Scrubs Quotes
[Van is speaking during the Janitor and Lady's wedding ceremony]
Van: Marriage is a dead institution. It hasn't worked for me, it hasn't worked for anybody in my family, but there are certain signposts you can follow, you know, to try and make the best of it. Try not to yell at each other, that's always a great idea. Don't share any money; always sound, sound advice. Never strike each other above the shoulders: from here down, from here down for hitting...Don't share cars. You're gonna find that it always has the other person's stink on it. You can't get that stuff off your shirt, you're gonna live with it for the rest of your life, you don't want it when you're driving to work, you know?
Van: Marriage is a dead institution. It hasn't worked for me, it hasn't worked for anybody in my family, but there are certain signposts you can follow, you know, to try and make the best of it. Try not to yell at each other, that's always a great idea. Don't share any money; always sound, sound advice. Never strike each other above the shoulders: from here down, from here down for hitting...Don't share cars. You're gonna find that it always has the other person's stink on it. You can't get that stuff off your shirt, you're gonna live with it for the rest of your life, you don't want it when you're driving to work, you know?
TV Show: Scrubs
[Janitor saying his vows to Lady]
Janitor: [clears throat] I just wanna say somethin' before we kiss, okay? [to guests] And thanks for coming even though I didn't want you here. [To Lady] Uh, I know that I'm weird, but uh, ya know, you'd be weird too, if your mother aged backwards, like mine did. So the thing is that I always kind of... figured that I would end up alone. And then you came along.
Lady: Mmhmm?
Janitor: And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them. And uh, I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you, for that. But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it.
Lady: I love you too. [Janitor and Lady kiss]
J.D.: [narration] And right then we all realised the value of the romantic gesture, from one person who loves someone, to another.
Janitor: [clears throat] I just wanna say somethin' before we kiss, okay? [to guests] And thanks for coming even though I didn't want you here. [To Lady] Uh, I know that I'm weird, but uh, ya know, you'd be weird too, if your mother aged backwards, like mine did. So the thing is that I always kind of... figured that I would end up alone. And then you came along.
Lady: Mmhmm?
Janitor: And you don't just accept my quirks and my crazy stories and my lies about my mom, you actually appreciate me for them. And uh, I don't think I'll ever stop appreciating you, for that. But I know that I'll never stop loving you for it.
Lady: I love you too. [Janitor and Lady kiss]
J.D.: [narration] And right then we all realised the value of the romantic gesture, from one person who loves someone, to another.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Look, Elliot, I don't know if its possible to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I'll give it a shot. I never really believed I'd find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. Elliot, I love you more than Turk.
Elliot: [touched] Oh, my God.
J.D.: I know, that's even hard for me to say, but it's true.
Elliot: [touched] Oh, my God.
J.D.: I know, that's even hard for me to say, but it's true.
TV Show: Scrubs
Sean: We hit a bit of a speed bump when I found out Sam was your son.
Kim: Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market.
Kim: Yeah, he got drunk and asked me to sell him on the black market.
TV Show: Scrubs
Sean: It's not fair that we still have to be in each other's lives.
J.D.: I know, but I also know that the girls aren't going to let up until we make peace. So, what do you say we change the tone a little bit and both say something nice about each other? I'll go first. Look at you. There's no way around it: you're a beautiful man.
Sean: Thank you, J.D.
J.D.: Now you go.
Sean: I never agreed to that.
J.D.: Beautiful son of a bitch!
J.D.: I know, but I also know that the girls aren't going to let up until we make peace. So, what do you say we change the tone a little bit and both say something nice about each other? I'll go first. Look at you. There's no way around it: you're a beautiful man.
Sean: Thank you, J.D.
J.D.: Now you go.
Sean: I never agreed to that.
J.D.: Beautiful son of a bitch!
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: I'm just saying, the only time you guys haven't been together was our honeymoon.
[Turk and J.D. exchange guilty looks]
Carla: What?
J.D.: It's time.
Turk: No!
J.D.: Yes!
Turk: Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.
J.D.: He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?
[Turk and J.D. exchange guilty looks]
Carla: What?
J.D.: It's time.
Turk: No!
J.D.: Yes!
Turk: Honey, uh, J.D. and I were together during our honeymoon. He flew in and stayed in the bungalow by the pool.
J.D.: He forgot his favorite lotion! Was I supposed to let him get ashey?
TV Show: Scrubs
Jordan: [to Ted] So, sweat-stain, how are things with your girlfriend now that you're roomies?
