Robot Chicken Quotes
Papa Smurf " This is exactly why I'm Papa Smurf and you're just...uhhh...uh...uh which smurf are you?"
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Papa Smurf "That Dam was smurfed by the finest construction crew the forest has to offer."
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Grandpa Smurf: "I did't evacuate when them chipmonks went rabid, and that was bad. Sure as hell ain't evacuating for a little rain. [Flood water then crushes him]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Anderson Copper: "Destruction. Devestation. A community in ruins. How did it come to this? Why did the dam fail?"
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Gargamel: "I've spent my entire adult life trying to find the smurf village. How did Anderson (bleep)ing Copper find it in less than a day?"
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Anderson Copper: " And where is the king during the greatest crisis the forest has ever known?"
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Brainy Smurf: "Papa Smurf says that the king doesn't care about blue people and Papa Smurf is always right because Papa Smurf..."
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Brainy Smurf: "Usually the other smurfs kick me out of the village when I start talking too much, but... there are no smurfs left!"
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Gargamel is on the phone ordering take-out looking deppresed " Hello it's Gargamel, yes the usual. Oh with fried rice please! For one." [Hangs up phone and sighs.]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Orderly: Hey, what's on the menu today?
Chef: I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.
Orderly: Oh, my God.
[After dinner, the inmates are rioting, beating themselves with trays, drawing on the walls, and farting incessantly. Switches to TiVo listing, with the following dialogue unseen]
Gary: I think I've had enough of that show. Delete
["Delete? Are you sure you want to delete: Robot Chicken: "Boo Cocky?" Yes No"]
Enrique: [highlights "No" and selects. Goes up and down the queue throughout] Hey, what are you doing?
Gary: I don't want Robot Chicken on the DVR.
Enrique: No, I love Robot Chicken.
Gary: It's all farting and retards.
Enrique: Well, I like it.
Gary: Tough titties.
Enrique: Ass! We split the cable bill.
Gary: TV doesn't have to be stupid...
Enrique: I want...
Gary: [cont'd] ...it can be challenging, even brainy...
Enrique: You want something brainy on the TV. [Gunshot! Blood splatters on the screen, and the queue stops] There! Ha ha ha! Oh, man. I ain't going to prison. [Another gunshot! More blood splattered.]
Friend: [sound of opening door] Oh, my God! Gary! Enrique! I better call 911! [Dials] But I might as well watch a little Robot Chicken while I wait for the cops. [Selects "Boo Cocky" and watches. Scene goes back to the rioting, farting inmates.]
Chef: I thought the inmates would enjoy a nice change of pace. Broccoli, baked beans, coffee ice cream, and Red Bull.
Orderly: Oh, my God.
[After dinner, the inmates are rioting, beating themselves with trays, drawing on the walls, and farting incessantly. Switches to TiVo listing, with the following dialogue unseen]
Gary: I think I've had enough of that show. Delete
["Delete? Are you sure you want to delete: Robot Chicken: "Boo Cocky?" Yes No"]
Enrique: [highlights "No" and selects. Goes up and down the queue throughout] Hey, what are you doing?
Gary: I don't want Robot Chicken on the DVR.
Enrique: No, I love Robot Chicken.
Gary: It's all farting and retards.
Enrique: Well, I like it.
Gary: Tough titties.
Enrique: Ass! We split the cable bill.
Gary: TV doesn't have to be stupid...
Enrique: I want...
Gary: [cont'd] ...it can be challenging, even brainy...
Enrique: You want something brainy on the TV. [Gunshot! Blood splatters on the screen, and the queue stops] There! Ha ha ha! Oh, man. I ain't going to prison. [Another gunshot! More blood splattered.]
Friend: [sound of opening door] Oh, my God! Gary! Enrique! I better call 911! [Dials] But I might as well watch a little Robot Chicken while I wait for the cops. [Selects "Boo Cocky" and watches. Scene goes back to the rioting, farting inmates.]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Marv: (narrating) I flossed and brushed my teeth again. They say, "Only floss the ones you wanna keep"; I always liked that joke. Then I swished around some mouthwash; kills gingivitis. Damn gingivitis. Leading cause of gum disease. Saw an old lady tryin' to cross the street. Grandma couldn't have been less than 90-years-old; probably seen a lot over those years; lots of stories to tell and a family that loves her.
