Saturday Night Live Quotes
Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm God! Let's take a look at tonight's top stories, shall we?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Ugandan dictator Idi Amin has decided to go under species change surgery. If the surgery was successful, he will take a career on American television. However, if the surgery is unsuccessful, he will eat American television.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: (on the phone) Don't worry. I'll do Jiminy Cricket.
(makes a Jiminy Cricket face, then sings)
(makes a Jiminy Cricket face, then sings)
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
When you wish upon a star,
your..
(realized he's on the air and hangs up)
Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and I don't like you.
your..
(realized he's on the air and hangs up)
Chevy Chase: Good evening, I'm Chevy Chase, and I don't like you.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Catherine the Great: Oh well, I guess I am queen. And a queen is a queen. But I am also a woman. And a woman is a woman.
Snowball: And a horse is a horse.
Catherine the Great: Of course, of course.
Snowball: And a horse is a horse.
Catherine the Great: Of course, of course.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Well, on the warmmer, happier side of life, far from the stories which seem sad or tragic, baby gorilla Boom-Boom was flown by Concorde from Paris to Washington last Thursday, to join the Ringling Bros. Barnum and Bailey's Zoo & Circus. Boom-Boom enchanted passengers and stewardesses during the three-and-a-half hour flight by dancing in the aisles, making cute noises, and breaking into the cockpit and ripping apart the face of the captain, mutiliating the navigator, and crash-landing the jet in Greenland. One humorous note: There are no survivors.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chevy Chase: Well, the results of the election are in. Gerald Ford: 0. Jimmy Carter: 0. More on this as it develops.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jane Curtin: Actress Sally Field is making a comeback, in a 4-hour drama, Sybil, to be televised tomorrow night on NBC. Adapted from the book, "Sybil" is a story of a woman who took refuge in sixteen different personalities. Sally welcomes the challenge of this role, and feels confident to pull it off. As she recently told the reporter: "Thank you, it's nice to be here." "Should I check your oil, ma'am?" "And now it's time to play, Double Jeopardy!" "We'll call this baby... Jesus." "Je m'appel Henri!" "Franklin, stop playing with that and come to bed!" "Good Yante, Rabbi." "I do." "Who is this masked man?" "I'm Chevy Chase, and you're not!" "Come on, Sandy, we gotta find Daddy Warbucks!" "$20 for me, $10 for the hotel." "Every boy wants a Hasbro toy!" "Hey, Abbotttt!" "I am not a crook!" Lassie, it's me Timmy!" "And as god as my witness, I'll never be hungry again."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to 'Turd Ferguson'.
Burt Reynolds: It's a funny name.
Alex Trebek: No, it isn't.
Burt Reynolds: It's a funny name.
Alex Trebek: No, it isn't.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Bruce Dickinson: Gentlemen, I put my pants on like you: one leg at a time. Except, once my pants are on I make gold records.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Bruce Dickinson: I got a fever! And the only prescription is more cowbell!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Peter: [on the phone] Hello? Hello?
Jimmy Carter: Yes. Hello, Peter?
Peter: [on the phone] Is this the President?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, it is.
Walter Cronkite: Do you have a question for the President?
Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. I uh.. I took some acid.. I'm afraid to leave my apartment, and I can't wear any clothes.. and the ceiling is dripping, and uh..
Walter Cronkite: Well, thanks you very much for calling, sir..
Jimmy Carter: Just a minute, Walter, this guy's in trouble. I think I better try to talk him down. Peter?
Peter: [on the phone] Yeah..?
Jimmy Carter: Peter, what did the acid look like?
Peter: [on the phone] They were these little orange pills.
Jimmy Carter: Were they barrel shaped?
Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. yes.
Jimmy Carter: Okay, right, you did some orange sunshine, Peter.
Peter: [on the phone] Very good of you to know that, sir.
Jimmy Carter: How long ago did you take it, Peter.
Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. I don't know. I can't read my watch.
Jimmy Carter: Alright, Peter, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You're very high right now. You will probably be that way for five more hours. Try taking some Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C complex.. if you have beer, go ahead and drink it.
Peter: [on the phone] Okay..
Jimmy Carter: Just remember you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe. You've just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside, and listen to some music. Do you have any Allman Brothers?
Peter: [on the phone] Yes, I do, sir. Everything is okay, huh Jimmy?
