Roseanne Quotes
Dan: I don't know where D.J. got this, but you can be sure we don't allow things like this in our house. This is not the way we raise our children. [to D.J.] Where did you get this?
D.J.: Darlene made it.
D.J.: Darlene made it.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Well, Dan, my day dealing with the family was a big ice cream cone in the dirt, how was yours?
Dan: Well, honey, I hate to top you, but I got a 2-for-1. That obscene reading material D.J. brought to school? Darlene's the editor-in-chief. Take a look at this, it's really sick.
(Roseanne looks at the comic book and laughs, to which Dan is shocked)
Roseanne: There was a funny part
Dan: Well, honey, I hate to top you, but I got a 2-for-1. That obscene reading material D.J. brought to school? Darlene's the editor-in-chief. Take a look at this, it's really sick.
(Roseanne looks at the comic book and laughs, to which Dan is shocked)
Roseanne: There was a funny part
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: What happened to Aunt Jackie?
Roseanne: Some say environment, but I think she was born that way.
Darlene: No, I mean was she, like, in an accident or something?
Roseanne: No, why?
Darlene: Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.
Roseanne: She didn't tell me nothing about it.
Roseanne: Some say environment, but I think she was born that way.
Darlene: No, I mean was she, like, in an accident or something?
Roseanne: No, why?
Darlene: Well I saw her upstairs and her back's all bruised up.
Roseanne: She didn't tell me nothing about it.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You come over here, your back's all bruised up, you won't tell me nothing about it, how do I know that you didn't get raped or mugged or something? Does Fisher know about this?
Jackie: W...why can't you just drop it?
Roseanne: (realizes that it was Fisher) That son of a bitch!
Jackie: W...why can't you just drop it?
Roseanne: (realizes that it was Fisher) That son of a bitch!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: (seeing Dan wrapping an ice pack around his hand) Oh, my God, you didn't kill him (Fisher), and then go buy chicken, did you?
Dan: No, I bought the chicken first.
Roseanne: I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?
Dan: Well, it started out that way.
Roseanne: What'd he say?
Dan: Well, if I remember correctly; "Ouch. Ouch. My head." Something along those lines.
Dan: No, I bought the chicken first.
Roseanne: I thought you were just gonna go over there and scare him?
Dan: Well, it started out that way.
Roseanne: What'd he say?
Dan: Well, if I remember correctly; "Ouch. Ouch. My head." Something along those lines.
TV Show: Roseanne
D.J.: Mom! Mom, you have to sign my math test.
Roseanne: Oh...not now, D.J.
D.J.: The teacher said I have to have it by tomorrow!
Roseanne: God, hasn't Darlene taught you how to forge my signature yet?
D.J.: I got a D.
Roseanne: It's okay, Deej, I'm sure you tried your best.
D.J.: Geez, it was only one time, give a break!
Roseanne: You go over to the Tildons' and when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you.
D.J.: OK!
Roseanne: Oh...not now, D.J.
D.J.: The teacher said I have to have it by tomorrow!
Roseanne: God, hasn't Darlene taught you how to forge my signature yet?
D.J.: I got a D.
Roseanne: It's okay, Deej, I'm sure you tried your best.
D.J.: Geez, it was only one time, give a break!
Roseanne: You go over to the Tildons' and when I get back, if you want, I'll yell at you.
D.J.: OK!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Now I need you to do me a favor.
Darlene: OK.
Roseanne: OK, we need milk. And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?
Darlene: OK.
Roseanne: OK, we need milk. And on your way, could you swing by the jail and bail out your dad?
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Well, well, well!
Dan: [groaning] Aww, man!
Darlene: My, my, my, my, my!
Dan: What are you doing here?
Darlene: You know, I'll bet that when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.
Dan: Come on Darlene, I don't have time for this...
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.
Dan: [groaning] Aww, man!
Darlene: My, my, my, my, my!
Dan: What are you doing here?
Darlene: You know, I'll bet that when you imagined us in this situation, you always pictured yourself on the other side of those bars.
Dan: Come on Darlene, I don't have time for this...
