Rescue Me Quotes
Lou: Hey kid, my dreams are all filled up with Candice Bergen, a chocolate wheelchair and the Olsen Twins.
Chief Reilly: I've had the same dream. Except its Carly Simon and a big tub of chunky peanut butter.
Tommy: Why chunky?
Chief Reilly: Better traction.
Chief Reilly: I've had the same dream. Except its Carly Simon and a big tub of chunky peanut butter.
Tommy: Why chunky?
Chief Reilly: Better traction.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Colleen: I am never getting married and I am never getting pregnant.
Tommy: Well you just made your dad a very happy man, sweetheart.
Tommy: Well you just made your dad a very happy man, sweetheart.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Johnny: Tommy, when you're in jail in some hick town, and you're taking it up the ass from Otis the drunk, don't call me. Don't call me, you'll be on your own, bro.
Tommy: No I won't. I'll have Otis.
Tommy: No I won't. I'll have Otis.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Mike: [about his tall girlfriend] Well, you never met her how do you know she's gigantic?
Lou: Well, I was on my way to work and I saw her swatting planes away from The Empire State Building.
Lou: Well, I was on my way to work and I saw her swatting planes away from The Empire State Building.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Johnny: So, you're not in jail yet?
Tommy: No. Why would I be in jail? Except for maybe killing you, which I would right now, except it would interupt my smoke.
Tommy: No. Why would I be in jail? Except for maybe killing you, which I would right now, except it would interupt my smoke.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: Steak and ice cream?
Uncle Teddy: It's my latest invention, beef-stash-eo. I called the people at Ben & Jerry's but they said "no." Some people have no vision.
Uncle Teddy: It's my latest invention, beef-stash-eo. I called the people at Ben & Jerry's but they said "no." Some people have no vision.
TV Show: Rescue Me
[Sean quietly sits down beside Lou]
Lou: What?
Sean: Well, it's my cock.
Lou: Oh, forget I asked.
Lou: What?
Sean: Well, it's my cock.
Lou: Oh, forget I asked.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Sean: It's like my dick is some sort of weapon of mass destruction.
Lou: Okay, first of all. Your dick is not a weapon of mass destruction because if it were I would be in complete awe of you, which I am not. But there are really two issues here Sean. The first pertains to the fact that you have a tiny fragment of brain matter lodged somewhere in your skull. No offense.
Sean: None taken.
Lou: Second is your dating pool. Which in my opinion, should be drained, filled in, and black topped over. Maybe even a playground for poor kids built on top.
Lou: Okay, first of all. Your dick is not a weapon of mass destruction because if it were I would be in complete awe of you, which I am not. But there are really two issues here Sean. The first pertains to the fact that you have a tiny fragment of brain matter lodged somewhere in your skull. No offense.
Sean: None taken.
Lou: Second is your dating pool. Which in my opinion, should be drained, filled in, and black topped over. Maybe even a playground for poor kids built on top.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Lou: Now, the only problem is that she wants to see me out with my imaginary girlfriend. I'm done for.
Tommy: Nah, not necessarily. Situations like this, this is why God invented whores.
Tommy: Nah, not necessarily. Situations like this, this is why God invented whores.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: What, are you drinking all day now?
John Sr.: I'm 82. I'm retired, and I'm married to a new and much younger woman who's not only rich but likes to bang my brains out at least 3 times a week. So I'm not drinking kid. I'm in a perpetual toast.
John Sr.: I'm 82. I'm retired, and I'm married to a new and much younger woman who's not only rich but likes to bang my brains out at least 3 times a week. So I'm not drinking kid. I'm in a perpetual toast.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: [on the phone] Hey, you backstabbin' son of a bitch.
Johnny: Oh, hey, Tom.
Tommy: You're supposed to be my brother, asshole.
Johnny: I am your brother. I was just tryin' to do you a favor.
Tommy: By helpin' Janet take my kids again? That's supposed to be doin' me a favor? How's that work?
Johnny: Tommy, if you would just listen to her.
Tommy: You know what, Johnny? You're dead to me. You're dead to me. You got that?
Johnny: Oh, hey, Tom.
Tommy: You're supposed to be my brother, asshole.
