Robot Chicken Quotes
[E.T.'s Mom is nitting waiting for E.T. to Phone him]
E.T.'s Mom: He said he would phone me but he has'nt phone he knows how I worry.
E.T.'s Mom: He said he would phone me but he has'nt phone he knows how I worry.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Penny: Who bookmarked dog on dog porn in my browser? [stares at Brain] As if I had to ask!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Hulk Hogan: [to Roddy Piper] Roddy, we need your stealth. Go take out the guard real quiet-like, and the rest of us will sneak pa--
Roddy Piper: Gotcha, Hogan! [walks up to guard] Hey, hey, hey, you (bleep)ing Nazi! How are ya? [takes out the guard with a headbutt, a piledriver, a suplex, and a clothesline]
Roddy Piper: Gotcha, Hogan! [walks up to guard] Hey, hey, hey, you (bleep)ing Nazi! How are ya? [takes out the guard with a headbutt, a piledriver, a suplex, and a clothesline]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Speed Racer: [not making any movement] It's important that I do not move because if I were to move that would add to the cost, so if I stay perfectly still that will be preferable to moving because animation costs money, uh-huh.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
George Bush: My name is George W. Bush and I approve this message.
[Cut to a picture of a taco]
George Bush: Tacos rule.
[Cut to a picture of a taco]
George Bush: Tacos rule.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Rachael Leigh Cook: [holds up an egg] This is your brain... [holds up a frying pan] and this is heroin. This is what happens to your brain on heroin. [sets down egg, and smashes it with the pan, holds up pan with egg dripping down] And this is what your body goes through, but it's not over yet. [smashes dishes] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO YOUR GRADES! TO YOUR FRIENDS! [smashes cat] TO ALL YOUR STUFF! [smashes TV screen] WHAT HAPPENS TO THE PROFITS OF YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S BAKE SALE! [smashes an old lady; runs outside] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO WORLD ECONOMY! [smashes trash can; kicks a nearby mail box before smashing it] AND YOUR BOYFRIEND GIVES YOU HERPES SIMPLEX A!! AND YOU END UP GETTING A STUPID TATTOO OF A UNICORN! [begins smashing a van a bunch of times setting off it's car alarm] ON YOUR LEFT ASS-CHEEK THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BITCHIN' FIREBIRD, BUT YOU WERE TOO STRUNG OUT TO NOTICE AT THE TIME! [runs away, and home runs a puppy; police surround her]
Police Man: We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed, all the cops jump Rachael]
Rachael Leigh Cook: [smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions? [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?! [smashes herself off the building]
Police Man: We just wanna help! [gets his face smashed, all the cops jump Rachael]
Rachael Leigh Cook: [smashes all the police men away] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO FAMILY VALUES! [on a building ledge] THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS TO THE POLLEN COUNT! [smashes the buildings wall] Any questions? [people look at her with confused expressions] ANY QUESTIONS?! [smashes herself off the building]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
(The Autobots arrive at a dam where the Decepticons are doing their usual dirty work.)
Prowl: This is the spot! The Decepticons are using the dam below to stockpile Energon cubes.
(Starscream and Thundercracker are piling up Energon cubes against the dam as Megatron watches on.)
Optimus Prime: Megatron must be stopped! Autobots, transform and roll-- Whoa, hold on a second. (runs off to the bathroom, leaving Prowl, Jazz, and Mirage just standing there, then returns at the sound of a toilet flushing)
Prowl: Are you okay?
Optimus Prime: Let's get 'em!
(The Autobots open fire on the Decepticons, making the Energon cubes explode. Then Prime, Jazz, and Prowl start kicking Starscream while he's down. Later, back at Autobot Headquarters, Prowl and Ironhide are both having a shower, while Grimlock whips Bumblebee with a rolled-up towel.)
Optimus Prime: Good job everyone! (tosses Bumblebee a towel) Megatron was defeated with only 50 humans killed in the crossfire. A new record!
Autobots: Hooray!
(Prime runs into the bathroom.)
Ironhide: Hey, Prowl, have you noticed how often Prime needs to drain the lizard nowadays?
Prowl: Yeah! He must be French, because he's-a-peein'! (laughs)
Ironhide: I think that joke goes "You're-a-peein'."
Prowl: (laughs) But... I'm not.
Ironhide: Ugh, such a Retardicon.
(The sound of passing water is heard from the bathroom.)
Optimus Prime: Uh-oh.
(Prime visits Dr. Ratchet at his medical clinic.)
Optimus Prime: I didn't think going to the bathroom so often was a problem. But just today, I saw blood in my urine!
Ratchet: Ewww! Well, I'd better have a look. (shoves his gloved fist up Prime's prostate)
Optimus Prime: Ow! Wh
Prowl: This is the spot! The Decepticons are using the dam below to stockpile Energon cubes.
