Scrubs Quotes
Jordan: [kisses Cox] Hurry home tonight so you can ignore your son and not do your share.
Dr. Cox: [laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!
Dr. Cox: [laughs weakly] You make me want to kill myself and everybody around me!
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: Carla, if your wedding ceremony's gonna be in Spanish, how will I know that you're officially married?
Carla: [sarcastically] Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.
Elliot: Really? God I wish I was ethnic.
Carla: [sarcastically] Cause all my cousins will throw tortillas in the air and fire their guns.
Elliot: Really? God I wish I was ethnic.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: Hey champ, what has two thumbs and doesn't give a crap? [points to self with thumbs] Bob Kelso. How ya doin'.
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: If Tyra Banks drove her car over my mom then offered to have sex with me, I'd have to dial 911 in the nude because my pants would already be off.
Carla: That's sweet—while your mother lays there dying!
Turk: [to J.D.] Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.
J.D.: Mmm... and I would love her too!
Carla: New low.
Carla: That's sweet—while your mother lays there dying!
Turk: [to J.D.] Tell her.
J.D.: His mom doesn't die. Tyra uses her connections in the supermodel world to get government scientists to put Turk's mom's brain into Heidi Klum's body. She falls in love with me, we all move in together.
Turk: It'd be awkward at first, but I'd make it work... because I love my mom.
J.D.: Mmm... and I would love her too!
Carla: New low.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: As Residency Director, it is my pleasure to have both surgical and medical personnel here with us today. In fact, in this room, we have enough brainpower to light up a city! Not a real city, mind you, but definitely a tiny ant city whose government has recently passed a series of stringent energy conservation laws.
Doug: [taking notes, whispering to J.D.] Stringent what?
J.D.: [whispering to Doug] Stringent updoc. [to Turk] It's happening.
[Doug raises his hand]
Dr. Cox: Yes, nervous guy?
Doug: What's "up Doc"?
Doug: [taking notes, whispering to J.D.] Stringent what?
J.D.: [whispering to Doug] Stringent updoc. [to Turk] It's happening.
[Doug raises his hand]
Dr. Cox: Yes, nervous guy?
Doug: What's "up Doc"?
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: [to J.D., who is flaunting his new hair wax] Your hair smells like Elliot's.
J.D.: Well, your breath smells like chimichangas! [storms off]
Carla: [to Elliot] Was that racist?
Elliot: Well, it depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?
Carla: ...Maybe.
J.D.: Well, your breath smells like chimichangas! [storms off]
Carla: [to Elliot] Was that racist?
Elliot: Well, it depends. Did you have chimichangas for breakfast?
Carla: ...Maybe.
TV Show: Scrubs
Janitor: Okay, look, attention roof-poopers! Setting aside, for a moment, the fact that I'm going to make sure that you all live to regret this day, let's keep the magic rolling. Let's not tell anyone else that there's a toilet on the roof— [the Todd walks in] There is not a toilet on the roof!
The Todd: But you just said there was!
Janitor: No—yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... ah, that means God is watching us. You've heard this... There's a "Toilet" on the "Roof". Right, people?
[Group agreement]
The Todd: But you just said there was!
Janitor: No—yes, I did, but I was using a metaphor... ah, that means God is watching us. You've heard this... There's a "Toilet" on the "Roof". Right, people?
[Group agreement]
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kevin Casey: Damn roof toilet's got my number.
Elliot: Can't lick it, huh?
Dr. Kevin Casey: Lord, no! I can't even sit on it!
Elliot: Can't lick it, huh?
Dr. Kevin Casey: Lord, no! I can't even sit on it!
TV Show: Scrubs
Ted: Sir, I think I know how my problem concerns a loved one.
Kelso: Go on.
Ted: It concerns me...?
Kelso: Swing and a miss.
Kelso: Go on.
Ted: It concerns me...?
Kelso: Swing and a miss.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Shower Shorts?
J.D: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
J.D: For the man who has nothing to hide, but still wants to.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Listen, Abby, I didn't write to you for advice, so if you continue down this road you are going to be eating, breathing and relieving yourself through a tube of some kind! Signed, Dealing With It On His Own, from Kansas.
J.D.: I once wrote to Abby because I didn't have any hair like the rest of the boys. By the time an answer came back it was like a forest down there! But, you know, nothing ventured.