Ted: Oh, we're having sex like crazy.
[Everyone at the table gags]
Ted: Why do you react that way when you picture me having sex?
Dr. Kelso: Well, you try it!
Ted: [thinks, makes a horrified face] OH MY GOD!
Dr. Kelso: Not a pretty picture, is it?
Ted: Oh, we're having sex like crazy.
[Everyone at the table gags]
Ted: Why do you react that way when you picture me having sex?
Dr. Kelso: Well, you try it!
Ted: [thinks, makes a horrified face] OH MY GOD!
Dr. Kelso: Not a pretty picture, is it?
TV Show: Scrubs
Sunny: He's finally gone. Talk about making a big deal over nothing, you know. I mean, Dr. Dorian was fine, but he was no better than any other doctor.
Cox: For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. [J.D. quietly walks behind him] John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is...he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend.
J.D.: Thank you, God. That was beautiful.
Cox: [mortified] Oh, God, no.
J.D.: It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in. [He hugs Cox and sighs happily] You smell like a father figure.
Cox: Oh, please stop.
J.D.: [breaking away] Great job, Sunny. You said your line perfectly.
Sunny: Thanks, I worked on it.
J.D.: I knew that would set you off. Good night, best friend. [He leaves] He thinks I'm an exceptional—[hits the doorway with his hands] ow!—person!
Cox: You realize that even though he gets to leave, you have to stay.
Sunny: I didn't think that out.
Cox: [menacingly] No, you didn't.
Cox: For the record, he was the best that ever came through this dump. [J.D. quietly walks behind him] John Dorian was the first and only doctor I ever met who cared as much as I do. And you can forget about him being just an exceptional physician because the fact of the matter is...he's a damn exceptional person. That's why people gravitated to him. That's why I did. He was my friend.
J.D.: Thank you, God. That was beautiful.
Cox: [mortified] Oh, God, no.
J.D.: It's okay, Perry. You just said how you feel. Honestly, I am so full of your love right now, I literally could not take another drop. Brace yourself, I'm coming in. [He hugs Cox and sighs happily] You smell like a father figure.
Cox: Oh, please stop.
J.D.: [breaking away] Great job, Sunny. You said your line perfectly.
Sunny: Thanks, I worked on it.
J.D.: I knew that would set you off. Good night, best friend. [He leaves] He thinks I'm an exceptional—[hits the doorway with his hands] ow!—person!
Cox: You realize that even though he gets to leave, you have to stay.
Sunny: I didn't think that out.
Cox: [menacingly] No, you didn't.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: I guess it's because we all want to believe that what we do is important, that people hang on our every word, that they care what we think. But the truth is, you should consider yourself lucky if you even occasionally get to make someone, anyone, feel a little better.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [After fantasizing about the future] And who's to say this isn't what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won't come true? Just this once...
TV Show: Scrubs
Lucy: [After smelling the air] Kiwi!
Denise: What?
Lucy: I smell kiwi.
Denise: Yeah, it's my shampoo. I love kiwis, so what?
Lucy: Me too! Not really, they're hairy, they look like... monkey nuts.
Denise: Don't smell people; it's weird.
Denise: What?
Lucy: I smell kiwi.
Denise: Yeah, it's my shampoo. I love kiwis, so what?
Lucy: Me too! Not really, they're hairy, they look like... monkey nuts.
Denise: Don't smell people; it's weird.
TV Show: Scrubs
Lucy: I'd just like to thank you, on behalf of all of us, for getting us pizza. [voice-over] There: smelling incident fixed!
Denise: Yeah, they gave me money to do it. Along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself — lookin' at you, sad eyes — do it off-campus, because it is a butt-load of paperwork.
Denise: Yeah, they gave me money to do it. Along with free room and board to attend to your emotional needs. Speaking of which, little administrative thing. If you're going to kill yourself — lookin' at you, sad eyes — do it off-campus, because it is a butt-load of paperwork.
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. is sitting in a tree to symbolize the cardiovascular system]
Lucy: Great class, Doctor D! Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.
J.D.: Thanks, Lucy. I like to call it "teacher-tainment". Now, be a doll and go give Dr. Turk a message ASAP. Tell him Dr. Dorian is stuck in the tree again, but this time there are many bees. Hurry, Lucy, I have honey hair!
Lucy: Great class, Doctor D! Even better than the one you did with interpretive dance.