Marv: Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, I'm walkin' here! I loved that line.
Marv: Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin' for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kitten's life is in my hands.
Marv: Here you go, buddy.
Marv: Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These latte's are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless you're killing gingivitis.
Marv: Let me help you out, granny. Stop the cars to make sure granny could cross, I'm walkin' here! I loved that line.
Marv: Then I saw some pussy that made my heart stop. Pussy was caught up in the tree; little kid cryin' for it. Poor kid, probably not old enough to tie his shoes in his damn kitten's life is in my hands.
Marv: Here you go, buddy.
Marv: Tipped the barista $5 for my soylatte. These latte's are good; good enough to kill for, but I never do that. Killing is bad, unless you're killing gingivitis.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
(The sketch opens to Doc's workshop Doc is with Sprocket (his pet dog), and they have an exterminator investigating Fraggle Rock)
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Danny Ocean: I'm Danny Ocean, and for this caper, we're gonna need more than 11, 12 or 13 guys. So, team one, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Carl Reiner, Elliott Gould, Scott Caan, Shaobo Qin, Eddie Jemison, Andy Garcia, Leonardo DiCaprio, Bruce Willis, Vin Diesel, William Shatner, Topher Grace, Christopher Walken, Justin Timberlake, Antonio Banderas, Samuel L. Jackson, Kurtwood Smith, Bruce Campbell, Jackie Chan and "Weird Al" Yankovic, you start a fight at the bar. Then team two, Sylvester Stallone, Erik Estrada, David Letterman, Vince Vaughn, Leonard Nimoy, Vladmir Putin, Frankenstein, my niece Susie, Koko the Gorilla, panda with a monocle, Peter Pan, John Denver's corpse, a mime, Sherlax the Devourer of Worlds and Ryan Seacrest, you'll slip in the back. Any questions?
Teams 1 and 2: No!
Danny Ocean: Then let's do this.
Teams 1 and 2: No!
Danny Ocean: Then let's do this.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Sir Mix-a-Lot: (to tune of "Baby Got Back This table's long, but it should be round King Arthur can't hear a sound When a knight tries to talk That brother's gotta walk 'bout half a freakin' block to be heard Can't hear a word 'cause this table is so absurd Us knights got much to discuss But this table's ridiculous
Balki: Don't be ridiculous
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Belvedere can't hear "Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
Sir Belvedere: Say what?!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: It's twenty feet by eighty Can't even flirt with ladies Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal If you're trying to cop a feel We need a new proportion To bring our kingdom fortune I got an idea that might work for ya I'm-a make this mother circular Sir Galahad!
Sir Galahad: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Percival!
Sir Percival: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: You wanna hear the others talk?
Knights: Hell yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down It's like King Arthur's crown Table be round! Table be round. Now with this circulation We can have nice conversation
Verizon guy: Can you hear me now?
Sir Percival: I can hear!
Sir Galahad: Holy cow!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Make every knight say...
Everybody: WOW!
King Arthur: Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail
Sir Mix-a-Lot: 360 on the parameter You know hos like diameter
Knight: Bumping this with the circumference
All: Table be round!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: [bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].
Balki: Don't be ridiculous
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Belvedere can't hear "Yo, can you pass me some beer?!"
Sir Belvedere: Say what?!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: It's twenty feet by eighty Can't even flirt with ladies Better have long arms when you're havin' a meal If you're trying to cop a feel We need a new proportion To bring our kingdom fortune I got an idea that might work for ya I'm-a make this mother circular Sir Galahad!
Sir Galahad: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Percival!
Sir Percival: Yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: You wanna hear the others talk?
Knights: Hell yeah!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Bring it in, sit it down It's like King Arthur's crown Table be round! Table be round. Now with this circulation We can have nice conversation
Verizon guy: Can you hear me now?
Sir Percival: I can hear!
Sir Galahad: Holy cow!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: Make every knight say...
Everybody: WOW!
King Arthur: Now you know that we cannot fail when we're looking for the Holy Grail
Sir Mix-a-Lot: 360 on the parameter You know hos like diameter
Knight: Bumping this with the circumference
All: Table be round!
