Roseanne Quotes
Roseanne: I'm not ready to become a grandmother.
Darlene: Nothing happened last night, I told you.
Roseanne: Oh Darlene, he spent the whole night here in your room. I'm not stupid.
Darlene: Well neither am I. First of all I don't want to have sex yet. And second you think I'd do it with you twenty feet away?
Roseanne: Why not? You can do it real quiet without us knowing about it.
Darlene: Really? You can't!
Darlene: Nothing happened last night, I told you.
Roseanne: Oh Darlene, he spent the whole night here in your room. I'm not stupid.
Darlene: Well neither am I. First of all I don't want to have sex yet. And second you think I'd do it with you twenty feet away?
Roseanne: Why not? You can do it real quiet without us knowing about it.
Darlene: Really? You can't!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You mean you can hear us?
Darlene: Last night, I had to tell David you were moving furniture.
Darlene: Last night, I had to tell David you were moving furniture.
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: I can't believe I'm going through with this. Well, maybe I'll get lucky and choke on my free meal at Lenny's.
Dan: Denny's.
Dan: Denny's.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Hey Darlene, think fast! [throws her a set of car keys]
Darlene: What are these for?
Dan: Well, it's amazing. Becky's car seems to be running fine now. [hand Darlene an envelope] And here. I think this ought to be enough here to buy you and your fellow creatures of the night dinner and a movie. They're waiting for you at the Pizza King.
Roseanne: Surprise! We want you to leave!
Darlene: Yes! That's just what I always wanted!
Roseanne: Well, I know my kid.
Darlene: So what, you mean this whole party thing was a big joke? You put me through hell.
Roseanne: Well, that was kinda for us.
Dan: "Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore." Sucker!
Roseanne: What? You're not gone yet?
Darlene: Leaving.
Roseanne: Oh, Darlene?
Darlene: Yes?
Roseanne: [sighs] I hate your hair.
Darlene: [smiles] Thanks, Mommy!
Darlene: What are these for?
Dan: Well, it's amazing. Becky's car seems to be running fine now. [hand Darlene an envelope] And here. I think this ought to be enough here to buy you and your fellow creatures of the night dinner and a movie. They're waiting for you at the Pizza King.
Roseanne: Surprise! We want you to leave!
Darlene: Yes! That's just what I always wanted!
Roseanne: Well, I know my kid.
Darlene: So what, you mean this whole party thing was a big joke? You put me through hell.
Roseanne: Well, that was kinda for us.
Dan: "Maybe she just doesn't know how to tell you she loves you anymore." Sucker!
Roseanne: What? You're not gone yet?
Darlene: Leaving.
Roseanne: Oh, Darlene?
Darlene: Yes?
Roseanne: [sighs] I hate your hair.
Darlene: [smiles] Thanks, Mommy!
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: I'll take this one. Truth or dare?
Roseanne: Truth.
Jackie: Okay. Wouldn't you really like to be partners with me and Nancy in our new restaurant?
Roseanne: You and Nancy?
Nancy: Yeah, I'm going into the business too. Isn't that wild?
Roseanne: You guys are gonna do it without me?
Jackie: You said you didn't want to do it.
Roseanne: No, I didn't! I said I couldn't do it!
Jackie: What's the difference?
Roseanne: There's a huge difference, Jackie. "I don't want to do it" means you can go ahead and do it yourself, but "I can't do it" means you can't do it either!
Roseanne: Truth.
Jackie: Okay. Wouldn't you really like to be partners with me and Nancy in our new restaurant?
Roseanne: You and Nancy?
Nancy: Yeah, I'm going into the business too. Isn't that wild?
Roseanne: You guys are gonna do it without me?
Jackie: You said you didn't want to do it.
Roseanne: No, I didn't! I said I couldn't do it!
Jackie: What's the difference?
Roseanne: There's a huge difference, Jackie. "I don't want to do it" means you can go ahead and do it yourself, but "I can't do it" means you can't do it either!
TV Show: Roseanne
Young Roseanne: You shouldn't eat that, Jackie.
Young Jackie: Hey, you're not the boss of me, Roseanne.
Young Roseanne: [chuckles] Oh, right.
Young Jackie: Why shouldn't I eat it?
Young Roseanne: Well, everyone knows they put poison, and razor blades in those. Better give it to me.
Young Jackie: That's stupid, that's not really true. [bites into a piece of candy] See? I'm okay.
Young Roseanne: Oh, I guess you're right. [bites into a piece of an apple and pretends to bleed out of her mouth, prompting Jackie to scream and run. Young Roseanne laughs and the candy to herself]
Adult Roseanne: [with Ghost of Halloween Past] You know what the best part was? I used to sell that candy back to her later.
