Rescue Me Quotes
Maggie: [in a church] I’m having a nicotine kick, I walk into any holy building and my body chemistry goes completely ape shit.
Sean: Don’t swear in here.
Maggie: Ape shit is not a swear word. It’s a zoological term.
...
Maggie: Can I smoke in here?
Sean: Maggie!
Maggie: What? He walks around burning incense all day, what’s a little more smoke gonna do, right Sean? Right, Danny? [Maggie lights the cigarette]
Priest: Uh-uh, there’s no smoking in here. [he hands her a tray and she puts the cigarette on it]
Maggie: [to Sean] He’s probably gonna smoke that when we leave.
Sean: Okay, could you cut it out, please? Jesus. [to Priest] Ooh, sorry.
Priest: The two of you haven’t come here on a dare, have you?
Sean: No, no, seriously father, please…ignore my fiancée she’s having some issues with the church and you know, we’re working them out…in counseling. Uh, yes, marriage, Catholic issue counseling. It’s really very helpful.
Priest: I see. And where are you receiving this counseling?
Maggie: Uh, Murphy’s Pub on 48th.
Priest: Okay, I think we’re done here. Should, you uh, find a church that’s willing to marry you, I wanna wish you both the best of luck.
Maggie: How dare you walk out on us you sanctimonious tool. You have no idea how important this is to him.
Priest: I assisted during an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1977, or did we meet somewhere else?
Sean: Don’t swear in here.
Maggie: Ape shit is not a swear word. It’s a zoological term.
...
Maggie: Can I smoke in here?
Sean: Maggie!
Maggie: What? He walks around burning incense all day, what’s a little more smoke gonna do, right Sean? Right, Danny? [Maggie lights the cigarette]
Priest: Uh-uh, there’s no smoking in here. [he hands her a tray and she puts the cigarette on it]
Maggie: [to Sean] He’s probably gonna smoke that when we leave.
Sean: Okay, could you cut it out, please? Jesus. [to Priest] Ooh, sorry.
Priest: The two of you haven’t come here on a dare, have you?
Sean: No, no, seriously father, please…ignore my fiancée she’s having some issues with the church and you know, we’re working them out…in counseling. Uh, yes, marriage, Catholic issue counseling. It’s really very helpful.
Priest: I see. And where are you receiving this counseling?
Maggie: Uh, Murphy’s Pub on 48th.
Priest: Okay, I think we’re done here. Should, you uh, find a church that’s willing to marry you, I wanna wish you both the best of luck.
Maggie: How dare you walk out on us you sanctimonious tool. You have no idea how important this is to him.
Priest: I assisted during an exorcism in a small village outside Nairobi in 1977, or did we meet somewhere else?
TV Show: Rescue Me
Maggie: You just ain't returnin' any of my calls, and that ain't very polite.
Sean: Yeah, well, you're the expert on polite. Wait, no, you're not.
Maggie: I got you a present.
Sean: [looks in the bag] Two avocados?
Maggie: Yeah, well, I was tryin' to come up with a peace offering, so I thought I'd bake you a cake or something only I don't know how to cook or any of that shit, so I thought I'd go to the store and buy you a cake only they're too expensive and I can't go to my bakery because I told the guy that his cannolis tasted like cat piss. So I got the avocados, I think they're ripe.
Sean: Well, I talked to Father Dan, or well tried to. It turns out that we have been banned from getting married anywhere near the Diocese, much less in it.
Maggie: Well, Sean, I'm sorry, I really am. Can you not hear me say it? I'm sorry. Maggie Gavin is saying she's sorry. She must really be in love, huh? She is, Sean, in letters eight miles high.
Sean: You know, Maggie, yesterday after your performance with the priest I went home and I was really upset and I was thinkin' about you and I threw up. And I though to myself, well maybe I'm not the smartest guy on the planet but maybe you shouldn't get married to someone who actually makes you throw up, okay? I don't like to puke. It's not gonna work. [hands her the avocados and walks away]
Maggie: Sean. Sean. You're making me cry. You're such an asshole!
Sean: Yeah, well, you're the expert on polite. Wait, no, you're not.
Maggie: I got you a present.
Sean: [looks in the bag] Two avocados?
Maggie: Yeah, well, I was tryin' to come up with a peace offering, so I thought I'd bake you a cake or something only I don't know how to cook or any of that shit, so I thought I'd go to the store and buy you a cake only they're too expensive and I can't go to my bakery because I told the guy that his cannolis tasted like cat piss. So I got the avocados, I think they're ripe.
Sean: Well, I talked to Father Dan, or well tried to. It turns out that we have been banned from getting married anywhere near the Diocese, much less in it.