Jimmy Carter: It sure is, Peter. You know, I'm against drug use myself, but I'm not going to lay that on you right now. Just mellow out the best you can, ok
Jimmy Carter: Yes. Hello, Peter?
Peter: [on the phone] Is this the President?
Jimmy Carter: Yes, it is.
Walter Cronkite: Do you have a question for the President?
Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. I uh.. I took some acid.. I'm afraid to leave my apartment, and I can't wear any clothes.. and the ceiling is dripping, and uh..
Walter Cronkite: Well, thanks you very much for calling, sir..
Jimmy Carter: Just a minute, Walter, this guy's in trouble. I think I better try to talk him down. Peter?
Peter: [on the phone] Yeah..?
Jimmy Carter: Peter, what did the acid look like?
Peter: [on the phone] They were these little orange pills.
Jimmy Carter: Were they barrel shaped?
Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. yes.
Jimmy Carter: Okay, right, you did some orange sunshine, Peter.
Peter: [on the phone] Very good of you to know that, sir.
Jimmy Carter: How long ago did you take it, Peter.
Peter: [on the phone] Uh.. I don't know. I can't read my watch.
Jimmy Carter: Alright, Peter, just listen. Everything is going to be fine. You're very high right now. You will probably be that way for five more hours. Try taking some Vitamin B complex, Vitamin C complex.. if you have beer, go ahead and drink it.
Peter: [on the phone] Okay..
Jimmy Carter: Just remember you're a living organism on this planet, and you're very safe. You've just taken a heavy drug. Relax, stay inside, and listen to some music. Do you have any Allman Brothers?
Peter: [on the phone] Yes, I do, sir. Everything is okay, huh Jimmy?
Jimmy Carter: It sure is, Peter. You know, I'm against drug use myself, but I'm not going to lay that on you right now. Just mellow out the best you can, ok
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jane Curtin: According to a book published this week, that not only George Washington has wooden teeth, but America's first president also had a wooden eye, a wooden leg, four wooden toes, a wooden wrist, a wooden spleen, and a wooden prostate gland. In fact, he was the rowboat that crossed Delaware. Don't you love history?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Gags Beasley: Remember this: There is a thin line between comedy and humor.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jane Curtin: Well, Watergate cover-up co-conspirators John Mitchell, John E. Erlichman, and Cubby Haldeman have been signed on as Mouseketeers on the Mickey Mouse Club TV series. When asked to comment on this unusual move, the three defendants quote in unison, "Why, because we like you!"
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Emily Litella: [her phone messenge] Hello, this is Emily Litella. I'm not home right now. But I will call you back as soon as possible. Just leave your name, number, and what time you called, after you hear the sound of the jeep.[beep]
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jane Curtin: Today was the 102nd running of the Preakness, and our Update sports team was there, where we not only covered the race but also attached a microphone to the jockey of the race's winner, Seattle Slew.
[cut to stock footage of the race]
Jockey: [voiceover] Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey.. hey.. aiiee..! Ow-ay.. ow..! Ow.. ow.!
Horse: [voiceover] It's okay, we'll be alright!
Jockey: [voiceover] Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!
Horse: [voiceover] We're okay!
Jockey: [voiceover] I know, my- ow!
Horse: [voiceover] Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!
Jockey: [voiceover] Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts-- aiieee! Ow..!
Horse: [voiceover] Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy!
[cut back to Jane Curtin at the news deck]
Jane Curtin: A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.
[cut to stock footage of the race]
Jockey: [voiceover] Ouch..! Ouch..! Ow..! Oh, boy..! Hey.. hey.. aiiee..! Ow-ay.. ow..! Ow.. ow.!
Horse: [voiceover] It's okay, we'll be alright!
Jockey: [voiceover] Okay. Oh..! Ow..! Ow..!
Horse: [voiceover] We're okay!
Jockey: [voiceover] I know, my- ow!
Horse: [voiceover] Ohhh, I told you, Wilbur!
Jockey: [voiceover] Ow, I wish I was wearing my jockey shorts-- aiieee! Ow..!
Horse: [voiceover] Oh boy, Wilbur! Oh..! Good boy!
