Roseanne Quotes
David: So what did I do, anyway? I put my arm around you.
Darlene: Well yeah, what was next?
David: God, I don't know. It took me 3 weeks to get to that.
Darlene: Well yeah, what was next?
David: God, I don't know. It took me 3 weeks to get to that.
TV Show: Roseanne
(Jackie and Becky are sitting at the kitchen table commiserating with each other about being alone. Darlene and David come in from outside.)
Darlene: (To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?
David: I was just holding your hand.
Darlene: Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!
Becky: (To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.
Darlene: We walk to school together, like, every single day, you're outside every one of my classes, you put your arm around me in the hallway.
David: You're my girlfriend.
Darlene: Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DaviDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.
Darlene: (To David) Do you think you could keep your paws off me for like one minute?
David: I was just holding your hand.
Darlene: Well I'm sick of it, so back off, OK!
Becky: (To herself, still in her lonely funk) Oh God, I miss having a boyfriend.
Darlene: We walk to school together, like, every single day, you're outside every one of my classes, you put your arm around me in the hallway.
David: You're my girlfriend.
Darlene: Yeah, well I liked it better before when you were "David" and I was "Darlene." Now we're like this "DaviDarlene creature" like we were fused together in some nuclear accident.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [to D.J] Hey! Black people are just like us. They're every bit as good as us and any people who don't think so is just a bunch of banjo-picking, cousin-dating, barefoot embarrassments to respectable white-trash like us!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [after Dan comes back from "fixing" Crystal's thermostat] You just replaced that thermostat!
Dan: Well, apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.
Roseanne: Yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.
Dan: You know, I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
Jackie: No!
Dan: Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.
Dan: Well, apparently the house is still either too hot or too cold.
Roseanne: Yeah, because she's eight months pregnant and she keeps on having hot and cold flashes.
Dan: You know, I suggested that, but then she assured me that wasn't the case. Then she kicked me.
Jackie: No!
Dan: Then she started cryin' and there was no way I could kick her back.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: Where's Darlene?
Roseanne: Her and David got into a little tiff, so she's up in her room.
Dan: [referring to David, who's eating dinner with the family] What's he doing here?
Roseanne: Well, I had already invited him and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped a coin until he won.
Roseanne: Her and David got into a little tiff, so she's up in her room.
Dan: [referring to David, who's eating dinner with the family] What's he doing here?
Roseanne: Well, I had already invited him and then when she said it was either her or him, I flipped a coin until he won.
TV Show: Roseanne
[The phone rings]
D.J.: I'm not getting it anymore.
Roseanne: I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.
Dan: I'm not home.
Jackie: I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.
Becky: If it's Dean...
Jackie: If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.
David: Tell her I'm in the shower.
D.J.: I'm not getting it anymore.
Roseanne: I know that's Crystal. I've already talked to her fifty times today.
Dan: I'm not home.
Jackie: I'll get it. If it's Crystal, I'll talk to Crystal.
Becky: If it's Dean...
Jackie: If it's Dean or Dana, you're not home. I know. [into phone] Hello. Yeah. Yeah, just a second. [to David] David, it's your mom.
David: Tell her I'm in the shower.
TV Show: Roseanne
Crystal: [in labor] This better be a girl. It better be a girl.
Dan: Oh, come on now, Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.
Crystal: The hell I will!
Dan: Oh, come on now, Crystal. If it's a boy, you'll love it just as much.
Crystal: The hell I will!
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [after Crystal asks him to videotape the birth] I don't wanna look, Crystal, and you can't make me.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [after Jackie hangs up from talking with Bonnie] What'd she say?
Jackie: Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it because you're an idiot!
Roseanne: She called me an idiot?
Jackie: Well, Crystal just had a baby girl and we missed it because you're an idiot!
Roseanne: She called me an idiot?
TV Show: Roseanne
Arnie: C'mon, that's enough, I've been out of work before, nobody let ME win!
Dan: It's enough we let you sit at the grownups' table!
Dan: It's enough we let you sit at the grownups' table!