Maggie: Well, Sean, I'm sorry, I really am. Can you not hear me say it? I'm sorry. Maggie Gavin is saying she's sorry. She must really be in love, huh? She is, Sean, in letters eight miles high.
Sean: You know, Maggie, yesterday after your performance with the priest I went home and I was really upset and I was thinkin' about you and I threw up. And I though to myself, well maybe I'm not the smartest guy on the planet but maybe you shouldn't get married to someone who actually makes you throw up, okay? I don't like to puke. It's not gonna work. [hands her the avocados and walks away]
Maggie: Sean. Sean. You're making me cry. You're such an asshole!
TV Show: Rescue Me
Lou: Jesus Christ, he is now officially two hours overdue. I mean, this is unheard of. Jerry is never late.
Franco: Still gettin' Tommy's voice mail. Called him at home, the machine is full.
Lou: He was in the shower when I left this morning.
Mike: Maybe he like slipped and knocked himself out.
Lou: You know, the way that his life's been goin' that would be an improvement.
Franco: What do you wanna do, Lou?
Lou: What do I wanna do? What does Lou wanna do? Lou wants to sit here with a box of doughnuts and watch Frankenstein. That's what Lou wants to do. Although, that combination usually leads to a jerk off session so Lou will just stand here and worry.
Franco: Still gettin' Tommy's voice mail. Called him at home, the machine is full.
Lou: He was in the shower when I left this morning.
Mike: Maybe he like slipped and knocked himself out.
Lou: You know, the way that his life's been goin' that would be an improvement.
Franco: What do you wanna do, Lou?
Lou: What do I wanna do? What does Lou wanna do? Lou wants to sit here with a box of doughnuts and watch Frankenstein. That's what Lou wants to do. Although, that combination usually leads to a jerk off session so Lou will just stand here and worry.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Lou: You know, how would you rather go out? Lying there burnt up like Stack in some hospital bed. They come in and take you, bit by bit. Like you're a goddamn Mr. Potato Head. Or like Jerry? Bangin' away, free as a bird, his cock as hard as a shovel, huh? Mr. Potato Head style or cock like a shovel? Well?
Tommy: I'm thinking. [pauses] Shovel cock.
Lou: Huh?
Tommy: Shovel cock!
Lou: That's my boy.
Tommy: I'm thinking. [pauses] Shovel cock.
Lou: Huh?
Tommy: Shovel cock!
Lou: That's my boy.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Sean: Hey chief, do you wanna break this window?
Chief Reilly: Nah, this is beveled glass. He'll shit if we break this.
Sean: What about this one?
Chief Reilly: Nah, that's a storm window. I'll tell you what — we were down at the track last week. The guy owes me forty bucks, so let's see if we can find a forty dollar window.
[Franco and Sean put a chair through Jerry's back door window]
Chief Reilly: Nah, this is beveled glass. He'll shit if we break this.
Sean: What about this one?
Chief Reilly: Nah, that's a storm window. I'll tell you what — we were down at the track last week. The guy owes me forty bucks, so let's see if we can find a forty dollar window.
[Franco and Sean put a chair through Jerry's back door window]
TV Show: Rescue Me
Funeral Director: This one is considered the Mercedes-Benz of caskets.
Lou: And how much?
Funeral Director: Fifteen thousand.
Lou: And the cemetery fees, the cost of embalming, and the wake and all of that...
Funeral Director: I'd have to sit down in front of the computer.
Lou: Ballpark.
Funeral Director: About forty thousand dollars.
Lou: Jesus, it'd be cheaper to buy a used Mercedes and put him in the trunk and drive him off of a goddamn bridge. Tommy, what do you think?
Lou: And how much?
Funeral Director: Fifteen thousand.
Lou: And the cemetery fees, the cost of embalming, and the wake and all of that...
Funeral Director: I'd have to sit down in front of the computer.
Lou: Ballpark.
Funeral Director: About forty thousand dollars.
Lou: Jesus, it'd be cheaper to buy a used Mercedes and put him in the trunk and drive him off of a goddamn bridge. Tommy, what do you think?
TV Show: Rescue Me
RoseMary: Listen, it's all about sex and laughing, right? We can all die tomorrow, happy is the key. You gotta be happy.
Tommy: Nice speech.
RoseMary: You know where I first heard that speech?
Tommy: Where?
RoseMary: From you. After all that they put me through, mom and dad, you know how that made me feel. You gave me that speech, you opened up my eyes, you opened up my ears, Tommy. You made it seem so clear cut. [hugs him] Thank you.
Tommy: Nice speech.
RoseMary: You know where I first heard that speech?
Tommy: Where?
RoseMary: From you. After all that they put me through, mom and dad, you know how that made me feel. You gave me that speech, you opened up my eyes, you opened up my ears, Tommy. You made it seem so clear cut. [hugs him] Thank you.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Lou: H.Q. I told them that we don't have a Chief, and they said that they sent somebody.
