Scrubs Quotes
Elliot: J.D., I don't want to do this! Can't we just go home and put our PJ's on and watch Grey's Anatomy?
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!
J.D.: Oh, I do love that show. It's like they've been watching our lives, and then just put it on TV!
TV Show: Scrubs
[J.D. is angry that Elliot has told Keith personal things about him]
J.D.[to Elliot] You know, I am ashamed of you! Do you know how unbelievably petty it is to get that personal?
[The elevator opens, revealing the entire staff]
J.D.: Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!
Elliot: [screeching]I'd been stung by a jellyfish!
J.D.[to Elliot] You know, I am ashamed of you! Do you know how unbelievably petty it is to get that personal?
[The elevator opens, revealing the entire staff]
J.D.: Once when we were dating, Elliot asked me to urinate on her!
Elliot: [screeching]I'd been stung by a jellyfish!
TV Show: Scrubs
Cabbage: Dr. Dorian? Should the IV be leaking like this?
J.D.: Yes and no... Mostly no... In fact, pretty much all no. First you take a little nipper for yourself... [sips from leaking IV, dribbles some on Cabbage] Ah! Got some on you! That's some of the fun that you can have. No, but really, just watch and learn, Cabbage, watch and learn.
Cabbage: It's an honor to watch you work, sir.
J.D.: [absently] Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in...
J.D.: Yes and no... Mostly no... In fact, pretty much all no. First you take a little nipper for yourself... [sips from leaking IV, dribbles some on Cabbage] Ah! Got some on you! That's some of the fun that you can have. No, but really, just watch and learn, Cabbage, watch and learn.
Cabbage: It's an honor to watch you work, sir.
J.D.: [absently] Take it all in, Cabbage, take it all in...
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Listen to me, Hedrick, I find your particular brand of psycho-babblery about as effective as fairy dust. If it were up to me, we never would have called you.
J.D.: [voiceover] "We"? Oh my God, it's finally happened - he's made us a team! [out loud] That's right, Hedrick, we don't need your help! We can handle things around here just fine! In fact, we are thinking about going into private practice together!
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: [voiceover] No, it's the wrong time to bring up Jacksonville.
J.D.: [voiceover] "We"? Oh my God, it's finally happened - he's made us a team! [out loud] That's right, Hedrick, we don't need your help! We can handle things around here just fine! In fact, we are thinking about going into private practice together!
Dr. Cox: What?
J.D.: [voiceover] No, it's the wrong time to bring up Jacksonville.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: And Gandheroo, I need you to talk to a young, pregnant black girl who will not let me call her mom.
Turk: Why would she listen to me?
Dr. Cox: I may have told her that you were Kanye West.
Turk: I'm actually alright with that.
Turk: Why would she listen to me?
Dr. Cox: I may have told her that you were Kanye West.
Turk: I'm actually alright with that.
TV Show: Scrubs
Obnoxious Patient: Oh, breathe through your nose. You remind me of my bulldog.
Dr. Cox: You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome. Go, go, go, go!"
Obnoxious Patient: Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.
Dr. Cox: You know, as a doctor, I rarely root for the disease, but with you I find myself cheering, "Go hypercalcemia with underlying MEN syndrome. Go, go, go, go!"
Obnoxious Patient: Do you drink out of the toilet? My bulldog drinks out of the toilet.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: Mr. Barry, I misplaced your chart, I forgot, what's wrong with you again? [looks at Mr. Barry] Oh, that's right, you have a kitty cat stuck in your mouth. Or should I say you have a person stuck around you, little guy. Goochie goochie.
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: I'm hiding. I really don't want to be bald. I have a sneaking suspicion it won't work for me, I think it might accentuate my spoon-chest.
Dr. Cox: [grunts an affirmative]
J.D.: Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.
Dr. Cox: She's gotta be interested in more than just your hair. [J.D. flashes back to the previous night]
Hair Girl: [smiling] If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you. [flashback ends]
J.D.: I'm sure there's something else she's into. [flashback again]
Hair Girl: No, there's nothing else. [flashback ends]
J.D.: There is, even if she won't admit it.
Dr. Cox: [grunts an affirmative]
J.D.: Plus, the girl I'm dating is totally into my hair.