J.D.: Thanks, Lucy. I like to call it "teacher-tainment". Now, be a doll and go give Dr. Turk a message ASAP. Tell him Dr. Dorian is stuck in the tree again, but this time there are many bees. Hurry, Lucy, I have honey hair!
TV Show: Scrubs
Lucy: I thought being a doctor was about helping people.
J.D.: It is, Lucy. Well, that and showing up my third grade teacher, who said I'd never amount to anything. Eat it, Mrs. Nickerson! [voiceover] And rest in peace.
J.D.: It is, Lucy. Well, that and showing up my third grade teacher, who said I'd never amount to anything. Eat it, Mrs. Nickerson! [voiceover] And rest in peace.
TV Show: Scrubs
Denise: I'm sorry, white bread, I'm not really looking for a protegé slash suckup.
Lucy: Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up! If I were sucking up, I would tell you how much I like your shoes... which I do, by the way! They're mannish, but flirty, like, "Hey boys, come and watch me build a deck."
Lucy: Dr. Mahoney, I am not sucking up! If I were sucking up, I would tell you how much I like your shoes... which I do, by the way! They're mannish, but flirty, like, "Hey boys, come and watch me build a deck."
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Okay class, with the exception of number one here, today's assignment is to drop out of medical school. Your parents' money would be better spent stuffed into garbage bags and shot into the sun.
TV Show: Scrubs
Ted: Dr. Cox, did you hear that I'm quitting?
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are taking some time off and touring the country.
Gooch: We've written a song for every state.
Dr. Cox: I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to Hell.
Dr. Cox: I did, Ted, and I don't know how to pretend to care.
Ted: Understandable.
Dr. Kelso: Theodore, I always figured that someday we'd just find you dead in your office.
Ted: Yeah, that was the dream. But the Gooch and I are taking some time off and touring the country.
Gooch: We've written a song for every state.
Dr. Cox: I'm sure I'll hear all of them when I die and go to Hell.
TV Show: Scrubs
Bouncer: Are you on the list?
J.D.: Yes, under "John Dorian", or "Dr. Dorian". Or maybe "Doctor Dizzle" or "J. Dizzle".
Bouncer: There's a "J. Dizzle" here.
Man: I'm J. Dizzle!
J.D.: Dammit!
J.D.: Yes, under "John Dorian", or "Dr. Dorian". Or maybe "Doctor Dizzle" or "J. Dizzle".
Bouncer: There's a "J. Dizzle" here.
Man: I'm J. Dizzle!
J.D.: Dammit!
TV Show: Scrubs
Lucy: Doctor D, I can't believe you're leaving us! You're, like, the best teacher ever!
J.D.: Ah, Lucy, but you'll always carry a piece of me with you. I'll be here [touches her head] and I'll be here [touches her stomach].
Lucy: In my stomach?
J.D.: I would have touched your heart, but I did that once to another female student, and it resulted in having to watch a four-hour video called "Boundaries".
J.D.: Ah, Lucy, but you'll always carry a piece of me with you. I'll be here [touches her head] and I'll be here [touches her stomach].
Lucy: In my stomach?
J.D.: I would have touched your heart, but I did that once to another female student, and it resulted in having to watch a four-hour video called "Boundaries".
TV Show: Scrubs
[Lucy is taking blood from J.D.]
Lucy: I don't know why I'm not getting this.
J.D.: I used to have a problem with the same thing. But then I realized that you just have to pretend that the needle is your friend. Be careful, though: I told that to a medical student once, and he became a heroin addict.
Lucy: I don't know why I'm not getting this.
J.D.: I used to have a problem with the same thing. But then I realized that you just have to pretend that the needle is your friend. Be careful, though: I told that to a medical student once, and he became a heroin addict.
TV Show: Scrubs
Drew: So, did he buy the newsletter rankings nonsense?
Dr. Cox: Like an elderly shut-in talking to a telemarketer.
Drew: Outstanding.
Dr. Cox: Like an elderly shut-in talking to a telemarketer.
Drew: Outstanding.
TV Show: Scrubs
Lucy: [to Elliot] Morning, sunshine! You look rested! Oh, and making time for the paper, that must be nice. [drops the act] Later, you munch!
Elliot: Did she just call me a buttmunch?
Drew: Well, she didn't use the word "butt", though I can't think of any other prominent kind of munch, so... yeah, she called you a buttmunch. [cheerfully] I'm Drew, by the way!
Elliot: Did she just call me a buttmunch?