Tommy: It must've been Izzy, right?
Lou: No, it's not Izzy, he's got his own crew to deal with. Same with Needles. They tell me this guy... (looks at his paper) Tell me, how do you pronounce this? P-E-C-H-E-R.
Tommy: You've gotta be kiddin' me. It's gold.
Lou: It's 'pecker', right?
Tommy: This is like shootin' fish is a goddamn barrel. You've got so many options here.
Lou: Yeah, if he's an asshole, you've got peck-a-wood, peck-a-head.
Tommy: Yeah, and if he's good lookin', Gregory Pecker.
Lou: And if he's black... you've got Black 'n Pecker.
Tommy: There you go.
Tommy: It must've been Izzy, right?
Lou: No, it's not Izzy, he's got his own crew to deal with. Same with Needles. They tell me this guy... (looks at his paper) Tell me, how do you pronounce this? P-E-C-H-E-R.
Tommy: You've gotta be kiddin' me. It's gold.
Lou: It's 'pecker', right?
Tommy: This is like shootin' fish is a goddamn barrel. You've got so many options here.
Lou: Yeah, if he's an asshole, you've got peck-a-wood, peck-a-head.
Tommy: Yeah, and if he's good lookin', Gregory Pecker.
Lou: And if he's black... you've got Black 'n Pecker.
Tommy: There you go.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: [looking at a 9/11 Memorial] It's hard to believe it's been five years, man.
Franco: Yeah I saw a thing about this in the Times, the picture didn't do it justice.
Lou: You realize the only reason this is here, is because firefighters and regular people, wanted to honor the guys we lost. There were no politicians involved.
Tommy: No. The Chief of the Department, did I tell ya, when they did the unveiling... his speech, he said "All we got was empty promises from empty suits."
Lou: You know I feel for those families over there. Waiting for a memorial for their loved ones, we already got ours.
Tommy: You know, the guys from this house, they lost a lot of brothers that day... they wrote on the back of this thing, they put personal prayers, put personal notes, and remembrances, of all the brothers they lost that day... and then they sealed it up so that nobody will ever be able to read what they wrote.
Lou: That's the way it should be, it stays between brothers.
Franco: Each other is all we got, right.
Franco: Yeah I saw a thing about this in the Times, the picture didn't do it justice.
Lou: You realize the only reason this is here, is because firefighters and regular people, wanted to honor the guys we lost. There were no politicians involved.
Tommy: No. The Chief of the Department, did I tell ya, when they did the unveiling... his speech, he said "All we got was empty promises from empty suits."
Lou: You know I feel for those families over there. Waiting for a memorial for their loved ones, we already got ours.
Tommy: You know, the guys from this house, they lost a lot of brothers that day... they wrote on the back of this thing, they put personal prayers, put personal notes, and remembrances, of all the brothers they lost that day... and then they sealed it up so that nobody will ever be able to read what they wrote.
Lou: That's the way it should be, it stays between brothers.
Franco: Each other is all we got, right.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: [coming up with a plan about the baby] Alright, so you know what we do, we pretend that we're together, and when the baby's born I'll help you raise it, and if it's a boy, grand slam because that solves my dad's problem with the male heir thing...
Janet: Okay, and what if the baby looks like Johnny? [Tommy scoffs] What?
Tommy: Like that's a possibility.
Janet: Uh, yeah.
Tommy: Both of Angie's kids look just like Angie, okay? Nothing like Johnny, okay? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm, are you kiddin' me?
Janet: Oh my gosh... okay.
Tommy: My sperm are like... they have ant strength, they can lift other sperm outta the way, okay?
Janet: Okay, and what if the baby looks like Johnny? [Tommy scoffs] What?
Tommy: Like that's a possibility.
Janet: Uh, yeah.
Tommy: Both of Angie's kids look just like Angie, okay? Nothing like Johnny, okay? My sperm versus Johnny's sperm, are you kiddin' me?
Janet: Oh my gosh... okay.
Tommy: My sperm are like... they have ant strength, they can lift other sperm outta the way, okay?
TV Show: Rescue Me
Katy: Wait, um, what's sperm? [Tommy looks to Janet who throws her hands up in the air at him]
Tommy: It's -- It's, uh food. It's like uh, Spam, except it has more... protein and it's hard to find in the store. Now get outta here.
Katy: Well, I thought it was the stuff that came out of a man's penis during intercourse.
Tommy: It's -- It's, uh food. It's like uh, Spam, except it has more... protein and it's hard to find in the store. Now get outta here.
Katy: Well, I thought it was the stuff that came out of a man's penis during intercourse.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: Colleen is smoking pot!
Janet: I know.