(Starscream and Thundercracker are piling up Energon cubes against the dam as Megatron watches on.)
Optimus Prime: Megatron must be stopped! Autobots, transform and roll-- Whoa, hold on a second. (runs off to the bathroom, leaving Prowl, Jazz, and Mirage just standing there, then returns at the sound of a toilet flushing)
Prowl: Are you okay?
Optimus Prime: Let's get 'em!
(The Autobots open fire on the Decepticons, making the Energon cubes explode. Then Prime, Jazz, and Prowl start kicking Starscream while he's down. Later, back at Autobot Headquarters, Prowl and Ironhide are both having a shower, while Grimlock whips Bumblebee with a rolled-up towel.)
Optimus Prime: Good job everyone! (tosses Bumblebee a towel) Megatron was defeated with only 50 humans killed in the crossfire. A new record!
Autobots: Hooray!
(Prime runs into the bathroom.)
Ironhide: Hey, Prowl, have you noticed how often Prime needs to drain the lizard nowadays?
Prowl: Yeah! He must be French, because he's-a-peein'! (laughs)
Ironhide: I think that joke goes "You're-a-peein'."
Prowl: (laughs) But... I'm not.
Ironhide: Ugh, such a Retardicon.
(The sound of passing water is heard from the bathroom.)
Optimus Prime: Uh-oh.
(Prime visits Dr. Ratchet at his medical clinic.)
Optimus Prime: I didn't think going to the bathroom so often was a problem. But just today, I saw blood in my urine!
Ratchet: Ewww! Well, I'd better have a look. (shoves his gloved fist up Prime's prostate)
Optimus Prime: Ow! Wh
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Human Torch: (getting a prostate examination) It, uh, it burns when I pee.
Optimus Prime: (pops into the scene) What did I just tell you?!
Optimus Prime: (pops into the scene) What did I just tell you?!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Man 1: I'm so hungry.
Man 2: Hi, Mr. Hungry, may I call you so? (pause, Man 1 punches Man 2 behind the couch)
Man 2: Hi, Mr. Hungry, may I call you so? (pause, Man 1 punches Man 2 behind the couch)
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like some tasty bamboo, especially when you're Ling Ling, who's traveled all the way from China to visit... um... ah... I'm sorry, I just don't feel safe next to this animal.
Cameraman: It's completely harmless, Jerry.
Jerry Poppendaddi: Er, ah, are you sure? It's just that... ah... alright...
Cameraman: Still rolling.
Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like a nice piece of bamboo... ah... when... Crap!
Cameraman: Stop being such a wuss.
Jerry Poppendaddi: I-I-I... it's... fine. Fine!
Cameraman: Rolling.
Jerry Poppendaddi: There's...ah...nothing like a nice piece of bamboo, especially when-- [the panda leans over, bites Jerry's head off, and burps]
Bloopers Host: You just can't trust the Chinese. [audience laughs] There certainly weren't any Chinese in Hazzard County, but Bo and Luke had problems of their own!
Cameraman: It's completely harmless, Jerry.
Jerry Poppendaddi: Er, ah, are you sure? It's just that... ah... alright...
Cameraman: Still rolling.
Jerry Poppendaddi: There's nothing like a nice piece of bamboo... ah... when... Crap!
Cameraman: Stop being such a wuss.
Jerry Poppendaddi: I-I-I... it's... fine. Fine!
Cameraman: Rolling.
Jerry Poppendaddi: There's...ah...nothing like a nice piece of bamboo, especially when-- [the panda leans over, bites Jerry's head off, and burps]
Bloopers Host: You just can't trust the Chinese. [audience laughs] There certainly weren't any Chinese in Hazzard County, but Bo and Luke had problems of their own!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Bloopers Host: Here's some rare footage from that smash-hit cartoon, "Pokémon".
Pikachu: Pikachu! Pika pika. Pika pi!
Squirtle: Squirtle, Squirtle! Squirtle, Squirtle!
Pikachu: Pika pika, Pikachu! Pika, pika!
Squirtle: Squirtle, Squirtle! Squir-- What the f*** am I saying?! No, I mean it! This s*** makes no sense at all!
Pikachu: Say the line, Earl, or you'll get the gas.
Squirtle: For the love of Christ, kids, go read a book or something!
Pikachu: Pikachu! Pika pika. Pika pi!
Squirtle: Squirtle, Squirtle! Squirtle, Squirtle!
Pikachu: Pika pika, Pikachu! Pika, pika!
Squirtle: Squirtle, Squirtle! Squir-- What the f*** am I saying?! No, I mean it! This s*** makes no sense at all!
Pikachu: Say the line, Earl, or you'll get the gas.
