? ¿Por qué estoy hablando español? ¡Yo no puedo hablar español! [Translated: Guys, I need to give... you a... warning. What? Why am I speaking Spanish? I don't know Spanish!]
Simmons: Um... sure.
Church: ¡No, no, escúchame! ¡La bruja te va a matar! ¡Ella está trabajando en la tanque! [Translated: No, listen to me! The bitch is going to kill you! She is working in the tank!]
Simmons: Um... sure.
Church: ¡No, no, escúchame! ¡La bruja te va a matar! ¡Ella está trabajando en la tanque! [Translated: No, listen to me! The bitch is going to kill you! She is working in the tank!]
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: [Radios Church] Come in, Private Church. Do you copy? Soldier unit Tex almost has the armor vehicle situation rectified. Okay. We require verification of your... mission...ness. [clears throat] How is your progression?
Church: [over radio while possessing Lopez] ¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchándome!
Caption: Caboose! No one here is listening to me!
Church: ¡No mas puedo hablar español!(Translation for line below: ¡Puedo hablar solamente español por alguna razón!)
Caption: (real translation: But I cannot speak Spanish) I can only speak Spanish for some reason!
Caboose: [Turns to Tucker] ... He says he wants to talk to you.
Church: [over radio while possessing Lopez] ¡Caboose! ¡Nadie aquí está escuchándome!
Caption: Caboose! No one here is listening to me!
Church: ¡No mas puedo hablar español!(Translation for line below: ¡Puedo hablar solamente español por alguna razón!)
Caption: (real translation: But I cannot speak Spanish) I can only speak Spanish for some reason!
Caboose: [Turns to Tucker] ... He says he wants to talk to you.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: [Possessing Lopez] ¡Un tanque... grrrande!
Grif: Hey, I think that if you are going to live in this country, you should speak the language.
Simmons: What country? We're on an alien planet.
Grif: What are you, a communist?
Grif: Hey, I think that if you are going to live in this country, you should speak the language.
Simmons: What country? We're on an alien planet.
Grif: What are you, a communist?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: [Suprised by nearby explosion] Son of a bitch!
Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Church: [Possessing Lopez] Madre de Dios! [Translated as 'Mother of God']
Simmons: Son of a bitch!
Church: [Possessing Lopez] Madre de Dios! [Translated as 'Mother of God']
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Grif: Wow. Back so soon? You guys win the war already?
Simmons: Yeah, uh, do you want to finish telling me the the plan now, Sarge?
Sarge: If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.
Simmons: Yeah, uh, do you want to finish telling me the the plan now, Sarge?
Sarge: If we survive this, I'm gonna kill both of ya. Slowly.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Donut: Hell yeah! Three points, ya dirty whore! [Tex explodes]
Church: Dios Mio NO! [Church runs off to go save Tex]
Grif: Uh, where's Lopez going?
Sarge: To fight the enemy head on. In hand to hand combat, mano a mano. What a brave little conpadray. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios amigo, adios.
Simmons: Shouldn't we help him?
Sarge: Nah, that would just ruin the moment.
Church: Dios Mio NO! [Church runs off to go save Tex]
Grif: Uh, where's Lopez going?
Sarge: To fight the enemy head on. In hand to hand combat, mano a mano. What a brave little conpadray. Lopez, I never understood a word you said, but I do know one thing. You hated Grif, and that's the most important thing there is. Adios amigo, adios.
Simmons: Shouldn't we help him?
Sarge: Nah, that would just ruin the moment.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Hey Church, we have a problem.
Church: I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!
Tucker: I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.
Caboose: No I didn't.
Tucker: Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?
Caboose: You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.
Tucker: What, what context?!
Church: Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay ? I thought we'd established by now-
Doc: Excuse me?
Church: Hey pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Look, I thought we'd established by now- I don’t like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do you any good.
Doc: Excuse me.
Church: Okay. Yes. Hello. Who are you?
Caboose: Don’t. Ever. Be. Alone.
Tucker: ...he’s doing that thing again!
