Roseanne Quotes
Roseanne: You know there are a lot of other ways to annoy me and your father. Look at Becky, she didn't do drugs, she married Mark.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Dan, if you're still gay, I'd like a mimosa and some eggs florentine for breakfast.
Dan: I don't have to do what you tell me. I'm Fred's bitch now.
Dan: I don't have to do what you tell me. I'm Fred's bitch now.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: You heard that guy! If Mom goes bald, we could go bald too...this is definitely Mom's hair, look at this.
(Jackie puts on the wig and puts her hands up in front of her body)
Jackie: (in Bev's voice) "Oh Roseanne! Roseanne, a woman your size should not wear horizontal stripes, you should wear black! Or stay at home! And I don't mean to alarm you but I think your D.J. might be retarded!"
(Jackie puts on the wig and puts her hands up in front of her body)
Jackie: (in Bev's voice) "Oh Roseanne! Roseanne, a woman your size should not wear horizontal stripes, you should wear black! Or stay at home! And I don't mean to alarm you but I think your D.J. might be retarded!"
TV Show: Roseanne
[on their new neighbors]
Jackie: My God, Roseanne, you want a cheap thrill, go rent a porno movie. At least those people want to be watched.
Roseanne: Yeah, but those people ain't, like, 112 years old!
Fred: That's no excuse. If anything, it makes it more wrong, more sad and more sick.
Jackie: [taking Roseanne aside] They're really old?
Roseanne: [guffaws] Oh yeah! I'm sure they'll never forget were they were the day Lincoln was shot.
Jackie: They're completely naked, all the time?
Roseanne: Sometimes he wears a hat.
Jackie: My God, Roseanne, you want a cheap thrill, go rent a porno movie. At least those people want to be watched.
Roseanne: Yeah, but those people ain't, like, 112 years old!
Fred: That's no excuse. If anything, it makes it more wrong, more sad and more sick.
Jackie: [taking Roseanne aside] They're really old?
Roseanne: [guffaws] Oh yeah! I'm sure they'll never forget were they were the day Lincoln was shot.
Jackie: They're completely naked, all the time?
Roseanne: Sometimes he wears a hat.
TV Show: Roseanne
Stacy: I used to think that people that insulted me were just mean, stupid or horrible. But now I think it's just because they've never had really good sex.
Bev: What are you talking about?
Stacy: Well, here's a really good test. Have you ever done it, and when you were through, your hands were just filled with his hair, but you don't remember pulling it out?
Bev: Well, I'm leaving. I'm going to have a respectable conversation with a couple of longshoremen.
[She leaves in a huff]
Jackie: Stacy!
Stacy: I'm sorry! I was just trying to help. Are you mad at me?
Jackie: [grabbing their jackets] No, no! Come on. The way you just treated my mom, I feel like dancing!
Bev: What are you talking about?
Stacy: Well, here's a really good test. Have you ever done it, and when you were through, your hands were just filled with his hair, but you don't remember pulling it out?
Bev: Well, I'm leaving. I'm going to have a respectable conversation with a couple of longshoremen.
[She leaves in a huff]
Jackie: Stacy!
Stacy: I'm sorry! I was just trying to help. Are you mad at me?
Jackie: [grabbing their jackets] No, no! Come on. The way you just treated my mom, I feel like dancing!
TV Show: Roseanne
Trailer Park Resident: And don't you ever feed my dog!
Roseanne: If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!
Roseanne: If I get drunk enough, I'll fight your dog!
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: [laughs after DJ's pushy girlfriend leaves] What was that?
Dan: I don't know. But the dark prince takes many forms.
Roseanne: I like her!
Dan: I don't know. But the dark prince takes many forms.
Roseanne: I like her!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [to Dan on why she doesn't want David to go out on a date with someone other than Darlene] Because I love our daughter and I love David. No new people!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: We're white trash, and we'll stay white trash till the day they haul us out to the curb.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [to Becky who is now again played by Lecy Goranson] Where the hell have you been?
Becky: Just getting this.
Roseanne: Took you long enough, seems like you've been gone for 3 years.
Becky: Just getting this.
Roseanne: Took you long enough, seems like you've been gone for 3 years.
TV Show: Roseanne
[Becky walks into the laundry room]
Darlene: Where the hell have you been?
Becky: (laughs) Why does everybody keep saying that?
Darlene: Where the hell have you been?