Young Jackie: Hey, you're not the boss of me, Roseanne.
Young Roseanne: [chuckles] Oh, right.
Young Jackie: Why shouldn't I eat it?
Young Roseanne: Well, everyone knows they put poison, and razor blades in those. Better give it to me.
Young Jackie: That's stupid, that's not really true. [bites into a piece of candy] See? I'm okay.
Young Roseanne: Oh, I guess you're right. [bites into a piece of an apple and pretends to bleed out of her mouth, prompting Jackie to scream and run. Young Roseanne laughs and the candy to herself]
Adult Roseanne: [with Ghost of Halloween Past] You know what the best part was? I used to sell that candy back to her later.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: [dressed as decapitated Marie Antoinette holding her own head (Jackie)] I'm sorry Jackie, I'm not going in the ladies room, you're just going to have to hold it!
Jackie: I've got to go sometime, Dan.
Dan: Maybe you should just try slowing down at the bar!
Jackie: Don't tell me what to do, Dan! I'm doing you a favor just wearing this thing.
Dan: Oh, yeah, like I'm sure the real Marie Antoinette drank so much beer!
Jackie: I've got to go sometime, Dan.
Dan: Maybe you should just try slowing down at the bar!
Jackie: Don't tell me what to do, Dan! I'm doing you a favor just wearing this thing.
Dan: Oh, yeah, like I'm sure the real Marie Antoinette drank so much beer!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: [having seen her future self—a stereotypical housewife] Oh my God, I've become what I hate most.
Ghost of Halloween Future: Not yet. You must go farther into the future to see where this path will lead you.
Roseanne: I don't want to.
Ghost of Halloween Future: You grew to be an elderly divorced woman, living with your spinster sister.
Roseanne: Oh my God, I'm living with Jackie? I don't wanna see any more.
Jackie: Come on, Roseanne, we don't wanna be late.
Bev: All right, Jackie, I'm all set.
Roseanne: Why is my mother here?
Ghost of Halloween Future: That's not your mother, Roseanne. That's you.
Ghost of Halloween Future: Not yet. You must go farther into the future to see where this path will lead you.
Roseanne: I don't want to.
Ghost of Halloween Future: You grew to be an elderly divorced woman, living with your spinster sister.
Roseanne: Oh my God, I'm living with Jackie? I don't wanna see any more.
Jackie: Come on, Roseanne, we don't wanna be late.
Bev: All right, Jackie, I'm all set.
Roseanne: Why is my mother here?
Ghost of Halloween Future: That's not your mother, Roseanne. That's you.
TV Show: Roseanne
Molly: They're so cute. Which one do you want?
Darlene: The one who'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.
Darlene: The one who'll kill you and stuff you into a trunk.
TV Show: Roseanne
[Sean tries to put his arm around Darlene]
Darlene: Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.
Darlene: Any part of you that touches me, you're not getting back.
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Can we get out of here? It's been like, an hour and a half.
Molly: It's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, OK?
Darlene: Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.
Molly: It's my car and I'm not ready to go. I'm still looking for the perfect guy, OK?
Darlene: Oh, it's a good thing we're in a parking lot full of drunken losers. It shouldn't be hard to spot that white horse.
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Just stop right there, Ponyboy. You and the rest of your Outsiders can go rumble someplace else.
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: I'm gonna go stand in the middle of the street so the first thing she sees when she pulls up is my head exploding.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Where the hell have you been?
Darlene: Trying to get home. That skankwoman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to hail a cab.
Dan: I don't care what your story is. The rule is, you call.
Darlene: It was a rough neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.
Darlene: Trying to get home. That skankwoman Molly left me stranded in the parking lot so she could jump in a van with some guys after the concert. I finally had to hail a cab.
Dan: I don't care what your story is. The rule is, you call.
Darlene: It was a rough neighborhood. When I finally found a phone booth, I got tired of waiting for the guy in it to finish peeing.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Cut the crap, OK? You're talking to Darlene's mother, the mother of all mothers, and she is majorly mad.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Molly, Molly, Molly. I have raised two of the best damn liars in the free world. Don't embarrass yourself.
TV Show: Roseanne
Molly: I don't have to listen to this.
Roseanne: Oh, but I think you do. Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're going to be extra careful, because Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.
Roseanne: Oh, but I think you do. Now, you want to screw up your life, I don't care. But when you leave this house with a Conner kid, you're going to be extra careful, because Darlene is one of the few things we own outright.
