Roseanne Quotes
Becky: Wow, look at all this stuff! I don't know where to start.
Roseanne: Well, I'll simplify it for you. Crackers are the appetizers we had in the car and, well, pasta, that's spaghetti and I would not pay $12.95 for a plate of spaghetti if they had Mr. Chef Boyardee hisself in the kitchen there.
Roseanne: Well, I'll simplify it for you. Crackers are the appetizers we had in the car and, well, pasta, that's spaghetti and I would not pay $12.95 for a plate of spaghetti if they had Mr. Chef Boyardee hisself in the kitchen there.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: Look, Mom, I found some really great colleges and..
Roseanne: But..
Becky: What's the but?
Roseanne: Mark is the but, I must go on about my point.
Roseanne: But..
Becky: What's the but?
Roseanne: Mark is the but, I must go on about my point.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: Did I hear right? Are we going on vacation?
Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky--played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, and then by Lecy Goranson--will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography is prohibited.
Becky: Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!
Roseanne: Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?
Narrator: Ladies and gentlemen, the role of Becky--played by Lecy Goranson, then by Sarah Chalke, and then by Lecy Goranson--will be played this evening by Sarah Chalke. Flash photography is prohibited.
Becky: Disney World? I've always wanted to go there!
Roseanne: Well, aren't you glad you're here this week?
TV Show: Roseanne
David: (being deprogrammed under a light) No, Mrs. Conner. I want to go back to Edelweiss Gardens so I can help people have fun again!
Roseanne: (a little angry) All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy--you frown, you're introspective, and you mope.
David: I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
Roseanne: Listen to me, David. We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise.
David: Oh no, no, no, no!
Roseanne: Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that, David? 'Cause I am an EXPERT on what is mediocre.
(David pants with anger)
Roseanne: That's good! You hate me now, don't you David?! You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?
David: No! No, no I don't! (back to smiling) You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!
Roseanne: (slaps him) LIAR! Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! RABBITS AND GEESE AND GOATS ARE NOT PEOPLE!! THEY DON'T SING AND DANCE!! THEY'RE FOOD!!!!!!!!!
David: (broken) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Roseanne: There...There.... Welcome home, son.
Roseanne: (a little angry) All right. Let's go over this one more time. Your name is David Healy--you frown, you're introspective, and you mope.
David: I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening, I'm not listening.
Roseanne: Listen to me, David. We don't whistle while we work! We grumble and complain and encourage others to do likewise.
David: Oh no, no, no, no!
Roseanne: Yes! Yes! Yes! Let me tell you a little something about your Edelweiss Gardens, David. It's mediocre food and mediocre fun at best. And you know why I know that, David? 'Cause I am an EXPERT on what is mediocre.
(David pants with anger)
Roseanne: That's good! You hate me now, don't you David?! You're feeling hate. You hate me right now, don't you?
David: No! No, no I don't! (back to smiling) You're a paying customer, and I respect and admire you!
Roseanne: (slaps him) LIAR! Break, damn you!! Break! Listen to me, David! RABBITS AND GEESE AND GOATS ARE NOT PEOPLE!! THEY DON'T SING AND DANCE!! THEY'RE FOOD!!!!!!!!!
David: (broken) NOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
Roseanne: There...There.... Welcome home, son.
TV Show: Roseanne
David: (on moving to Chicago) There is so much to think about. Should we each buy our own food? Should we split the utilities? Should we have separate phone lines?
Darlene: You know, erm... or we could just get married.
David: Yeah right! To who?
Darlene: No, I mean, come on, there's a lot of advantages to being married, right?
David: Oh, I get it. You mean so we can get all the gifts and money from our friends.
Darlene: Our friends? The only thing we'd get from them is beer and mono. David...
David: You're serious about this aren't you?
Darlene: Yeah, I am.
David: Oh my God! (They kiss) Wait a minute! Haha, okay, Now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?
Darlene: Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.
Darlene: You know, erm... or we could just get married.
David: Yeah right! To who?
Darlene: No, I mean, come on, there's a lot of advantages to being married, right?
David: Oh, I get it. You mean so we can get all the gifts and money from our friends.
Darlene: Our friends? The only thing we'd get from them is beer and mono. David...
David: You're serious about this aren't you?
Darlene: Yeah, I am.