Dr. Cox: She's gotta be interested in more than just your hair. [J.D. flashes back to the previous night]
Hair Girl: [smiling] If it weren't for your hair, I don't think I'd be remotely interested in you. [flashback ends]
J.D.: I'm sure there's something else she's into. [flashback again]
Hair Girl: No, there's nothing else. [flashback ends]
J.D.: There is, even if she won't admit it.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.
Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.
Carla: Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.
Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.
Turk: I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.
Carla: Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.
Turk: OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.
TV Show: Scrubs
[Jordan and Elliot are in the cafeteria]
Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually, I love Cox.
The Todd: [walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.
Jordan: See, that's the problem.
Woman: [offscreen] This sausage is huge!
The Todd: Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.
Jordan: You know, one of the reasons I divorced Perry was because of his last name.
Elliot: You don't like Cox?
Jordan: Actually, I love Cox.
The Todd: [walks up, knocks on table] Greatest conversation ever.
Jordan: See, that's the problem.
Woman: [offscreen] This sausage is huge!
The Todd: Excuse me ladies, I'm needed elsewhere.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: I'm not sure that suit works on you.
J.D.: Thanks for your opinion, Carla, [turning to the camera] but I'm much more interested in what you all think.
Lonnie: We don't love it!
J.D.: Well who cares, Lonnie, [turning to the camera again and pointing] because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.
Americo: For the last time, it's Americo! And of course I love it, I made it!
J.D.: He's a dynamite tailor; not sure why he's here.
J.D.: Thanks for your opinion, Carla, [turning to the camera] but I'm much more interested in what you all think.
Lonnie: We don't love it!
J.D.: Well who cares, Lonnie, [turning to the camera again and pointing] because all that really matters is whether or not America loves it.
Americo: For the last time, it's Americo! And of course I love it, I made it!
J.D.: He's a dynamite tailor; not sure why he's here.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dan Dorian: Life's actually pretty good: Mom lets me live in the attic, I'm driving Dad's old Plymouth Horizon and as I'm Chief Bartender, they let me take home half the extra chicken wings, thank you very much.
Dr. Cox: Say, Dan. Do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream?
Dr. Cox: Say, Dan. Do you ever have to pinch yourself to make sure it's not all some crazy dream?
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr Cox: You're black? 'Cause last I checked you had a nerdy white best friend, you enjoy Neil Diamond, and you damn sure act like a black guy... and these, my friend, are all characteristics of white guys. Please understand, I'm a huge supporter of the NAACP. If you don't know what that stands for, it's the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People. And quite frankly, I always thought they should change the 'colored people' to 'African Americans' but then of course it wouldn't be the NAACP, it'd be the N quad A or NAAAA. And I know this probably sounds like a digression but actually brings me back to my original point... Do I think you're black? Naaaaaaaaa!
TV Show: Scrubs
Janitor: Knock knock. Who's there? Nurse Mophead. Nurse Mophead who? You have a mophead.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: I'm having a weird pregnancy craving. Hey, J.D., if you go out, would you get me a hot Italian sausage?
The Todd: I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!
[blank stares, head shakes]
The Todd: People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.
J.D.: I think I may vomit.
The Todd: I've got a hot Italian sausage for you, right here!
[blank stares, head shakes]
The Todd: People think I just walk into these situations, but it's really a lot of hard work. You know what else is hard? ...I should go.
J.D.: I think I may vomit.
TV Show: Scrubs
Jill Tracy: I know he wasn't here yesterday. But I thought maybe he got the day wrong and he'd be here today with roses. Is that sad?
J.D.: It's not not sad.
J.D.: It's not not sad.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: Now Dr. Cox needs our help getting through this. Jordan can watch him in the morning and at night, but she's got Jack, plus... she's not that emotionally available.
Jordan: [cheerfully] I'm dead inside!
Jordan: [cheerfully] I'm dead inside!
TV Show: Scrubs
J.D.: You probably wondered why I didn't show up before, huh? I know you wanted me to, even though you'd never admit it. Normally I would kill to get into this apartment, and you'd try and keep me out... I say "try", because at your Super-Bowl party, which I was not invited to, I was lucky enough to be able to watch the second half from right over there. I was the bearded Dominoe's employee you invited in because I said I was a fan of Jerome Bettis, whoever the hell that is. Anyway, I tried to convince myself the reason I didn't come earlier was because of you coming into work drunk; but that's not it. I was scared. I guess after all this time I still think of you as like this superhero that'll help me out of any situation I'm in. I needed that. But that's my problem, you know, and I'll deal with that. I guess I came over here to tell you how proud of you I am. Not because you did the best you could for those patients; but because after twenty years of being a doctor, when things go badly you still take it this hard. And I gotta tell you man, I mean... that's the kind of doctor I want to be. [pours himself a drink]
J.D.: [narration] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared, but I'd like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this:
Dr. Cox: [sees J.D. taking a sip] You don't drink scotch.