Becky: (laughs) Why does everybody keep saying that?
TV Show: Roseanne
David: (trying to rework the Lunch Box menu) Mrs. Conner, I know that you want to compete with that restaurant, but you can't have me keep drawing little red hearts next to the Chili Cheese Fries, and call it the "Lite And Healthy" menu!
Roseanne: You're right, David. So why not draw a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in!
Roseanne: You're right, David. So why not draw a cancer-riddled colon? That'll draw 'em in!
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [Roseanne is grilling Dan because she knows he went to the diner's competition for lunch] I ate those peanut butter cracker things all day from the vending machine at work. Really filling.
Roseanne: All day, huh? Say, what number would they be on the vending machine?
Dan: [pause] B3.
Roseanne: That's wrong, that's the Clark bar. Try again.
Dan: G6.
Roseanne: The O'Henry. Any idiot knows that.
Roseanne: All day, huh? Say, what number would they be on the vending machine?
Dan: [pause] B3.
Roseanne: That's wrong, that's the Clark bar. Try again.
Dan: G6.
Roseanne: The O'Henry. Any idiot knows that.
TV Show: Roseanne
[Roseanne and Jackie were infiltrating the diners competition at night planting dead fish. Attempted to put one in the air vent and got stuck in it.]
Jackie: I know! We'll turn on the stove, the heat will cause the metal to expand, and then you can get out!
Roseanne: I'm standing on the stove! ...It's amazing how you can have your head stuck in a vent and still not be the stupidest person in the room.
Jackie: I know! We'll turn on the stove, the heat will cause the metal to expand, and then you can get out!
Roseanne: I'm standing on the stove! ...It's amazing how you can have your head stuck in a vent and still not be the stupidest person in the room.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: Hey check it out! There's a bottle of peppermint schnapps with a card from Mom. (reading card) "Dear Leon, congratulations on 5 years of sobriety."
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: So, what did you like better, Becky? Schnapps in coffee, schnapps on the cake, or schnapps over ice cream?
Becky: (drunk and confused) Ok.
Darlene: Man, you are schnapp faced. What the hell are you doing back there?
Becky: Just a little meat sculpture. (lifts platter with meat in the shape of Roseanne's head) Guess who this is. (imitating Roseanne) Darlene! Becky! My back's itchy right in the center!
Darlene: God, it's mom. It's Mom Tar-tar.
Becky: How long do you think it will take to cook Mom's head?
Darlene: 2 and a half hours at 350. I've thought about it a lot.
Becky: (drunk and confused) Ok.
Darlene: Man, you are schnapp faced. What the hell are you doing back there?
Becky: Just a little meat sculpture. (lifts platter with meat in the shape of Roseanne's head) Guess who this is. (imitating Roseanne) Darlene! Becky! My back's itchy right in the center!
Darlene: God, it's mom. It's Mom Tar-tar.
Becky: How long do you think it will take to cook Mom's head?
Darlene: 2 and a half hours at 350. I've thought about it a lot.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [on the guests at the bar mitzvah] Man, these people are completely rude for no reason. I love it here!
TV Show: Roseanne
Rabbi Farkas: [to Roseanne and Dan, who are crashing a bar mitzvah at their hotel and pretending to be Jewish] What temple do you belong to?
Roseanne: Temple... Beth... Midler.
Rabbi Farkas: Really, I've never heard of that. Are you reformed?
Roseanne: No, but we're trying to cut down.
Roseanne: Temple... Beth... Midler.
Rabbi Farkas: Really, I've never heard of that. Are you reformed?
Roseanne: No, but we're trying to cut down.
TV Show: Roseanne
Bandleader at Bar Mitzvah: Well, we're gonna take a little break now, ha ha. When we come back, the Meyer family has requested something from Fiddler on the Roof, so if you have any requests, please don't hesitate, ha ha.
Roseanne: What about something from Jesus Christ Superstar?
Bandleader: [laughing nervously] Well, there's one in every crowd!
Roseanne: What about something from Jesus Christ Superstar?
Bandleader: [laughing nervously] Well, there's one in every crowd!
TV Show: Roseanne
Kids: Trick or treat, trick or treat, give me something good to eat.
Mom[played by Sarah Chalke - aka Becky #2]: Hi, your house is so warm and cozy! I love it! [looks at the treats in the kids' bags] Thank you so much, you are nice nice nice!
Mark: Hey, this is like deja vu all over again.