Johnny: I am your brother. I was just tryin' to do you a favor.
Tommy: By helpin' Janet take my kids again? That's supposed to be doin' me a favor? How's that work?
Johnny: Tommy, if you would just listen to her.
Tommy: You know what, Johnny? You're dead to me. You're dead to me. You got that?
TV Show: Rescue Me
Janet: I don't wanna go to court.
Tommy: You try takin' these kids away from me again--
Janet: I don't wanna take them again. You know this whole thing? I didn't get angry, I got sad. My whole head went back to when we first met... Our wedding, how funny you were, Colleen being born. Those Beatles songs that you used to sing to her to make her fall asleep. Those sweet little horse-clown pictures that you used to draw for Katy. (Janet starts crying) You know Tommy, I couldn't even move for almost a day, and then I couldn't stop crying. I need my kids. But at least three or four times a day when I had them Connor and Katy would look at me and ask where you were. "Is Daddy coming for the weekend?" "Is Daddy coming for Christmas." "Where's Daddy now?" "Is Daddy dead, you would tell us if Daddy died, right mom?" I was in a hospital for a couple of weeks. But I uh got some counseling. And I got back up on my feet. The thing is while I was there, I got my head straightened out enough that I got a little perspective. I think for the sake of the kids, and from what we used to be like, before Jimmy died. I think we oughta give it one last go.
Tommy: One last go? That's a hell of a way to jump start a relationship.
Janet: Until death do us part, right?
Tommy: Right.
Tommy: You try takin' these kids away from me again--
Janet: I don't wanna take them again. You know this whole thing? I didn't get angry, I got sad. My whole head went back to when we first met... Our wedding, how funny you were, Colleen being born. Those Beatles songs that you used to sing to her to make her fall asleep. Those sweet little horse-clown pictures that you used to draw for Katy. (Janet starts crying) You know Tommy, I couldn't even move for almost a day, and then I couldn't stop crying. I need my kids. But at least three or four times a day when I had them Connor and Katy would look at me and ask where you were. "Is Daddy coming for the weekend?" "Is Daddy coming for Christmas." "Where's Daddy now?" "Is Daddy dead, you would tell us if Daddy died, right mom?" I was in a hospital for a couple of weeks. But I uh got some counseling. And I got back up on my feet. The thing is while I was there, I got my head straightened out enough that I got a little perspective. I think for the sake of the kids, and from what we used to be like, before Jimmy died. I think we oughta give it one last go.
Tommy: One last go? That's a hell of a way to jump start a relationship.
Janet: Until death do us part, right?
Tommy: Right.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Sean: [after a river rescue] Oh, Jesus, my skin smells like it's rotting.
Lou: Yeah, why don't you bottle that and call it "essence of ass."
Lou: Yeah, why don't you bottle that and call it "essence of ass."
TV Show: Rescue Me
[They are outside the Chief's house at his party, looking inside at all the gay guys]
Lou: Probie, get in there and get us some booze.
Mike: Why me?
Tommy: Because you can probably slip under the gaydar.
Mike: Me? What about Sean?
Tommy: If we were to have the gayest lookin' guy in the crew contest, you win, hands down.
Lou: Or pants down as the case may be.
Sean: What does that mean? He has better hair than me? Better body? Better what?
Tommy: You're really not asking me that question right now are ya?
Lou: Probie, get in there and get us some booze.
Mike: Why me?
Tommy: Because you can probably slip under the gaydar.
Mike: Me? What about Sean?
Tommy: If we were to have the gayest lookin' guy in the crew contest, you win, hands down.
Lou: Or pants down as the case may be.
Sean: What does that mean? He has better hair than me? Better body? Better what?
Tommy: You're really not asking me that question right now are ya?
TV Show: Rescue Me
[Sean is a little drunk]
Mike: Hey, man, straighten up. There two hot chicks in a party full of gay guys. It's like catching fish in a barrel.
Sean: [pauses] It's shooting fish.
Mike: What?
Sean: It's shooting fish in a barrel. That's the expression, you dumbass.
Mike: Yeah but if they're in the barrel, why would you shoot 'em? Why wouldn't you just reach in with your hands and pull one out?