J.D.: [spits it back into the glass] That's awful.
J.D.: [narration] Maybe he just needed time to heal, or maybe he just needed to see how much everybody cared, but I'd like to believe it was because of me that he was finally able to say this:
Dr. Cox: [sees J.D. taking a sip] You don't drink scotch.
J.D.: [spits it back into the glass] That's awful.
TV Show: Scrubs
Dr. Cox: Barbie why did you order this test? For the love of God, are you a real doctor or a doctor like Dr. Pepper is a doctor? Hmmm?
TV Show: Scrubs
Janitor: Okay, two coins add up to 30 cents, no nickels. I could swear we've done this before. C'mon man, you went to Harvard for god's sake.
Troy: Relax! I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny, and... a button, that you wrote '29 cents' on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: No. No, Troy, that's what he wants us to do.
Troy: Relax! I figured it out.
Janitor: A penny, and... a button, that you wrote '29 cents' on. Think I don't recognize your handwriting?
Troy: Can't we just kill him?
Janitor: No. No, Troy, that's what he wants us to do.
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: Remember when I first started dating Turk and I wanted to bail on him because he cried at the end of sex?
Turk: [alarmed] Baby!
J.D.: [to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.
Turk: [alarmed] Baby!
J.D.: [to Turk] Relax, Brown Bear, there's no shame in cry-maxing.
TV Show: Scrubs
Kim: Hey, dudes.
J.D.: Don't "hey, dudes" us! You know what really bothers me?
Kim: Non-threatening colloquial greetings?
J.D.: Don't "hey, dudes" us! You know what really bothers me?
Kim: Non-threatening colloquial greetings?
TV Show: Scrubs
Carla: I could give you a whole list of things that suck about being pregnant. For example, I am now horny as I've ever been, and my husband is repulsed by me.
Turk: Baby, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up, close my eyes so tight, and then do you.
Carla: Thank you for the sacrifice.
Turk: It's because I love you.
Turk: Baby, if you really need it that badly, I will suck it up, close my eyes so tight, and then do you.
Carla: Thank you for the sacrifice.
Turk: It's because I love you.
TV Show: Scrubs
Janitor: Okay, people, time to save the planet! But where to begin?
Ted: My first step was going with all-hemp underwear. It's awesome! Except when the hemp oil seeps into your bloodstream — then it's awesomer!
Ted: My first step was going with all-hemp underwear. It's awesome! Except when the hemp oil seeps into your bloodstream — then it's awesomer!
TV Show: Scrubs
[After Carla tells Elliot that she should talk to J.D.]
Elliot: Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how everyone in this fricking hospital is having a baby except for me. I mean, [Points to Carla] having a baby, [Points to Turk] having a baby, [Points to Dr. Cox] having a second baby, [Points to a nurse] having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everybody knows! [Sees Dr. Beardface staring at her]. What're you looking at, Beardface? You want a kid? Because I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
Beardface: It's Beardfacé, DAMMIT!
Elliot: Yeah. Maybe we can talk about how everyone in this fricking hospital is having a baby except for me. I mean, [Points to Carla] having a baby, [Points to Turk] having a baby, [Points to Dr. Cox] having a second baby, [Points to a nurse] having her husband's best friend's baby. That's right, Mona, everybody knows! [Sees Dr. Beardface staring at her]. What're you looking at, Beardface? You want a kid? Because I swear to God, I will mount you right now!
Beardface: It's Beardfacé, DAMMIT!
TV Show: Scrubs
Patient: I was so obsessed with getting my J.D. that I never did the things I really wanted to do. Start a family. See the world.
Janitor: Punch a whale.
Patient: Nah, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.
Janitor: Punch a whale.
Patient: Nah, I punched a whale. Right in the face. Down he went, like Liston.
TV Show: Scrubs