Mom: Buh-bye!
Kids: Bye! Happy Halloween!
Roseanne: Bye! [closes the door] Gee, I wish we had a daughter that sweet.
Dan: Just wasn't in the cards, honey.
Mom[played by Sarah Chalke - aka Becky #2]: Hi, your house is so warm and cozy! I love it! [looks at the treats in the kids' bags] Thank you so much, you are nice nice nice!
Mark: Hey, this is like deja vu all over again.
Mom: Buh-bye!
Kids: Bye! Happy Halloween!
Roseanne: Bye! [closes the door] Gee, I wish we had a daughter that sweet.
Dan: Just wasn't in the cards, honey.
TV Show: Roseanne
[discussing bad songs from the 70's with Jackie]
Roseanne: Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.
Roseanne: Remember "Baby, Baby, Don't Get Hooked on Me"? "I'll just use you then I'll set you free"? Use me and I'll set you on fire, you bastard.
TV Show: Roseanne
DJ: (as an Indian on the First Thanksgiving) Welcome brothers. Share in our bountiful feast.
First Pilgrim Boy: Looks like there is not enough seats at the table.
DJ: Then we shall make more benches.
Second Pilgrim Boy: Nah, let's make some dead Indians!
First Pilgrim Boy: Looks like there is not enough seats at the table.
DJ: Then we shall make more benches.
Second Pilgrim Boy: Nah, let's make some dead Indians!
TV Show: Roseanne
Irate Mother: People came here for the freedom. (Looks at Anne Marie, who is black)
Anne Marie: Excuse me?
Anne Marie: Excuse me?
TV Show: Roseanne
Scott: Mind if I have a look at that guy's check? [Takes check and starts dialing the phone] You really shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behavior. You know, when I was waiting tables in college, I could tell you stories that'd curl...[into phone] Hello, Mrs. Sloan? Hi, this is Scott, I'm the desk clerk at the Come N' Go Motel over in Elgin. When you and your husband were in here last time, unfortunately you left some of your private garments behind. You weren't? Well, aren't you a busty 20-year-old blond? Whoops, my mistake.
Roseanne: Wow, he stiffs me for a tip and you destroy his marriage! That's awesome. Hey, I got more checks, let's do more.
Roseanne: Wow, he stiffs me for a tip and you destroy his marriage! That's awesome. Hey, I got more checks, let's do more.
TV Show: Roseanne
Scott: We were supposed to get married five years ago, but I was left at the altar.
Roseanne: What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?
(enter Leon)
Leon: Scott!
Scott: Hi, Honey!
Roseanne: What kind of a horrible bitch would dump you?
(enter Leon)
Leon: Scott!
Scott: Hi, Honey!
TV Show: Roseanne
Leon: Roseanne, what is all this?
Roseanne: It's a gay wedding!
Leon: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!
Roseanne: It's a gay wedding!
Leon: This isn't a wedding it's a circus! You have somehow managed to take every gay stereotype and roll them up into one gigantic, offensive, Roseanniacal ball of wrong!
TV Show: Roseanne
Leon's Mother: Oh Roseanne. Leon has told me a great deal about you, but uh, the Polaroids didn't quite prepare me.
Roseanne: How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.
Roseanne: How wonderful it is that you were able to get that house off of you in time for the wedding.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [to Dan and Nancy] Now you guys have to stall the guests and keep them entertained so I can go in the bathroom and talk to Leon. Now, if you hear any screaming, just tell everybody that Yoko Ono is warming up.
TV Show: Roseanne
Leon: What if I'm not even gay?
Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.
Leon: Think about it--I hate to shop, I'm positively insensitive, I detest Barbra Streisand, and, for God's sake, I'm a Republican!
Roseanne: But do you like having sex with men?
Leon: Well...
Roseanne: GAY!!!!!!!!!
Leon: Oh, yeah? (He plants a huge kiss on her) Okay... I'm gay, let's go.
Roseanne: You couldn't be any gayer if your name was Gay Gayerson.
Leon: Think about it--I hate to shop, I'm positively insensitive, I detest Barbra Streisand, and, for God's sake, I'm a Republican!
Roseanne: But do you like having sex with men?
Leon: Well...
Roseanne: GAY!!!!!!!!!
Leon: Oh, yeah? (He plants a huge kiss on her) Okay... I'm gay, let's go.
TV Show: Roseanne