David: Oh my God! (They kiss) Wait a minute! Haha, okay, Now you're gonna tell me you're kidding, right?
Darlene: Nope. Now I'm gonna tell you I'm pregnant.
TV Show: Roseanne
[about Darlene's pregnancy]
David: How? When?
Darlene: When? Disney World!
David: You mean... that night after the fireworks?
Darlene: Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.
David: How? When?
Darlene: When? Disney World!
David: You mean... that night after the fireworks?
Darlene: Either that or it really is a magical kingdom.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Let's see, David is pale and kind of weak-kneed and all nervous, so no clues there. But Darlene wants to sit next to me, and she said something nice to her brother. Ooh, I wonder. I know--you're pregnant!
(everybody laughs, except David and Darlene)
Roseanne: (yelling) That was my joke guess!
(There is a small pause, as Roseanne stares at them)
David: We're also getting married.
(A silence as they all took it in)
Roseanne: (Turns to Dan) Well this is just great. I can get one of those T-shirts that say 'World's Greatest Grandma' on it. And you can get yourself, um, I don`t know, a cane or something.
(everybody laughs, except David and Darlene)
Roseanne: (yelling) That was my joke guess!
(There is a small pause, as Roseanne stares at them)
David: We're also getting married.
(A silence as they all took it in)
Roseanne: (Turns to Dan) Well this is just great. I can get one of those T-shirts that say 'World's Greatest Grandma' on it. And you can get yourself, um, I don`t know, a cane or something.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Not only are we going to have a grandchild roughly around the age of our own child, but our daughter is marrying the boy we considered to be our son. I think that makes us ...officially... THE white-trashiest people in ALL the land!
Dan: Yee-haw!
Dan: Yee-haw!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Hey! I am not divorced, single, desperate or lonely. What the hell do I need to exercise for?
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: You got an answer for everything, don't you. Well... [breaks the mantelpieces] why don't you tell me how to clean up this CRAP you call decoration?
Roseanne: I want you to pick them all up, using your ass, and start with the pointy things!
Dan: You are a controlling bitch! (flips coffee table over)
Roseanne: No I'm not, Dan, I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and and stop staring at the damn TV! [breaks television screen with Godzilla figure]
Dan: Boy, I tell ya, I wished I had never mar--
Roseanne: What? Say it.
Dan: Nothing.
Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan, but you're gonna have to do it alone, because I'm not going to sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's.
Roseanne: I want you to pick them all up, using your ass, and start with the pointy things!
Dan: You are a controlling bitch! (flips coffee table over)
Roseanne: No I'm not, Dan, I'm just trying to do whatever it takes to get you up off of your ass and and stop staring at the damn TV! [breaks television screen with Godzilla figure]
Dan: Boy, I tell ya, I wished I had never mar--
Roseanne: What? Say it.
Dan: Nothing.
Roseanne: Well that makes two of us. You can die if you want to Dan, but you're gonna have to do it alone, because I'm not going to sit here and watch you. I'll be at Jackie's.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Roseanne! Roseanne! Where are you? I've got to tell you something!
Roseanne: (rushing out to the living room in her bra) What? Where's my baby? What?
Jackie: We won the lottery! This is the winning lottery ticket, I've got it right here! Remember, you told me to watch it on TV!
Roseanne: What are you talking about?
Jackie: We won the lottery, I can't believe it!
Roseanne: What lottery?
Jackie: The lottery! The Illinois State Lottery, it's the biggest one in the history of Illinois! It's 108 million dollars!
Roseanne: You mean, you mean--
Jackie: We're the people that picked the six winning numbers.
Roseanne: Oh my God, so you're telling me -- (pauses while Jackie seems to be gasping for air) -- you're telling me -- (pauses again as she seems to be trying to grasp the subject) -- you're telling me that we won the Illinois State Lottery for 108 million dollars; is that what you're telling me? Is that what you're telling me??
Jackie: Let's tell Dan!
Roseanne: NO! Dan has just had a heart attack and this kind of thing could kill him!
Dan: What's going on?
Roseanne: Don't panic!!
Dan: Why, what's wrong?
Roseanne: Nothing, nothing is wrong.
Jackie: Nothing is wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.
Roseanne: Dan, Dan, I have something to tell you, but before I tell you, you have to promise me that you are not going to collapse or turn blue or anything like that.
