Saturday Night Live Quotes
Norm Macdonald: Actor Christian Slater was let out of prison for one night to attend the premiere of his new movie Hard Rain. Fifteen minutes into the film, Mr. Slater asked to be escorted back to prison.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm Macdonald: Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm Macdonald: The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Tim Meadows: Did he say anything about people getting hurt?
Lorne Michaels: He said something after the ratings thing, but I really wasn't listening.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Kevin Nealon: [adding onto a report on the Weekend Update] ... and in addition, two plus two equals four.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Kevin Nealon: [after the audience groans at a gag on "Weekend Update"] Don't blame me. I just thought of it, wrote it, and delivered it.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Kevin Nealon: In health news, scientists have announced the invention of a women's condom. The condom works by fitting snugly over a woman's wine glass.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Debbie Downer: [meeting Paris Hilton] Hi, it's nice to meet you. I really enjoy your show. Isn't it embarassing to dress like a slut all of the time?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Mrs. T.: [Commercial for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix] [shouting]
Mrs. T.: 'scuse me! It's me and my husband, Mr. T for Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix!I pity the fool how doesn't use it! I'll kill him to death, but I'll pity him first!
Mr. T.: I pity the foo'!
Mrs. T.: First, take some vodka! Then add Mr. and Mrs. T Bloody Mary Mix! Then drink it! That's bad! Grrrr! So get Mr. and Mrs. T's Bloody Mary Mix!
Mr. T.: Buy it or I'll kill ya!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jimmy Fallon: [Announcer: Z-105] AND WE'RE BACK! Uh oh, we got a special guest in the house. Your old co-star from Full House, Dave Coulier, just walked in. Hey how's it going, Dave? [as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: Hello, Mr. Coulier. [as Tyrone]
Jimmy Fallon: Yo what up, D.C.? [as himself]
Jimmy Fallon: Can you do me a favor, Dave? Can you talk like Bullwinkle for me? I love when you do that? [as Bullwinkle]
Jimmy Fallon: Hey Mayr-Kate and Ashley, watch me pull a rabbit out of my hat. [as himself]
Jimmy Fallon: Ah man, he's doing Bullwinkle. That's awesome, man. [as Bullwinkle]
Jimmy Fallon: And one thing I remember about Mary-Kate and Ashley was that when they were on the set, they were always pooping their pants.
Ashley Olsen: We were babies.
Jimmy Fallon: [blows raspberry] Oh they're at it again! I've never seen this.
Mary-Kate Olsen: Okay, we're gonna go.
Jimmy Fallon: [Blows another raspberry] Oh you ARE going. You keep going. Oh my God, gross. We'll be right back.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Jimmy Fallon: Folks, we got our intern Sanji joining us. Now Sanji loved your movie. What do you think, Sanji? [In Indian accent]
Jimmy Fallon: Ra da da da da da da da da da. Oh my God, I loved New York Minute. I love it, my favorite movie.
Ashley Olsen: Thank you, Sanji.
Jimmy Fallon: [as Radio DJ] No wait a minute. Sanji, you actually liked the movie? [as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: Oh yes. New York Minute, a very good movie. Ra da da da da da da da. [In black accent]
Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, hold up. [In regular voice]
Jimmy Fallon: Uh oh, Tyrone Washington, our weather guy is just joining us. [as Tyrone]
Jimmy Fallon: Yo, Sanji, the only reason why your Arab ass liked that movie is because it was set in New York and it was a bomb. [as himself]
Jimmy Fallon: Now Tyrone, come on man, that was below the line. [as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: You son of a bitch, I am not an Arab. I told you this many times. [as Tyone]
Jimmy Fallon: Oh yeah then why do you got a turbin on your head? [as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: I told you I am a sheik. Why do you wear that Mets jersey? You play for the freaking Mets? [as another man]
Jimmy Fallon: I think Sanji's gonna blow up the place, y'all. [as Tyrone]
Jimmy Fallon: I will kill you! [as Sanji]
Jimmy Fallon: I don't know what to do. Ra da da da da da da. [as himself]
Jimmy Fallon: Hey guys, guys, guys. Calm down. Calm down.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Tina Fey: In other news, Courtney Love took out a restraining order against an alleged stalker this week. Courtney, please, I know we can work it out if you'll give me a chance, please [blows a kiss]
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Sean Connery: Knock, knock.