Squirtle: For the love of Christ, kids, go read a book or something!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
News Anchor: And in other news tonight, Voltron got totally served!
Mouse: Daaamn!
Mouse: Daaamn!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Saucy McFoodlefist: Hey, Kool-Aid! [hits a baseball into the Kool-Aid man, cracking his pitcher and causing him to leak]
Kool-Aid Man: Oh, no!
Kool-Aid Man: Oh, no!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Pennywise the Clown: Everything floats down here. That is, if its mass per unit of volume is equal to or lighter than that of water.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Michael: Better use the turbo boost.
KITT: Michael, wait. I can only use my turbo boost once per episode.
Michael: Well, I'm using it.
[Michael pushes the turbo boost, and crashes into a bridge]
KITT: Michael, wait. I can only use my turbo boost once per episode.
Michael: Well, I'm using it.
[Michael pushes the turbo boost, and crashes into a bridge]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Robin: Gosh-golly-gee-willicker-zippity-jippity-doo, Batman! Those policemen are pretty rude!
Batman: Robin, law-enforcement officers are the backbone of our society. [the cops from CHiPs moon Batman and Robin] Motherfucks.
Batman: Robin, law-enforcement officers are the backbone of our society. [the cops from CHiPs moon Batman and Robin] Motherfucks.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Robin: I don't believe in cheating, Batman. I only believe in doing what's right.
Batman: If you don't want a bat-bitch slap, you'll launch the Batnet and take down those cops.
Robin: Oops...! [accidently launches a grappling hook that hit Ponch's face]
Ponch: Agghhh!!
Batman: Retract the line! Retract the line!
Robin: No, don't retract! Don't retract!
Ponch: Arrrgghh!!
Robin: Arrggghhh!! Get it off me!!!! Agghhh!![Ponch's head lands on Robin's lap causing panic in the Batmobile eventualy making Batman crash]
Batman: If you don't want a bat-bitch slap, you'll launch the Batnet and take down those cops.
Robin: Oops...! [accidently launches a grappling hook that hit Ponch's face]
Ponch: Agghhh!!
Batman: Retract the line! Retract the line!
Robin: No, don't retract! Don't retract!
Ponch: Arrrgghh!!
Robin: Arrggghhh!! Get it off me!!!! Agghhh!![Ponch's head lands on Robin's lap causing panic in the Batmobile eventualy making Batman crash]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Luigi: Mario, we're-a losing!
Mario: It's-a time to use-a the Blue Tortoise Shell, no?
Luigi: Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard.
Wario: The Blue Tortoise Shell is Mario Kart racer's ultimate weapon. It magically finds the lead car in the race, and takes it out. Wha-hah-hah-hah!
Mario: It's-a time to use-a the Blue Tortoise Shell, no?
Luigi: Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard.
Wario: The Blue Tortoise Shell is Mario Kart racer's ultimate weapon. It magically finds the lead car in the race, and takes it out. Wha-hah-hah-hah!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Merman: [laughing, talking to animals in boat] You guys are gonna drown, but we're a mermaid and a merman! We can swim! [Dragon bites mermaid's head off]
Dragon: I hope you can also asexually reproduce, asshole.
Merman: Crap.
Dragon: I hope you can also asexually reproduce, asshole.
Merman: Crap.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Narrator: The band's woes weren't limited to financial trouble.
Howard Stern: Come on, Tommy Lee's rich, he's good looking, it couldn't have been that bad.
Janice: Like, he gave me Hepatitis C. I only have five years to live!
Howard: You gonna show me those boobs?
Janice: F*** you, Howard! I'm dying!
Narrator: The band pinned their comeback on their Star Search Special, but no one could foresee the consequences for the band's most beloved member.
Ed McMahon: Oh-ho-ho, did you see that? The drummer looks like an epileptic ragdoll! Oh-ho-ho.
[Animal gets angry and kills Ed McMahon]
Narrator: After a long history of behavior problems the on-air attack of Ed McMahon was the last straw. The courts ruled that the band's drummer Animal be put down.
[Animal's still angry but calms down after being put down. Janice cries watching Animal being put down, being held by Floyd]
Howard Stern: Come on, Tommy Lee's rich, he's good looking, it couldn't have been that bad.
Janice: Like, he gave me Hepatitis C. I only have five years to live!
Howard: You gonna show me those boobs?
Janice: F*** you, Howard! I'm dying!
Narrator: The band pinned their comeback on their Star Search Special, but no one could foresee the consequences for the band's most beloved member.
Ed McMahon: Oh-ho-ho, did you see that? The drummer looks like an epileptic ragdoll! Oh-ho-ho.
[Animal gets angry and kills Ed McMahon]
Narrator: After a long history of behavior problems the on-air attack of Ed McMahon was the last straw. The courts ruled that the band's drummer Animal be put down.