[cut back to Jane Curtin at the news deck]
Jane Curtin: A footnote to the race: the other favorite, Run Dusty Run, not noted for being a good loser, threw a tantrum and had to be dragged away kicking and screaming.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dan Aykroyd: During the Lance Hearings, Sen. Charles Percy has been inaccurately accused of tax fraud and embezzlement. Percy later apologized, saying that anyone can make a mistake. Well this story has JUST come in: In 1946, while in the navy, Percy has sex with a polar bear.
Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a report that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [looks offscreen] Will someone check that out?
Jane Curtin: Uh, wait a minute, Dan. We just had a report that that story is inaccurate. But we do have this, uh, from one of our sources: In 1972, Percy personally ordered the assassination of baseball player Roberto Clemente.
Dan Aykroyd: Uh, this bulletin is JUST coming in, Jane: That last story is, in fact, inaccurate, but we DO have information that in 1957, Percy ordered the assassination of a polar bear while having SEX with Roberto Clemente. More on that story, uh, when we get some of the facts. [looks offscreen] Will someone check that out?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[Beginning of Weekend Update]
Don Pardo: [voiceover] And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd: [shocked] What?!
Don Pardo: [voiceover] [apologetic] Sorry, old script.
Don Pardo: [voiceover] And now, Weekend Update with Chevy Chase!
Jane Curtin and Dan Aykroyd: [shocked] What?!
Don Pardo: [voiceover] [apologetic] Sorry, old script.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[fake NBC title card of "The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground"]
Don Pardo: [voiceover] The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground will not be seen tonight, so that NBC will air the following special program.
Don Pardo: [voiceover] The Little House on The Praire Burns To The Ground will not be seen tonight, so that NBC will air the following special program.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[On Weekend Update, while Emily Litella is telling Chevy Chase that she missed him, Jane Curtin is not happy]
Jane Curtin: [angrily] Emily?! What are you doing here?! SCRAM!
Emily Litella: Oh, go to hell, Miss Clayton.
Jane Curtin: [angrily] Emily?! What are you doing here?! SCRAM!
Emily Litella: Oh, go to hell, Miss Clayton.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Todd: Mr. Brighton? Did I sent you the letter?
Mr. Brighton: I don't know.
Todd: Because I forgot to stamp it!
[Todd crushed Mr. Brighton's toes with his foot]
Lisa Loopner: Your fly's open, Mr. Brighton.
Mr. Brighton: [fuming] YES, I KNOW!
[Mr. Brighton left the Loopner household abruptly]
Mr. Brighton: I don't know.
Todd: Because I forgot to stamp it!
[Todd crushed Mr. Brighton's toes with his foot]
Lisa Loopner: Your fly's open, Mr. Brighton.
Mr. Brighton: [fuming] YES, I KNOW!
[Mr. Brighton left the Loopner household abruptly]
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dan Aykroyd: This just in, Garrett Morris is dead. A group of 8 youths has fatally shot the late Update correspondant at the kids' playground. Another paraquat-related death.
Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
Jane Curtin: Hoping your news is good news. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jane Curtin: Our top story tonight: The New York Yankees evened the World Series with two games apiece this afternoon, with a 4-3 victory over the Los Angeles Dodgers. [audience cheers and applauds] Though thrilled about today's victory, millionaire-owner George Steinbrenner, in what he said was a precautionary move to ensure another world championship, purchased the entire Los Angeles Dodgers team, and immediately enstated Billy Martin as the Dodgers' manager for the rest of the series.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Bill Murray: Punk rock star, Sid Vicious, was arraigned yesterday in the night of the killing of his girlfriend. Vicious' lawyer said that it may be difficult to get a fair trial for the ex-Sex Pistol, considering his name. So, during the proceedings, Sid will change his name from "Sid Vicious" to "Sidney, Not Such a Bad Guy Once You Get To Know Him."
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
[Richard Nixon showed his family his new political slogan that promotes his reformed personality]
Richard Nixon: I got a million slogans. "The New Dick!" It is nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.
Pat Nixon: It's short and sweet, but I don't think everyone will see it.
Richard Nixon: I got a million slogans. "The New Dick!" It is nice? Short, sweet, and everyone wants to see.
Pat Nixon: It's short and sweet, but I don't think everyone will see it.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Chico Escuela: Beil Murray is berry, berry, good to me and Hane Curtin is a sarcastic bisch.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live