Roseanne Quotes
[In the garage]
Jackie: She's always telling people how to live their lives...
Dan: Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.
Roseanne: [from outside] Well, I do!
Jackie: She's always telling people how to live their lives...
Dan: Yeah, well, that's because she thinks she knows everything.
Roseanne: [from outside] Well, I do!
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: It wouldn't be as bad if you didn't come over every weekend.
Jackie: Well, Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.
Jackie: Well, Dan, if you had a job, you wouldn't notice as much.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Hey! You can insult my wife and you can insult my children, but never badmouth my chili!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You knew when you married me that I had a sister!
Dan: But I didn't think she'd be be here every weekend.
Roseanne: Well, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.
Dan: But I didn't think she'd be be here every weekend.
Roseanne: Well, I didn't think I'd be here every weekend.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [to Becky and Darlene] OK, there's only one way to solve this problem. Give me that pillow [takes pillow from Darlene] and give me that blanket, too.[takes blanket from Becky] All right, now turn around and face each other here. [the girls face each other]. Now I want you two to fight to the death.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: I'll get the tape.
Darlene: No, I'll get the tape.
Roseanne: I'll get my tubes tied.
Darlene: No, I'll get the tape.
Roseanne: I'll get my tubes tied.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Where's your school spirit?
Roseanne: I lost it on prom night with everything else.
Roseanne: I lost it on prom night with everything else.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: I hate my hair. I hate my clothes. I hate my face.
Darlene: That makes two of us.
Darlene: That makes two of us.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: You know Vinnie, that new kid I hired?
Roseanne: Oh, you mean that 19-year-old Adonis with the washboard stomach?
Dan: You noticed.
Roseanne: Noticed? Hell, I made sketches.
Roseanne: Oh, you mean that 19-year-old Adonis with the washboard stomach?
Dan: You noticed.
Roseanne: Noticed? Hell, I made sketches.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Why must you mere mortals gamble with your own thoughts when you have the goddess of corn here to keep you from screwing up?
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Oh yeah, that's right. I forgot, you're the real expert with women.
Dwight: I guess I know my way around the henhouse all right.
Dan: Yeah, probably so, since you're still living at home with your mom.
Dwight: I guess I know my way around the henhouse all right.
Dan: Yeah, probably so, since you're still living at home with your mom.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dwight: You know, if my woman ever talked to me that way, you know what I would say?
Dan: Yeah, "Get back in the house, Ma!"
Dan: Yeah, "Get back in the house, Ma!"
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: [regarding Dwight] I was down at his hardware store the other day and he was following me around like a puppy. I thought it was cute.
Roseanne: Cute? I'll bet his parents are brother and sister.
Roseanne: Cute? I'll bet his parents are brother and sister.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Hey, kiddo, you gonna stick around and mooch dinner from us tonight?
Jackie: No, I have a date.
Dan: Animal, vegetable or mineral?
Jackie: Booker.
Roseanne: Vegetable.
Jackie: No, I have a date.
Dan: Animal, vegetable or mineral?
Jackie: Booker.
Roseanne: Vegetable.
TV Show: Roseanne
Crystal: How do you like your marshmallows, Roseanne?
Roseanne: Like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.
Roseanne: Like I like my men: crispy on the outside and stuck to the end of a fork.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: (To DJ) Don't bother your aunt Jackie when she's in the middle of a breakdown.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: (After hearing loud bumping noise outside of the front door, scaring Crystal.) It's for you, Crystal!
TV Show: Roseanne
Crystal: What was it?
Dan: Nothing.
Roseanne: I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!
Dan: Nothing.
Roseanne: I just bumped into my future, and it was hideous!
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Will Dad? have a third cup of coffee?
Becky: Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?
Roseanne: Will you get the hell out of my house?
Becky: Will Mom get off the sofa by noon?
Roseanne: Will you get the hell out of my house?
TV Show: Roseanne
Salesman: Good afternoon, ma'am, and how are you? I would like a moment of your time.
Roseanne: [closes the door] I already been saved.
Roseanne: [closes the door] I already been saved.
TV Show: Roseanne
[After the salesman dies on the table]
Roseanne: (Checks his pulse) Oh my God! He's dead!
Dan: Check it again!
Roseanne: I know how to count to zero!
Roseanne: (Checks his pulse) Oh my God! He's dead!
Dan: Check it again!
Roseanne: I know how to count to zero!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Well, don't look at me. If we would have had sex like I wanted to, none of this would have happened.
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: How's my baklava?
Police Officer: It's very hot. Don't touch it.
Darlene: [touches baklava] Ow!
Roseanne: You think 'cause you got a gun, she's gonna listen to you?
Police Officer: It's very hot. Don't touch it.
Darlene: [touches baklava] Ow!
Roseanne: You think 'cause you got a gun, she's gonna listen to you?
TV Show: Roseanne
Coroner: [checks the body for a pulse] Yep, he's dead.
Roseanne: Well, there's that in-depth? medical expertise we've been waitin' for.
Roseanne: Well, there's that in-depth? medical expertise we've been waitin' for.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Let me see if I got this straight: we need milk.
Roseanne: Milk.
Dan: We need eggs?.
Roseanne: Eggs.
Dan: Bullets.
Roseanne: Milk.
Dan: We need eggs?.
Roseanne: Eggs.
Dan: Bullets.
TV Show: Roseanne
Bev: What kind of list is he making, not that it's any of my business?
Dan: A hitlist.
Dan: A hitlist.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: If my parents move to Lanford, I'm going to be sleeping on a cot for the rest of my life because I'm going to be in prison for blowing them away.
TV Show: Roseanne