Roseanne Quotes
Darlene: Yes, this is Mrs. Conner. No, he hasn't been able to make it, he's been very sick.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Don't mess with the master, Darlene. You guys are in so much trouble, I am going to make you wish I was never born. Oh, and by the way, I know you and David made up, too.
Darlene: How'd you find out?
Roseanne: You just told me.
Darlene: How'd you find out?
Roseanne: You just told me.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: D.J., come on! I'm walking you to school today.
D.J.: (sees Roseanne in her robe): Oh no, you're not going in that, are you?
Roseanne: Oh no D.J., I wouldn't do that to you. But I would do...(take off her robe to reveal trashy hillbilly clothes)this! And look, I found your old Sesame Street lunchbox so you won't have to be embarrassed with those big brown bags anymore. Oh, my, just a minute, wait one minute here, this...(takes out lipstick and coats her mouth with it) is for when I kiss you goodbye. Okay, come on, we've got to hurry, 'cause I've got to make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister. I want to get there in time for one of her big classes. I want to dance for them!
D.J.: (sees Roseanne in her robe): Oh no, you're not going in that, are you?
Roseanne: Oh no D.J., I wouldn't do that to you. But I would do...(take off her robe to reveal trashy hillbilly clothes)this! And look, I found your old Sesame Street lunchbox so you won't have to be embarrassed with those big brown bags anymore. Oh, my, just a minute, wait one minute here, this...(takes out lipstick and coats her mouth with it) is for when I kiss you goodbye. Okay, come on, we've got to hurry, 'cause I've got to make it up to Chicago to surprise your sister. I want to get there in time for one of her big classes. I want to dance for them!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: (pulls back shower curtain) Oh hi, Jackie! We thought you...you went home.
Jackie: Why me? I got nothing. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family, it's just me. It's just me and my ganja.
Jackie: Why me? I got nothing. No boyfriend, no meaningful job, no husband, no family, it's just me. It's just me and my ganja.
TV Show: Roseanne
DJ: (knocks on bathroom door) Mom?
Jackie: The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)
Dan: DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...
Roseanne: Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?
Darlene: I don't smoke pot, it dulls my hatred.
Jackie: The jig is up! (pulls back shower curtain)
Dan: DJ. Deejay. Deeejay. DJ...DJ....did you ever notice how weird that sounds? DJ...
Roseanne: Shhh! Dan, maintain. WHAT DO YOU WANT DJ?
Darlene: I don't smoke pot, it dulls my hatred.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Hold on, Roseanne, I have something to tell my mother. I'm pregnant. I went out with a guy I hardly know, we had sex for hours, and I'm pregnant. And I'm not going to marry him! I'm keeping the baby, and if it's a girl I'm naming it Gidget.
Bev: And what if it's a boy? How 'bout that drummer you were so crazy about...Bongo?
Bev: And what if it's a boy? How 'bout that drummer you were so crazy about...Bongo?
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Trust me, he goes in that room 'cause it's the only one with a lock on it, and he's in there for like an hour at a time. Which means he's either really, really good at it or really really bad at it!
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, y'know, 'cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Darlene: Well, don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?
Roseanne: Well I don't want you to give him any grief about this, y'know, 'cause you could traumatize him and turn him into a serial killer!
Darlene: Well, don't worry, how much damage could he do with only one free hand?
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: OK, new subject. Um, Dan, how was your day at work?
Dan: Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!
Dan: Well, today was a special one for me. It was the 179th day in a row where I did exactly the same thing!
TV Show: Roseanne
Phyllis Zimmer: Did Roseanne ever find out about us?
Dan: Yes. [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.
Dan: Yes. [points to his teeth] False, false, crown, bridge.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: I cannot believe they replaced that Darrin.
Jackie: It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.
Becky: (Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.
Jackie: It was a hit show. They knew they could get away with anything.
Becky: (Sarah Chalke) I like the second Darrin much better.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Glad you could make it, Fred.
Fred: Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.
Jackie: [to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.
Fred: We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.
Dan: You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.
Jackie: [to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.
Roseanne: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.
Fred: Well, with sixteen cousins, my family could use the extra room at the kids' table.
Jackie: [to Roseanne] Sixteen cousins, I didn't know Fred had sixteen cousins.