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: [on the phone with Bev] Oh hi Mom, this is Jackie. Happy Mother's Day. ... Yeah, yeah, it's a shame you can't say the same to me. ... Uh, so, did you get the slippers? ... Unique good or unique bad? ... ... Mom, don't you think that if I was dating somebody, I would tell you about it just to get you off my back? ... Oh, really. Well, go suck an egg. ... Huh? ... No! I did not! ... No, why would I say something like that? "Suck an egg" - I don't even know what that means! ... I'm telling you, I didn't say that. Must be a bad connection. So, listen Mom, Happy Mother's Day, and I'll tell Roseanne to give you a call when she gets up. ... Uh-huh, okay. [cheerfully] Bite me. [Hangs up]
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: First of all, let's just say that you going away for the weekend to a rock concert with the nearest adult five hours away, that was never going to happen, no matter how you sucked up.
Becky: Well, it's unanimous.
Darlene: Yeah, I'd say that about wraps it up.
Dan: I don't think so.
Becky: OK, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes. [she and Darlene snicker]
Dan: She's not gonna 'like, explode', she's too busy cryin' her eyes out. I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.
Becky: Oh, so then we're also supposed to apologize to---
Dan: SHUT UP! [to Darlene] And so I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too. Now, you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought that you were actually going to do something nice for her...you know, like you cared. And that would have been the very best thing you could've done for her today, but you just ruined it.
Darlene: Well, what should we do?
Dan: You're gonna make it up to her.
Becky: All right, we'll think of something---
Dan: No! No, you had your chance. Now it's my turn.
Becky: Well, it's unanimous.
Darlene: Yeah, I'd say that about wraps it up.
Dan: I don't think so.
Becky: OK, we'll apologize to her before she, like, explodes. [she and Darlene snicker]
Dan: She's not gonna 'like, explode', she's too busy cryin' her eyes out. I'm the one you gotta worry about, 'cause I'm VERY angry, and I don't like you very much right now.
Becky: Oh, so then we're also supposed to apologize to---
Dan: SHUT UP! [to Darlene] And so I don't have to say it again in a minute, you shut up, too. Now, you guys just don't get it. You see, she thought that you were actually going to do something nice for her...you know, like you cared. And that would have been the very best thing you could've done for her today, but you just ruined it.
Darlene: Well, what should we do?
Dan: You're gonna make it up to her.
Becky: All right, we'll think of something---
Dan: No! No, you had your chance. Now it's my turn.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [to Roseanne, who is setting the table] Stop. We're going out to dinner.
Roseanne: No, I don't want to eat with those girls. I just wanna have dinner and go to bed.
Dan: They're not coming. I'm punishing them.
Roseanne: Whoa!
Dan: Yes. And having to eat my chili is just the beginning. We'll decide the rest of their punishment over dinner. Let's go change.
Roseanne: But they hate ME, right?
Dan: Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME.
Roseanne: Oh Dan, that's just great! [hugs him]
Dan: Happy Mother's Day.
Roseanne: [smiles as they leave] Oh man, this is so much better than some ol' robe!
Roseanne: No, I don't want to eat with those girls. I just wanna have dinner and go to bed.
Dan: They're not coming. I'm punishing them.
Roseanne: Whoa!
Dan: Yes. And having to eat my chili is just the beginning. We'll decide the rest of their punishment over dinner. Let's go change.
Roseanne: But they hate ME, right?
Dan: Nope, that's the beauty of it, they hate ME.
Roseanne: Oh Dan, that's just great! [hugs him]
Dan: Happy Mother's Day.
Roseanne: [smiles as they leave] Oh man, this is so much better than some ol' robe!
TV Show: Roseanne
Lady at Beauty Salon: [showing Roseanne the results of her makeover] Well Mrs. Connor, what do you think?
Roseanne: Oh, I'm beautiful! I no longer have to think.
Roseanne: Oh, I'm beautiful! I no longer have to think.
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: [staring at the results of her makeover in the mirror] Oh my God, Happy Halloween.
Becky: What are you complaining about? You look better.