Alex Trebek: Who's there?
Sean Connery: Me, the guy who slept with your mother last night!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Antonio Banderas: I think I just coughed up my nards. No, wait, it could be grapes. No, it is my nards.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Host: Good evening. I'm Lawrence Flyshacker, and welcome to, "The Real Story." Tonight we continue our series on the U.S. Presidents. You know history often whitewashes itself? For example, for years it was thought that Thomas Jefferson was a man, and that his wife slept around... whereas we now know the opposite to be true. Tonight we'll go behind another of history's myths to learn, "The Real Story."
Abraham Lincoln: [Lincoln enters Ford's Theatre box, loudly and apparently drunk] Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me! Excuse me. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. [plops into his seat]
Abraham Lincoln: Sorry I'm late, guys, but I was freeing some Negroes! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
General: That's perfectly all right, Mr. President.
Abraham Lincoln: [Throwing his arm around his wife's shoulders] Hey, hey, hey, is this a First Lady or WHAT, huh? I just hope I'm her first man!
Mary Lincoln: Abraham, please, the play!
Abraham Lincoln: Oh, I've seen it five times, Mary...
Theatre patron: Yeah, well, some of US haven't!
Abraham Lincoln: [stands up and jeers him] Oh, well, hey, pardon me, pal, huh? What am I, just the President of the United STATES!
Abraham Lincoln: [loudly eating a candy bar; audience shushes him] SORRY! Oh, hey, I love this part! I love this. Watch this. Listen to how she tells this jerk off. Watch this.
Abraham Lincoln: [calls toward the stage] Hey, hey! You tell him, honey! YEAH! WHOOOOO! [sits back down]
Abraham Lincoln: Some people, they just don't know how to enjoy theatre.
Theatre patron: Hey, quiet down, will ya?
Abraham Lincoln: [stands up] Hey, stick it here, pal! [knocks drink and popcorn off balcony]
Abraham Lincoln: Whoa!
Theatre patron: Watch it!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Medical Reporter: [singing] Everybody doesn't like something; but nobody doesn't like... orgasms. For years it was thought that there was only one type of orgasm; however, thanks to research and our new found friend Mr. G-Spot, scientists have been able to identify several different types of orgasms. For example, people who have sex in sports cars experience Four-on-the-Floorgasms. Women who have sex with a few good men have Marine Corpsgasms; while Lou Grant experienced Mary Tyler Mooregasms. Mrs. Abraham Lincoln often had Four Scoregasms. Newlyweds often have Lets-do-it-'til-we're soregasms, while married couples later have I've-got-mine-you-get-yourgasms. Incidentally, women who are still having trouble reaching orgasm should call this man. [Shows picture]
Medical Reporter: His name is Tim Kazurinsky and he is available at any time to help you with this problem.
Brad Hall: Wait a minute. This is the worst thing you have ever done. Go, just leave.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Lindsay Lohan: Darn it, Debbie! You are not going to spoil my visit to Disney World! Now, I didn't say anything at "It's a Small World" when you went on about low birth weight in babies or during the fireworks when you started talking about Feline AIDS...