Mike: Hey, man, straighten up. There two hot chicks in a party full of gay guys. It's like catching fish in a barrel.
Sean: [pauses] It's shooting fish.
Mike: What?
Sean: It's shooting fish in a barrel. That's the expression, you dumbass.
Mike: Yeah but if they're in the barrel, why would you shoot 'em? Why wouldn't you just reach in with your hands and pull one out?
TV Show: Rescue Me
Lou: [about Janet] She's either the world's greatest actress or she's on drugs.
Tommy: What I can't be funny?
Lou: Not to her. Not in years. Unless of course it's a brain tumor. But you wanna know somethin' with all the shit that's gone down between the two of ya in the last five years let alone for her to be laughin' at your jokes, it's gotta be a tumor the size of a goddamn grapefruit.
Tommy: I don't think it's a tumor, okay?
Lou: Well, then we have option number three.
Tommy: Which is what?
Lou: Goof balls.
Tommy: Goof balls?
Lou: Pills. They have pills for everything now. Stop smoking, pay attention, blah blah blah. I bet my right nut that she's one of those brand new, I hate my husband, I hate my life, my vagina hurts, please just take it all away that kinda thing. Take two a day and not only is your asshole husband funny but you might wanna bang his lying, deceitful, cheatin' little brains out. No offense, Tommy.
Tommy: None taken.
Tommy: What I can't be funny?
Lou: Not to her. Not in years. Unless of course it's a brain tumor. But you wanna know somethin' with all the shit that's gone down between the two of ya in the last five years let alone for her to be laughin' at your jokes, it's gotta be a tumor the size of a goddamn grapefruit.
Tommy: I don't think it's a tumor, okay?
Lou: Well, then we have option number three.
Tommy: Which is what?
Lou: Goof balls.
Tommy: Goof balls?
Lou: Pills. They have pills for everything now. Stop smoking, pay attention, blah blah blah. I bet my right nut that she's one of those brand new, I hate my husband, I hate my life, my vagina hurts, please just take it all away that kinda thing. Take two a day and not only is your asshole husband funny but you might wanna bang his lying, deceitful, cheatin' little brains out. No offense, Tommy.
Tommy: None taken.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Franco: It's not a thingy, Sean! It's a step. And you're supposed to make amends for your own personal bullshit not mine! Tellin' Laura I was bangin' the nurse, that's one thing. Tellin' the whole crew that I was bangin' Laura, Sean, that's like a whole new level of retardation. That is like the special Olympics of substance abuse.
Sean: Well, I was drunk.
Sean: Well, I was drunk.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: [Franco wants to write Laura a poem] No, no, listen to me, listen to me. I don't care who we're talkin' about-- young chick, old chick, in-between chick, Cindy Crawford on her best damn day-- they all think their ass is fat, okay? We love the ass. We all think the ass is like a festival of fun. It's a place to go, chock-full of stuff we can to do, but to them, the ass is death. Gravity and death and hard goddamn times. Stay away from the ass, okay? Go with the tits. Tits, eyelashes, eyes. All right? That's it. [Lou looks at him] What?
Lou: You write a poem about tits, she's gonna rip it up and shove it down your throat. Chicks wanna hear about emotions, they wanna hear about remorse, they wanna hear I'm sorry's up the goddamn ying-yang.
Tommy: So you write a poem that says I'm sorry, blah blah blah. I regret bing bang boom. And then you throw in a "Hey, I like your nice beautiful tits." [Lou stares at him] What?
Lou: Emotions.
Tommy: Tits.
Lou: Remorse.
Tommy: Melons.
Lou: I'm sorry.
Tommy: Gazungas.
Lou: I love you.
Tommy: Double peaches of pleasure.
Lou: You write a poem about tits, she's gonna rip it up and shove it down your throat. Chicks wanna hear about emotions, they wanna hear about remorse, they wanna hear I'm sorry's up the goddamn ying-yang.
Tommy: So you write a poem that says I'm sorry, blah blah blah. I regret bing bang boom. And then you throw in a "Hey, I like your nice beautiful tits." [Lou stares at him] What?
Lou: Emotions.
Tommy: Tits.