Church: I am not your mother, so don't come tattling to me every time one of you does something that the other one doesn't like!
Tucker: I'm telling you, he's crazy. He keeps threatening me and talking in a scary voice.
Caboose: No I didn't.
Tucker: Oh, so you're saying you didn't threaten to cut off my head and give it to Church as a birthday present?
Caboose: You know, I think you're taking my words a little out of context.
Tucker: What, what context?!
Church: Listen guys, this competition thing has got to stop, okay ? I thought we'd established by now-
Doc: Excuse me?
Church: Hey pal, one second, okay? I'm in the middle of something here. Look, I thought we'd established by now- I don’t like either of you, okay? So competing for my attention is not gonna do you any good.
Doc: Excuse me.
Church: Okay. Yes. Hello. Who are you?
Caboose: Don’t. Ever. Be. Alone.
Tucker: ...he’s doing that thing again!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: See, uh, he got killed by this, uh... crazy runaway tank-
Tucker[interrupting]: Or by the idiot driving it.
Caboose: Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body. Oh, and then we had to (that's right) spray-paint him (to make him blue), and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. Who... is blue.
Tucker[interrupting]: Or by the idiot driving it.
Caboose: Oh yeah, and then he became, uh, this really mean ghost, and uh, took over a Mexican robot's body. Oh, and then we had to (that's right) spray-paint him (to make him blue), and now he is alive again, and he is a bionic man. Who... is blue.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Doc: I'm a pacifist.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on...
Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man I was... totally thinking 'bout somethin' else.
Church: That’s real classy, Tucker.
Caboose: You're a thing that babies suck on...
Tucker: No, dude, that's a pedophile.
Church: Tucker, I think he means a pacifier.
Tucker: Oh yeah, right. Man I was... totally thinking 'bout somethin' else.
Church: That’s real classy, Tucker.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Doc: No, I’m just going to check your vitals.
Caboose: I bet I have better vitals than you.
Tucker: ...
Church: ...
Caboose: What’s a vital?
Caboose: I bet I have better vitals than you.
Tucker: ...
Church: ...
Caboose: What’s a vital?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Okay, Tucker, I need you to get up there, help Caboose shore up a defense, establish a suppressing fire, and hold that position until further notice.
Tucker: I didn’t even know what half of that meant.
Church: Just go over to Caboose’s rock, and fire your gun a bunch.
Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don’t think so.
Church: We do not. Have time. To discuss this.
Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it! You get to hang out here with Nancy-no-bullets just shootin' the breeze! Meanwhile, I’m out there, running around, eating a machine-gun sandwich.
Church: Tucker, we’re going to give you covering fire!
Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you’re going to build a huge, bulletproof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.
Church: No problem. Oh, wait, wait, does the blood have to be in your body?
Tucker: I didn’t even know what half of that meant.
Church: Just go over to Caboose’s rock, and fire your gun a bunch.
Tucker: That rock? Yeah, I don’t think so.
Church: We do not. Have time. To discuss this.
Tucker: Sure, no time for you to discuss it! You get to hang out here with Nancy-no-bullets just shootin' the breeze! Meanwhile, I’m out there, running around, eating a machine-gun sandwich.
Church: Tucker, we’re going to give you covering fire!
Tucker: Covering fire? Unless that means you’re going to build a huge, bulletproof wall between me and them, I think you need to come up with a new plan. Preferably one that involves me keeping the same quantity of blood that I have right now.
Church: No problem. Oh, wait, wait, does the blood have to be in your body?
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: Okay, you, Doc. Get over there and help Caboose.
DuFresne: My name isn't Doc. It's DuFresne.
Church: Yeah, I can't pronounce that. So from now on, your name is Doc.
DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.
Tucker: What's the difference?
DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.
Tucker: Mental Note: Don't ever get shot.
DuFresne: My name isn't Doc. It's DuFresne.
Church: Yeah, I can't pronounce that. So from now on, your name is Doc.
DuFresne: I'm not really comfortable with that. I'm not a doctor; I'm a medic.