Fred: We're a fertile people, Jackie. Guess I don't need to tell you that.
Dan: You know, Fred, us being here is making it very hard for them to talk about us behind our back. To the living room, for football.
Jackie: [to Roseanne, as Fred and Dan leave] No family for Thanksgiving, huh? Stop trying to shove us together.
Roseanne: Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think the two of you have already been shoved together.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You were pregnant with me before you married Dad?!
Nana Mary: Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.
Bev: You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!
Roseanne: I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!
Fred: You okay, Jackie?
Jackie: Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.
Dan: Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape.
Nana Mary: Damn right she was. Well, we always lied about the day she got married. She got married June 1952, and you were born in November 1952. Do a little math.
Bev: You are not senile, you're just mean. You promised me that you would never tell them! [Leaves in hysterics through the kitchen] No one in this whole family cares about me! My children don't love me! You don't love me! I'm all alone! Alone!!!
Roseanne: I'm going after her, Dan. Release the dogs!
Fred: You okay, Jackie?
Jackie: Outta my way, Fred. I'm not missin' this.
Dan: Yeah, Fred, we're quite a family. Now that you've gotten one of us pregnant, it's too late to escape.
TV Show: Roseanne
DJ: (on phone) Mark hit Dad, and then Dad hit Mark really hard. Man, Darlene, you picked the wrong year to miss Thanksgiving.
TV Show: Roseanne
Bev: Roseanne, your Christmas decorations outside were appalling. The Wise Men are supposed to be adoring the baby Jesus, not leering at Mrs. Claus.
Roseanne: Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.
Bev: And what on earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?
Dan: Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn on our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?
[Dan, D.J., and Bev go outside. Roseanne hangs the "beer can" wreath on the door, turns the lights off inside, and joins them. The lights are turned on as a very bright light pours into the house.]
Bev: What is Santa Claus doing?
Roseanne: Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.
[Dogs barking "Jingle Bells" plays.]
Roseanne: Of course they're leering at her. She's wearing one of those Bunz outfits.
Bev: And what on earth are those shepherds doing to the flock?
Dan: Grazing them. Well, it's time to turn on our simple white lights. [He puts on sunglasses and opens the door] Mother Harris, won't you join us?
[Dan, D.J., and Bev go outside. Roseanne hangs the "beer can" wreath on the door, turns the lights off inside, and joins them. The lights are turned on as a very bright light pours into the house.]
Bev: What is Santa Claus doing?
Roseanne: Well, he's just telling the whole neighborhood that Christmas is number one. Hit the music, Dan.
[Dogs barking "Jingle Bells" plays.]
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Oh we've just gotta have that kid over more often. He makes our other kids look less odd!
Roseanne: I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to Elijah Minnelli.
Roseanne: I think every kid on earth looks less odd next to Elijah Minnelli.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roy: So you want something to drink?
Roseanne: Yeah thanks, I think a tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot.
Roseanne: Yeah thanks, I think a tumbler of penicillin would really hit the spot.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Hi, David. I found this pen. Does it belong to you?
David: (scared) Um...no.
Roseanne: Oh, OK then. Oh wait, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!
David: (scared) Um...no.
Roseanne: Oh, OK then. Oh wait, I forgot to shred the crap outta you two!
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [to Fred] Damn women! Who do they think they are anyway?
Roseanne: We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me!
Roseanne: We're sugar and spice and everything nice. So bite me!
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: You're dropping it so I'll think you're a really great guy and agree to go out with you again. When are you gonna accept the fact that I don't want anything to do with you?
Fred: When are you gonna accept the fact that I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just wanna see my kid once in a while.
Jackie: Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time. And who do you see when you see the baby? Me, and you end up attached to my life. It's so obvious!
Roseanne: Okay, so let me get this straight here. When Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you, too, right? So everything on Earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.
Jackie: Yes.
Roseanne: Well, you better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.
Fred: When are you gonna accept the fact that I accepted that fact a long time ago? I just wanna see my kid once in a while.
Jackie: Yeah, well, once in a while turns into all the time. And who do you see when you see the baby? Me, and you end up attached to my life. It's so obvious!