Tommy: You know? What do you mean 'you know'?
Janet: And it's good pot, not the cheap shit we used to get.
Tommy: Great, great. That's a great attitdude. You know, I told you years ago, that pot is a gateway drug--- So she comes home tonight, not only is she high, she's drunk. Drunk. Yeah, shitfaced. Puked. Yeah.
Janet: Was she driving?
Tommy: No, I think her 50 year old boyfriend was handling the driving responsiblities.
Janet: He's 26. And that's good, that's good.
Tommy: Why's that good?
Janet: Because he doesn't drink.
Tommy: Okay. I'm pretty sure she's bangin' this guy.
Janet: I know. She's on the pill.
Tommy: You put her on the pill? In-insane. Just totally-- ... You-- you got the whole toolbox goin' here, booze, penises, ... I-- I can't believe that I'm finally the moral compass in this family.
Janet: I know.
Tommy: You know? What do you mean 'you know'?
Janet: And it's good pot, not the cheap shit we used to get.
Tommy: Great, great. That's a great attitdude. You know, I told you years ago, that pot is a gateway drug--- So she comes home tonight, not only is she high, she's drunk. Drunk. Yeah, shitfaced. Puked. Yeah.
Janet: Was she driving?
Tommy: No, I think her 50 year old boyfriend was handling the driving responsiblities.
Janet: He's 26. And that's good, that's good.
Tommy: Why's that good?
Janet: Because he doesn't drink.
Tommy: Okay. I'm pretty sure she's bangin' this guy.
Janet: I know. She's on the pill.
Tommy: You put her on the pill? In-insane. Just totally-- ... You-- you got the whole toolbox goin' here, booze, penises, ... I-- I can't believe that I'm finally the moral compass in this family.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: Okay, Colleen, sex with the boyfriend, in the car in front of the house. How about that, huh? The neighbors could've seen--
Janet: So did we. So did we.
Tommy: Honey, she's a kid, she just turned 18... you know...
Janet: You got me pregnant when I was 17.
Tommy: Okay, that was--
Janet: In your truck, while we were drinking, and on pot.
Tommy: It was the 70's, okay?
Janet: So did we. So did we.
Tommy: Honey, she's a kid, she just turned 18... you know...
Janet: You got me pregnant when I was 17.
Tommy: Okay, that was--
Janet: In your truck, while we were drinking, and on pot.
Tommy: It was the 70's, okay?
TV Show: Rescue Me
Janet: This baby hates me.
Tommy: Honey, he's a baby, he doesn't even know what hate is.
Janet: He's a Gavin. He was born to hate. You know, come to think of it, I think he's all Gavin. Half Johnny, half you.
Tommy: Honey, he's a baby, he doesn't even know what hate is.
Janet: He's a Gavin. He was born to hate. You know, come to think of it, I think he's all Gavin. Half Johnny, half you.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Maggie: You're throwing away the porn?
Sean: Okay, look, Maggie, a lotta wives-- they would be thrilled if their husbands were throwing away their porn they would see it as a mature and committed act, and -- and I thnk that you should see this as a real positive thing.
Maggie: You know, that's all fine and good, Sean, only it's my porn.
Sean: Yeah, but you don't need it anymore 'cause 'ya got me.
Maggie: [laughs] Put the box down.
Sean: C'mon, Maggie I just wanna be married for two seconds without--
Maggie: No, now! You see this box? This box is your friend, it might even be your best friend because it is the only thing breathing life into our relationship right now.
Sean: Maggie, we've been married nine months. What are you talkin' about breathin' life into the relationship?
Maggie: Everyone needs breath, everyone needs a spark, Sean!
Sean: Okay, and the spark is watching some girl get double teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?
Maggie: See, now you understand.
Sean: No, I don't understand. I don't understand, Maggie, and I don't think you understand that I might have a problem with this. You know, that this might make me feel... inferior.
Maggie: Oh, but Sean you have nothing to feel inferior about.
Sean: Really?
Maggie: Well.... except for the fact that your cock isn't as big as a telephone pole. But, that's--
Sean: That's okay, I'm going to work. You go look at your porn.
Maggie: Sean--- Sean, you don't want your cock that big. Your life would be terrible, you would not be able to buy pants.
Sean: Okay, look, Maggie, a lotta wives-- they would be thrilled if their husbands were throwing away their porn they would see it as a mature and committed act, and -- and I thnk that you should see this as a real positive thing.
Maggie: You know, that's all fine and good, Sean, only it's my porn.
Sean: Yeah, but you don't need it anymore 'cause 'ya got me.
Maggie: [laughs] Put the box down.
Sean: C'mon, Maggie I just wanna be married for two seconds without--
Maggie: No, now! You see this box? This box is your friend, it might even be your best friend because it is the only thing breathing life into our relationship right now.