Dr. Cox: I'm looking for streamers and a marching band because this will be the ceremonial one millionth time I've had to shake off something you've said.
J.D.: I once wrote to Abby because I didn't have any hair like the rest of the boys. By the time an answer came back it was like a forest down there! But, you know, nothing ventured.
Dr. Cox: I'm looking for streamers and a marching band because this will be the ceremonial one millionth time I've had to shake off something you've said.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Listen to me, never stick any part of your hairless body in my life again. Trust me, there is nothing for you to gain from it, because even if you went on a cruise to the furthest parts of the ocean and rescued my salt-soaked body in time to pump the sea water out of my lungs and bring me back from the brink of death, I would still be disappointed that the first face I saw was yours.
J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!
J.D.: Well, you wouldn't see my face because it would be buried in your chest giving you the hug you've been afraid to ask for your whole life!
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: I can't find that girl's little pink doggie anywhere.
Todd: I got a pink doggie for you, but it's not little!
Elliot: If you show me your penis, I'm going to take it away from you.
Todd: I got a pink doggie for you, but it's not little!
Elliot: If you show me your penis, I'm going to take it away from you.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: Do you think I got to be chief of medicine by being late?
Dr. Cox: No. You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. Kelso: Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.
Dr. Cox: No. You got there by back-stabbing and ass-kissing.
Dr. Kelso: Maybe so, but I started those things promptly at eight.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: Laverne, did you pull up Mr. Thompson's old charts?
Nurse Roberts: He was here like 8 years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went M.I.A.
Elliot: So he just took the drugs and bolted?
Nurse Roberts: No... he took some towels too.
Nurse Roberts: He was here like 8 years ago complaining of the same abdominal pain, but as soon as he was given his pain medication, he went M.I.A.
Elliot: So he just took the drugs and bolted?
Nurse Roberts: No... he took some towels too.
TV Show: Scrubs
Elliot: Mr. Thompson, I was just taking a look at your old charts...
Dr. Kelso: Yes. He was just telling me that the last time he was here, the doctor couldn't diagnose him and just threw a bunch of painkillers at him instead.
Elliot: He did?
Mr. Thompson: I was so frustrated that I took off. But I have to say, with Dr. Reid here I know we'll finally get to the bottom of this. She is one terrific doctor.
Dr. Kelso: So this pain you're having is making you delusional?
Dr. Kelso: Yes. He was just telling me that the last time he was here, the doctor couldn't diagnose him and just threw a bunch of painkillers at him instead.
Elliot: He did?
Mr. Thompson: I was so frustrated that I took off. But I have to say, with Dr. Reid here I know we'll finally get to the bottom of this. She is one terrific doctor.
Dr. Kelso: So this pain you're having is making you delusional?
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Laverne, what would you give me if I got this jellybean in your cleavage?
Laverne: A concussion.
Laverne: A concussion.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: Christopher!
Turk: Christopher? You only call me that when you're mad at me... or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
Carla: ...Sometimes.
Turk: Christopher? You only call me that when you're mad at me... or when we're having sex. Baby, are you mad when we're having sex?
Carla: ...Sometimes.
TV Show: Scrubs
Danni: Do you even enjoy spending time with me?
J.D.: "Enjoy" is such a strong word. I... I'm used to it! Y'know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.
J.D.: "Enjoy" is such a strong word. I... I'm used to it! Y'know, like cafeteria food, or the constant threat of terrorism.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: [narration] There comes a time when every man needs to make a choice, whether it's a professional choice or whether it's a personal choice. In the end, it's about integrity, and it's about chasing after what you really want, even if that means showing you both care a little. And sometimes... well, sometimes you just have to do what's right for your friend, even if it means sacrificing your own happiness. When it comes down to it, you just have to be proud of the decision you make.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Bob, I cannot believe you're going to turn this hospital into a money-making machine that coerces people into spending their hard-earned cash on expensive procedures they don't even need.
Dr. Kelso: Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.
Dr. Kelso: Why not? It sounds like something I'd do.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: I just don't get what's so great about kids. I mean, "yay! you went poopie in the potty!" There's a monkey at the zoo that can do that... you know, when he's not playing with himself.
J.D.: So, don't have kids.
Carla: But I want to be a mom more than anything else in the world! I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl: it's how we roll.
J.D.: So, don't have kids.
