Scrubs Quotes
Dr. Cox: [walking quickly through the cafeteria] I'm invisible, I'm invisible, I'm invisible...
Elliot: Oh, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: Awww, dammmit!
Elliot: Oh, Dr. Cox?
Dr. Cox: Awww, dammmit!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: Well at least there's one attending around I can count on.
Elliot: Oh the hell with it, Bob- I don't work here! Have a good one!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Dr. Cox: It hates you, Bob!
Elliot: Oh the hell with it, Bob- I don't work here! Have a good one!
Dr. Kelso: I hate this place.
Dr. Cox: It hates you, Bob!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: When the Kelsonoviches settled in Monroeville, P.A., there were two steel mills, three bars, not a doctor in sight. Then, my old man set up a shingle and started delivering babies and stitching up three-fingered steel men by the wagon-load. [smiling]
Dr. Kelso: Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would always gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips. [smile withers]
Dr. Kelso: Jackass.
Dr. Kelso: Everybody loved him. When they couldn't come up with the cash, he would always gladly accept a handmade sweater or a bushel of turnips. [smile withers]
Dr. Kelso: Jackass.
TV Show: Scrubs
The Janitor: Floor's wet. You know, I liked the Blond Doctor looked. Brightened my day. But you don't care. Cause you're unconscious.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Dr. Cox, Turk and J.D. are having very different woman problems]
Dr. Cox: I don't know what the hell she wants.
Chris Turk: I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants.
J.D.: My peeps are on the frits.
Dr. Cox: What?
Chris Turk: Whoa.
J.D.: No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits...
Chris Turk: Yeah, right.
Dr. Cox: God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything.
Chris Turk: Dude... [Dr. Cox and Turk leave, the janitor approaches J.D]
Janitor: Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar. [empties cup full of pennies on J.D.'s table]
Janitor: Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits.
Dr. Cox: I don't know what the hell she wants.
Chris Turk: I don't know if I'm what Carla really wants.
J.D.: My peeps are on the frits.
Dr. Cox: What?
Chris Turk: Whoa.
J.D.: No, I mean you're me peeps, and you're on the frits...
Chris Turk: Yeah, right.
Dr. Cox: God bless you newbie. You helped me get a new perspective on everything.
Chris Turk: Dude... [Dr. Cox and Turk leave, the janitor approaches J.D]
Janitor: Thanks for the coffee. Here's your dollar. [empties cup full of pennies on J.D.'s table]
Janitor: Oh, and by the way, your new nickname is Pepe LeFrits.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Newbie, do you want me to give my "things I don't care about" speech again? Because I've updated it to include all white guys who add -izzle to anything.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.
J.D.: I agrizzle, my nizzle.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Why does this gomer always have to try to die on my lunch?
J.D.: That's a little insensitive.
[Cox glares at him]
J.D.: [narration] Mistake.
Dr. Cox: The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: Aw, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is...
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox: [leaning down and whispering]Eisenhower... was a sissy.
[Dr. Cox recoils and puts up a guard. Nothing happens]
Dr. Cox: I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. And from now on, when I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.
J.D.: That's a little insensitive.
[Cox glares at him]
J.D.: [narration] Mistake.
Dr. Cox: The man's 92 years old, he has full dementia, he doesn't even know we're here. He is inches from Carla's rack and he hasn't even flinched.
Carla: Aw, that is so sweet.
Dr. Cox: Yeah, it is...
J.D.: What about his subconscious?
Dr. Cox: [leaning down and whispering]Eisenhower... was a sissy.
[Dr. Cox recoils and puts up a guard. Nothing happens]
Dr. Cox: I think, by the grace of God, we're gonna be okay. And from now on, when I'm in the room, you're definitely not allowed to talk.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: I'm, uh, I'm waiting for someone.
Janitor: Door's broke. Fifth time this week it won't open.
J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know...
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, no, I was just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there... I'm taking you down.
Janitor: Door's broke. Fifth time this week it won't open.
J.D.: Maybe there's a penny stuck in there.
Janitor: Why a penny?
J.D.: I don't know...
Janitor: Did you stick a penny in there?
J.D.: No, no, I was just making small talk.