Tucker: What's the difference?
DuFresne: Well, a doctor cures people. A medic just makes them more comfortable... while they die.
Tucker: Mental Note: Don't ever get shot.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Church: It's settled then, your name is now Doc.
DuFrense/Doc: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick. (scene pauses, background gets dark; the word "Doc" passes by in big letters)
Tucker: Oh trust us, it'll stick.
DuFrense/Doc: Alright, but I don't think it'll stick. (scene pauses, background gets dark; the word "Doc" passes by in big letters)
Tucker: Oh trust us, it'll stick.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Caboose: I can't believe Church shot me!
Church: [irritated, echoing scream from nearby] Oh don't even start Caboose!
Church: [irritated, echoing scream from nearby] Oh don't even start Caboose!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Doc: You have a bullet wound in the foot. Is anything else wrong?
Caboose: Uh… Oh! I got one. Uh, well, sometimes, when I fall asleep at night, I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason.
[pause]
Doc: Okay; I'm just gonna start with the foot.
Caboose: Uh… Oh! I got one. Uh, well, sometimes, when I fall asleep at night, I think about my parents having sex, and I get really, really mad for some reason.
[pause]
Doc: Okay; I'm just gonna start with the foot.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Tucker: Why did the reds stop firing?
Church: I don't know they are probably out of ammo.
Church: I don't know they are probably out of ammo.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Sarge(From a long distance away): Hey blue team, we are giving you a chance to surrender.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Tucker is coming up with an excuse on why they cannot return Lopez]
Tucker: He was all like 'Sayonara' and he just took off!
Church: That's not Spanish, you idiot. It's French!
Tucker: He was all like 'Sayonara' and he just took off!
Church: That's not Spanish, you idiot. It's French!
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
Doc: Can I ask you a question? Did they put something in the water here?
Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.
Doc: No water, then what do you drink?
Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. Occasionally I do enjoy a sex on the beach, or a pina colada. [singing] If you like pina coladas... and gettin caught in the rain... if you're not into yoga... Grif just has half a brain.
Grif: Water? We ran outta water six months ago.
Doc: No water, then what do you drink?
Grif: Uh, you know, ketchup, uh, soy sauce, gravy, the usual.
Sarge: I only drink the blood of my enemies. And occasionally a strawberry yoo-hoo. Or a sasparilla. Grenadine, straight from the can. Deeelicious. Occasionally I do enjoy a sex on the beach, or a pina colada. [singing] If you like pina coladas... and gettin caught in the rain... if you're not into yoga... Grif just has half a brain.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Grif is forced to say this after the blues requested reds to admit that they suck]
Grif: I would just like to let everyone know that I suck...
Church: And?
Grif: And that I'm a girl...
Church: What else?
Grif: ... and I like ribbons in my hair ... and I want to kiss all the boys...
Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.
Grif: I would just like to let everyone know that I suck...
Church: And?
Grif: And that I'm a girl...
Church: What else?
Grif: ... and I like ribbons in my hair ... and I want to kiss all the boys...
Sarge: This may be the best surrender of all time.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue
[Sarge berates Grif for chatting with Doc]
Grif: Come on, Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.
Simmons: Oh, well, you two will be great friends, then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!
Grif: Hey, thanks, kiss-ass! If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you!
Donut[to Simmons]: Oh, man, that is a burn! Dude, you just got burned! Burned, dude, burned!
Simmons: Oh shut up.... Your armour's pink.
Grif: Come on, Sarge, he doesn't even have a gun.
Simmons: Oh, well, you two will be great friends, then. He doesn't have a gun, and you didn't bring any ammo!
Grif: Hey, thanks, kiss-ass! If I wanna take guarding tips from the guy that lost our last prisoner, I'll be sure to ask you!
Donut[to Simmons]: Oh, man, that is a burn! Dude, you just got burned! Burned, dude, burned!
Simmons: Oh shut up.... Your armour's pink.
TV Show: Red vs. Blue