Roseanne Quotes
Jackie: Are you sure?
Dan: Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.
Crystal: I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.
Dan: And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?
Becky: I'm gonna be at the mall.
Darlene: I've got basketball practice.
Crystal: Me too.
Dan: Jackie, I have been through this for 17 years: every 28 days, 204 times, yes I'm sure.
Crystal: I don't know, Dan, Roseanne seems perfectly pleasant today.
Dan: And Crystal, when have you ever known Roseanne to be "perfectly pleasant"?
Becky: I'm gonna be at the mall.
Darlene: I've got basketball practice.
Crystal: Me too.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Wait! No, you can't leave!
Dan: Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.
Dan: Jackie, Jackie, I'm warning you! If you don't let go of me, I'm fully prepared to gnaw my own arm off.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Kids, I want you to remember this: PMS is serious stuff. It causes depression, anxiety...physical pain.
Dan: And it's rough on your mother, too.
Dan: And it's rough on your mother, too.
TV Show: Roseanne
D.J.: Mom, how come Becky's got three hands in this picture?
Roseanne: Three hands...?
D.J.: Yeah, look.
Roseanne: Lemme see. (looks through DJ's magnifying glass and gasps) She didn't do it. I'll kill her!
Roseanne: Three hands...?
D.J.: Yeah, look.
Roseanne: Lemme see. (looks through DJ's magnifying glass and gasps) She didn't do it. I'll kill her!
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: I can't believe this! You guys weren't mad when you thought I did do it, and now you’re mad 'cause you know I didn't? God, maybe next year I ought to moon the class photo so you guys are proud of me.
Roseanne: Make sure it's your own butt!
Roseanne: Make sure it's your own butt!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You know, of all of the people in the world to have as a role model, our kid has to pick Eddie Munster.
Dan: You're the one who thought it would be great to have a son.
Roseanne: Well, it would have.
Dan: You're the one who thought it would be great to have a son.
Roseanne: Well, it would have.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: You're kidding? You guys have a night?
Roseanne: Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.
Jackie: You have a time too?
Roseanne: Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.
Jackie: Well, you should make him wait half an hour after he eats.
Roseanne: Yes, we have a night. It's not only Wednesday, but it's always Wednesday.
Jackie: You have a time too?
Roseanne: Yeah. Twenty minutes, or until he gets a cramp.
Jackie: Well, you should make him wait half an hour after he eats.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Whatcha doin'?
Roseanne: Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warren's house tonight.
Dan: You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?
Roseanne: No! That was D.J. [pause] Little Warren just stunned 'em.
Roseanne: Oh, I'm packing D.J.'s little duffle bag. He's going to stay over at little Warren's house tonight.
Dan: You think that's a good idea? I mean, isn't little Warren the one that tied all those squirrel together?
Roseanne: No! That was D.J. [pause] Little Warren just stunned 'em.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: Well, if they're not missing, then what are they? I mean, hey, let’s face it, even Mom and Dad can't eat dinner for four hours.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: Bring on the fudge and Kevin Costner's butt. I'm ready to sink my teeth into both of them.
Roseanne: How ya doin' sis?
Bev: [yells from the bathroom] Roseanne, are these towels clean?
Jackie: You are just EVIL!
Roseanne: How ya doin' sis?
Bev: [yells from the bathroom] Roseanne, are these towels clean?
Jackie: You are just EVIL!
TV Show: Roseanne
Bev: You know, Darlene, you're very lucky to have such a popular sister. When you start dating she could give you some pointers. (winks)
Darlene: Yeah well, if she's so popular, just ask her which one of us got felt up. (winks)
Roseanne: Darlene, leave the table.
Darlene: Yeah, I knew that'd do it.
Darlene: Yeah well, if she's so popular, just ask her which one of us got felt up. (winks)
Roseanne: Darlene, leave the table.
Darlene: Yeah, I knew that'd do it.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: (Talking to Roseanne) What if he hits on me?
Roseanne: Oh Jackie, he's annoying, not desperate!
Roseanne: Oh Jackie, he's annoying, not desperate!
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: What's wrong with DJ?
Darlene: Oh, his death ray broke.
Dan: How did that happen?
Darlene: Oh that's not important.
Darlene: Oh, his death ray broke.
Dan: How did that happen?
Darlene: Oh that's not important.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: No one could eat this crud.
Dan: Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.