[Animal's still angry but calms down after being put down. Janice cries watching Animal being put down, being held by Floyd]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Harrison Ford: I'd like to meet the team of engineers who'll accompany me on my mission to space.
NASA Guy Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.
Steven Tyler: I'm ready to rock! [vomits]
Harrison Ford: My God! Did you just get off the centerfuge trainer?!
Steven Tyler: No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs! Yeeahhoo!
[cut to a live action man]
Live Action Man: That's terrible! Steven Tyler has been clean for years! I'm going to write an angry letter. [changing to lispy voice] Dear assfaces...
Sean O'Keefe: [after the spaceshuttle crashes on the meteor] Fu*k!!!
George W. Bush: F**k!!!
Live Action Man: Now that sucks donkey dong.[the meteor destroys the Earth]
NASA Guy Actually, the remaining five spots on the flight will be filled by Aerosmith. We need a cool theme song for this mission.
Steven Tyler: I'm ready to rock! [vomits]
Harrison Ford: My God! Did you just get off the centerfuge trainer?!
Steven Tyler: No, I just shot smack into both my eyeballs! Yeeahhoo!
[cut to a live action man]
Live Action Man: That's terrible! Steven Tyler has been clean for years! I'm going to write an angry letter. [changing to lispy voice] Dear assfaces...
Sean O'Keefe: [after the spaceshuttle crashes on the meteor] Fu*k!!!
George W. Bush: F**k!!!
Live Action Man: Now that sucks donkey dong.[the meteor destroys the Earth]
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Police officer 1: Freeze!
Dad: Freeze?! When I drop a fairy?! You know I'm only getting started, motherf--
Police officer 1: Hey, sir, put down the weapon! Put down the weap--
[The dad starts shooting until the police arrest him]
Police officer 1: Stay down!
Police officer 2: On the ground!
Dad: Freeze?! When I drop a fairy?! You know I'm only getting started, motherf--
Police officer 1: Hey, sir, put down the weapon! Put down the weap--
[The dad starts shooting until the police arrest him]
Police officer 1: Stay down!
Police officer 2: On the ground!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
[After variations on the above scene, in which the Tooth Fairy is seen by a young boy, and both sit through overhearing his father murder his mother, culminating in a "suicide by cop" scenario, a marching band bursts into the room, and an announcer appears.]]
Congratulations! This is officially the darkest sketch in TV history!
[Crowd chanting] Darkest sketch! Darkest sketch!
Congratulations! This is officially the darkest sketch in TV history!
[Crowd chanting] Darkest sketch! Darkest sketch!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
[Presidential Report Blooper starts]
Reporter 1: This just in: CNN calls the state of Florida for Al Gore! That means Gore has won the Presidential Election. Thank you, Jesus!
Reporter 2: Sure dodged that bullet.
[Blooper ends]
Bloopers Host: Oops.
Reporter 1: This just in: CNN calls the state of Florida for Al Gore! That means Gore has won the Presidential Election. Thank you, Jesus!
Reporter 2: Sure dodged that bullet.
[Blooper ends]
Bloopers Host: Oops.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Beastman:
[CSI Bloopers start with an operator getting surprised, not realizing that he cut himself]
Operator: [laughing] Oh, you guys! That was-- That was really fun-- [realizing] Oh, Jesus, I- I f***ing cut myself! It's really bad, it's deep! F***! Ow!
[another Blooper starts, this time with an already-covered victim and investigators on the scene]
Investigator: This bullet casing shouldn't be here if the shooting took place 10 meters west.
[the victim farts, and the investigators laugh]
Victim: Sorry, that was me. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. [another fart] Sorry about that.
[CSI Bloopers start with an operator getting surprised, not realizing that he cut himself]
Operator: [laughing] Oh, you guys! That was-- That was really fun-- [realizing] Oh, Jesus, I- I f***ing cut myself! It's really bad, it's deep! F***! Ow!
[another Blooper starts, this time with an already-covered victim and investigators on the scene]
Investigator: This bullet casing shouldn't be here if the shooting took place 10 meters west.
[the victim farts, and the investigators laugh]
Victim: Sorry, that was me. Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry. [another fart] Sorry about that.
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Man on Phone: Hey, a bunch of us are going to the bar later and...
Man watching TiVo: Well why don't you take your bar and shove it up your ass, I'm watching TiVo!!
Man watching TiVo: Well why don't you take your bar and shove it up your ass, I'm watching TiVo!!
TV Show: Robot Chicken
Destro: Everyone just sort of lost interest. I think as you get older, ruling the world just seems like too much trouble.
She-Ra: Am I done yet?
Moore: You'll know, She-Ra, you'll know.
She-Ra: Am I done yet?
Moore: You'll know, She-Ra, you'll know.
TV Show: Robot Chicken