Sir Mix-a-Lot: [bleep] I'm never gonna need money anyway. Where you win this shit, shootin' dice? Come on, man. Come on, man, the hell wrong with you? Crown-wearing mother[bleep]. [bleep].
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Edward: Steve, you and your wife are wonderful hosts. I'm being sincere.
Steve: You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
Julie: You're right.
Steve: Well, come on.
[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]
Edward: More apple pie for us, huh?
Steve's wife: Oh, you. [Doorbell rings] Who could that be?
[She opens the door]
Fanfare: [singing] Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
Steve's wife: Steve!
[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: Keep it down.
Steve's wife: I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
Trojan Man: Put this on your penis.
Steve: Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Edward: Julie, how could you?!
Julie: My clothes just fell off.
Trojan Man: Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
Edward: Will you shut the fuck up already?! Shut up!
Steve's wife: I am leaving you!
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [Crash] Oh, no, you broke it!
Trojan Man: That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: [crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.
Julie: It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
Edward: It changes everything!
Trojan Man: A reservoir tip is for your semen!
Julie: I got to get out of here.
[Julie leaves the house, with Edward following her]
Edward: You're a whore! You ruined my l
Steve: You know, Julie, I don't think you ever got a tour of the house.
Julie: You're right.
Steve: Well, come on.
[Steve and Julie go upstairs giggling]
Edward: More apple pie for us, huh?
Steve's wife: Oh, you. [Doorbell rings] Who could that be?
[She opens the door]
Fanfare: [singing] Trojan Man!
Trojan Man: [on horseback] Excuse me, madam, but I am needed upstairs!
Steve's wife: Steve!
[Trojan Man rides upstairs, with Edward and Steve's wife following. The following dialogue is unseen]
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Steve: Keep it down.
Steve's wife: I knew you acted weird around Julie, you bastard!
Trojan Man: Put this on your penis.
Steve: Get off! Get off me! Get off me!
Edward: Julie, how could you?!
Julie: My clothes just fell off.
Trojan Man: Her vagina will appreciate your forethought!
Edward: Will you shut the fuck up already?! Shut up!
Steve's wife: I am leaving you!
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: Hey, watch the horse! That was my grandma's– [Crash] Oh, no, you broke it!
Trojan Man: That would never happen to a Trojan condom.
Fanfare: Trojan Man!
Edward: [crying] You said my problem didn't bother you.
Julie: It doesn't. I mean, Edward, this doesn't change anything.
Edward: It changes everything!
Trojan Man: A reservoir tip is for your semen!
Julie: I got to get out of here.
[Julie leaves the house, with Edward following her]
Edward: You're a whore! You ruined my l
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Wonder Woman: You young heroes are so much more than mere sidekicks, you're the future of Justice League of America. Mentoring your progress gives me enormous amount of pride.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Wonder Woman: Give me those you little shittain!
Flash: I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. [whispering] Super-speed high five.
Flash: I am very, very disappointed in you, boy. [whispering] Super-speed high five.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Wonder Woman: What happened?
Martian Manhunter: It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!
Martian Manhunter: It wasn't me! Martian Boyhunter did it!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Skeletor: Behold! An invitation to King Randor's birthday party! This is our chance to conquer Castle Grayskull once and for all!
Evil-Lyn: I'm sure we're not on the guest list, Skeletor.
Skeletor: Of course not, you stupid shit! But what if we had a magical clone of He-Man?
Evil-Lyn: Well, I suppose, hypotheticly--
Skeletor: Uhh, we do! We have a magical clone of He-Man.
Beast-Man: Da da-da-da!
Skeletor: What the hell is this? Beast-Man, he's blue!
Beast-Man: Well, I'm half dog. Everything's shades are grey to me.
He-Man Clone: Me, He-Man!
Skeletor: Ugh, and his personal pronouns are all fucked up! I mean, where's the verb in that sentence? Gagh! [long pause] Eh, I'm a gambler.
Evil-Lyn: I'm sure we're not on the guest list, Skeletor.
Skeletor: Of course not, you stupid shit! But what if we had a magical clone of He-Man?
Evil-Lyn: Well, I suppose, hypotheticly--
Skeletor: Uhh, we do! We have a magical clone of He-Man.
Beast-Man: Da da-da-da!