Carla: But I want to be a mom more than anything else in the world! I know it's crazy, but I'm a girl: it's how we roll.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: Why aren't you freaking out? Look at him— your kid's, like, all green and slimy.
Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because when Jordon was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.
Dr. Cox: I suppose it's because when Jordon was pregnant, I mentally prepared myself for her giving birth to something green and slimy.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Turk and Carla are at a cake store, in search of one for their wedding.]
Turk: What's up with the white people on top?
Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: What? [To baker] While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
Baker: Forget it.
[The baker walks off to the back of his shop.]
Turk: Where're you going?! To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!
Turk: What's up with the white people on top?
Carla: Turk, they don't have tiny plastic interracial couples.
Baker: I'll just color it in with some chocolate frosting.
Turk: Oh, that's a great idea. Put 'em in blackface.
Carla: Turk!
Turk: What? [To baker] While you're at it, why don't you put a string in the back of him, so when you pull it he sings "Mammy"!
Baker: Forget it.
[The baker walks off to the back of his shop.]
Turk: Where're you going?! To the back of the bakery where you keep all the other colored cakes? I'ma call Jesse! And we gonna march on your ass!
TV Show: Scrubs
[Jack starts crying during a fight between Dr. Cox and Jordan]
Jordan: Great, we made him cry. If we keep this up, we are gonna scar him for life!
Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!
Jordan: Great, we made him cry. If we keep this up, we are gonna scar him for life!
Dr. Cox: I don't necessarily buy into all that New Age-y crap. I once saw my mom knock my dad unconscious with a frying pan. You know what I did? Kept right on going with my birthday party!
TV Show: Scrubs
Turk: Carla, when I look in your eyes I see the future. I see kids. I see minivans. You name it, I see it. The weird thing is, as long as I see your smile, none of that stuff scares me.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Carla's wedding has gone disasterously wrong]
Carla: Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairytale idea about the perfect wedding. And, oh yeah, I always ended up married.
Dr. Cox: Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.
Jordan: Per, is making out with a stranger cheating?
Dr. Cox: Technically, not if it's under 10 seconds, dear.
Jordan: Eh, not worth it!
Carla: Ever since I was a little girl, I had this fairytale idea about the perfect wedding. And, oh yeah, I always ended up married.
Dr. Cox: Marriage is overrated. Jordan and I aren't married, and we're getting along great.
Jordan: Per, is making out with a stranger cheating?
Dr. Cox: Technically, not if it's under 10 seconds, dear.
Jordan: Eh, not worth it!
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Kelso: [Drunk] Dr. Turkleton!
Turk: Actually sir, it's just Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Dr. Kelso: [Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get another Scotch?
Turk: Actually sir, it's just Turk.
Dr. Kelso: That's your first name.
Turk: You think my name is Turk Turkleton?
Dr. Kelso: [Carla walks up] And Mrs. Turkleton! The Turkletons! [chuckles; leaves to find bartender] Can I get another Scotch?
TV Show: Scrubs
It's J.D.'s last week of residency]
J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] C'mon, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station! You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff on a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV. Wireless hotspots. The Bush daughters. The O.C. The U.N. Getting Punk'd. Danny Gans. The Latin Grammys. The real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees' payroll. All the red states. All the blue states. Every hybrid car. Every talk show host. Everything on the planet. Everything in the solar system. Everything-everything-everything-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh... and Hugh Jackman! [leaves]
J.D.: Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!
J.D.: [to Dr. Cox] C'mon, man, it's our last week together! The J.D. and Cox train is pulling into the station! You must have a metaphor you want to use. Hit me with it.
Dr. Cox: I suppose I could riff on a list of things I care as little about as our last week together. Let me see. Low-carb diets. Michael Moore. The Republican National Convention. Kabbalah and all Kabbalah-related products. Hi-def TV. Wireless hotspots. The Bush daughters. The O.C. The U.N. Getting Punk'd. Danny Gans. The Latin Grammys. The real Grammys. Jeff, that Wiggle who sleeps too darn much. The Yankees' payroll. All the red states. All the blue states. Every hybrid car. Every talk show host. Everything on the planet. Everything in the solar system. Everything-everything-everything-everything that exists, past, present and future, in all discovered and undiscovered dimensions. Oh... and Hugh Jackman! [leaves]
J.D.: Hugh Jackman is Wolverine! How dare he!
TV Show: Scrubs