Drew: Well, she didn't use the word "butt", though I can't think of any other prominent kind of munch, so... yeah, she called you a buttmunch. [cheerfully] I'm Drew, by the way!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: And now, a boring announcement about a pointless tradition, brought to you by an aging figurehead with a failing liver and an over-active libido.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry, you anger-filled muscle-slut.
Dr. Cox: I miss this.
Dr. Kelso: Me, too. It kills me that we're friends now.
Dr. Kelso: Thank you, Perry, you anger-filled muscle-slut.
Dr. Cox: I miss this.
Dr. Kelso: Me, too. It kills me that we're friends now.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: The OR room is a safe place. No one's going to yell "Recognize!" at you. Can I ask you a question? Why do white people ruin everything? I only got to say "fo shizzle" for a week. A week!
TV Show: Scrubs
Cole: What did Drew say about me rejoining the study group?
Lucy: He said no.
Cole: Really? Did you remind him I'm one-eighteenth American Indian?
Lucy: Are you?
Cole: I don't know, but I always tell people that. It makes the white man feel guilty.
Lucy: He said no.
Cole: Really? Did you remind him I'm one-eighteenth American Indian?
Lucy: Are you?
Cole: I don't know, but I always tell people that. It makes the white man feel guilty.
TV Show: Scrubs
Cole: Damn, girl, you can't just jump in front of golf carts! That's how gardeners die!
TV Show: Scrubs
[The class is to be tested on dissecting a cadaver, who was once Lucy's patient, Ben]
Lucy: [narration] Anyway, my friend Ben was going to propel our group to the top of the class. I'm so moved, I just want to put those feelings into words. [out loud] Dr. Turk, I can't wait to slice up this old bastard's ticker!
Lucy: [narration] Anyway, my friend Ben was going to propel our group to the top of the class. I'm so moved, I just want to put those feelings into words. [out loud] Dr. Turk, I can't wait to slice up this old bastard's ticker!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.[to Elliot] Hello, wife-face! Your shift is over, and I'm taking you on a baby-moon!
Elliot: What are you talking about?
J.D.: A baby-moon is a vacation that couples take just before your baby baby comes out of your special area. And the resort I found is amazing; they have horseback riding, and jet-skiing...
Elliot: Oh, do they also have any punching each other in the stomach contests? Because that's another thing I can't do.
Elliot: What are you talking about?
J.D.: A baby-moon is a vacation that couples take just before your baby baby comes out of your special area. And the resort I found is amazing; they have horseback riding, and jet-skiing...
Elliot: Oh, do they also have any punching each other in the stomach contests? Because that's another thing I can't do.
TV Show: Scrubs
Cole: Your mom doesn't like me very much, does she?
Lucy: [nervously chewing her hair] She's crazy about you!
Cole: See? You're lying! Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD case. You chew on your hair when you lie, you adjust your bra when you're about to yell at me, and you get this far-off look in your eye when you're narrating in your head.
Lucy: [narration] Even though Cole and I were clicking...
Cole: There it is!
Lucy: [adjusting her bra] Stop noticing things I do!
Lucy: [nervously chewing her hair] She's crazy about you!
Cole: See? You're lying! Babe, I can read you like the back of a DVD case. You chew on your hair when you lie, you adjust your bra when you're about to yell at me, and you get this far-off look in your eye when you're narrating in your head.
Lucy: [narration] Even though Cole and I were clicking...
Cole: There it is!
Lucy: [adjusting her bra] Stop noticing things I do!
TV Show: Scrubs
[The class is in detention under suspicion of cheating]
Denise: I hope it was Drew. Then he'll get his butt thrown out of here.
Lucy: What did he do to you? Did he smack you around?
Denise: Worse. He told me he loved me. Who does that? Don't you see? He's trying to get me to trust him so he can let me down.
Lucy: Crazy idea: you could just say I love you back.
Denise: Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him, go to jail, break out, and kill you for giving me that advice.
Lucy: I love how our friendship is based predominately on threats.
Denise: I hope it was Drew. Then he'll get his butt thrown out of here.
Lucy: What did he do to you? Did he smack you around?
Denise: Worse. He told me he loved me. Who does that? Don't you see? He's trying to get me to trust him so he can let me down.
Lucy: Crazy idea: you could just say I love you back.
Denise: Yeah, but then if it doesn't work out, I'll have to kill him, go to jail, break out, and kill you for giving me that advice.
Lucy: I love how our friendship is based predominately on threats.
TV Show: Scrubs