Lou: Remorse.
Tommy: Melons.
Lou: I'm sorry.
Tommy: Gazungas.
Lou: I love you.
Tommy: Double peaches of pleasure.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Lou: Around here, we got the probie, he controls all the homo retard crap, okay? Garrity covers all the stupid retard bullshit. Franco is our pussy man. You control all the drinkin' and the fire hero worship crap. Poetry is my territory, you're musclin' in on my turf.
Tommy: You need to take some kinda chill pill because you're very upset--
Lou: Lemme ask you somethin' else. Where were the tits?
Tommy: Where were the tits?
Lou: All week long in the poem! [mocking him] It's gotta have tits. Gotta love tits. It needs tits, it needs tits. 14 goddamn lines, not one tit.
Tommy: It was implied.
Lou: Oh, it was implied?
Tommy: Yes, in subtext.
Lou: It was subtext. Subtext, my ass. What are you Walt goddamn Whitman all of a sudden? The Tommy Gavin I know would never write that poem. The Tommy Gavin I know would never write that poem to seduce his own piece of ass let alone his buddy's. You wanna know something? This, the fall you just took, the dancing, the singing, the cleaning, the la-la-la, what the hell are you on?
Tommy: You need to take some kinda chill pill because you're very upset--
Lou: Lemme ask you somethin' else. Where were the tits?
Tommy: Where were the tits?
Lou: All week long in the poem! [mocking him] It's gotta have tits. Gotta love tits. It needs tits, it needs tits. 14 goddamn lines, not one tit.
Tommy: It was implied.
Lou: Oh, it was implied?
Tommy: Yes, in subtext.
Lou: It was subtext. Subtext, my ass. What are you Walt goddamn Whitman all of a sudden? The Tommy Gavin I know would never write that poem. The Tommy Gavin I know would never write that poem to seduce his own piece of ass let alone his buddy's. You wanna know something? This, the fall you just took, the dancing, the singing, the cleaning, the la-la-la, what the hell are you on?
TV Show: Rescue Me
Sean: You call up and you tell them what kind of service you want, what kind of hours you need and they send over a bunch of nurses.
Chief Reilly: I only need one.
Sean: I know, but that's like the fun of it. They send over a bunch and you choose one. It's like American Idol, you know, except it's nurses instead of singers, and you don't get to call up and vote to see who wins, and Paula Abdul's not there acting like a freak show. Actually it's not like American Idol at all.
Chief Reilly: I only need one.
Sean: I know, but that's like the fun of it. They send over a bunch and you choose one. It's like American Idol, you know, except it's nurses instead of singers, and you don't get to call up and vote to see who wins, and Paula Abdul's not there acting like a freak show. Actually it's not like American Idol at all.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Johnny: [to Tommy, on the way to donate blood] You might wanna pick up someone else's blood on the way. Yours is probably still flammable.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: [After they donated blood] I just feel really light headed. You don't have anymore juice, do ya?
Johnny: You almost fell getting off the table, you pussy.
Tommy: I got up too fast, okay? And you should watch your language in front of the house of God. Back me up on that.
Father Murphy: He's right.
Johnny: Sorry.
Tommy: Yeah, asshole.
Johnny: You almost fell getting off the table, you pussy.
Tommy: I got up too fast, okay? And you should watch your language in front of the house of God. Back me up on that.
Father Murphy: He's right.
Johnny: Sorry.
Tommy: Yeah, asshole.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Johnny: You give that guy a bad nose job, a ranch with some rides on it and Liz Taylor's home number, you're looking at Michael Jackson my friend.
Tommy: Okay, first of all he's our half brother, okay? So if he's Michael Jackson, you know who that makes us? That makes me Tito and that makes you Jermaine
Johnny: Why do I gotta be Jermaine?
Tommy: Cause I'm Tito.
Tommy: Okay, first of all he's our half brother, okay? So if he's Michael Jackson, you know who that makes us? That makes me Tito and that makes you Jermaine
Johnny: Why do I gotta be Jermaine?
Tommy: Cause I'm Tito.
TV Show: Rescue Me
[After Tommy just drank orange juice that had pulp in it]
Janet: Since when do you hate pulp?