Janitor: If I find a penny in there... I'm taking you down.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Oh, come on, Carla, give me one good reason why you won't go out with me.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there [points at his crotch]. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite. [walks off]
J.D.: I'd go with the "god-complex"... but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.
Carla: Well, you're a surgeon. So, you've got the god-complex, the cockiness, the whole "married to the job" thing. You're cute, but you're very, very aware of it. You have no idea what I'm like, so all of your feelings for me are coming from down there [points at his crotch]. But most of all, I'm looking for the real thing and you're nothing but a little boy who's not used to being told "no." So there's a bunch of reasons. Pick your favorite. [walks off]
J.D.: I'd go with the "god-complex"... but it's hard to choose, you know, they're all so good.
TV Show: Scrubs
Will: This is a strange resort, man. I mean, the wheelchair service is great, but that suite I rented, there was another person in it. And for some reason the bellhop gave me an enema.
J.D.: Yeah, he's new here.
J.D.: Yeah, he's new here.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.
Elliot: I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that—well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Cox: The value - and this is important - of leaving me alone.
Dr. Cox: I'm hoping, for your sake, there's another Dr. Cox sitting right behind me.
Elliot: I feel stupid, but, sending me to Kelso like that—well, I'm not sure, exactly, what you were trying to teach me.
Dr. Cox: The value - and this is important - of leaving me alone.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: I want you to spread the word, missy. I've... had... enough. The next whiny intern that comes in here looking to me for a cookie and a hug, I swear to Aisha, I'm going to hurt them. And you, you neurotic one-woman freak-show, take your blah-blah to the blah-blah-ologist. Because if you are so stupid as to confront the Chief of Medicine over some quasi-offensive endearment, then you've just got to go ahead and replace the captain of your brainship, because he's drunk at the wheel!
Elliot: So, you're telling me I have to pick my battles. Thanks, Dr. Cox. [Walks off]
Dr. Cox: [confused] You're welcome.
Elliot: So, you're telling me I have to pick my battles. Thanks, Dr. Cox. [Walks off]
Dr. Cox: [confused] You're welcome.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: I'm... I'm... I'm the doctor.
Guy: What are you, sixteen?
Woman: Oh, this is unacceptable.
Guy: What'd you have, like, coupons to this hospital, ma?
Woman: I should—we should have gone to my doctor.
Mrs. Tanner: Now that's enough! Now, sure, he's young, but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?
J.D.: It's kinda too soon to tell.
Guy: What are you, sixteen?
Woman: Oh, this is unacceptable.
Guy: What'd you have, like, coupons to this hospital, ma?
Woman: I should—we should have gone to my doctor.
Mrs. Tanner: Now that's enough! Now, sure, he's young, but he's probably a very good doctor. Are you a good doctor?
J.D.: It's kinda too soon to tell.
TV Show: Scrubs
Mrs. Tanner: Sweetie, I'm seventy-four years old, I'm ready to go.
J.D.: Yeah, but with dialysis, you could live another... eighty or ninety years!
Mrs. Tanner: I think you're being a little irrational.
J.D.: No I'm not.
Mrs. Tanner: Everybody dies sometime.
J.D.: No they don't.
J.D.: Yeah, but with dialysis, you could live another... eighty or ninety years!
Mrs. Tanner: I think you're being a little irrational.
J.D.: No I'm not.
Mrs. Tanner: Everybody dies sometime.
J.D.: No they don't.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: What in the name of Are You There, God? It's Me, Margaret were you thinking?
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: I'm very proud of you, Dr... uh...
J.D.: [narration] Just look at my badge!
Dr. Kelso: ...Dr. Turk!
J.D.: Oh, that's my roommate's badge. We must have switched this morning...
Dr. Kelso: That's a great anecdote. You should write it down in your journal. Then your kids can read about it when you're dead!
J.D.: [narration] Just look at my badge!
Dr. Kelso: ...Dr. Turk!
J.D.: Oh, that's my roommate's badge. We must have switched this morning...
Dr. Kelso: That's a great anecdote. You should write it down in your journal. Then your kids can read about it when you're dead!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Your ex-wife. She's the answer.