TV Show: Roseanne
Darlene: Say this guy's in front of you, and he's got the puck. What do you do?
D.J.: Try to steal it from him.
Darlene: No. You do this. [She hits a cracker hard with her fist, crushing it on the table.] Any questions?
D.J.: Try to steal it from him.
Darlene: No. You do this. [She hits a cracker hard with her fist, crushing it on the table.] Any questions?
TV Show: Roseanne
Dan: There's a lot of excitement here at the Lanford Arena as we enter the second period of the Otters' home opener. The goalie is back from the restroom, and the action is resuming. The Cinderella story of the evening continues to be young D.J. Conner, on the ice much to the surprise of his entire family! There's a breakaway! There's a breakaway! Young Conner moves towards the goal! He shoots! Oh! He forgot the puck!
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne, Dan, Darlene: (cheering DJ as he leaves the penalty box) D.J., D.J., D.J., D.J.... (Unseen hard hit) Oooohhh!!!
(Ref puts DJ back in the box to the boos of the crowd)
Woman at Game: Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?
(Roseanne, Dan, and Darlene sit back, smiling proudly)
(Ref puts DJ back in the box to the boos of the crowd)
Woman at Game: Where does a kid get that kind of hostility?
(Roseanne, Dan, and Darlene sit back, smiling proudly)
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: Well Dan, I guess you're just so proud of your kid, ramming people and smashing into them that you had to celebrate by giving him his very first sip of beer!
Dan: I had to. The hooker made him nervous.
Dan: I had to. The hooker made him nervous.
TV Show: Roseanne
Jackie: (after telling Roseanne that she won't be going to her house for Christmas) I'm sorry, but Fisher and I are a new couple and we're just trying to develop some us time.
Roseanne: Oh GOD, that's totally gross! That is your therapist talking!
Jackie: Oh it couldn't be because I stopped going to my therapist.
Roseanne: Why? You can't be cured.
Jackie: Fisher says I don't need it anymore. He says I'm able to make my own decisions.
Roseanne: Hey, I'll be the one that tells you when you're able to make your own decisions.
Roseanne: Oh GOD, that's totally gross! That is your therapist talking!
Jackie: Oh it couldn't be because I stopped going to my therapist.
Roseanne: Why? You can't be cured.
Jackie: Fisher says I don't need it anymore. He says I'm able to make my own decisions.
Roseanne: Hey, I'll be the one that tells you when you're able to make your own decisions.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: You think you're the only person that's been through stuff? I've been through stuff. But you know, I still believe in God, you know, I mean, I'd like to believe that all of the horrible, hideous crap that I have to wallow through every single day of my life, could some point I would find out the meaning to, and the reason for, I mean, so I can be happy, you know what I mean, there is a God..there is...I swear to God there is a God. And if there ain't, I've been screwed.
TV Show: Roseanne
Bev: [seeing Roseanne and Jackie decorating an asleep Nana Mary] Girls, stop that, you're being stupid and childish. Everyone knows you string lights from the top.
TV Show: Roseanne
Mrs. Healey: What the hell do you care? You really want to know what I was doing tonight, because I will tell you.
David: Shut up, mom!
Mrs. Healey: Don't you tell me to shut up! This is my house!
David: Why did you even come home?
Mrs. Healey: You apologize! (slaps David) You apologize to me!
David: I'm sorry.
Mrs. Healey: Telling me what to do, when you got you're little girlfriend, spending the night? Dragging Conner trash over here. Another slut just like her sister! (storms upstairs)
David: Darlene, I'm...I'm sorry.
Darlene: Hey..."slut" didn't bother me. "Just like her sister" part that hurt.
David: Shut up, mom!
Mrs. Healey: Don't you tell me to shut up! This is my house!
David: Why did you even come home?
Mrs. Healey: You apologize! (slaps David) You apologize to me!
David: I'm sorry.
Mrs. Healey: Telling me what to do, when you got you're little girlfriend, spending the night? Dragging Conner trash over here. Another slut just like her sister! (storms upstairs)
David: Darlene, I'm...I'm sorry.
Darlene: Hey..."slut" didn't bother me. "Just like her sister" part that hurt.
TV Show: Roseanne
Roseanne: So, uh, what time did Nancy and Marla leave?
Dan: About an hour ago. After their sixth encounter under the mistletoe.
Roseanne: Well, you know what they say, Dan, every time lesbians kiss another angel gets her wings.
Dan: About an hour ago. After their sixth encounter under the mistletoe.
Roseanne: Well, you know what they say, Dan, every time lesbians kiss another angel gets her wings.
TV Show: Roseanne