Tommy: Ever since they started takin' the time to take the goddamn pulp out. Since then, okay?
Janet: Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a thing with the pulp.
Tommy: Yeah. I hate all pulp. I hate orange juice pulp. I hate that stupid British band named Pulp. Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino, what's with that goddamn head by the way. Is that not the biggest head in the history of heads? He turns sideways it's like you're lookin' at a map of the New Jersey coastline. And Kill Bill what a piece of shit. And then there's a Kill Bill 2 what's that about? Jesus Christ.
Janet: Tommy, the kids.
Tommy: Kids, when you grow up don't see either one of the Kill Bill's they both suck, okay?
Janet: Since when do you hate pulp?
Tommy: Ever since they started takin' the time to take the goddamn pulp out. Since then, okay?
Janet: Honey, I'm sorry. I didn't know you had a thing with the pulp.
Tommy: Yeah. I hate all pulp. I hate orange juice pulp. I hate that stupid British band named Pulp. Pulp Fiction. Quentin Tarantino, what's with that goddamn head by the way. Is that not the biggest head in the history of heads? He turns sideways it's like you're lookin' at a map of the New Jersey coastline. And Kill Bill what a piece of shit. And then there's a Kill Bill 2 what's that about? Jesus Christ.
Janet: Tommy, the kids.
Tommy: Kids, when you grow up don't see either one of the Kill Bill's they both suck, okay?
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Franco: Oh, shit. Sean Garrity readin' a book. That's the first sign of the apocalypse.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Chief: [seeing Sean and Mike play Scrabble] Look at this: A meeting of the minds and the minds are a no-show.
Tommy: [looking at the Scrabble board] Hmm. "Tag." "Arm." "It." "Go." That's great guys.
Laura: Why even bother keepin' score?
Mike: [placing tiles on the board] F-E-L-L. Read it and weep.
Sean: Oh, shit. How many points? [Sean and Mike just stare at each other, Mike takes a little time to figure it out]
Mike: Eight.
Tommy: [looking at the Scrabble board] Hmm. "Tag." "Arm." "It." "Go." That's great guys.
Laura: Why even bother keepin' score?
Mike: [placing tiles on the board] F-E-L-L. Read it and weep.
Sean: Oh, shit. How many points? [Sean and Mike just stare at each other, Mike takes a little time to figure it out]
Mike: Eight.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Franco: I don't know if I can believe you or not, Tom. See the Tommy Gavin I used to know was a lyin', cheatin', schemin', brawlin', skirt-chasin' son of a bitch. I looked up to him. You always knew where he stood, but this new Tommy, this, uh, fancy coffee-drinkin', pastry-eatin', kind, sweet, sincere one, uh-uh, Bro, I don't trust him as far as I can throw him.
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Maggie: I figured you and me we always had a special bond. Backed each other up.
Tommy: I know. I know.
Maggie: I figure the only reason that you like me is because I'm the only person the family hates worse than you.
Tommy: There might be a sliver of truth to that. But you know I love you and Johnny likes you.
Maggie: Oh, don't pump sunshine up my ass Tommy. Johnny is scared shitless of me. Always was.
Tommy: I know. I know.
Maggie: I figure the only reason that you like me is because I'm the only person the family hates worse than you.
Tommy: There might be a sliver of truth to that. But you know I love you and Johnny likes you.
Maggie: Oh, don't pump sunshine up my ass Tommy. Johnny is scared shitless of me. Always was.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Michael: I haven't seen you in many, many years. Peggie Sue. I hardly reconized you.
Maggie: You know what? Why do you gotta call me that name? I hate that name. My name's Maggie.
Michael: It's the name your mother and I gave you.
Maggie: I don't care. It's a stupid name. Just because you and mom were a Buddy Holley fan doesn't mean I gotta be stuck with that stupid name for the rest of my life.
Maggie: You know what? Why do you gotta call me that name? I hate that name. My name's Maggie.
Michael: It's the name your mother and I gave you.
Maggie: I don't care. It's a stupid name. Just because you and mom were a Buddy Holley fan doesn't mean I gotta be stuck with that stupid name for the rest of my life.
TV Show: Rescue Me