Roseanne Quotes
Kathy: So now you're a better mother because you have more children?
Roseanne: Yes! I have three, and you only have one. Three to one, get it! I have three! I win!
Roseanne: Yes! I have three, and you only have one. Three to one, get it! I have three! I win!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: I'm a better person. I'm a better person. I'm a better person. Hope I don't kill her.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Oh, you probably still sneak into Todd's room at night, and check if he's breathing.
Kathy: Yes!
Roseanne: Amateur!
Kathy: Yes!
Roseanne: Amateur!
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: We're just trying to figure out the sex of Crystal's baby.
Darlene: Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.
Roseanne: [to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?
Darlene: Who cares? It's just going to be another screaming, whining, bratty little life-sucking poop machine.
Roseanne: [to Crystal] You still want her to babysit?
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: [about D.J.'s reaction to his Dad's accident] Dad, he's crazy.
Dan: He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain others in this household, considering what happened to me yesterday.
Darlene: You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take one shot. Now that is love.
Dan: He's showing concern, which is more than I can say for certain others in this household, considering what happened to me yesterday.
Darlene: You were sitting in a porta-crapper that got nailed by a wrecking ball. I didn't take one shot. Now that is love.
TV Show: Roseanne
[Roseanne is in labor]
Roseanne: I can't stand it no more, Dan. I gotta push.
Dan: No, no, not 'til the doctor gets here. Come on, blow.
Roseanne: [after a few quick breaths] Okay, okay, it passed.
Dan: You're pushing.
Roseanne: No I'm not!
Dan: Yes, you are! If you aren't going to do this right, let's forget the whole thing.
Roseanne: Oh, right, we'll just go home. God, you're such a moron!
Roseanne: I can't stand it no more, Dan. I gotta push.
Dan: No, no, not 'til the doctor gets here. Come on, blow.
Roseanne: [after a few quick breaths] Okay, okay, it passed.
Dan: You're pushing.
Roseanne: No I'm not!
Dan: Yes, you are! If you aren't going to do this right, let's forget the whole thing.
Roseanne: Oh, right, we'll just go home. God, you're such a moron!
TV Show: Roseanne
(Darlene has just tried on a ridiculously spacey dress)
Becky: Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.
Becky: Well, you do look like Judy Jetson.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Well listen, if this Barry guy tries to hold you too close, just tell him you've gotta throw up.
Darlene: Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.
Darlene: Oh, I thought I'd save that for when he wants to have sex.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: C'mon, Darlene, don't miss out on this just to get back at me. There's better ways of gettin' back at me! Maybe Becky's boyfriend has a little brother!
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: What's all this fuss about Mother's Day? I don't remember us getting like a Kids' Day.
Dan: Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.
Darlene: God, don't you just want to smack them when they say stuff like that!?
Dan: Someday, my precious angel, you too will be a parent and then you will realize that every day is Kids' Day.
Darlene: God, don't you just want to smack them when they say stuff like that!?
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You're the guy that said you could see yourself sleeping if you just woke up fast enough.
Ziggy: And I've never been proven wrong.
Ziggy: And I've never been proven wrong.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Becky wants me to take her and get her some birth control. [Dan heads for the back of the shop] Where are you going?
Dan: Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.
Dan: Oh, I'm gonna kill Mark. He's in back, so I have to go in the back to kill him.
TV Show: Roseanne
Crystal: [sobbing about why her baby won't sleep at night] Well, why won't he sleep?! I've tried everything, even the washing machine!
Darlene: You put him in the washing machine??
Crystal: No, Darlene. You put him in his little baby seat on the washer, and the vibrations are supposed to soothe him to sleep.
Roseanne: [to Darlene] Yeah, you know, when you were a baby we couldn't afford a washing machine, so I had to take you down to the river and beat you against a rock.
Darlene: You put him in the washing machine??
Crystal: No, Darlene. You put him in his little baby seat on the washer, and the vibrations are supposed to soothe him to sleep.
Roseanne: [to Darlene] Yeah, you know, when you were a baby we couldn't afford a washing machine, so I had to take you down to the river and beat you against a rock.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: What are people gonna say, Jackie? [about Becky using birth control]
Jackie: Who's gonna know?