Roseanne: Okay, so let me get this straight here. When Fred was suing you, that's because he wants to be with you, right? Then when he drops the lawsuit, that's because he wants to be with you, too, right? So everything on Earth that Fred ever does is because he wants to be with you.
Jackie: Yes.
Roseanne: Well, you better hope that kid's head ain't as big as yours.
TV Show: Roseanne
D.J.: Did your water break when you had me?
Roseanne: By the time I had you, everything was broken.
Roseanne: By the time I had you, everything was broken.
TV Show: Roseanne
Fred: All right, how many people did you date before you met me?
Jackie: Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?
Fred: I mean seriously.
Jackie: Oh, I'd say only a few.
Fred: Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...
Jackie: Oh, well slept with! [chuckles] That's not what you asked me.
Fred: Well I guess not.
Jackie: Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.
Fred: Since you were what? Eighteen?
Jackie: [thinks] Okay, we'll go with that. [Fred looks discouraged] Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.
Fred: Wow... I don't even know 60 people...
Jackie: Well... I didn't know all of them.
Jackie: Well, do you mean dated at all or dated seriously?
Fred: I mean seriously.
Jackie: Oh, I'd say only a few.
Fred: Good... not that I mind if you've slept with lots of guys...
Jackie: Oh, well slept with! [chuckles] That's not what you asked me.
Fred: Well I guess not.
Jackie: Fred, it's not that many. I'd say three a year.
Fred: Since you were what? Eighteen?
Jackie: [thinks] Okay, we'll go with that. [Fred looks discouraged] Come on Fred, it's not THAT many! Let's see, three a year for 20 years is... 60... wow.
Fred: Wow... I don't even know 60 people...
Jackie: Well... I didn't know all of them.
TV Show: Roseanne
D.J.: I just had some questions about God and stuff.
Roseanne: Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.
D.J.: OK...What religion are we?
Roseanne: I have no idea...Dan?
Dan: Well... my family was Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.
D.J.: So what do we believe?
Roseanne: Well...we believe in...being good. So basically, we're good people.
Dan: Yeah, but we're not practicing.
Roseanne: Well why didn't you come to us if you had questions? There are no two better people to answer your questions than me and your dad.
D.J.: OK...What religion are we?
Roseanne: I have no idea...Dan?
Dan: Well... my family was Pentecostal on my mom's side, Baptist on my dad's. Your mom's mom was Lutheran and her dad was Jewish.
D.J.: So what do we believe?
Roseanne: Well...we believe in...being good. So basically, we're good people.
Dan: Yeah, but we're not practicing.
TV Show: Roseanne
Fred: Bev, do yourself a favor. Don't get into this.
Bev: Fred, I have every right to get involved in this. Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.
Fred: If I ever become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now—the next time you break your pelvis having sex, you're not gonna stay at our house.
Dan: [as Bev gets away in horrific humiliation] If I understand this correctly, unless you had sex in the shower, none of this is my fault!
Fred: I guess I wasn't supposed to say that.
Dan: I...plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity, but first, a raucous laugh.
Bev: Fred, I have every right to get involved in this. Unlike you, I am actually a member of this family.
Fred: If I ever become a member of this family, I can tell you one thing right now—the next time you break your pelvis having sex, you're not gonna stay at our house.
Dan: [as Bev gets away in horrific humiliation] If I understand this correctly, unless you had sex in the shower, none of this is my fault!
Fred: I guess I wasn't supposed to say that.
Dan: I...plan to treat Bev with the utmost sensitivity, but first, a raucous laugh.
TV Show: Roseanne
Mark: God, everyone's so afraid of getting sick, nobody'll even come near me. I feel like a leopard.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Dan doesn't let anybody live here unless they're sleeping with one of his daughters.
TV Show: Roseanne
David: Y'know, if you sleep with him and you don't like it, I'll take you back.
Darlene: David, PLEASE don't say anything else nice to me. Y'know, this is hard for me, too.
David: Fine...I can't believe I wasted three years of my life with you, you coldhearted bitch! Did that make it easier? (slams door)
Darlene: David, PLEASE don't say anything else nice to me. Y'know, this is hard for me, too.
David: Fine...I can't believe I wasted three years of my life with you, you coldhearted bitch! Did that make it easier? (slams door)
TV Show: Roseanne