Dr. Cox: Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money? Things with sharp edges!
Dr. Cox: Uhhh... Things that ruined my life. Things that took half my money? Things with sharp edges!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.[narration] I'll always remember that moment as the first "thank you" I got from Dr. Cox.
Dr. Cox: Well, geez, Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?
J.D.[narration] It felt good.
Dr. Cox: Well, geez, Agnes, does the field hockey team know that you're missing?
J.D.[narration] It felt good.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: So he has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.
Carla: You should bring it in sometime.
Carla: You should bring it in sometime.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: You know I kinda had a date last night?
J.D.: Really?
Elliot: Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.
J.D.: ...You slut.
J.D.: Really?
Elliot: Yeah, a guy on the bus fell asleep on me and drooled on my shoulder.
J.D.: ...You slut.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [as Robin in a daydream] Holy inferiority complex, Batman! How low is my self esteem that I'm the sidekick in my own fantasy?
Turk: [as Batman] It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you, sir.
Turk: [as Batman] It could be worse, Robin. You could be Alfred the butler.
J.D.: [as Alfred] Damn you, sir.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.[narration] It's funny how our perceptions can be so off. Like when you're searching for a place to fit in and you don't realize you've been there the whole time. Or how a bunch of posters can't turn you into a role model if you've already been one for years. Of course, in my case I knew exactly where I stood and it didn't feel that good.
Dr. Cox: [To intern review board] I would like to make special mention of one intern, here. John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see 24 hours a day. He cares. He cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. [As he walk away] Now if you have any questions... Well, I could give a crap! I'm going home. Ya'll get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.
Dr. Cox: [To intern review board] I would like to make special mention of one intern, here. John Dorian. Smart kid, he's extremely competent, and his enthusiasm and his determination to always be better is something I see 24 hours a day. He cares. He cares too much. But he's definitely somebody you don't want to lose. [As he walk away] Now if you have any questions... Well, I could give a crap! I'm going home. Ya'll get paid way too much for doing nothing anyway.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: Doctor Cox, did you get my memo reminding all senior staff that lab coats must be worn at all times?
Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.
Dr. Cox: You know I did get it there, Bob, and at first I just threw it away, but then I decided that wasn't a grand enough gesture, so I made a replica of you out of straw and I put my lab coat on it with your memo in the pocket, and then I invited all the kids in the neighborhood to come over to light it on fire and whack it with sticks.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: I want you to know, if I ever need surgery again, I want you inside of me.
Turk: I wanna be the one inside of you.
Turk: I wanna be the one inside of you.
TV Show: Scrubs
Janitor: Your new nickname is Scooter.
J.D.: Why?
Janitor: It's short for scooter pie. [J.D. stares at him blankly.] I hate scooter pie.
J.D.: Oh, now I see. [voiceover] Ya big jerk.
J.D.: Why?
Janitor: It's short for scooter pie. [J.D. stares at him blankly.] I hate scooter pie.
J.D.: Oh, now I see. [voiceover] Ya big jerk.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: [To annoying patient] Okay, think of what little patience I have as, oh, I don't know, your virginity. You always thought it would be there, until that night Junior Year when you were feeling a little down about yourself and your pal Kevin, who just wanted to be friends, well, he dropped by and he brought a copy of About Last Night and a four-pack of Bartles & Jaymes and badaow, it was gone forever—just like my patience is now.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [voiceover] Oh, God, his ex-wife. The tension actually hurts. You have to break it; say something, anything! [aloud] Banana hammock!
Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.
Dr. Cox: I'm betting your ability to thrive under pressure is what drove you to medicine.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [holding up mistletoe] Who put this up!?
Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just... looking for that—trying to add a little cheer.
J.D.: I was just trying to—
Janitor: Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do. But you will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. [leaves]
J.D.: But I've only worked here for three months.
Janitor: I did. I drove around the whole city before my 5 a.m. shift just... looking for that—trying to add a little cheer.
J.D.: I was just trying to—
Janitor: Oh, I know exactly what you're trying to do. But you will not ruin my Christmas. Not again. Not this year. [leaves]
J.D.: But I've only worked here for three months.
TV Show: Scrubs