Seinfeld Quotes
Kramer: What's wrong?
Elaine: Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma and now he wants me to run the catalog.
Kramer: Where?
Jerry: Myanmar.
Kramer: What's that? The discount pharmacy?
Elaine: Oh, Peterman ran off to Burma and now he wants me to run the catalog.
Kramer: Where?
Jerry: Myanmar.
Kramer: What's that? The discount pharmacy?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Newman:
Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,
And fondled his muscled heart.
He imbibed her glistening spell,
Just before the other shoe fell.
Her bouquet cleaved his hardened shell,
And fondled his muscled heart.
He imbibed her glistening spell,
Just before the other shoe fell.
TV Show: Seinfeld
[Jerry, George, and Kramer meet their "doubles" for the first time]
Elaine: Jerry, George, Kramer. This is Kevin, Gene, and Feldman.
Jerry: This is really weird..
Elaine: Jerry, George, Kramer. This is Kevin, Gene, and Feldman.
Jerry: This is really weird..
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: Have you ever seen Elaine dance?
Jerry: Elaine danced?!
George: It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.
Jerry: Elaine danced?!
George: It's more like a full-body dry heave set to music.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Frank: My son George isn't smart enough to hatch a scheme like this!
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I'd drop you like a sack of dirt.
Frank: You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!
Elaine: You got that right.
Frank: What the hell does that mean?
Elaine: It means whatever the hell you want it to mean.
Frank: You sayin' you want a piece of me?
Elaine: I'd drop you like a sack of dirt.
Frank: You want a piece of me?! YOU GOT IT!!!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: Yes, yes. I am Dr. Van Nostrand from the clinic. I need Elaine Benes' chart. She's a patient of mine and she's not going to make it. It's, uh, very bad, very messy.
Attendant: I see. And what clinic is that again?
Kramer: That is correct.
Attendant: Excuse me?
Kramer: The Hoffer Mandolf Neo Clinic in Belgium.
Attendant: Really?
Kramer: The Netherlands?
Attendant: I see. And what clinic is that again?
Kramer: That is correct.
Attendant: Excuse me?
Kramer: The Hoffer Mandolf Neo Clinic in Belgium.
Attendant: Really?
Kramer: The Netherlands?
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry : What happened to my stereo? It's all smashed up.
Kramer : That's right . Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund.
Kramer : You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer : It's just a write-off for them.
Jerry : How is it a write-off ?
Kramer : They just write it off.
Jerry : Write it off what?
Kramer : Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry : You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer : Do you?
Jerry : No. I don't.
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
Kramer : That's right . Now it looks like it was broken during shipping and I insured it for $400.
Jerry : But you were supposed to get me a refund.
Kramer : You can't get a refund. Your warranty expired two years ago.
Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?
Kramer : It's just a write-off for them.
Jerry : How is it a write-off ?
Kramer : They just write it off.
Jerry : Write it off what?
Kramer : Jerry, all these big companies, they write off everything.
Jerry : You don't even know what a write-off is.
Kramer : Do you?
Jerry : No. I don't.
Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off.
TV Show: Seinfeld
(Jerry is being investigated by Newman for mail-fraud)
Newman: Let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
Jerry: Define "rarely".
Newman: Frequently.
Newman: Let me ask you this. Don't you find it interesting that your friend had the foresight to purchase postal insurance for your stereo? I mean parcels are rarely damaged during shipping.
Jerry: Define "rarely".
Newman: Frequently.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Bania: Why do they call it Ovaltine? The mug is round. The jar is round. They should call it Roundtine. That's gold, Jerry! Gold!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: You know Frank, you could take a break.
Frank: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.
Frank: No breaks. I feel reborn. I'm like a Phoenix rising from Arizona.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: [pointing toward the guy] See that salesman, twirling that umbrella.
Elaine: Uh huh.
Jerry: I invented that.
Elaine: Uh huh.
Jerry: I invented that.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: Broccoli? Newman, you wouldn't eat broccoli if it was deep-fried in chocolate sauce!
Newman: I love broccoli. It's... good for you.
Jerry: Then maybe you'd like to try a piece?
Newman: Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!
Newman: I love broccoli. It's... good for you.
Jerry: Then maybe you'd like to try a piece?
Newman: Gladly. [chews broccoli, then spits it out] VILE WEED!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Mrs. Wilky: We feel that Mr. Kramer projects a rugged masculinity.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man’s a goblin.
Jackie Chiles: Rugged? The man’s a goblin.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Jerry: You had more bread?
Elaine: That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
Elaine: That's not the point. I mean, think about it, Jerry. There must be something exciting about this guy if he can arouse that kind of passion. I mean, to be stab-worthy, you know? It's kind of a compliment.