Dan: Hey, if you don't finish your crud, you're not gonna get any crap for dessert.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Deej, what's goin' on?
D.J.: It's OK. As long as I give Kevin Morgan two Twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.
Dan: No, it's not OK. You can't go through life giving in to bullies.
DJ: But I wanna live!
D.J.: It's OK. As long as I give Kevin Morgan two Twinkies every day, he won't beat me up.
Dan: No, it's not OK. You can't go through life giving in to bullies.
DJ: But I wanna live!
TV Show: Roseanne
[Darlene's Home Ec class is cooking dinner for the Conners]
Tanya: How long do we cook it?
Roseanne: 'Til the oldest kid comes down and whines 'Oh God, not meatloaf again!'. Call me when you're done.
Meryl: Hey, wait a minute. I don't see why I have to be stuck in this kitchen, killing myself cooking dinner for this family!
Girls: Yeah!
Roseanne: This is a proud, proud moment for me, girls! Now you're sounding like real houswives.
Tanya: How long do we cook it?
Roseanne: 'Til the oldest kid comes down and whines 'Oh God, not meatloaf again!'. Call me when you're done.
Meryl: Hey, wait a minute. I don't see why I have to be stuck in this kitchen, killing myself cooking dinner for this family!
Girls: Yeah!
Roseanne: This is a proud, proud moment for me, girls! Now you're sounding like real houswives.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [to Kevin Morgan's father] Whoa, settle down or I'll give my wife a doughnut to kick your butt.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: So, what, now I'm buying Twinkies for Maxine instead of Kevin?
D.J.: No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he'd give me two Twinkies every day. Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.
Roseanne: He is a genius.
D.J.: No. I told Kevin I'd call Maxine off if he'd give me two Twinkies every day. Then I give one to Maxine and eat the other one. Doesn't cost you anything.
Roseanne: He is a genius.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Geez, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts like a total baby.
Dan: [yells] What's that honey?
Roseanne: [yells back] I said, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts just like a baby!
Dan: Oh, ok.
Dan: [yells] What's that honey?
Roseanne: [yells back] I said, 39 years old, he gets a little flu and he acts just like a baby!
Dan: Oh, ok.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You're doing that play and that's all there is to it.
D.J.: Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you.
Roseanne: Are you new?
D.J.: Well Dad said I didn't have to, and Dad outranks you.
Roseanne: Are you new?
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: You're gonna kiss a lot of girls in your life, and they're all gonna be different.
D.J.: Well, do you even think I should kiss Lila Matthews?
Dan: What's different about her?
D.J.: Well, Ralph says she uses her tongue.
Dan: I'd go for it.
D.J.: Well, do you even think I should kiss Lila Matthews?
Dan: What's different about her?
D.J.: Well, Ralph says she uses her tongue.
Dan: I'd go for it.
TV Show: Roseanne
[Dan can't stop watching the elderly neighbors walking around their house naked]
Dan: It's like a train wreck... A train wreck full of naked people.
Dan: It's like a train wreck... A train wreck full of naked people.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Oh look, it's our favorite fun couple: Becky and anybody-but-that-guy.
Roseanne: Oh man, he makes my skin crawl...
Dan: Ah...honey, just put on your best fake smile.
Roseanne: Oh man, he makes my skin crawl...
Dan: Ah...honey, just put on your best fake smile.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [Sitting behind Roseanne on the motorcycle] Wow...suddenly I feel like Ann Margaret in "Kitten with a Whip".
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: I got fifty bucks you can borrow, Beck. That'll leave you with only twelve fifty.
Becky: What's in it for you?
Darlene: Well, I'll lend you the money, interest free, then when I'm sixteen, we share the car.
Becky: You think I'm gonna share a car with you? No way.
Darlene: Then forget it. Junior Miss can take the bus until she's forty.
Becky: What's in it for you?
Darlene: Well, I'll lend you the money, interest free, then when I'm sixteen, we share the car.
Becky: You think I'm gonna share a car with you? No way.
Darlene: Then forget it. Junior Miss can take the bus until she's forty.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: I just don't want you to hate Mark.
Dan: I don't hate Mark.
Becky: Mom does.
Dan: Mom definitely hates him...definitely...hate. Mom does, yes.
Dan: I don't hate Mark.
Becky: Mom does.
Dan: Mom definitely hates him...definitely...hate. Mom does, yes.
TV Show: Roseanne