Roseanne: She's gonna tell all her friends, and then her friends will tell their moms, [mimicking a whiny teenager] "Mrs. Conner lets Becky have sex!"
Jackie: Who's gonna know?
Roseanne: She's gonna tell all her friends, and then her friends will tell their moms, [mimicking a whiny teenager] "Mrs. Conner lets Becky have sex!"
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: [on the phone] Hello? ... Oh, yeah, hold on, Mark. BECKY, ZIPPY'S ON THE PHONE! ... So Mark, did you dial the phone yourself or did Daddy help you? ... Oh now, that's not very nice. Do you use that same filthy mouth to kiss my sister?
Becky: Give me the phone, Darlene.
Darlene: Let me just say goodbye. [belches into the phone before handing it to Becky]
Becky: Give me the phone, Darlene.
Darlene: Let me just say goodbye. [belches into the phone before handing it to Becky]
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: I just put Becky in charge. That's like putting Fredo in charge of the Corleone family.
TV Show: Roseanne
D.J.: I haven't said anything in two days and nobody's cared.
Roseanne: That's impossible.
D.J.: Uh huh! The last thing I said was 'Cheerios'!
Roseanne: That's impossible.
D.J.: Uh huh! The last thing I said was 'Cheerios'!
TV Show: Roseanne
[Roseanne and Dan realize that they forgot about DJ again]
Dan: Oh my god! I can't believe we forgot about him again.
Roseanne: Boy, he needs to learn to bitch and moan like his sisters, or he ain't going to make it in this family.
Dan: Oh my god! I can't believe we forgot about him again.
Roseanne: Boy, he needs to learn to bitch and moan like his sisters, or he ain't going to make it in this family.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: (to D.J.) Remember, since the last time, your dad made that rule: no more pets.
Dan: (with the dog) Yes, you're just a happy boy, yes you are. Look at you, waggin' your happy little tail. Mmm mmm mmm, ah-oooohh.
Roseanne: Dan, would you like to explain your "no more pets" rule or keep making out with the dog?
Dan: (with the dog) Yes, you're just a happy boy, yes you are. Look at you, waggin' your happy little tail. Mmm mmm mmm, ah-oooohh.
Roseanne: Dan, would you like to explain your "no more pets" rule or keep making out with the dog?
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You would not believe the day she's having. First her car breaks, then a kitchen fire. The way her luck is going, I wouldn't be surprised if the next thing that happens is some irate mother of three jams a skanky little dog down her throat.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: What the hell were you thinking?!
Jackie: I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead, and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks!
Roseanne: Well, that's still no excuse.
Jackie: I was thinking that I just lost a great guy like Gary and now he's gone for good, and I'll never find another great guy. I'm 36 years old, I've got flabby arm and pelican neck, and all my houseplants are dead, and no one loves me, but what difference does that make anyway because everything in my life sucks!
Roseanne: Well, that's still no excuse.
TV Show: Roseanne
Leon: (looking in Roseanne's fridge) Well, well, well, a gallon of mayo, a gallon of pickle chips, and, yes, it looks like a tub of Rodbell's famous coleslaw. Just like in my own refrigerator at home.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Hey honey, why didn't you tell me Leon was gay?
Roseanne: What difference does it make? You're all pigs!
Roseanne: What difference does it make? You're all pigs!
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: Oh, so that's the way it works around here? You lie around like a hairball and you get free clothes? Well, maybe if I lapse into a coma, I'll get that car.
TV Show: Roseanne
Bonnie: What about her friends? What if she's hanging around with a bad influence?
Roseanne: [Scoffs] No, Darlene always was the bad influence.
Roseanne: [Scoffs] No, Darlene always was the bad influence.
TV Show: Roseanne
[Darlene has started dressing in all black. Dan holds a mirror up to her face.]
Dan: Just checking.
Dan: Just checking.
TV Show: Roseanne
Leon: Roseanne, did it ever occur to you for even one moment to stay out of it!
Roseanne: Yeah, but by then it was too late.
Roseanne: Yeah, but by then it was too late.
TV Show: Roseanne