Sean: Maggie, we've been married nine months. What are you talkin' about breathin' life into the relationship?
Maggie: Everyone needs breath, everyone needs a spark, Sean!
Sean: Okay, and the spark is watching some girl get double teamed by guys with cocks the size of telephone poles?
Maggie: See, now you understand.
Sean: No, I don't understand. I don't understand, Maggie, and I don't think you understand that I might have a problem with this. You know, that this might make me feel... inferior.
Maggie: Oh, but Sean you have nothing to feel inferior about.
Sean: Really?
Maggie: Well.... except for the fact that your cock isn't as big as a telephone pole. But, that's--
Sean: That's okay, I'm going to work. You go look at your porn.
Maggie: Sean--- Sean, you don't want your cock that big. Your life would be terrible, you would not be able to buy pants.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: So you want me to lie?
Eddie: Yeah, through your goddamn teeth I want you to lie.
Tommy: Well, I can't do that.
Eddie: You-- You can't [starts laughing]
Tommy: What's so funny?
Eddie: You can't lie?
Tommy: Look, I can lie to my wife, my kids, the guys at work, the guys at headquarters, cops, yeah I can do that kinda lyin'. That's like triple-A ball, you know? But these are lawyers, this is major league pitching here to these guys, I'm good but I'm not that good.
Eddie: Yeah, through your goddamn teeth I want you to lie.
Tommy: Well, I can't do that.
Eddie: You-- You can't [starts laughing]
Tommy: What's so funny?
Eddie: You can't lie?
Tommy: Look, I can lie to my wife, my kids, the guys at work, the guys at headquarters, cops, yeah I can do that kinda lyin'. That's like triple-A ball, you know? But these are lawyers, this is major league pitching here to these guys, I'm good but I'm not that good.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Sean: Hey guys, can I ask you somethin'?
Lou: Oh, here we go.
Sean: What? What do you mean 'here we go'?
Lou: Well, everytime you say 'Hey guys, can I ask you somethin', we're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead end incrediably moronic conversation or you're gonna say somethin' so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we're gonna end up thinking back to what you said and laughing our tired asses off. Not like it's gonna stop you. (hands out plates of food) My grandma's lemon chicken, you dumb Irish minks, so eat slow. Proceed, Sean.
Sean: Wow. Okay, you know how uh, porn has come out on DVD so it's like really cheap and available? And you go onto the internet and it's right there and kinda pop-upable in your face. ... Well, here's-- here's my question: Do you guys, do you still use the you know, the good 'ol spank bank?
Lou: Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.
Lou: Oh, here we go.
Sean: What? What do you mean 'here we go'?
Lou: Well, everytime you say 'Hey guys, can I ask you somethin', we're either gonna end up in some ridiculous, dead end incrediably moronic conversation or you're gonna say somethin' so stupid that we're gonna spend the night unable to sleep because we're gonna end up thinking back to what you said and laughing our tired asses off. Not like it's gonna stop you. (hands out plates of food) My grandma's lemon chicken, you dumb Irish minks, so eat slow. Proceed, Sean.
Sean: Wow. Okay, you know how uh, porn has come out on DVD so it's like really cheap and available? And you go onto the internet and it's right there and kinda pop-upable in your face. ... Well, here's-- here's my question: Do you guys, do you still use the you know, the good 'ol spank bank?
Lou: Finally. A perfect fit for some fine dinner conversation.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Sean: Well, at this stage of the game my wife's got a bigger bank than I do.
Tommy: I'm eating.
Sean: Let me think though, Scarlett Johannson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...
Franco: Janet who?
Sean: What?
Franco: Janet who?
Sean: Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.
Lou: Shit. Gimme the knives. [grabs all the knives from the table]
Sean: What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?
Tommy: I think you were talking about my wife.
Sean: No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?
Tommy: Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.
Sean: No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...
Tommy: Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!
Sean: Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the picnic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water balloon fight, I mean come on!
Tommy: I'm eating.
Sean: Let me think though, Scarlett Johannson. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Garner. Uh, Barbra Hersh, this chick I went to high school with, uh... Brittney Klein, another chick I went to high school with. Karen Palonowski, whoo she was on the swim team. Janet... Uh lemme see...
Franco: Janet who?
Sean: What?
Franco: Janet who?
Sean: Janet... Janet... Janakowski. She was uh, on the debate team, she was uh... she was so hot, she could really debate.
Lou: Shit. Gimme the knives. [grabs all the knives from the table]
Sean: What's happening? I don't understand. Shit where was I...?
Tommy: I think you were talking about my wife.
Sean: No, no, god no, I was not talking about... your wife?
Tommy: Yes, yes, you were. You're jerkin' off to my wife.