Becky: What are you complaining about? You look better.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [on the phone] Hello? ... Yeah, hi, Bev. ... Oh, good. [yells off set] Rosie! The kids got to your mother's, they're fine!
Roseanne: Great!
Dan: [on the phone] Oh no, you're welcome. They wanted to come. Hey, they're old enough to take a weekend trip by themselves. ... What's that noise? ... Oh, what a treat for the girls to meet your Garden Club! ... Does anyone there play the piano? ... Great! Darlene loves to sing show tunes. ... No, she's just being modest. Make her. ... Did you get your projector fixed? ... Grand! What's a weekend at Grandma's without all those wonderful vacation slides! ... No, we're just gonna have a little romantic weekend at home. ... All rightie, well, you enjoy your grandchildren. ... Okay, bite me. [hangs up]
Roseanne: Great!
Dan: [on the phone] Oh no, you're welcome. They wanted to come. Hey, they're old enough to take a weekend trip by themselves. ... What's that noise? ... Oh, what a treat for the girls to meet your Garden Club! ... Does anyone there play the piano? ... Great! Darlene loves to sing show tunes. ... No, she's just being modest. Make her. ... Did you get your projector fixed? ... Grand! What's a weekend at Grandma's without all those wonderful vacation slides! ... No, we're just gonna have a little romantic weekend at home. ... All rightie, well, you enjoy your grandchildren. ... Okay, bite me. [hangs up]
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [reading Arnie's letter after he leaves Nancy] Who are the Allens, and why are they out of spice?
Roseanne: Aliens, Dan, from outer space.
Dan: Oh, that does make more sense.
Roseanne: Aliens, Dan, from outer space.
Dan: Oh, that does make more sense.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: So, how many times have you been married, Nana Mary?
Nana Mary: I'm not sure. Uh...counting the cruises I've been on.
Nana Mary: I'm not sure. Uh...counting the cruises I've been on.
TV Show: Roseanne
Nancy: That is so weird that he said that, because I was abducted by aliens in woods just like these one time. For a month afterward, I could play World Champion Caliber Chess. And then it just went away.
TV Show: Roseanne
[Dan has returned home from the hospital after suffering a heart attack]
DJ: Dad, you're home! Did you bring me anything?
Dan: Yeah, the gene for an early heart attack.
DJ: Dad, you're home! Did you bring me anything?
Dan: Yeah, the gene for an early heart attack.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: You know, you act like you're the only one with problems around here.
Dan: Boy, you are the most selfish piece of work I've ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we are going through?
Becky: Do you have any idea what I'm going through? I mean, today may be the last I will ever see Mark again, OK.
Roseanne: Whoa. What are you talking about?
Becky: He got a job offer in Minneapolis; I'm telling him to take it and it is all 'cause of you.
Dan: Excuse me?
Becky: If you knew how to run a business he would still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything. You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!
Roseanne: Becky, you shut up.
Becky: Come on, Mother. You know it, everybody knows it, I'm the only one with the guts to say it!
Roseanne: Oh, honey, that's not true. I would have had the guts to say it.
Dan: : [while on the phone with Becky] What? What do you mean you got married?
Roseanne: : [through phone that Becky left off the hook] Is this some kind of a joke or something? If you aren't really married, i'm going to kill you. If you are really married, i'm going to kill you.
Dan: Boy, you are the most selfish piece of work I've ever seen in my life! Do you have any idea what we are going through?
Becky: Do you have any idea what I'm going through? I mean, today may be the last I will ever see Mark again, OK.
Roseanne: Whoa. What are you talking about?
Becky: He got a job offer in Minneapolis; I'm telling him to take it and it is all 'cause of you.
Dan: Excuse me?
Becky: If you knew how to run a business he would still have a job and he wouldn't be leaving. Now I don't have Mark, I don't have college, I don't have anything. You blew it, Dad! You blew it for everyone in this family!
Roseanne: Becky, you shut up.
Becky: Come on, Mother. You know it, everybody knows it, I'm the only one with the guts to say it!
Roseanne: Oh, honey, that's not true. I would have had the guts to say it.