Skeletor: What the hell is this? Beast-Man, he's blue!
Beast-Man: Well, I'm half dog. Everything's shades are grey to me.
He-Man Clone: Me, He-Man!
Skeletor: Ugh, and his personal pronouns are all fucked up! I mean, where's the verb in that sentence? Gagh! [long pause] Eh, I'm a gambler.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
[Man shoots a werewolf with a handgun to no effect]
Werewolf: Only a silver bullet can kill me.
[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing an RPG in a basement]
Kid in wizard hat: The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
Kid in knight helmet: That's a bunch of crap!
Werewolf: Only a silver bullet can kill me.
[Man pulls out a minigun and shoots the werewolf to a bloody pulp. He mops it into a bucket, pours gasoline on it, and sets it on fire. When he gets home, he chops the resulting ashes into lines and snorts it like cocaine, after which he violently craps it into a toilet. The crap is processed in a sewage treatment plant. Cut to three kids playing an RPG in a basement]
Kid in wizard hat: The book says he's still not dead. It has to be a silver bullet.
Kid in knight helmet: That's a bunch of crap!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Black Manta: The Joker came to Arkham Asylum in the summer of aught nine. I know as much because I remember thinkin', "That is the whitest son of a bitch I have ever seen."
[Joker enters the warden's office] He had a funny way about him - not "ha-ha" funny, nor "stab-stab" funny.
Joker: Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: "Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'"
[through speaker] Well, Riddler, here's your chatroom dedication.
Riddler: Yes!
Black Manta: He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
Sodomite: Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good.
[Joker enters the warden's office] He had a funny way about him - not "ha-ha" funny, nor "stab-stab" funny.
Joker: Welcome back to Arkham's Top 40. The Riddler writes: "Joker, can you please play 'Who Let the Dogs Out?'"
[through speaker] Well, Riddler, here's your chatroom dedication.
Riddler: Yes!
Black Manta: He even found a way to fool the Sodomites.
Sodomite: Come here, Joker. I'm gonna fill that balloon up real good.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Batman: Scarecrow; check. Two-Face; check. Joker? Joker, you better be sick or dead in there, I shit you not!
Black Manta: I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
Batman: What the hell?
Black Manta: The Joker did it in just two days. [laughs] Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
Batman: Think you can the sewer line, huh, Joker? Not with the Batman on your tail!
[in the sewer pipe...] Ugh! Smells like Batman Forever!
Joker: [laughing] Sucker!
Black Manta: But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
Joker: Buffalo wings, do your thing! [takes a crap and flushes toilet]
Batman: Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
Joker: Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
Batman: Oh, God, oh, God!
Black Manta: Batman crawled through a river of shit 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables - again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman. [rain and music immediately stops]
Batman: Oh, come on!
Black Manta: Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny. [Batman hears Joker laughing, walks off disappointed]
Black Manta: I remember thinking it would take a man a hundred years to tunnel out of Arkham.
Batman: What the hell?
Black Manta: The Joker did it in just two days. [laughs] Clearly, I gots trouble with the math.
Batman: Think you can the sewer line, huh, Joker? Not with the Batman on your tail!
[in the sewer pipe...] Ugh! Smells like Batman Forever!
Joker: [laughing] Sucker!
Black Manta: But what we didn't know was that the Joker hadn't actually left yet.
Joker: Buffalo wings, do your thing! [takes a crap and flushes toilet]
Batman: Ughh! Hello, there's a man down there; please don't flush anything for a while!
Joker: Oooowhee! Forget about The Green Mile, try walking the brown mile!
Batman: Oh, God, oh, God!
Black Manta: Batman crawled through a river of shit 500 yards long. I remember thinking that was probably the length of five Ping-Pong tables - again, not so good with the math. I remember thinking you have to be pretty insane to play a joke, like that on the Batman. [rain and music immediately stops]
Batman: Oh, come on!
Black Manta: Then again, I remember thinking that was pretty damn funny. [Batman hears Joker laughing, walks off disappointed]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Triple H: John Cena was supposed to challenge me for this championship tonight but apparently he got lost on his way here.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
JR: (At the announcer table with another announcer) That is a load of bull. We saw Triple H let the air out of John Cena's tires. DAMN HIM!!!
TV Show: Robot Chicken