Darlene: Oh, I think you do.
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: I guess I should prepare you for all the things that have changed since you've been in the big house. Mom says we have a new daddy now.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Well, people've been saying it for years, but now with Dan going to jail and everything, we are officially poor white trash!
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: It's just really humiliating, though, you know, because Roseanne's always handling my problems, and now you are.
Dan: It's a big job. We had to expand the department.
Dan: It's a big job. We had to expand the department.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You ever come near her again, and this time I'll handle you and believe me, I'm way more dangerous than Dan. I have a loose-meat restaurant. I know what to do with the body.
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Doesn't it bother you that you make a living by exploiting animals?
Roseanne: You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people; all that's left for us IS animals!
Roseanne: You just don't get it, do you? We are too low on the food chain to exploit people; all that's left for us IS animals!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: OK, that's it. I can't do it anymore, you call the rest of the family list.
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie...dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then, wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] Hello, Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie...Jack-key! Yes. I'm fine...Fine!...I'm fine!...I got some bad news...Dad isn't with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away...He's passed away!...Dad is gone...Dad's dead!...He's dead!...No...DEAD!...DEAD! DEAD!... He's fine! He sends his love! [hangs up] I am not doing that again! You can't make me!
Jackie: I can't call people, Roseanne!
Roseanne: Jackie...dial!
Jackie: I'm supposed to be in mourning.
Roseanne: Well then, wear a veil over your face while you do it!
Jackie: [dials the phone] Hello, Auntie Barbara? It's Jackie...Jack-key! Yes. I'm fine...Fine!...I'm fine!...I got some bad news...Dad isn't with us anymore. I said Dad has passed away...He's passed away!...Dad is gone...Dad's dead!...He's dead!...No...DEAD!...DEAD! DEAD!... He's fine! He sends his love! [hangs up] I am not doing that again! You can't make me!
TV Show: Roseanne
Bev: [confronting her late husband's mistress, Joan, in the funeral home] I've waited a long time for this moment, and you will not rob me of it.
Joan: All right, go ahead.
Bev: I think you should be shot. I long for the days when we could brand someone like you with a scarlet letter, leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast, and if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease, I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee!
Joan: All right, go ahead.
Bev: I think you should be shot. I long for the days when we could brand someone like you with a scarlet letter, leaving you a lonely, miserable outcast, and if you ever contract an incurable and very painful disease, I will not be able to stop myself from dancing a jig of glee!
TV Show: Roseanne
Ronnie: Ooohhh, we all know what this is about, don't we? You're just jealous because I've made something of myself.
Roseanne: Yeah, an ass. [Pause] And where did you get that hoity-toity accent from, anyway? You're from Illinois!
Roseanne: Yeah, an ass. [Pause] And where did you get that hoity-toity accent from, anyway? You're from Illinois!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: I can't believe that I wasted 25 years hating you for something as stupid as a wedding, when there's a real good reason to hate you: You're a bitch!
Ronnie: I'm a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches. Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.
Ronnie: I'm a bitch? Hah. I bow to the queen of all bitches. Do you want to know why I didn't want you to be a bridesmaid at my wedding? Because there wasn't enough tangerine chiffon in the whole state of Illinois to make your dress.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Hey, I don't mean to interfere here, but the kids just took a shot at staying together. It's not the worst thing in the world.
Mrs. Healy: Oh, you don't think so?
Roseanne: No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today!
Mrs. Healy: Look, I don't need you butting in, telling me how to raise my kids. Look at the two little whores you raised!
Roseanne: ...Oh, I'm in this now. You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones!
Mrs. Healy: Oh, you don't think so?
Roseanne: No, it's not even the worst thing Darlene's done today!
Mrs. Healy: Look, I don't need you butting in, telling me how to raise my kids. Look at the two little whores you raised!
Roseanne: ...Oh, I'm in this now. You know, if your kid wasn't here, I would take the opportunity to remind you that people who live in glass whorehouses shouldn't throw stones!
TV Show: Roseanne
David: I'm not going anywhere, I promise.