Sean: No. Oh my God, I don't know where you got that from, I did not say that! I would never...
Tommy: Yes, yes you did. That's what you said. Yes you did. You did, you did!
Sean: Okay, I did. But let me explain. It was the picnic a few years ago, okay? You remember she showed up with the white blouse on and it was kind of see though and we had a water balloon fight, I mean come on!
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: FDNY ain't like it used to be, man. It's all bean counters and brown nosers now. Guys like me, a dyin' breed.
Eddie: Oh, yeah, with the drinkin' and the druggin' and the mistresses, and the lyin and the cheatin'. World ain't what it used to be, huh, Tom? Hey, we gotta go. Teddy's case just came in.
Tommy: Is that good or bad?
Eddie: If I had to bet right now on your case or Teddy's I'd have to call it even.
Tommy: Why's that?
Eddie: Because they both hinge on the same thing.
Tommy: Which is?
Eddie: Dead dicks.
Eddie: Oh, yeah, with the drinkin' and the druggin' and the mistresses, and the lyin and the cheatin'. World ain't what it used to be, huh, Tom? Hey, we gotta go. Teddy's case just came in.
Tommy: Is that good or bad?
Eddie: If I had to bet right now on your case or Teddy's I'd have to call it even.
Tommy: Why's that?
Eddie: Because they both hinge on the same thing.
Tommy: Which is?
Eddie: Dead dicks.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: I wanna know what really happened that night, okay? All of it.
Sheila: You know the truth, Tommy. You're an uncontrollable alcohol with a heavy case of survivor's guilt. Couple of big swigs, the guilt goes right out the window, and you're rippin' off my panties and wippin' out your dick. I saw somethin' about it on Oprah, the grieving process. That's how men deal with death. They wanna have a lot of sex, they think it kills off all the emotions inside.
Tommy: Oprah said that?
Sheila: She did.
Sheila: You know the truth, Tommy. You're an uncontrollable alcohol with a heavy case of survivor's guilt. Couple of big swigs, the guilt goes right out the window, and you're rippin' off my panties and wippin' out your dick. I saw somethin' about it on Oprah, the grieving process. That's how men deal with death. They wanna have a lot of sex, they think it kills off all the emotions inside.
Tommy: Oprah said that?
Sheila: She did.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: [after Sheila sprays him with perfume] Wh-what are you doing?
Sheila: You had a little baby stink on you. Anyway, it's Curious by Britney Spears, it's fancy.
Tommy: Well, the mystery's over, she's a whore.
Sheila: You had a little baby stink on you. Anyway, it's Curious by Britney Spears, it's fancy.
Tommy: Well, the mystery's over, she's a whore.
TV Show: Rescue Me
[Colleen comes out of her boyfriend's bedroom with just her underwear on]
Tommy: Oh, my God! [to Lou, Franco and Sean] Blinders, blinders, blinders! Let me tell you something, this better not--
Sean: It's not goin' in the spank bank.
Tommy: It better not.
Sean: I promise.
Tommy: Oh, my God! [to Lou, Franco and Sean] Blinders, blinders, blinders! Let me tell you something, this better not--
Sean: It's not goin' in the spank bank.
Tommy: It better not.
Sean: I promise.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: I told your mother I was bringing you home, let's go.
Colleen: No, I can't live with your shit anymore. There's no screaming or fighting or drinking here-- Okay, there's a little bit of drinking, but-- but I never wake up to find my father passed out on the couch. You don't own me anymore, I'm legal and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and treats me with respect. Eat shit and die, Dad. Go to hell.
Colleen: No, I can't live with your shit anymore. There's no screaming or fighting or drinking here-- Okay, there's a little bit of drinking, but-- but I never wake up to find my father passed out on the couch. You don't own me anymore, I'm legal and I'm staying here with someone who loves me and treats me with respect. Eat shit and die, Dad. Go to hell.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Lou: I mean apologies don't mean shit to a teenage girl. You gotta take a beating if you wanna win her back.
Tommy: What do you mean, like take a beating, take a beating?
Lou: Take a beating, take a beating. You're gonna have to go over there, mix it up with him, but this time, you don't hit first. You gotta get him so pissed at you that he really, really just wants to kill you, you know, so just be yourself. And then you take the beating like the little bitch that you are. Daddy's little girl kneels by your side, tears, all of a sudden, he's the shit heel, you're the victim, get a little of that sympathy goin' your way.
Tommy: Eh, I don't know if I can do that, Lou.
Lou: Yeah, you can. Do it for Colleen, I'll go with you, it'll be fun.
Tommy: What do you mean, like take a beating, take a beating?
