Roseanne Quotes
Becky: [Roseanne wants to know if Becky has a date with Mark, her boyfriend that Roseanne hates] No, we're fighting.
Roseanne: What about?
Becky: Well, he's a pig! Our whole world revolves around him. I swear Mother, I'm so sick of it. I'm thinking of telling him to 'bug off'.
Roseanne: Don't toy with me, Becky.
Roseanne: What about?
Becky: Well, he's a pig! Our whole world revolves around him. I swear Mother, I'm so sick of it. I'm thinking of telling him to 'bug off'.
Roseanne: Don't toy with me, Becky.
TV Show: Roseanne
Cindy Kenner: [interview with Roseanne] Hi. Is beef back?
Roseanne: Well, I just want to say that the only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.
Cindy Kenner: Okay! But, um, doesn't a fatty diet, I mean, won't it make you fat?
Roseanne: So... A lot of people are fat, you know. In fact, I think more American women look like me than you, you know. Yeah, but when you watch TV, there's like no fat people on there or anything, like, when I watch that show "Friends", you know, that has all those whiny girls that are nothing but hair and bones, you know, and like, I watch them and they're like drinking those triple expressos and stuff and I'm just like "Hey! Go for the muffins!"
Roseanne: [Cindy tries to pull the microphone away from Roseanne] It kinda bugs me, you know, because uh, you know, I feel like, hey, I - I eat the same amount of food that they eat, I just don't puke when I'm done.
Roseanne: Well, I just want to say that the only thing I don't like about fat is that it doesn't have any sugar in it.
Cindy Kenner: Okay! But, um, doesn't a fatty diet, I mean, won't it make you fat?
Roseanne: So... A lot of people are fat, you know. In fact, I think more American women look like me than you, you know. Yeah, but when you watch TV, there's like no fat people on there or anything, like, when I watch that show "Friends", you know, that has all those whiny girls that are nothing but hair and bones, you know, and like, I watch them and they're like drinking those triple expressos and stuff and I'm just like "Hey! Go for the muffins!"
Roseanne: [Cindy tries to pull the microphone away from Roseanne] It kinda bugs me, you know, because uh, you know, I feel like, hey, I - I eat the same amount of food that they eat, I just don't puke when I'm done.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [during their worst fight of the series] why don't you tell me how to clean up this crap that you call decoration? [the throws the contents of the mantel to the floor]
Roseanne: Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up using your ass, and start with the pointy things!
Dan: You are a controlling bitch! [he flips the coffee table over]
Roseanne: No, I'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and stop staring at that damn TV! [she smashes a toy through the TV]
Dan: Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - -
Roseanne: What? Say it.
Dan: Nothin'
Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [she storms out]
Roseanne: Okay, I will. I want you to pick them all up using your ass, and start with the pointy things!
Dan: You are a controlling bitch! [he flips the coffee table over]
Roseanne: No, I'm not, Dan. I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and stop staring at that damn TV! [she smashes a toy through the TV]
Dan: Boy I'll tell you, I wish I had never m - -
Roseanne: What? Say it.
Dan: Nothin'
Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan but you're gonna have to do it alone because I'm not gonna sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's. [she storms out]
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Please, Jackie. I was gonna run away, but I don't need Rozilla leveling Chicago trying to find me.
TV Show: Roseanne
Ronnie: Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.
Roseanne: [pause] Good one.
Roseanne: [pause] Good one.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [their father has just died] That's it! I'm not making any more calls, you do the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] I can't... Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news... Dad is not with us anymore... I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... No! *Dead!*... *Dead!*... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye!
Jackie: [hangs up] I am *not* doing that again, you can't *make* me!
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie... dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] I can't... Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie... Jack-key! I'm fine... Fine!... I'm fine!... I have some bad news... Dad is not with us anymore... I said Dad has passed away... He's passed away!... Dad is gone!... Dad's dead!... He's dead!... No! *Dead!*... *Dead!*... He's fine! He sends his love! Bye!
Jackie: [hangs up] I am *not* doing that again, you can't *make* me!
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: I figured a paper route was an easy way to make money.
Dan: Ha, Darlene, there's no easy way to make money. If there was, your mother would have found it by now.
Dan: Ha, Darlene, there's no easy way to make money. If there was, your mother would have found it by now.
TV Show: Roseanne
DJ: Mom, Darlene's still on the phone.
Roseanne: Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!
Dan: Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]
Roseanne: Hey, don't come in here ratting on people now. Dan, he's ratting on people!
Dan: Cheese eater. [makes squeaking noises]
TV Show: Roseanne
[Becky catches Darlene smoking]
Becky: What do you think you're doing?
Darlene: What does it look like, Einstein?