Mrs. Healy: I'd like to see you try and run away from me. You think you can live without me? You think you can survive for two minutes in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! You are a worthless little bastard!!!
Roseanne: OK, I'm changing my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.
Mrs. Healy: Are you trying to steal my kid?!
Roseanne: It's nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, he is not gonna stay here with you.
Mrs. Healy: I'd like to see you try and run away from me. You think you can live without me? You think you can survive for two minutes in that world unless I was taking care of you? You are worthless! You are a worthless little bastard!!!
Roseanne: OK, I'm changing my mind. David, you can come live with us if you want to.
Mrs. Healy: Are you trying to steal my kid?!
Roseanne: It's nothing to do with stealing anything. Whether he runs away or comes and lives at my place, he is not gonna stay here with you.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Dan, I went and had another kid.
Dan: Is David out there?
Roseanne: You mean Dan Jr.?
Dan: Is David out there?
Roseanne: You mean Dan Jr.?
TV Show: Roseanne
[David just moved into the house and cast the tie-breaking vote for hamburger over pizza]
Dan: I feel it, men! The hormonal blance in the house has shifted. And men are victorious! Come men, let us retire to the living room where we will watch The Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.
Roseanne and Darlene: [after Dan, D.J. and David leave] Pizza.
Dan: I feel it, men! The hormonal blance in the house has shifted. And men are victorious! Come men, let us retire to the living room where we will watch The Three Stooges and we shall scratch ourselves.
Roseanne and Darlene: [after Dan, D.J. and David leave] Pizza.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: I'm gonna go out tonight and do exactly what I did the night before our wedding twenty years ago--I'll be with my friends getting drunk.
Roseanne: You weren't with your friends, you were with your mom.
Dan: My mom can drink my friends under the table any day!
Roseanne: You weren't with your friends, you were with your mom.
Dan: My mom can drink my friends under the table any day!
TV Show: Roseanne
Molly: I can get the homework assignment from Darlene later.
Roseanne: Dan, did you hear that? Darlene went to school today.
Roseanne: Dan, did you hear that? Darlene went to school today.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Aw man, we're screwed.
Roseanne: No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.
Roseanne: No, Dan. We are so far beyond screwed that the light from screwed will take 1 billion years to reach the earth.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: No, well, I'm thinkin' about that bridge we could of bought over there in New York City.
Dan: Aw, she was a dandy big bridge, alright.
Roseanne: You know Dan, if we move fast, we can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford, we can own our very own damn pyramid.
Dan: You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa? Hot diggity-dog!
Dan: Aw, she was a dandy big bridge, alright.
Roseanne: You know Dan, if we move fast, we can get right in on that pyramid scheme sweeping Lanford, we can own our very own damn pyramid.
Dan: You mean like the ones up to Egypt, Africa? Hot diggity-dog!
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Is it OK if David takes me to school?
Dan: Did you ask your mother?
Darlene: Yeah.
Roseanne: I'm OK with it, how about you, Dan?
Dan: Sure, what the hell.
Darlene: Thanks, Dad.
Roseanne: Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.
Dan: I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.
Roseanne: God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined dessert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]
Dan: ...I didn't think I'd take it that hard.
Dan: Did you ask your mother?
Darlene: Yeah.
Roseanne: I'm OK with it, how about you, Dan?
Dan: Sure, what the hell.
Darlene: Thanks, Dad.
Roseanne: Are you sure? I mean you had like the whole day planned.
Dan: I'll just get drunk and watch the football game. I'm flexible.
Roseanne: God, I hate when you do this, Dan. Your daughter comes in here and walks all over your feelings and you act like it doesen't hurt you at all. Everyone can see how upset you are and here you are, hiding all your feelings in the stupid cake. Now you've ruined dessert! [throws away cake Dan was eating]
Dan: ...I didn't think I'd take it that hard.
TV Show: Roseanne
DJ: uh-huh....uh-huh...uh-huh. (hangs up)
Roseanne: Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.
Roseanne: Oh, isn't that sweet. My son just closed his first drug deal.
TV Show: Roseanne