Lou: Take a beating, take a beating. You're gonna have to go over there, mix it up with him, but this time, you don't hit first. You gotta get him so pissed at you that he really, really just wants to kill you, you know, so just be yourself. And then you take the beating like the little bitch that you are. Daddy's little girl kneels by your side, tears, all of a sudden, he's the shit heel, you're the victim, get a little of that sympathy goin' your way.
Tommy: Eh, I don't know if I can do that, Lou.
Lou: Yeah, you can. Do it for Colleen, I'll go with you, it'll be fun.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Kenny: Oh, please, the word 'sex' just makes me wanna crawl into a hole and die.
Mike: Why the nun still goin' full steam?
Kenny: Gentlemen, if you ever get the chance of becoming romantically involved with a nun, brace yourself. All those years she was saving herself for the Lord, not indulging in sex, well, when that dam breaks and it breaks in a big way. Its like a tsunami, only instead of water, you get hit with sex. Exotic positions, rubbing, touching, sucking, probing--
Tommy: [walks in] The tsunami speech again?
Kenny: I mean, the wave just keeps coming, destroying everything in it's path. Oh, what I wouldn't give for two hours of straight sleep.
Mike: Why the nun still goin' full steam?
Kenny: Gentlemen, if you ever get the chance of becoming romantically involved with a nun, brace yourself. All those years she was saving herself for the Lord, not indulging in sex, well, when that dam breaks and it breaks in a big way. Its like a tsunami, only instead of water, you get hit with sex. Exotic positions, rubbing, touching, sucking, probing--
Tommy: [walks in] The tsunami speech again?
Kenny: I mean, the wave just keeps coming, destroying everything in it's path. Oh, what I wouldn't give for two hours of straight sleep.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Tommy: [Nona kisses Tommy] Whoa, that's fast. Uh… it's just that we haven't--- uh….
Nona: Are you wiggin' out because I carried you out of the fire? Because it's my job.
Tommy: Well, it's not really your job. I mean, you're a volunteer.
Nona: And that's makin' it harder for you, isn't it?
Tommy: I-I uh… I-I'll be completely honest with you. … I just think that it would be so much more special if we… just you know, waited.
Nona: Get out of my truck.
Tommy: Wh--?
Nona: No, no, really. Get out of my truck.
Tommy: No, no, but I'm serious.
Nona: Yeah, are you gay? You're gay.
Tommy: I'm -- I'm gay my wife is right up--
Nona: Oh, whatever, princess. Just get out. I'll call 'ya, but not after 11. I wouldn't wanna upset your mom.
Nona: Are you wiggin' out because I carried you out of the fire? Because it's my job.
Tommy: Well, it's not really your job. I mean, you're a volunteer.
Nona: And that's makin' it harder for you, isn't it?
Tommy: I-I uh… I-I'll be completely honest with you. … I just think that it would be so much more special if we… just you know, waited.
Nona: Get out of my truck.
Tommy: Wh--?
Nona: No, no, really. Get out of my truck.
Tommy: No, no, but I'm serious.
Nona: Yeah, are you gay? You're gay.
Tommy: I'm -- I'm gay my wife is right up--
Nona: Oh, whatever, princess. Just get out. I'll call 'ya, but not after 11. I wouldn't wanna upset your mom.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Janet: Oh my God, this is it. This is the end of the line.
Tommy: W-W-What?
Janet: Yeah, no. I've heard about this. Tommy, you have never not gotten it up for me.
Tommy: Honey... Honey, I just need to uh... what?
Janet: Tommy, I get wet, you get hard. You get hard, I get wet. That's the deal. That's been the deal for 20 something years. It may as well been our marriage vows.
Tommy: W-W-What?
Janet: Yeah, no. I've heard about this. Tommy, you have never not gotten it up for me.
Tommy: Honey... Honey, I just need to uh... what?
Janet: Tommy, I get wet, you get hard. You get hard, I get wet. That's the deal. That's been the deal for 20 something years. It may as well been our marriage vows.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Sean: Do you mind if I stay with you for a couple of days?
Mike: Why?
Sean: Well, you've been feelin' kind of bad, and y'know, you're all alone it that big house. I thought it might be kinda scary for 'ya. Thought maybe I'd come and hang out with 'ya, lift your spirits a little.
Mike: That's really cool, Sean. I forgot what a good friend you can be.
Sean: Yeah. Plus, I might be getting a divorce.
Mike: Why?
Sean: Well, you've been feelin' kind of bad, and y'know, you're all alone it that big house. I thought it might be kinda scary for 'ya. Thought maybe I'd come and hang out with 'ya, lift your spirits a little.
Mike: That's really cool, Sean. I forgot what a good friend you can be.
Sean: Yeah. Plus, I might be getting a divorce.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Franco: I'm just looking for a positive take on marriage, but apparently I'm out of luck, huh?