Dan: : [while on the phone with Becky] What? What do you mean you got married?
Roseanne: : [through phone that Becky left off the hook] Is this some kind of a joke or something? If you aren't really married, i'm going to kill you. If you are really married, i'm going to kill you.
TV Show: Roseanne
(Darlene and David are watching TV when Becky and Mark come in)
Becky: Anybody home?
Darlene: Oh, look, it's Joanie and Chachi.
Mark: Hey little bro, how ya doin'?
David: Great, except thanks to you, I'm now related to my girlfriend.
Becky: Anybody home?
Darlene: Oh, look, it's Joanie and Chachi.
Mark: Hey little bro, how ya doin'?
David: Great, except thanks to you, I'm now related to my girlfriend.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: Where's Mom?
Darlene: She's in the kitchen...with the knives.
Mark: Want me to go in there with you?
Darlene: With the knives.
Darlene: She's in the kitchen...with the knives.
Mark: Want me to go in there with you?
Darlene: With the knives.
TV Show: Roseanne
(Becky's worried about facing Roseanne)
Darlene: If you lie still, she may just sniff you and leave you alone.
Darlene: If you lie still, she may just sniff you and leave you alone.
TV Show: Roseanne
Becky: Mom, Darlene won’t let me put the beds next to each other so Mark and I can sleep next to each other tonight.
Darlene: I am NOT moving into D.J.'s room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed!
Roseanne: Just so I know, who am I supposed to be mad at?
Darlene: I'm going to sit on my bed until morning.
Becky: Mark's my husband, mother, and we are not going to stay here unless we can sleep together.
Roseanne: Okay. Beat the hell out of this chicken.
Darlene: I am NOT moving into D.J.'s room so she and my dork-in-law can conceive some demon spawn in my bed!
Roseanne: Just so I know, who am I supposed to be mad at?
Darlene: I'm going to sit on my bed until morning.
Becky: Mark's my husband, mother, and we are not going to stay here unless we can sleep together.
Roseanne: Okay. Beat the hell out of this chicken.
TV Show: Roseanne
Mark: Dan, I think you and me should talk about this.
Dan: You're in my way. Are you going to move...or am I going to move you?
Dan: You're in my way. Are you going to move...or am I going to move you?
TV Show: Roseanne
(Squeaking from above Roseanne and Dan's bedroom. They think Becky and Mark are having sex)
Becky(from upstairs): Very funny, Darlene! Stop jumping on D.J.'s bed!
Becky(from upstairs): Very funny, Darlene! Stop jumping on D.J.'s bed!
TV Show: Roseanne
(Becky and Mark are getting ready to leave for Minneapolis)
Mark: Hey, I'm gonna take care of her. So back off.
Roseanne: Foolish boy. You know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore. I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well now I'm family, and you've seen the way I treat my family.
Mark: Hey, I'm gonna take care of her. So back off.
Roseanne: Foolish boy. You know nothing of my powers, do you? See, I'm not just some royal pain in your butt anymore. I'm your mother-in-law. You think I've made your life difficult so far? Well now I'm family, and you've seen the way I treat my family.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Darlene, D.J., get down here!
Becky: Bye, D.J.
D.J.: See ya! (Runs off)
Roseanne: I hope you know how hard that was for him.
Becky: Bye, D.J.
D.J.: See ya! (Runs off)
Roseanne: I hope you know how hard that was for him.
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Take it easy.
Becky: You too.
Darlene: I'll miss you.
Becky: Will you call?
Darlene: Promise. I love you, Becky.
Becky: I love you, Darlene.
Darlene: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Becky: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Roseanne: All right, knock it off.
Darlene: See you, bubble butt.
Becky: Later, Morticia.
Becky: You too.
Darlene: I'll miss you.
Becky: Will you call?
Darlene: Promise. I love you, Becky.
Becky: I love you, Darlene.
Darlene: Did you ever know that you're my hero?
Becky: You are the wind beneath my wings.
Roseanne: All right, knock it off.
Darlene: See you, bubble butt.
Becky: Later, Morticia.
TV Show: Roseanne