Scrubs Quotes
J.D.: If Turk's mind is set on something, it can't be changed! I can't even imagine how I'd try.
[J.D. begins to enter a fantasy; however, the show's viewpoint remains in the real world]
The Todd: [voiceover] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
J.D.: We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
The Todd: That's helpful.
[J.D. begins to enter a fantasy; however, the show's viewpoint remains in the real world]
The Todd: [voiceover] Oh, great. There he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.
J.D.: We'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
The Todd: That's helpful.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: What are you thinking, Ted?
Ted: [voiceover] I could jam this [knife] through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in to stop me... [to Kelso] The usual, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you'd never do it; you don't have the guts.
[Carla and the nurses walk in]
Carla: If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems any more? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz...
Carla: Unfortunately for you, someone left this invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. And they're really undercharging you! So, either you shell out the extra 20 grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.
Dr. Kelso: [angrily] Ted, are you responsible for this?
Ted: [expressionless] Please, sir. I don't have the guts. [voiceover, deliriously happy] Oh yeah! Suck it bitch! I will murder you!
Ted: [voiceover] I could jam this [knife] through the soft spot on his temple, then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in to stop me... [to Kelso] The usual, sir.
Dr. Kelso: Well, you'd never do it; you don't have the guts.
[Carla and the nurses walk in]
Carla: If it's okay with you, we'll take that raise now.
Dr. Kelso: Okay, but in this little fantasy of yours, can I not have prostate problems any more? I can't sleep more than 40 minutes without needing to take a whiz...
Carla: Unfortunately for you, someone left this invoice for the hospital needles on my desk. And they're really undercharging you! So, either you shell out the extra 20 grand a month for our raises, or we call the needle company and it'll cost you twice that.
Dr. Kelso: [angrily] Ted, are you responsible for this?
Ted: [expressionless] Please, sir. I don't have the guts. [voiceover, deliriously happy] Oh yeah! Suck it bitch! I will murder you!
TV Show: Scrubs
Melody: Of course, we could make out.
[J.D. looks at her, surprised]
Melody: Yeah, I know it's a little bit trampy but, what the hell, so am I.
[J.D. looks at her, surprised]
Melody: Yeah, I know it's a little bit trampy but, what the hell, so am I.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Does heart trouble run in your family?
Patient: My uncle was shot in the heart.
Patient: My uncle was shot in the heart.
TV Show: Scrubs
The Todd: Hey, guys. I hear there's a Steel Magnolia in room 309 that needs a little pruning.
Turk: Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.
The Todd: The Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age or disability.
Turk: Todd, she's 68 and has syphilis.
The Todd: The Todd accepts all applicants, regardless of age or disability.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Keith has just proposed to Elliot]
J.D.: [voiceover] As I looked at all the relationships around me... Some that had gone on forever... some that were reigniting... and some that had just begun... I realized something: It should have been me.
J.D.: [voiceover] As I looked at all the relationships around me... Some that had gone on forever... some that were reigniting... and some that had just begun... I realized something: It should have been me.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. has just found out Kim did not miscarry their child]
J.D.: Were you ever planning on telling me?
Kim: Yes, but I didn't know what to say.
J.D.: How about: "J.D., I think there might be something living inside my uterus."
J.D.: Were you ever planning on telling me?
Kim: Yes, but I didn't know what to say.
J.D.: How about: "J.D., I think there might be something living inside my uterus."
TV Show: Scrubs
Janitor: Ah, hey everyone. I've been looking for a new roleplaying game ever since my Lord Of The Rings club booted me for using an actual warhammer, so would anyone mind if I pretended to be Chief of Medicine while Kelso is out of town?
Everyone: [unison approval]
Janitor: [suddenly dressed as a doctor] Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish!
Everyone: [unison approval]
Janitor: [suddenly dressed as a doctor] Fantastic! Let's make cancer feel foolish!
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Before Izzy was born, if I saw a half-eaten meatball sub in the trash you better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it! But now, I'm not risking my health eating trash-food. I mean, unless it's a corn dog.
Dr. Cox: Thank God you've procreated.
Dr. Cox: Thank God you've procreated.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: I've seen the Wiggles live in concert... twice.
Turk: Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
Dr. Cox: They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.
Turk: Did they perform "Big Red Car"?
Dr. Cox: They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Look Jen, if you need any legal help concerning your accident, you can talk to Jim, who is a very successful bulldog of a lawyer, or you can talk to Ted, who, well—
Ted: My mom calls me Thunder.