Jerry: Yeah, too bad he didn't get shot. He could have been the one.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Alan: So that's it? We're, uh, we're breakin' up?
Elaine: What breakup? We went out on one date.
Alan: : Okay, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say.
Elaine: All right, good. Good.
Alan: Okay, then, well, so... see ya around... big head.
Elaine: Pardon?
Alan: You got a big head. It's too big for your body.
Elaine: That's it? That's the best you got?
Elaine: What breakup? We went out on one date.
Alan: : Okay, yeah, sure, fine, right. Whatever you say.
Elaine: All right, good. Good.
Alan: Okay, then, well, so... see ya around... big head.
Elaine: Pardon?
Alan: You got a big head. It's too big for your body.
Elaine: That's it? That's the best you got?
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: I was handcuffed to the bed, in my underwear, where I remained for […] She certainly seemed interested in me and though she was attractive, she was also in fact, a Nazi […] The water I had been swimming in was very cold and when I dropped the towel there had been significant shrinkage […] Her parents were looking at me. So there I was, with a marble rye hanging from the end of a fishing pole […] In closing, these stories have not been embellished because they need no embellishment. They are simply, horrifyingly the story of my life as a short, stocky, slow-witted, bald man. Thank you. Oh, also: my fiancée died from licking toxic envelopes that I picked out. Thanks again.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Kramer: The whole fight lasted two seconds!
Jerry: How long do they usually la—
Kramer: About five seconds.
Jerry: How long do they usually la—
Kramer: About five seconds.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: You're saying I stand to inherit $300,000, is that what you're saying?
Jerry: Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.
George: 20 years... that long?
Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
George: Unfortunately, yes.
Jerry: How's your family history?
George: I have an aunt that died at age seven.
Jerry: Really?
George: Aunt Baby.
Jerry: Of course, you may not see it for 20 years.
George: 20 years... that long?
Jerry: Does your father still eat bacon and eggs every day?
George: Unfortunately, yes.
Jerry: How's your family history?
George: I have an aunt that died at age seven.
Jerry: Really?
George: Aunt Baby.
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: Listen to the comeback: "Oh yeah? Well the jerk store called. They're running outta you."
[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
George: Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?
George: What does that mean?
Jerry: Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."
George: No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
[Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer stare blankly at him]
George: Wha...You gotta be kidding me?!
Elaine: How 'bout this one? How 'bout, "Your cranium called. It's got some space to rent."?
George: What does that mean?
Jerry: Hey, here you go: "Hey, Reilly. The zoo called. You're due back by six."
George: No. No, no, no. You're not helping me.
Kramer: Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That'll kill him.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Reilly: The ocean called. They're running outta shrimp.
George: Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you!
Reilly: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!
George: ...Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
[Silence]
McAdam: His wife is in a coma..
George: Oh yeah, Reilly? Well, the jerk store called. They're running outta you!
Reilly: What's the difference? You're their all-time best seller!
George: ...Yeah? Well, I had sex with your wife.
[Silence]
McAdam: His wife is in a coma..
TV Show: Seinfeld
George: [on an answering machine, sung to the tune of Greatest American Hero] Believe it or not, George isn't at home. Please leave a message at the beep. I must be out, or I'd pick up the phone, Where could I be? Believe it or not, I'm not home.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Newman (While driving his car that is dragging Elaine's sewing machine on the road over the two lane highway after Kramer accidentally spills flamable paint thinner): You're once, twice, three times a-(Truck goes on fire)AAAAAH!!!! Oh the humanity!
TV Show: Seinfeld
Hal: I threw my back out about 15 years ago. Ever since I have been very careful. I only buy furniture in the ergonomics store.
Elaine: Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back In Business", or "Good Vertibrations".
Hal: Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".
Elaine: Oh those places have the stupidest names. Like, uh, "Back In Business", or "Good Vertibrations".
Hal: Not this one. It's called the "Lumbar Yard".
TV Show: Seinfeld
[kid is looking through telescope across East River into New York with his father beside him]
Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.
Father: Over there, that's Brooklyn . That's where Spike Lee lives.
Son: Hey, there's a man swimming in the water.
Father: Nah, that's probably just a dead body son. You see when the mob kills someone they throw the body in the river.
TV Show: Seinfeld
Elaine: I've yada yada'd sex.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
George: Really?
Elaine: Yeah. I met this lawyer, we went out to dinner, I had the lobster bisque, we went back to my place, yada yada yada, I never heard from him again.
Jerry: But you yada yada'd over the best part.
Elaine: No, I mentioned the bisque.
TV Show: Seinfeld