Dan: Scout's honor.
Roseanne: WE WON THE LOTTERY!!!
Dan: OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD, WE WON THE LOTTERY!! OH MY GOD!!
(DJ comes down the stairs as Roseanne is riding piggy back on Dan's back, both of them with Jackie screaming raucously.)
Roseanne: (talkin
Roseanne: (rushing out to the living room in her bra) What? Where's my baby? What?
Jackie: We won the lottery! This is the winning lottery ticket, I've got it right here! Remember, you told me to watch it on TV!
Roseanne: What are you talking about?
Jackie: We won the lottery, I can't believe it!
Roseanne: What lottery?
Jackie: The lottery! The Illinois State Lottery, it's the biggest one in the history of Illinois! It's 108 million dollars!
Roseanne: You mean, you mean--
Jackie: We're the people that picked the six winning numbers.
Roseanne: Oh my God, so you're telling me -- (pauses while Jackie seems to be gasping for air) -- you're telling me -- (pauses again as she seems to be trying to grasp the subject) -- you're telling me that we won the Illinois State Lottery for 108 million dollars; is that what you're telling me? Is that what you're telling me??
Jackie: Let's tell Dan!
Roseanne: NO! Dan has just had a heart attack and this kind of thing could kill him!
Dan: What's going on?
Roseanne: Don't panic!!
Dan: Why, what's wrong?
Roseanne: Nothing, nothing is wrong.
Jackie: Nothing is wrong. Nothing will ever be wrong again.
Roseanne: Dan, Dan, I have something to tell you, but before I tell you, you have to promise me that you are not going to collapse or turn blue or anything like that.
Dan: Scout's honor.
Roseanne: WE WON THE LOTTERY!!!
Dan: OH MY GOD!! OH MY GOD, WE WON THE LOTTERY!! OH MY GOD!!
(DJ comes down the stairs as Roseanne is riding piggy back on Dan's back, both of them with Jackie screaming raucously.)
Roseanne: (talkin
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: (to Harris) I owe you an apology. I've been trying to fix your body. We're not bodies with souls. We're souls with bodies.
TV Show: Roseanne
Leon: (imitates police siren) Manners police. I'm sorry, Dan, no whittling at the dining room table.
TV Show: Roseanne
Leon: (talking to Scott) You know, as far as I'm concerned, George Bush was the best president we ever had. I mean, look at all the fat he cut out of Medicare.
TV Show: Roseanne
Scott: You know, in China, they believe in reincarnation, so they have a HELL of a time with their probate law!
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Hey DJ, quit bogarting the moo goo gai pan.
DJ: Yeah, well, Darlene took all the pot stickers.
Darlene: ...and, now that you're distracted, I took the moo goo gai pan.
Dan: Confucius say, you snooze, you lose. Oh, thinning son.
DJ: Yeah, well, Darlene took all the pot stickers.
Darlene: ...and, now that you're distracted, I took the moo goo gai pan.
Dan: Confucius say, you snooze, you lose. Oh, thinning son.
TV Show: Roseanne
(DJ plays with chopsticks as if they were drumsticks and throws both behind his shoulder)
TV Show: Roseanne
Bev: Roseanne, will you keep your children in line? I didn't raise my children to throw chopsticks.
TV Show: Roseanne
Bev: (talking to Leon) You may think I'm crazy, but it is the women's movement that has destroyed the family unit.
TV Show: Roseanne
Mark: (talking to David) Hey man, check out my fortune here: True love lies where you least expect it.
Becky: It better not.
David: Mark, I think I got yours: Deep thoughts run shallow.
Becky: It better not.
David: Mark, I think I got yours: Deep thoughts run shallow.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: There's lucky numbers on the back. Let's play the lottery.
Roseanne: No thanks, I can't get rid of all this money now.
Roseanne: No thanks, I can't get rid of all this money now.
TV Show: Roseanne
Nancy: ...the women's shelter needs furniture, so if there's anything you don't want, let me know and I'll have it picked up.
TV Show: Roseanne
David: (to Becky) Do you wanna go to this poetry reading before the museum?
Becky: Yeah, before, I wanna pick up some books first.
David: OK.
Becky: Yeah, before, I wanna pick up some books first.
David: OK.
TV Show: Roseanne