Jen: I'm going to go with the less shiny one.
Jim: Tough break there, Thunder.
Ted: YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!
Ted: My mom calls me Thunder.
Jen: I'm going to go with the less shiny one.
Jim: Tough break there, Thunder.
Ted: YOU'RE NOT MY MOM, JIM!!! YOU'RE NOT MY MOM!!!
TV Show: Scrubs
[Jordan has forced Dr. Cox and Jack to dress in identical outfits]
Jordan: Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I hate this.
Dr. Kelso: Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
[Dr. Cox puts his hands on his head, and Jack copies him]
Dr. Cox: Up yours, Bobbo.
Jack: Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!
[Awkward pause]
Dr. Cox: Outstanding. Come. [Picks Jack up and leaves]
Jordan: Wow! You guys look great! I'm gonna get a photographer.
Dr. Cox: Jordan, I hate this.
Dr. Kelso: Why? I would think an arrogant ass like you would love having his very own clone.
[Dr. Cox puts his hands on his head, and Jack copies him]
Dr. Cox: Up yours, Bobbo.
Jack: Yeah, up yours, Bobbo!
[Awkward pause]
Dr. Cox: Outstanding. Come. [Picks Jack up and leaves]
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr.Cox: You know things I would rather see than you becoming my daughter's godfather? A nuclear war, a sequeal to High Floats, Hugh Jackman winning an oscar...
Dr. Kelso: Yeah yeah, funny long list, we get the message.
Dr. Kelso: Yeah yeah, funny long list, we get the message.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: I can't believe I almost messed things up with Kim. What is wrong with me?
Dr. Cox: [walking by] You are an annoying, whiny man-child.
J.D.: That question wasn't directed at you!
Dr. Cox: What question?
Dr. Cox: [walking by] You are an annoying, whiny man-child.
J.D.: That question wasn't directed at you!
Dr. Cox: What question?
TV Show: Scrubs
[Turk, Cox, and Kelso are in the doctor's lounge, unsuccessfully researching Joe's disease. Kelso's head is lying in Cox's lap.]
Dr. Cox: [noticing Kelso's head] Fair enough.
[Dr. Beardfacé walks in]
Turk: [calling] What it do, Beardface?
Dr. Beardfacé: It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!
Dr. Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr. Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...
Dr. Kelso: HA! Dr. Face.
Dr. Beardfacé: DAMN you all!
Dr. Cox: [noticing Kelso's head] Fair enough.
[Dr. Beardfacé walks in]
Turk: [calling] What it do, Beardface?
Dr. Beardfacé: It's Beardfacé! BEARDFACÉ, DAMMIT!
Dr. Kelso: Calm down, Seymour.
Dr. Cox: If you wanna lose the nickname, you gotta lose the beard. Of course... then you'd be Doctor Face...
Dr. Kelso: HA! Dr. Face.
Dr. Beardfacé: DAMN you all!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: My kid's not even born yet and I'm already screwing up his life. I just want him to be really happy and normal, you know.
Dr. Cox: First of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid, so the whole normal part was never gonna happen.
Dr. Cox: First of all, Newbie, we're talking about your kid, so the whole normal part was never gonna happen.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Dr. Kelso is consoling his son over the phone]
Dr. Kelso: Of course you had to break up with him. No one you love should ever sell your car without asking and then blow the money on meth.
Dr. Kelso: Of course you had to break up with him. No one you love should ever sell your car without asking and then blow the money on meth.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [looking in awe at a baby] I'm a dad!
Turk: That's not your kid.
J.D.: I know, but he reminds me of Sam.
Turk: That's a girl.
J.D.: Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I was having a moment, here!
Turk: That's not your kid.
J.D.: I know, but he reminds me of Sam.
Turk: That's a girl.
J.D.: Stop ruining it! Why do you have to ruin things? I was having a moment, here!
TV Show: Scrubs
Jordan: What have you been doing all day?
Dr. Cox: Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.
Jordan: I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...
Dr. Cox: Ah, the restraining order.
Jordan: [smiling] Ahhh, Christmas memories...
Dr. Cox: Right up to this very moment I've been successfully avoiding you.
Jordan: I came to tell you that I'm taking the kids to my mother's for the weekend. And, seeing that you're not allowed within forty feet from her house...
Dr. Cox: Ah, the restraining order.
Jordan: [smiling] Ahhh, Christmas memories...