Debbie Downer: It's still the number one cause of death among domestic cats [frustrated, Lindsay leaves]
Debbie Downer: By the way, don't forget the sunscreen. I had a mole looked at the other day and the doctor said that based on the size and shape of the edges, I am flirting with that melanoma thing. [everyone else at the table gets up to leave]
Debbie Downer: OK, I guess I'll meet you all later at my favorite ride; The Hall of Presidents. You know they never did catch that anthrax guy.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dennis Miller: [after Jon Lovitz returns to the "Weekend Update" desk to lick his face] Licked by Lovitz... what concentric circle of hell is that?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dennis Miller: [picture of Vice Presidential Candidate Dan Quayle] What's the difference between these two spherical objects? Eventually, the one on the left will have a light in it. [laughter and applause, some ooohs]
Dennis Miller: [turns to camera] Sorry, Dan-o, you make it too damn easy. [laughs]
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Dennis Miller: [singing an off-key, parodied version of Cat Stevens' "Moonshadow."] I'm being followed by a big Muslim, big Muslim, big Muslim. Biiiig Muslim, Big Muslim! [smirks at cheering audience, goes on to sing "Father and Son"]
Dennis Miller: If it was them, I'd agree, but it was not me, it's so hard, so hard, and now I must go away. [turns to other camera, smirking while audience cheers]
Dennis Miller: [swings chair back around to face other camera, this time singing "Wild World"] Ooooooh, baby, baby, it's a wild world! [makes guitar sound]
Dennis Miller: Ba-na-na-na-na!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Nadine: [Nadine is working the exchange desk at a department store] Sir, what happens when you cook greens on low heat?
Customer #1: Uh, you simmer them?
Nadine: Opposite of up?
Customer #2: Uh, down?
Nadine: Not later but...?
Customer #1: Now?
Nadine: [slams hand on counter] [shouts]
Nadine: Simma down now! Simma down!
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Joe Piscopo: Good evening. I'm Joe Piscopo. This year marks the 20th anniversary of the death of President John F. Kennedy. We've brought together these three people to share with us their members of the day they learned that President Kennedy had been shot. Jim, let's start with you. What were you doing when you heard President Kennedy had been shot?
James Belushi: Well, I was in college and I was walking across the quad to call and this guy runs up and says 'President Kennedy has been shot', so I...
Joe Piscopo: Wait; how old are you?
James Belushi: I'm 26. So anyway, I went looking for a TV and...
Joe Piscopo: Wait a minute. You're telling us you were in college at age 6?
James Belushi: No, I was 19. Anyway...
Joe Piscopo: WAit a minute! You didn't know President Kennedy had been shot until eight years ago?
James Belushi: Well, hey now; you know, I was busy with school and girls and playing sports and stuff and I really wasn't into current events.
Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this. Mary, when did you find out President Kennedy had been shot?
Mary Gross: Well, Joe; in light of what just happened, I'm ashamed to admit that Jim told me right before the show started.
James Belushi: [Chuckling] What a dork, eh Joe?
Joe Piscopo: I can't believe this! This was one of the most important events of the 20th century and you people are totally clueless!
Tim Kazurinsky: [shocked] Wait a minute! President Kennedy is dead? How? When?
Joe Piscopo: Yes! My God, He was shot in Dallas!
Tim Kazurinsky: Oh, no! No! Please, No! [Begins crying uncontrollably and hanging onto the other guests]
Tim Kazurinsky: President Kennedy is dead!
Joe Piscopo: [shaking his head] This is Joe Piscopo; goo
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Amy Poehler: [On Weekend Update] USA Today reports that Britney Spears may once again be pregnant. Britney, Kevin; on behalf of all of the people on earth, stop repopulating! Brad and Angelina, Okay; but Britney and Kevin, please stop; now.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Colin Quinn: You know how you go to your favorite bar, and your local bartender isn't there? You ask, "Where's Jeff?" "Jeff no longer works here, I'm Steve." Then you're thinking, hey, who's this idiot? I like Jeff. But you still want your drink. And even though Steve doesn't mix your drink the same way you're used to, like Jeff, you still like the bar. You don't want to have to go to a different bar. And even Steve might feel kinda bad because Jeff trained him. Jeff showed him how to work the cash register, where the tonic was on the soda gun, who tips, who doesn't. Well, I'm Steve. What can I get you?
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Donatella Versace: Get out of here before I love you too much... GET OUT.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live
Norm MacDonald: Who are safer drivers? Men or women? Well, according to a new survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor fenderbenders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100% because the math was done by a woman. [audience laughs or hisses]
Norm MacDonald: For those of you hissing at that joke, it should be uh noted that that joke was written by a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do ya? Nah, I'm just kidding. We don't hire women.
TV Show: Saturday Night Live