Becky: You're gonna die, you know that?
Darlene: From one cigarette?
Becky: Yeah: Mom and Dad are going to kill you.
Becky: What do you think you're doing?
Darlene: What does it look like, Einstein?
Becky: You're gonna die, you know that?
Darlene: From one cigarette?
Becky: Yeah: Mom and Dad are going to kill you.
TV Show: Roseanne
[Darlene is playng with trick handcuffs]
Roseanne: You know, Darlene, I have the feeling that you're going to have an even nicer pair of those someday.
Roseanne: You know, Darlene, I have the feeling that you're going to have an even nicer pair of those someday.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Get your popcorn, get your peanuts, get over here and help me with these damn bags!
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: This is great, now I gotta eat this stupid fish and wear this stupid dress.
Roseanne: And you're gonna do the stupid dishes.
Roseanne: And you're gonna do the stupid dishes.
TV Show: Roseanne
[Roseanne and Dan are contacting their insurance at the hospital while Darlene is having an appendectomy]
Roseanne: Conner. C as in 'cat,' O as in 'oaf,' N as in 'numbskull,' N as in 'nitwit'...E as in...'empty-headed,' R as in 'target!'
Roseanne: Conner. C as in 'cat,' O as in 'oaf,' N as in 'numbskull,' N as in 'nitwit'...E as in...'empty-headed,' R as in 'target!'
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: I suppose you're going to point the finger at me.
Roseanne: Yeah, and you know which one.
Roseanne: Yeah, and you know which one.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: [yelling at Darlene] How come I found my new sweater in the bottom of your grungy closet?
Roseanne: Because everything in the free world is in the bottom of the grungy closet. So what else is new?
Roseanne: Because everything in the free world is in the bottom of the grungy closet. So what else is new?
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: [frustrated at the washing machine] I HATE this house! Nothing ever works!
Roseanne: [cooking] Except me.
Roseanne: [cooking] Except me.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: [about Darlene] Can't we have her put to sleep?
Roseanne: Well, we tried, but the vet backed out.
Roseanne: Well, we tried, but the vet backed out.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Fork over the bread, Fred.
Dan: Don't hurry back, Jack.
Jackie: Thanks for the cash...stupid.
Dan: Don't hurry back, Jack.
Jackie: Thanks for the cash...stupid.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: What's the worst that could happen? A tornado picks up our house and slams it down in a better neighborhood.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [scolding Darlene for playing a prank during the tornado] That is not funny! You're grounded till menopause!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!
Darlene: Yours or mine?
Roseanne: Your father's!
TV Show: Roseanne
Booker: [trying to explain to Jackie why he is so late for their date] I was on the phone with my mother. [Jackie makes a face, Dan snickers] I was!
Roseanne: Geez, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.
Roseanne: Geez, Booker, you ought to take a shovel around with you when you travel.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: What's this in my pocket? It could be? It might be? It is ... holy cow, it's a honeymoon! [hands Roseanne a brochure] Why yes, it's paradise.
Jackie: Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.
Roseanne: Yeah, paradise lost.
Jackie: Oh, another guy who thinks he's got paradise in his jeans.
Roseanne: Yeah, paradise lost.
TV Show: Roseanne
[after the kids leave for school]
Roseanne: [to Dan] They're gone. Quick, change the locks!
Roseanne: [to Dan] They're gone. Quick, change the locks!
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Are you ever sorry we got married?
Roseanne: Every second of my life.
Dan: Me, too.
Roseanne: You are, really?
Dan: [thinks] Nah.
Roseanne: OK, me neither, then.
Roseanne: Every second of my life.
Dan: Me, too.
Roseanne: You are, really?
Dan: [thinks] Nah.
Roseanne: OK, me neither, then.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: You want me to fix dinner? I'll fix dinner! I'm fixing dinner!
Roseanne: Oh but honey you've just fixed dinner three years ago!
Roseanne: Oh but honey you've just fixed dinner three years ago!
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: (About a drywall job) Be a lot of money if I get it.
Roseanne: You're not gonna get it.
Dan: There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.
Roseanne: And they're all better than you, I bet.
Dan: Hey, I'm pretty good.
Roseanne: You're not either.
Dan: I'm the best!
Roseanne: You're the worst!
Dan: I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Roseanne: You're not gonna get it.
Dan: There'll be a lot of guys puttin' bids in.
Roseanne: And they're all better than you, I bet.
Dan: Hey, I'm pretty good.
Roseanne: You're not either.
Dan: I'm the best!
Roseanne: You're the worst!
Dan: I am drywall master of the universe! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: (to Darlene) What did I tell you about killing your brother in the living room?
TV Show: Roseanne