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [In janitor's uniform] It's like the ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful!
Janitor: Yep, that's how it starts.
J.D.: [Angrily, to Boone] What the hell are you looking at?
Janitor: Nice!
Janitor: Yep, that's how it starts.
J.D.: [Angrily, to Boone] What the hell are you looking at?
Janitor: Nice!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Who cares about losing your childhood? I damn sure didn't.
J.D.: Yeah, but that's because your parents were violently abusive alcoholics. Not that there is anything wrong with that; it was probably very exciting.
J.D.: Yeah, but that's because your parents were violently abusive alcoholics. Not that there is anything wrong with that; it was probably very exciting.
TV Show: Scrubs
Janitor: [to his girlfriend Lady] I think it's time you learned the real me. Here we go. I'm not... like normal people. I don't have superpowers, but I'm working on it. For instance, watch me move this pen. [stares at pen; it doesn't move] It worked at home. I don't know. Maybe my table's slanted. Uh, anyway. Um, in my spare time, I also enjoy stuffing animals. Usually with other animals. For instance, a badger will hold five squirrels. A squirrel will hold most of a cat. A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole. You get it... the circle of life. I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how. I don't believe in the moon. I think it's just the back of the sun.
Kelso: Ha! I love a good trainwreck! [Carla goes to interfere]
Janitor: Furthermore, I think if you look closely enough at a...
Carla: Stop it you! She doesn't know you're joking.
Janitor: No, I'm...
Lady: Oh, he's... he's joking? [Carla nods] Oh thank God.
Kelso: Ha! I love a good trainwreck! [Carla goes to interfere]
Janitor: Furthermore, I think if you look closely enough at a...
Carla: Stop it you! She doesn't know you're joking.
Janitor: No, I'm...
Lady: Oh, he's... he's joking? [Carla nods] Oh thank God.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Turk and Dr. Cox talking about rateyourdoc.org]
Turk: There's no way I'm losing to J.D. There must be some way we can take him down.
Dr. Cox: I thought he was your best friend.
Turk: Winning is more important than friendship. My gram-gram taught me that.
Turk: There's no way I'm losing to J.D. There must be some way we can take him down.
Dr. Cox: I thought he was your best friend.
Turk: Winning is more important than friendship. My gram-gram taught me that.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr Cox: So, Gandhi: what did your wife think of her terrible present?
Turk: I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.
Dr Kelso: You got brinner? DAAAAAMN, Turkledawg!
Turk: I haven't told her yet. I mean, I was going to, but her not knowing I understand Spanish is like having a secret power. It got me flapjacks for dinner.
Dr Kelso: You got brinner? DAAAAAMN, Turkledawg!
TV Show: Scrubs
[Turk and Carla are talking in Spanish about J.D. and Elliot]
Turk: Like them. I bet you that in two weeks they will be back together.
Carla: Do you think so? Some people are not going to like that.
Turk: Like them. I bet you that in two weeks they will be back together.
Carla: Do you think so? Some people are not going to like that.
TV Show: Scrubs
[The ladies' room is being cleaned; Elliot decides to use the men's room]
Elliot: [reading off the bathroom stall's wall] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt?"... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital's full of white guys.
. . .
Kelso: Don't be too pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.
Elliot: [reading off the bathroom stall's wall] "Rate Dr. Reid's butt?"... Yes! 9.2! Thank God this hospital's full of white guys.
. . .
Kelso: Don't be too pleased with that 9.2. That's out of 100.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Wait a minute, you're telling me that that poster-sized reminder of your giant ass-kicking doesn't bother you? You're the only one your son has to model himself after when he's deciding how to be a man, and occasionally seeing a Paul Mitchell poster every time you pass by the beauty salon just isn't going to cut it.
J.D.: Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the great role model you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic.
J.D.: [narration] Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.
Nurse: You sure told him.
J.D.: Thanks, Herpes.
J.D.: Well, it's unfortunate that all children can't have the great role model you are, Mr. Borderline Alcoholic.
J.D.: [narration] Nailed him! It's great having silver bullets like that on everyone in the hospital.
Nurse: You sure told him.
J.D.: Thanks, Herpes.
TV Show: Scrubs
Ted: [seeing Turk and J.D. hug] I need one of those.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.
J.D.: A hug?
Ted: No, a black friend. I think it would make me much cooler.
Turk: I should be offended, but he's right.
TV Show: Scrubs