Tommy: No, actually, you're not. I'm the perfect guy for you right now. I know, I know, I know. I mean, all these years I've been talking about Janet about how crazy she is and how illogical and nonsensical, and how she... never ever is gonna be satisfied with everything.
Franco: Yeah.
Tommy: It turns out I was right. Yeah, but it's not just her. It's pretty much all woman. That's what I-- Yeah, but the problem is, I was approaching it the wrong way, yeah. I was thinking about you know, me and sex-- By the way, the sex thing is the key... sex really has nothing to do with marriage. Tits, ass, sex... just throw that out the window. The key stuff is... listening. You gotta be able to listen, and have long conversations that-- that you remember, um... hugging.
Franco: Hugging?
Tommy: Yeah, hugging's a big one. Buying furniture. And what's the other one? Oh, spooning. Yeah.
Franco: Okay. Now, let me get this straight: You, Tommy Gavin, one of the all-time, hall of fame type, pussy hounds in the history of the FDNY, in my opinion, you are tellin' me that I should forget about ass, forget about tits, forget about sex and focus on... uh... caring and sharing and listening and... hugging, and uh...
Tommy: Spooning.
Franco: Right. I mean, this what's making your marriage work?
Tommy: Yep. That and the fact that my dick doesn't apparently work with any other women. [sighs] It really sucks. But, you know, if I were you, I'd pull the trigger as fast I can, pal. Get yourself hitched.
Tommy: No, actually, you're not. I'm the perfect guy for you right now. I know, I know, I know. I mean, all these years I've been talking about Janet about how crazy she is and how illogical and nonsensical, and how she... never ever is gonna be satisfied with everything.
Franco: Yeah.
Tommy: It turns out I was right. Yeah, but it's not just her. It's pretty much all woman. That's what I-- Yeah, but the problem is, I was approaching it the wrong way, yeah. I was thinking about you know, me and sex-- By the way, the sex thing is the key... sex really has nothing to do with marriage. Tits, ass, sex... just throw that out the window. The key stuff is... listening. You gotta be able to listen, and have long conversations that-- that you remember, um... hugging.
Franco: Hugging?
Tommy: Yeah, hugging's a big one. Buying furniture. And what's the other one? Oh, spooning. Yeah.
Franco: Okay. Now, let me get this straight: You, Tommy Gavin, one of the all-time, hall of fame type, pussy hounds in the history of the FDNY, in my opinion, you are tellin' me that I should forget about ass, forget about tits, forget about sex and focus on... uh... caring and sharing and listening and... hugging, and uh...
Tommy: Spooning.
Franco: Right. I mean, this what's making your marriage work?
Tommy: Yep. That and the fact that my dick doesn't apparently work with any other women. [sighs] It really sucks. But, you know, if I were you, I'd pull the trigger as fast I can, pal. Get yourself hitched.
TV Show: Rescue Me
Lou: Mikey, what the hell's the matter with you? Are you okay? Mikey?
Mike: Lou, I'm a grown man and I-I don't even know how to use a dryer. She did everything for me, you know, guys. And I never even thanked her. I mean, I thanked her, like you know, I said 'thanks, mom', but they were just words. I didn't really mean it, you know, I just said it so she'd do it again. Like make my bed, or cook me breakfast, or pick out my clothes... Lou, you make one gay joke and I swear.
Lou: Mikey, I'm not gonna make a gay joke.
Mike: What, then? [Kenny hugs him, and the Mike walks off]
Tommy: I can't believe you uh, didn't make one gay joke during that whole little monologue.
Lou: Well, Jesus, Tom. The kid just lost his mother, you know? Can we not give him a little bit of time.
Tommy: Alright, so, first thing tomorrow morning...
Lou: Oh, yeah. We attack him at dawn.
Tommy: Alright. How many gay jokes do you think you have?
Lou: Oh, I got a dozen right in the back of my mind.
Mike: Lou, I'm a grown man and I-I don't even know how to use a dryer. She did everything for me, you know, guys. And I never even thanked her. I mean, I thanked her, like you know, I said 'thanks, mom', but they were just words. I didn't really mean it, you know, I just said it so she'd do it again. Like make my bed, or cook me breakfast, or pick out my clothes... Lou, you make one gay joke and I swear.
Lou: Mikey, I'm not gonna make a gay joke.
Mike: What, then? [Kenny hugs him, and the Mike walks off]
Tommy: I can't believe you uh, didn't make one gay joke during that whole little monologue.
Lou: Well, Jesus, Tom. The kid just lost his mother, you know? Can we not give him a little bit of time.
Tommy: Alright, so, first thing tomorrow morning...
Lou: Oh, yeah. We attack him at dawn.
Tommy: Alright. How many gay jokes do you think you have?
Lou: Oh, I got a dozen right in the back of my mind.
TV Show: Rescue Me